Friday, November 21, 2008

I've said too much

The confusion has ended. 10 hours of sleep helped significantly with that, as did being officially blown off by The Crush. I am relieved. I am starting to develop real feelings for this other guy. Real enough that I don't want to doom it by giving him a blog name. We just spent an hour and 45 minutes on the phone. It was all going wonderfully well until the end of the call. He was funny and we talked about his coming down here in two weekends. Then I told him about Grey. It came up and was unavoidable. He already asked me what I did today and I fudged and felt guilty. I didn't think dim sum, a bad movie, a joint and a mind blowing orgasm with my booty buddy would go over too well. When the subject came around again, I felt like the Universe was giving me a second chance to make things right. I'm being vague on purpose. The details are irrelevant. He just knows that I have an active partner and that we are no longer dating. That we're friends with benefits without the friendship part.

I feel like an idiot. I'm not sure if I will hear from him again. He seemed to be fine with hearing it. In fact, it was more of an issue for me. Because I care what he thinks and don't want him to think less of me for this. He should, I know. I do know that. But he said he wasn't judging. I wish we could have had that conversation in person. Maybe we'll talk about it more if I do see him again. I want to be excited that he wants to come and visit. But now I just feel nauseated. I hate myself, sometimes.

8 comments:

Alexandreena said...

I don't think you have reasons to hate yourself. You were honest and he sounds as if he took the information with the correct attitude.

I don't want to jinx it either, but I have a good feeling about this.

Go get excited about this already!

Awkward, for you said...

Do you hate yourself for telling him? or hate yourself for continuing your relationship with Grey?

Asshat said...

"We're friends with benefits without the friendship part."

That puts a fine point on it, doesn't it? Very well stated.

I'm going to write that down and magnetically attach it to my refrigerator.

Dingo said...

Hi, I came over from Geekhiker's blog. I apparently have a lot of reading to catch up on over here. I'll grab a cup of tea and sit down with your blog ASAP. Then, once I am up to speed I will post unsolicited advice and unwarranted opinions with abandon.

G in Berlin said...

I wouldn't have dated a man who told me he was having casual sex (or consistent casual sex) while I was exploring a relationship with him. I wouldn't have judged him (yes I would- but not to his face), but I wouldn't have been interested.
How would you feel if you felt interested in a guy and after doing something you asked what he was up to and he said that he had casual sex with an ex-friend, and that he would expect to do that regularlWhether you feel that there is a difference before marriage/committed relationship that doesn't apply to starting to date/feeling a connection, I would be completely, well, disgusted. I think you absolutely should have kept that info to yourself. And in future similar circumstances I would advise not sharing that. Perhaps not comitting the action, as well.
My 2 cents.

Elusive Butterfly said...

G, I may have to delete your judgmental comment. First, I am not "exploring a relationship" with this guy. I have seen him once and don't know that I will ever see him again. Frankly, until a few minutes ago, I didn't know that I would ever speak to him again. Second, I never once said that I would expect to continue sleeping with Grey on a regular basis. That's outrageous. Obviously my extracurricular activities with Grey would end if this guy said he wanted to be in a serious, committed, monogamous relationship with me. Third, I will don't think I have to justify being single and not celibate to anyone but myself. Yes I am single and dating other people but in a monogamous sexual relationship which we both know will end when we find something real to fill the void. I don't know how many partners Grey has but I think it is one. Me. We may not have a relationship, or even a friendship, but we have been good to each other within the bounds of our messed up limitations. Thank you for helping me find clarity. When the Other Guy calls me later tonight, I will tell him all of this.

G in Berlin said...

Absolutely, delete my comment if you don't want to look at it- this is your blog. I am most certainly older than you and come from a different background and yes, I do have different views. But I still think that my views have merit. Your views are your own and if you are happy with them and the results of your actions, then you are successful. I don't know you, really. I only know what you write on your blog. In many ways you seem like me, when I was working and single and had suffered through unhappy and what were, when I looked back, mentally abusive relationships. It took a long while for my husband to convince me that he really loved me and that I was really worthy of being loved and treated with great respect. I think every woman deserves that. If you disagree with my opinions or the way I state them, I am not offended if you remove my comment. If you are so offended by what I say, tell me and I will stop reading and commenting. I do hope that things work out for you in every way that you wish.

geekhiker said...

"We're friends with benefits without the friendship part."

I think I need me one of those...