Is it over yet?

Today was simultaneously a good day and a bad day.

Dim sum was good. Normal. Comfortable. Same as before. I was happy just being with him. I had hoped for more and he apparently isn't capable of more but I'm still getting mixed messages. Overall the message is that he's not in love with me. I think the mixed part is that he wishes he could be. Or maybe it's that he is in love with me but is too scared to admit it. I have no idea. He did admit he should have brought me soup. That he should have been there for me.

Then I lied and told him that I donated his sheets to Goodwill. That got ugly. I feel horrible about myself for doing that. There was much crying. I think we resolved things though. I apologized for lying to him and gave him his sheets. He accepted my apology. And now we are even in soup and sheets.

I miss him intensely. I really do think that he's "The One". I am almost positive that I'm in love with him. I want him in my life but I'm not sure I can handle being his friend. And this is where my judgement is flawed. I know that my issue is that I push people away and that I shouldn't do that anymore. But perhaps a clean break would be best? I don't know now. I just don't know. So even if I wanted to make a good decision, I wouldn't know how.

I should just rename this blog to "An Obsession with Grey" or something. I don't want to be alive.