Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Man help

Ugh, what is wrong with me? I have alternately been second guessing myself and grinning inanely all day. How can one person, one man, have such a complex, brain melting effect on me? Augh. On the one hand, I know I am over thinking it and I should stop. On the other hand, what if he's such a nice guy that he's just being polite and I am mistaking it for interest because I haven't been around nice guys in... oh 31 years? Or, what if he was interested yesterday but changed his mind this morning? I should not be so excited. I should be calm and cool and detached and zen. But when he smiles at me, it feels like there is nobody else left in the world. I found myself looking at his lips last night wondering what it would be like to kiss them. I never do that! Ever! I totally have crush on this guy. An unmanageable, mind bogglingly, silly school-girl, grin-like-an-idiot-at-total-strangers-in-the-mall-because-I-was-thinking-about-him crush. Argh.

Meanwhile, I had a complete meltdown in the evening because I couldn't get the damned faucet off the sink and called Grey. First I called Baby but she didn't seem too sympathetic. Bride brain, I guess. Then I called him and he made fun of me and I freaked out. When I almost hung up on him, he said "easy tiger, I'm leaving work and will be there in half an hour". He came upstairs, immediately went to work with my tools, took off the faucet (I felt less stupid that it took him a while to loosen the screws and everything) and then proceeded to hug me and joke around with me until I stopped crying and berating myself for being less than entirely independent. I let him work his magic and it felt good to have him work so hard to make me smile. He didn't even seem to mind that I turned him down for sex. I hate being alone because I hate asking for help and he made me feel better. For that, I appreciate him.

Honestly though, I really want to believe there is something better out there for me than him and this, our fucked up "relationship". Preferably with The Crush I mentioned in the first paragraph. I would really like to have someone, not just anyone, but someone like The Crush, in my life. Not to fix my faucets but to come over and hug me until the tears go away. If there is no-one else for me except Grey, the next 50 years are going to be pretty solitary.

3 comments:

Susan said...

Ok girl. Take a deep breath and get a hold of yourself. Crushes are awesome, and they happen very rarely. Enjoy it! Don't second guess it. Have fun. Don't worry if you are going to spend the rest of your life with him, just enjoy the fact that thinking about him makes you smile, and keep hoping that he might feel the same way.

geekhiker said...

I'll keep my fingers crossed that things work out with your current crush. I'm thinking good things. As my luck has descended over the last couple of months, the good juju seems to have bounced off me and landed on a number of other bloggers who have found their loves. I'm sure there's enough left that it will strike you too...

Alexandreena said...

Nothing is worong with you. You should grin all day!