Sunday, May 24, 2009

Programmed to be single

There's something wrong with me. I think I have been single for so long that I have forgotten how to be not alone. Also, I think I have been through so many crap relationships that I have no idea how to be happy when I have found one that is more than halfway decent.

This guy is a good guy. He's not classy or well-dressed or super successful or even terribly good looking. But he is good to me. He genuinely cares (I think) and I do believe that he wants to make me happy. And, for the most part, I am happy when I'm with him. He can be a bit awkward sometimes. Goofy when he should be serious. Scattered and distracted instead of attentive. He talks about moving in together and rings and marriage and it's waaay too early. He has even referred to me as his girlfriend in a joking way to salespeople which is so totally unnecessary. And he's a bit aggressive with the physical contact. That sounds much worse than it actually is. He just has a tendency to always want to be touching me or kissing me or ripping my clothes off. Which is tolerable in private but I'm a total prude out in public. Anyway, I have digressed far beyond my original point. So far, these are the greatest of his sins. Perhaps I should have listed the things I like about him. He completes my unspoken thoughts. He makes me laugh. He hugs when I need it but don't know how to ask. He tells me that he likes me. That I'm beautiful and blah blah. Often. I should be happy.

But, when he's not around and I have missed his phone calls and I'm tired, I start to feel like I don't want this anymore. I start feeling unhappy and dissatisfied and imagine all the different ways I could bolt. If this situation was of the usual dating variety, I would just not call or make contact for a while until the feeling passed. But I have to see him at work tomorrow morning. So now I'm thinking of ways to avoid him. Places to avoid include the water fountain and the coffee room and the printer room. Not taking lunch or running errands to get away. Coming in late and/or leaving early.

God, what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just be content?


Awkward, for you said...

It's not that you want to be single or that you've been single too long, it's that you just don't really want to dive into a relationship that he's hinting at. Who talks marriage on the first few weeks of a relationship? That's nuts. I am the same with public displays of affection. You should talk to him and be honest. Avoiding him is no good. It makes you feel like crap and then if he asks you about it it will be beyond awkward...and I know awkward. ;)

Asshat said...

I think you're being rushed and overwhelmed.

Anonymous said...

Are you afraid that it's going to fast? Or afraid that it might disappear, and it would be easier to put they kibosh on it before that happens?