Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Blogger was down last night

I'm happy tonight.

I think I need to face the fact that other people can and do have a profound influence on the way that I am feeling, especially with respect to my self-esteem. I don't know how to fix that. I've worked so hard at being happy in the last few years that I thought I had made progress. Perhaps I haven't come as far as I thought I had.

I talked to the mysterious guy tonight. I did send him that email but he never said anything about it. And I'm 99% sure he read it tonight before I talked to him. Today, on my way to work, I dropped off his shirt at his condo. I enclosed a note saying that I wasn't angry at him, just disappointed in myself and that I hoped he would find someone who could make him happy and take care of him. He called me while I was at class. I called him back (because I'm an idiot and incapable of making a good decision). And we had a relatively normal conversation. I don't know why he wants to talk to me still. My best friend says it's because he thinks he still has a chance to get some sex. And, as cynical as I am, part of me accepts that. But that tiny bit of me that won't let hope die wants to believe that he does care.

At this point, I don't want to think about that. I want to figure out how I can handle my emotions. The last week has been such a roller coaster. Happy on Tuesday. Waiting for him to come home all week. Scared on Friday. Disappointed on Saturday. Confused on Sunday. Upset on Monday. Happy today, a week later. Why can't I keep the emotions on an even keel, despite all of the stuff that has happened? Why can't I be more like the Dalai Lama? Acknowledge them, accept them, let them go. I have accurately predicted the events and my reactions to them all week. But I still can't control the way that I feel. Is it because I can't control the way that I act and react? Is it because it's easier to do what's bad for me and I don't have the strength to make the right decisions? Maybe I actually... enjoy the emotions. I don't think so but maybe I don't want to believe that about myself. That the only way I can really truly feel anything is to do it in the extreme.

B will be here in two more sleeps. If the mysterious guy calls me tomorrow, I will ask him not to call me again this week. That I'll call him next week. I'm nervous about B being here. I know what I want. I want him to cut me loose for a year. I want him to work on getting to know me, on figuring out how to make me laugh, to take an active interest in my life. All the while, not being in a relationship with me. Selfish, isn't it? I'm such a bitch. I hate myself.

All of a sudden, I'm not quite so happy anymore.

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