Saturday, June 27, 2009


I dreamt about Grey this morning. It was a weird dream. I haven't had one in a while.

We were having sex and he said to me, "this is as good as it's ever going to get baby".

Then a series of thoughts, like a camera on slow shutter speed. It's only ever going to be like this. Where we have sex on his schedule. Randomly. I will only ever be at his beck and call. Nothing more. Not with him. Not with anyone. And he knows it. He knows that I will always come when called. It must be nice for him to know that. He must feel comforted that I will always be there for him. That he won't ever have to be alone if he doesn't want to be alone. So in a warped sense, that makes me his. Forever. Because, while we are in this state of nothing, I won't ever find someone who will want me the way he doesn't want me. Who will be able to give me more. Who will want me to be more than just a warm body on a cold night.

I looked up at him, wide-eyed, like a deer in headlights and said, "that must be reassuring for you. To know that you'll always have me around because you know that I can't do any better than this".

I woke up crying.


Awkward, for you said...

He is no good for should really drop him on your terms. You don't need that.

Elusive Butterfly said...

I know I should. But I don't want to. And I don't know how to get to the point of wanting to. I realize I'm being crazystupidirrationalblahblah but I can't figure this out. It's been almost two years of shenanigans but I still can't figure out how to get him out of my system. It's probably as easy as just making the decision not to do it anymore but I need some sort of catalyst. Something that's not "I'm not in love with you" or "Don't ever speak to me again". Fuck. I'm a such a fucktard.

Asshat said...

Even your subconscious has figured out he's a jerk. That dream's probably your catalyst.

Anonymous said...

Whether or not he's good for you may be irrelevant. His company is obviously filling a gap for you, and fulfilling you in some way as well. You're not a shy girl, nor are you weak, and I think if you want something more than what you have with him, you will pursue it when the time is right. That, however, is not something that can be forced.

If he is fulfilling the need we all have for basic human contact, even if it's not in an ideal form, then that may in the end not be such a bad thing.