Imploding

I can't remember the last time I fell asleep without crying. I stay up til 2 or 3 am just waiting for complete exhaustion to set in and then collapse into bed. But it doesn't always work. Last night, there were only a few tears. All the nights have blurred into each other. I'm no longer painfully conscious of just how long it has been. It's just one long miserable fog.

I can't function. I can't get any work done. I can't get my head into it. I can't plan or prioritize. I'm a walking mess.

I don't even want to eat anymore. If I could get away with not eating, I would stop completely. But usually I just wait until my stomach is eating itself and then cram myself full of junk. This afternoon it was three glasses of lactose-free chocolate milk and jalapeno cheddar Doritos. Followed by marshmallows and cheddar cheese Bugles. A can of ginger ale. There was some dinner in there. Wonton soup and noodles. Then a couple of chocolate-dipped cookies and half a glass of Noel Nog. I dumped the other half all over the floor.

I'm up to date on House now. That filled the hole for a couple of weeks so I'm not sure what I'll do now. Just watch regular TV, I guess. I have lots of old movies I could watch. But I have no interest in life anymore. I just get up and do the minimum. Less than the minimum, if I'm being honest. I went to class today without having done the readings. Hell, I hadn't even printed them all out.

I'm going to bed now. I accept that I'll end up crying and puffy eyed and exhausted in the morning. At least I haven't had a cigarette in 8 days.