Monday, August 13, 2007

It might be time to blog again

The intervals between blog entries are getting longer. I wonder why this might be.

Possible reasons include:

1. It's summer so I'm busy which means less thoughtful. Or maybe just less time to write.
2. I'm happier. I don't feel happier overall. But for some reason I am not feeling up to writing.
3. I'm tired all the time. That means fewer late nights, less stamina to stay up writing.
4. Procrastination has taken over my life. I am reading and rereading the Amelia Peabody series. It helps me to escape from my life. It invariably makes me smile or laugh out loud in under two pages. I like to feel empowered and those books do it for me. Also, there is so much rich detail that I seem to see and hear new things every time I read them.

I finished Harry Potter on the Sunday morning after it came out. For some reason I have held off rereading it. I will soon though. I have read all the other ones so many times I have lost count. 7? 8? More?

Is it wrong to feel boiling hatred and consuming anger towards your significant other? I have a problem. When I don't talk to him for a few days, I forget how much I care about him. When he's too busy to talk to me, I feel like that means he doesn't care about me anymore. Why do I think that? And how do I fix that?

Today we had a long conversation. I think that he is beginning to understand that communication is important to me. After all, it's the only thing we have right now. I told him that we need to have a real conversation once a week. I'm definitely going back to work full-time after I'm done school. I can't take the pressure to finish and move and find happily ever after. I need some time to make this work without worrying about my thesis and lab work and grades and funding.

He has 4 vacation days left in the year. That makes me sad. That's less than one day a month for the next 5 months. I have already booked my flight down there for my birthday. I don't want to go down there and be frustrated about his not having time for me. And what about his high school reunion in September? How is this going to work?

Some days I miss the sound of his voice. Other days I get so angry that I convince myself that I don't want to be with him. That I don't need anything from him. That I don't need anybody. That I'm better off alone. That I hate him and I wish he would just end it and save us both the agony. That's when I push him away. Passively and aggressively. Then I am sad that the future we have planned isn't real. It's all just a figment of my imagination. Too good to be true. God, I have so much baggage. Why is he with me?

I feel like he barely knows me at all. He certainly doesn't know how to make me laugh. Most days he brings me down. I don't think he can correctly interpret my facial expressions. Sometimes I think he only hears a fraction of my words and even less of my meaning. I went to my doctor and had a whole suite of blood tests and ultrasounds. Everything came up negative. I am going to see a gastroenterologist in October. We haven't talked about it at all. I'm a bit scared. I miss my old Valentine. He is seeing someone now. She travels a lot though. I guess he must like the relationship because it means he's on his own most of the time.

Tonight I am overcome with sadness. I think I know why. I'm tired. My parents are in town. They always make my blood pressure go up. I realized that the reason I'm in pain when I take my pill on an empty stomach is because it has lactose in it. I retaliated against my rude waiter this evening by not leaving a tip. There were some words but the parting wasn't acrimonious. I still feel shitty though. Why didn't he just bring me a new drink instead of ganging up with the bartender against me? Who puts ice in champagne or sparkling wine? B said he would talk to me tonight. When he said it, I knew that we wouldn't talk tonight. But I was hopeful when I got home. He was online but I didn't get a response. Hope and disappointment are soul-crushing.

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