Dream

I dreamt about Grey this morning. It was a weird dream. I haven't had one in a while.

We were having sex and he said to me, "this is as good as it's ever going to get baby".

Then a series of thoughts, like a camera on slow shutter speed. It's only ever going to be like this. Where we have sex on his schedule. Randomly. I will only ever be at his beck and call. Nothing more. Not with him. Not with anyone. And he knows it. He knows that I will always come when called. It must be nice for him to know that. He must feel comforted that I will always be there for him. That he won't ever have to be alone if he doesn't want to be alone. So in a warped sense, that makes me his. Forever. Because, while we are in this state of nothing, I won't ever find someone who will want me the way he doesn't want me. Who will be able to give me more. Who will want me to be more than just a warm body on a cold night.

I looked up at him, wide-eyed, like a deer in headlights and said, "that must be reassuring for you. To know that you'll always have me around because you know that I can't do any better than this".

I woke up crying.