Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Headache part duh

I spent a solid 12 hours working on my thesis data today. I took a quick break to have lunch with a friend I haven't seen since October but it was otherwise all work all day. I really hope I made a dent in in because I'm starting to hate Excel. Did you know that you can reset your menus if you lose a button somehow? I learned that today. I also learned that, if you drag and drop the Goal Seek... button, it disappears and there's no way to find it again. Momentary panic.

I didn't finish everything that my supervisor asked me to do, mostly because stats software is crap. Can somebody do a 1-way ANOVA analysis for me please? My head is pounding.

I'm struggling a bit with withdrawal from C le V's daily, witty email. I miss him a lot. He was on facebook this evening and I think that actually made it worse. He's only been gone 4 days and I'm already starting to second guess myself. That maybe he isn't as invested as I am. Maybe he's playing games. Maybe he'll come back and decide he doesn't want this anymore. I was staring out the window a few minutes ago reminding myself that I'll be alone forever and it'll be worse when I'm 60 because Grey will be dead and there won't be any more cuddling.

I've been dreaming about him. In my dreams, he phones me and chats to me like nothing has happened. Like he didn't ask me to never speak to him again. Sometimes he gets mad that I took that seriously. Because he didn't mean it and I misinterpreted that statement the same way I misinterpret everything he says to me. But really, how many interpretations are there?

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the thought that he may never call me again. On Friday night, it crept up out of nowhere and I burst into tears. Fortunately I was alone on the couch and nobody knows. A secret shared between me and my oversized Christmas penguin. But mostly I'm relieved. Not now as I write this, but in the mornings when I wake up and in the evenings when I come home from work and all the times in between when I can focus on work or school. Relieved that I won't have to ride that rollercoaster anymore. I won't be his alleyoop yo-yo, his verbal punching bag, his cigarette-stained, nicotine-filled, slightly worn and charred around the edges stress spittoon.

But right now, at this very moment, I sit here in the dark and I wish that there was just one more tight spoon. One more gentle kiss with one hand on my neck and the fingers of his other hand entwined with mine. One more knowing look into the centre of my soul that makes me wonder if we have known each other for all eternity.

That's enough now.


Anonymous said...

Random thoughts on this post:

You're smitten over C le V. This isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Despite what you feel right now, I think you're still better off without Grey involved.

As for the rest of it, I know how you feel. Life has taken a very dark turn for me in the past few days, and not having any one around makes it that much tougher. The funny thing, for me, is that I never have had any one around, so you'd think it would be easier...

Amy said...

I feel your pain.... I really really do.... ((((hugs)))

Elusive Butterfly said...

GH, re Grey, I know and I agree. I just wish my brain and my heart were better connected.