Monday, March 31, 2008

The Rules

Some time ago, I wrote down a list of things I'm looking for in a man.

In no particular order:

1. Manners. Say please and thank you. Open my door once in a while. Offer me a drink when I come over.
2. Hygiene. Brush, floss, mouthwash, wash your hands, don't use the same knife on meat and veggies... Hygiene is based on science. I'm a science geek.
3. Tone of voice. I'm hypersensitive to this. I try hard not to be but I can't help it. If you yell at me, I will probably cry when you're not looking.
4. Toilet seat. Put the fucking lid down already. That way we all have to lift something up. This is a non-negotiable item.
5. Shoes. Self-explanatory, I think.
6. Food. Will exchange sex for breakfast. My dream is to be with a man that likes to cook for me. In return, I'll do dishes til death do us part.
7. Phone calls. If you say you're going to call, do it. I'd rather he didn't call and didn't promise than waiting around expecting.
8. Humility. I want to hear "sorry" when we both know he is wrong and sometimes when he isn't. While I understand that women and men use "sorry" differently, if he's not humble enough to admit "weakness", I'm not attracted.
9. Clean towels. If I shower at his place, I want him to be considerate enough to offer me a clean towel without me having to ask.
10. Dance. If we're out and I'm dancing, dance with me. A man that won't dance because cares about looking foolish on the dance floor sucks in bed. Also non-negotiable.
11. Hangers. Wooden hangers turn me on. Especially when the closet is super organized like mine: season, function, colour.
12. Spelling. If he can't speel, we can't have sxe. I am willing to make an exception for men for whom English is not their first language. And men who can beat me at Scrabble.
13. Laugh. If he gets me, he'll try to make me laugh. "Laughter is the thinking girl's aphrodisiac" - Fish ( Non-negotiable: I'm grumpy and bitchy enough for more than one person and despair/cynicism/sadness is exhausting for both people. I learned that the hard way from my parents.
14. Independence. If you live at home and/or can't drive, go away. Non-negotiable.
15. Work. He has to make at least as much money as I do. Preferably significantly more ;) "I ain't saying she a golddigger..."
16. Babies. He has to be comfortable holding a baby. It's a sign of self-confidence.
17. Education. More than high school and preferably university or equivalent life experience.
18. Plan. I have a schedule. A man that expects me to fit my life into his schedule isn't going to get a lot of face time.
19. Fake it. If you normally live like a slob, for crying out loud clean when you know I'm coming over.
20. Neuroses. It would be nice to be with someone who is as neurotic as I am and won't care that I have to have 3 rolls of toilet paper stacked in a pyramid on the toilet tank at all times. For once, I would like to talk to a man who doesn't get scared off when I say what I'm thinking or feeling.

I don't think that I'm picky and I don't think I have unattainably high standards. I'm in search of laughter and happiness and companionship. But I also truly believe that it's an illusion and that we're all really alone. I have my issues so maybe that's just a cop out so I won't have to deal with them. I know I have a pattern of being attracted to emotionally-unavailable, narcissistic, substance-abusing men but I can't figure out how to break it. A couple of years ago, I realized suddenly that I wouldn't have a problem living alone for the rest of my life. Perhaps that's sad but I like sleeping alone and not sharing my bathroom and not having to wonder if there's still ice cream in the freezer. I just don't think it's possible to have good conversation and good sex with the same man.

1 comment:

I Want For What Never Was said...

Your last line says it the absolute best. I don't think it's possible to have a seriously stimulating conversation with a guy that knows what he's doing in the sack. It's the law of the land.