Saturday, September 15, 2007

Reach out and touch someone

The nights are hardest for me. I feel so alone and lonely and paralyzed that I don't know what to do with myself. I wish I could study but I can't. I feel too guilty about not studying to watch a movie or read a book. So I force myself to sit at my desk and stare at the monitor while the minutes just tick away into nothing.

Sometimes, like now, I remember to blog. I remember that sometimes just getting the words out of my head and onto the page makes me feel better. Writing is therapy. But I would rather be getting ready for bed with someone else right now. Sharing the bathroom, turning out the lights, getting under the covers and cuddling with someone warmer than me. It's not about sex or needing a man. It's just about having someone around to take the edge off and remind me that I am human. I have found that one of the hardest things about living alone is the lack of physical contact with other living creatures. Maybe if I had a cat or a dog, I wouldn't feel it quite as intensely.

Sometimes when I get an unexpected hug or just a quick touch on the arm, it feels like a jolt of electricity. After days of not touching another person, my nerves are so on edge that it's as though they're trying to crawl off my body. My finger tips tingle with this strange sensory deprivation. The slightest touch takes on a magnitude that is almost indescribable. Perhaps that's why I am drawn to my friends' pets. They don't require any sort of complex body language or physical space interpretation that humans do. I can just scratch their ears and follow them around looking for a cuddle without humiliating myself.

I really need a hug right now.

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