Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Unspoken Valentine


Happy Valentine’s Day! There’s no agenda. I don’t expect that you’ll respond or even acknowledge. That’s completely fine. In fact, you don’t even have to keep reading. I just wanted you to know that I miss you.

It’s been a couple of months since the soup incident which ended our “relationship”. But I’m still not over you. There were so many great things that I can’t help remembering and missing. It turns out that you were the best spoon ever. I miss the way you used to roll me over and hold me close. I also miss your cooking. Watching you cut vegetables and sauté. The smell of bacon cooking in the morning. You asking me what I wanted to drink just so you’d have an empty can for the bacon fat. To be honest, I’ve stopped enjoying food now. Actually, everything seems much less interesting. You were like the lights on the Christmas tree: the ornaments are nice but without the lights, there’s no sparkle. Maybe that’s a stupid analogy but there are so many things that remind me of you. Bikes, dim sum, Riedel glasses, wooden hangars, black and white photos, telescopes, sheets, cigarettes, Coke products, gas stations… I think I miss your hands the most.

For the last few years, I have been trying to learn how to be happy on my own. It’s tough sometimes but I think that’s the bigger plan for my life. I think I’m supposed to be alone. I don’t know if I believe in God but I think the universe is trying to tell me something. This feeling that I’m meant to be alone is growing.

Before I met you, I didn’t believe in love. I didn’t believe in “The One”. I thought that I would probably meet someone who shared most of my priorities and we’d decide to make things work. Love and passion and romance would be irrelevant. And I would be responsible for my own happiness. Then I met you. I never told you this but I was happy just being with you. Regardless of our conversations or lack thereof. Despite the fact we worked more than we played. Your company was enough for me. So when you say I wanted more, I really didn’t. The simple things we did together were more than enough. It was never about being your girlfriend or thinking about our futures. It was just about you and me and right now.

I never talked about any of this because I thought that was part of the “no commitments” agreement. One of my best friends told me that I made a mistake. He told me that I should have let you in. But I was scared to talk to you because I thought I would lose you. I lost you anyway so I’ll never know if that was the right decision but it is something that I regret. I’m good at keeping people at a distance so I really shouldn’t be surprised.

If you knew me, you wouldn’t be surprised either at how things turned out. It’s not surprising that I would spend my entire 20s not believing in love. And then I turn 30, give up on love and marriage and intimacy, and then meet you. My friends would say to me “trust you to fall in love with someone who can’t love you back”. And they would be right.

So, Grey, if you ever change your mind, if you ever decide you’re prepared to take a chance on someone, just know that I’m waiting. I mean, now that I know love exists, how could I settle for anything less?

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