Who am I?

Today I got a phone call that made me laugh. From a man that makes me laugh. Last night, I told him that B and I are taking a break for a couple of weeks. I realized over the weekend that I wasn't happy with our relationship. (Yes, I know, I'm slow). Our conversations have deteriorated to the point that neither of us has any desire to make the other person laugh and if we're not actually being nasty to each other, we're just sitting there in silence. I told him that B usually calls me at 11 after he's been working for 12 hours and he's exhausted. This mysterious guy understood. He works those hours too. He seems somehow to get me even though I've only spent a few hours with him, mostly in the company of other people. Maybe because he's a bit older. This evening, he called and got my voice mail. So he left a message saying that he was calling me before he got too tired and lost his sense of humour. He was rambling a bit and acknowledged as much but he was also laughing at himself. I don't think I've ever heard B laugh at himself.

This mysterious guy has made me laugh and made me think and made me smile. I don't know what he wants from me and, at this point, I don't much care. The reason for the break is that I need time to mentally get away from the stress and anxiety associated with our relationship. I need the time to focus on school and get some work done (which is why I'm blogging, clearly). I'm tired of waiting around for him to show up online and then calling me only to have a crap conversation. Or not showing up online. Not being able to reach him on his phone. Or just having him outright bail on our conversations. Which is what he did this past weekend. Fine, it was his mother's birthday so he was spending the day with her. It doesn't make me feel better. This mysterious man has made me feel better.

Do I expect too much when I want a good conversation? A normal conversation where we both talk about our day. Share our thoughts. Share some laughs. When I'm down, he pushes and prods to find out why I'm being so quiet. In short, the things I try to do for B. Is that so much to ask? I think that B finally understands that he's too busy for a relationship right now. And I think he accepts that there's nothing I can do to change our situation. Short of not needing to talk to him, there's nothing else I can do. Is there? Hence the break.

The thing is, since I met this mysterious guy, I don't really care about my relationship with B anymore. And that's the thing that bothers me the most. What kind of person am I to be this fair weather? I remember things that bothered me about him at the start of our relationship. I remember thinking "I don't like you very much because you're a pompous, verbose ass". How did I just overlook that all this time? He is patronising and condescending and sarcastic and takes himself too seriously. Those are all faults I see in myself. Do I really need to be with someone who amplifies those issues? Did I suppress all of those things because I wanted to move to the Caribbean and live in paradise? Was I blown away by his talk of marriage and kids and a future together? Should I have trusted my earlier instincts?

B is coming up in two weeks for his high school reunion. The break is until then. He will be staying with me as planned. We're still going to celebrate his birthday. Maybe then everything will be fine. I don't want to break his heart for the third time in our lives. But I'm starting to wonder if the universe is trying to tell me that we're just not meant to be together. Is that just a cop out?

I'm not sure what, if anything, I should do about this mysterious guy. Nothing, for now. Perhaps in a couple of weeks he'll realize I'm not that likeable after all.