Monday, November 24, 2008

Screw up

I always fuck up the good things. He's not coming next weekend. And I'm not sure if I'm going to see him the following weekend. I feel bad for being the reason that his buddies are going to get turfed out of a free place to stay. And he wants to slow things down. I'm not good at that. I'm better with the emergency brake, backing the car up and tearing back up the same dirt road that got me here. I told him I wouldn't be sleeping with Grey anymore. I'm not sure if that's a promise I'm capable of keeping. Not because I don't want to keep the promise. But because I feel stupid and small and worthless. And when I feel like this, I do stupid and worthless and reckless things. For example, I am going to smoke a cigarette now. I know it will make me feel shitty. I really don't want one. And it's cold outside. But I know it will numb the pain and stop the tears. So I go in search of temporary relief. Because I don't know how to stop wishing I was dead. I'm sure everything will look better in the morning.

6 comments:

Alexandreena said...

(hugs)
I hope tihngs do look better in the morning.

geekhiker said...

Sorry I can't be there to rip the cigarette out of your hands. I mean, I'd do it in a friendly, caring way, of course. But I'd still do it. Then I'd offer a shoulder of support, whether you liked it or not.

For what it's worth, we all feel that way sometimes. Just don't let it become a permanent state. Trust me on this one, m'kay?

cce said...

Believe me...I've been on this roller coaster ride of which you write. Ups, downs, hope, dashed hope - I think it's called dating. I'm going to circle back round to what I said yesterday...play it a little cool. Be very unavailable. Even if it means sequestering yourself for a solo Sex and the City DVD marathon. None of these guys will know where you are and they will all find you more mysterious and attractive for the absence.

Elusive Butterfly said...

CCE, it's game on. The Other Guy emailed me very early this morning as he indicated he would last night. I'm trying to decide how long to wait before responding, given that he knows I'm in front of a computer all day today. Not mysterious, but unavailable. I am not good at these games. Does anyone have a book I can borrow?

Dawn said...

You seem like an intelligent, insightful, fun human being - men just tend to be jackasses (games or no games)

Could someone tell me if playing games has ever landed you 'the man'. I'm propobably outruled here (especially since I am now an old married lady of 3 years) but I've never played games. It's not who I am. Seriously - has it ever worked?


(medium time lurker - i found you via harlan)

SaneAndSingle said...

Aww...I know what you mean about doing stupid and worthless and reckless things. After my not-so-good meeting with LD Man, I also reached for the cigarettes!