Saturday, February 21, 2009

Screwed up

I was using brownies as an incentive to thesis but now the brownies are gone and nothing has been written. They were yummy though. I have resorted to copying and pasting the text from my conference poster into a Word document. I mean, I already wrote the stuff once before right? Right.

Is it beyond f*cked up that I miss Grey more than I care to admit but am still excited to see C le V next weekend? I do miss C le V too and I just want the next 5 sleeps to be over already!

But I miss Grey as well. A lot. I still think about him a lot. I know it's only been 3 weeks since he asked me to never speak to him again and I know it's not soon enough to know for certain that he is out of my life forever. I flip flop between missing him and being angry at him and being relieved that it's over. Mostly I'm relieved. But sometimes I'm angry. Angry that he played so many games with my brain. Angry that he actually considered my moving in with him in April. Angry that he couldn't express any feelings to me except resentment and anger and harshness. That the one time he was happy to see me he was still guarded about it and the whole thing felt surreal. And of course I miss him. It's ridiculous to me expect not to miss him. Hopefully that will fade with separation and distance and time. But, for now, I continue to miss him.

I miss him enough that, if I think too hard about it, or listen to the wrong song, I realize that there's a wormhole that goes from the centre of my soul to the furthest ends of the Universe. That, if I get too close to the edge, I'll fall in and will never be able to escape.

Back to Britney. Hard to believe that she's saving my sanity.

Superstar
Where you from, how's it going?
I know you
Gotta clue, what youre doing?
You can play brand new to all the other chicks out here
But I know what you are, what you are, baby

Look at you
Gettin' more than just re-up
Baby, you
Got all the puppets with their strings up
Fakin' like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em
I know what you are, what you are, baby

Womanizer
Woman-Womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh Womanizer
Oh You're a Womanizer Baby
You, You You Are
You, You You Are
Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Got Me Goin'
You're Oh-So Charmin'
But I can't do it
U Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Say I'm Crazy
I got Your Crazy
You're nothing but
A Womanizer

Daddy-O
You got the swagger of champion
Too bad for you
Just can't find the right companion
I guess when you have one too many, makes it hard
It could be easy
Who you are, that's who you are, baby

Lollipop
Must mistake me you're a sucker
To think that I
Would be a victim not another
Say it, play it how you wanna
But no way I'm ever gonna fall for you, never you, baby

Womanizer
Woman-Womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh Womanizer
Oh You're a Womanizer Baby
You, You You Are
You, You You Are
Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Got Me Goin'
You're Oh-So Charmin'
But I can't do it
U Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Say I'm Crazy
I got Your Crazy
You're nothing but
A Womanizer

Maybe if we both lived in different worlds
(Womanizer Womanizer Womanizer Womanizer)
It would be all good, and maybe I could be ya girl
But I can't 'cause we don't
You...

4 comments:

Asshat said...

I wouldn't let my sanity hang on Britney, of all the crazy people in the world, if I were you.

I suppose it is ridiculous to expect you not to miss Grey, but come on. The guy was a major ass. When you find yourself missing him, reflect for a few minutes on the soup issue or the attempted mauling at the car wash or any other of many abusive incidents. You'll do much better and you can't do any worse. Move on.

Elusive Butterfly said...

I find it immensely comforting that you were writing this just as I was letting it get to me. I just realized that I was one of the best things to happen to him in a long time. That, despite our relationship being unhealthy, I was probably one of the healthiest influences in his life. And he's an idiot for pushing me out of his life. But, if he's that guy - and clearly he is - I don't want to settle for that. I want better.

Awkward, for you said...

Asshat is right you know...you can do so much better. The only direction to go once you hit rock bottom is up...unless you are drilling. However, you wouldn't really want to drill for guys.

When you posted about the car wash incident i literally gasped with disgust. I couldn't believe someone who wanted to be such a casual passing item in your life could be so rude and ungrateful. Not only for everything that you shared with him, but for the emotional sacrifices you gave to him. Know that you have more respect for yourself and start to understand that you deserve a hell of a lot better then Grey.

...i am craving brownies now...stupid diet.. maybe i'll have a rice cake

geekhiker said...

Of course you're going to miss Gray at times. People who share those sorts of connections will always reminisce about the good times, the feelings between the two.

Well, at least that's what I hear. This is coming from a guy who can't seem to get a second date to save his life!