Thursday, February 12, 2009


I got up late this morning and didn't write to C le V so I decided to write this evening. Initially after I arrived home, I was feeling really dizzy so I lay down on the couch and ended up passing out for a couple of hours. Whenever that happens to me, I wake up groggy and lethargic.

I learned something else about myself too. I had trouble writing to him. The stuff I was thinking about wasn't something I felt ready to share on paper. Because, frankly, it's a bit humiliating and I don't want him to see my insecurity. I read through the last 4 days and realized that I sounded happier in the mornings compared to the way that I sounded this evening. The thing is, I wasn't unhappy when I was writing to him this evening. But I couldn't get the words to flow. I stopped and started several times. I think I was just tired and worn out. And I think I'm like that most evenings which is why I blog in the evening. I need the outlet. And maybe part of the reason that I am feeling insecure about him is because he's not here to talk to me in the evenings and reassure me that everything is okay.

And that's the part that sucks. I shouldn't need that reassurance. I should be confident all the time, not some needy, whining, clingy woman who needs to be emotionally propped up all the time. But why do I get this way? Is it because I'm tired? Or is there some weird psychological effect the darkness has on me? Do I get this way on long, sunny, summer evenings too? It was raining and foggy all day today and that made me happy (yes, I'm weird, I realize that).

Maybe the reason I'm still single at such an advanced age is because I'm cranky in the evening hours when I'm supposed to be relaxed and sociable. I feel as though I'm cranky all the time. I know I'm not a morning person. But now I'm not a night person anymore either. I feel like I suck all the time. Do I deserve to be alone because I'm not warm and comforting and peppy and shiny enough?

I said I wasn't unhappy before but I definitely am now. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.


Anonymous said...

Sorry to be replying so late to this, but I think we all need that confidence booster from those around us. I know part of the thing that's getting me down about the current situation is that it that it focuses on the fact that I have to deal with this problem alone.

And I know how you feel about evenings as well. It's a bad feedback loop: you feel like you're not warm and comforting so you think it makes you alone, so you feel not warm and comforting and... you get the idea.

Someday you and me really gotta get a beer.

Elusive Butterfly said...

Canadian beer is better. Come visit.