Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I can't function

Isn't that one of the signs of depression? For several years now, I have suspected that I might be prone to depression but I'm too scared to ask my doctor about it because of what she might say. There's a history of mental illness on my mother's side of the family but I don't know what exactly because nobody will talk about it. I mean, maybe we're all just OCD and anal-retentive. Because that, I can (and do) own. Also, I've gotten so good at faking happy when I'm out in public that I'm scared to drop the mask, even for one second.

But I can't function. The apartment is a disaster. I can barely hold my life together. My thesis has ground to a halt and I funnel all of my energy into staying on the ball at work. I go to work exhausted. Then I come home and I'm more exhausted. I barely have the energy to get to the classes I like at the gym. And it seems I'm on the verge of crying all the time. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks, out of nowhere and I'm totally unprepared. It's a good thing I hid at home for most of the weekend.

I'm so exhausted from faking it. Can't I just stay at home in bed for the next two weeks?

5 comments:

geekhiker said...

Depression runs on one side of my family, so I can honestly say that your being aware of it is a good, and very important, thing. And, really, this whole thing where we're supposed to be happy all the time was just engineered by marketers to get us to buy shit we don't need anyway. :)

Hopefully it's just a temporary thing. As for me, I'd rather spend two weeks in Hawaii! (Heck, even a week would do. ;) )

Elusive Butterfly said...

I swear to God, GH, if you go to Hawaii and I don't go too, Imma kick your ass!

geekhiker said...

You know, I've never actually been to Hawaii. Thing is, going alone just doesn't sound like very much fun...

Amy said...

Sounds like someone needs to share a pint of Ben n Jerry's chocolate monkey ice cream with me... I feel ya girl... I feel ya..

Elusive Butterfly said...

Good, it's settled! You're taking me to Hawaii :D