Saturday, March 29, 2008

Imaginary argument

I had a big imaginary argument with Grey in the car. (Yes, I talk back to the voices). In my head, I let him have it for constantly making me feel shitty about myself. In my imaginary argument, I yelled and cried. I told him that he was a colossal jerk for always making me shitty about myself. For behaving like a child by provoking an unnecessary argument. For thinking that he's better than me. And for making me believe that is true. I told him that I was smart and capable and that I deserve to be treated better. And then, because we were driving, I pulled over and made him get out. Then I drove away and felt shitty and wished that I hadn't lost my temper. From this imaginary argument, I learned that it never feels good to get angry. That's it far better to be level-headed and deal with negativity in a productive, mature way. Now if only I could figure out how to do that in real life.

I'm very tired so I think I should try to go to bed right now. I wish it helped to think constructively about my interactions with Grey. Perhaps it will help me in my next relationship. If I ever stop thinking about him long enough to get over him. I have to keep reminding myself that two Friday nights in a row do not a relationship make.

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