Unsent email to my former would-be Valentine

So, you've had a week to get out of town, think about things and maybe process a little bit.

I will likely not send you this email but I wanted to write it because there are some things bothering me and I need to get them out of my head.

I realize that you must have been very angry when I talked to you last week because I don't think that you would normally have lashed out at me with some of the things that you said. But, for some reason, I feel the need to defend myself. I shouldn't care at all about this because I'm finally happy.

So here are the three things that I feel I need to straighten out with you.

1. There was nothing going on before. Nothing. MSN conversations, forwarded emails, drunk dialled calls on Skype from him to me when I was up late studying. That was it. Think what you will but that's the truth.

2. You said that it doesn't say a lot for what we had before. What did we have before? Phone calls. Emails. One visit. Some good laughs. Bad timing. Not once were you open and forthcoming about how you felt about me. Except to say that you were too scared to come visit me because you didn't want us to end up in a relationship. Just because I'm at grad school, that doesn't mean that time stands still. We agreed not to consider the other person in our major life decisions. Neither of us was going to wait for the other. You said yourself that you're thinking about buying property. You wanted to sit on the fence because you couldn't commit. I was never sitting on the fence next to you.

After your birthday and then Valentine's Day, you knew how I felt about you. You could have done what you needed to do to get what you wanted. The fact that you didn't tells me that you didn't want it bad enough. I know that because X did the exact same thing 4 years ago. I can recognize it now.

3. And actually, if I'm being really honest, whatever might have been in the past year was lost for good the week before I left. I haven't been through a week that bad for a very long time. I can't remember the last time. Being sick, scared of the thyroid thing, my family thing, with two tough midterms was all a bit too much for me.

I thought that I could make you understand by being honest with you. I've only ever told one person before that I have seriously considered ending my life. But apparently, even that wasn't enough for you to realize that it was never about you. You said that you didn't know who you were getting. You were getting me.

I've said it before and I'll say it to you again. Every single guy who has wanted in changed his mind. Without fail. You are just one more of those guys. And that is really disappointing because I thought that I had finally found a man who was strong enough. I was wrong. Again. And I found out the hard way - when I needed you most to overlook all of my failings and weaknesses. To get past all of your own neuroses and ask yourself what was really going on. To look beyond your own universe and find out what was going on in mine.

Oh yeah, there was one other thing. You said that seeing my personal messages online really hurt you. I didn't do that on purpose. As far as I know, you are never online. If you're lurking and hiding, I can't be responsible for what you may or may not see. If I had thought there was any possibility you would see that stuff, I would have been more sensitive. I didn't post all of the photos until after I had told you because I wanted you to hear it from me and not see it online and make your own inferences. I'm sorry that you were hurt by that. But if you're not going to let people know that you're around, you can't expect them to consider your feelings.

Undoubtedly, you will think whatever you want about me. I went down there alone to look for some time and space to relax and unwind and leave all of the depression and sadness behind. What I found was unexpected and unbelievable and wonderful and surreal and comfortable and happy. So I'm going to hold onto it with everything I have and do whatever it takes to make it work.

I'm happy now. Finally. I think I deserve that.