It's Complicated

I highly recommend that movie. I haven't laughed so hard in a very, very long time. And it made me think about past and future relationships and why we choose to be with the people that we're with.

Finance guy said I could call him when the movie was done so I wouldn't have to walk home alone. But when I phoned him on the walk home, he didn't answer. He rarely answers his phone when I call him. I'm starting to take it personally. It feels as though he is hiding something. Maybe me, from everyone else in his life.

Then I phoned MFV but he was heading to the movies with his little sister and couldn't talk. That's when I felt really alone.

I walked home alone in the cold. It was very quiet, snowing. And I cried.

New Years Resolution

This year I have decided to be more circumspect with my verbal communication. I intend to finish my sentences and choose my words more precisely. This means slowing down (take a page from the Barack Obama interview guide!) and being more mindful of the words coming out of my brain and into the world via my mouth... which sometimes has a tendency to lag behind my thoughts to the detriment of everyone around me.

Also, I will be turning 40 in 8 years and I am going to create a list of 8 Things to Do Before I Turn 40. I haven't thought of everything yet but I figure I don't have to decide today. Here is the beginning of my list:

1. Perform on stage. This will likely be either dance or acting. The thought freaks me out but I'll get there eventually.
2. Learn a language... and then use it in that country. I'm thinking Italian at the moment.
3. Discipline and love another creature. I'm thinking puppy but I suppose I might accidentally get pregnant and have a little MiniMsB.
4. See my photo on a wall. Not my own wall.
5. Live in another country. I have my sights set on Melbourne, Australia in 2011.
...

Got any New Year's Resolutions you would like to share?

I almost dated Jesus

So, apparently, when you date an almost 40-year old Spanish Catholic man who was born on Christmas Day and whose name is Jesus, you don't get to see him that day because his parents won't let him come out and play. Apparently, this also means that you wake up on Boxing Day with no desire to fool around with him anymore.

It's a good thing I still have Don Draper and Robert Langdon to get me through the rest of the holidays!

Scrooge

Ah crap, it's Christmas eve again. I have plans this year. They include smoked salmon and saucy sangria jelly and brownies from a tube and jalapeno gouda. The fridge is quite full, which is unheard of around these parts. My goal for the holidays was to lose some weight, which has apparently happened out of sheer misery at work. But I am going to have to medicate myself through the next four days. I might even work on Monday, just to prevent me from hurting myself. Actually, no it won't be that bad because I was really proactive about making sure I have enough shows recorded and the new Dan Brown book as a bedtime backup plan.

As for the new guy update, I can't tell if it was the Prosecco or something else but there was much more chemistry last night than I anticipated. He brought dinner and a moovie. The Hangover is terrible but I laughed despite myself. And then he stayed til some ridiculous hour. Good thing today was a half day at the office.

This was his email in response to our phone call.

Thanks for calling....we're slowly running out of things to talk about...this phone call only lasted 2 hours and 10 minutes ;-0
but as usual, it was great chatting with you. I can't wait to see your new hair cut....but more importantly...I can wait to see you again!!
I'm going to steal a line from you and say, "you're almost tolerable"...but I know you know that what I'm really saying is, I'm really into you...i like you :-)

Less chaste kisses?

We talked for over 2 hours this evening. I was thinking it would be 15 or 20 minutes tops but it just went on and on foreverandever.

I'm seeing him tomorrow but we don't have actual plans. Probably dinner and copious quantities of alcohol. He asked me, "what if I hadn't asked if I could kiss you in the elevator?" I'm not sure where that conversation was going but somehow I ended up saying, "next time I'll say no". And he said, "next time I won't ask".

Ho hum...

Date number 3...

...lasted 7 hours. 7! And there was no hanky panky! Well, there was a very chaste, politely requested, elevator kiss. But that was it. I know, crazy right?

We went for brunch and then went to a movie and then he came over and we watched one and half episodes of Mad Men and that somehow lasted from 12.30 pm to 7.30 pm. I'm shaking my head right now.

It's weird to spend that long being polite to someone new but, for the most part, it was comfortable. He smells nice (bonus!) and is soft-spoken and well-dressed and rather sweet. I don't know what to do with him! Ha.

Seriously though, we probably spent a couple of hours at brunch just people-watching and chatting. Then we killed some time before the movie. Actually, we probably sat for an hour drinking a bottle of wine (woo hoo Varsity's new VIP movie area rocks!) and talking about random crap. We watched Up in the Air which was very good but also very unexpected. And then he basically invited himself over to watch Mad Men (his DVDs so it was okay really) and then planted himself in my IKEA chair so that I could have the couch and the blanket.

He acknowledged in his post-date email that we could have shared the couch and I suggested that he be *slightly* less polite in future; perhaps take a lesson or two from Mad Men ;)

Date number 2

At least, I think it was a date. It was just drinks and, in fact, I only had one pear cider. We closed the place down. Again! I talked a lot. I really must stop doing that. I know next to nothing about him. "Date" number 3 is on Sunday. Brunch and a moovie. I'm looking forward to it.

I can't explain why I like this guy. Maybe because he has been my therapist this week! He is a great listener, and not just because he lets me go on at length. Because he really seems to be paying attention.

Also, he seems nice. And I'm ready for nice. Really ready. I need a hug and for someone to hold me up and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Epilogue

Warning: I yam drunk.

Remember finance guy? Well, I *like* him. Warning bells! Danger! DANGER!

The Universe has a fucked up sense of humour. Why, Universe? WHY??

We went for dinner. He let me talk. I was superemotional today and I just needed to talk. And he listened. He really seemed to be paying attention. Literally, as soon as I got upstairs (fine, I will admit that I needed a cigarette after all the post-leaving announcement BS), I had an email from him.

Thanks for agreeing to go out with me and the very fun evening. I would go with you tomorrow. The problem is I'd want to spend just as much time with you as tonight. Hopefully I made enough of a positive impact that the 'other suits' will pale by comparison. ;). Have a great evening. Btw, you looked stunning. Let me know if I'll have the pleasure of your company sometime soon.

What a cheeseball. The thing is, it's kinda nice that he's cheesy. We talked a lot. Oh wait, I already said that. I'm drunk. I want to see him again.

FTW? Why, Universe?? Gah.

Delayed reaction

I got to thinking, if MFV has pictured our life down the road, far enough in the distant future to imagine us trying to have kids, maybe I should do that too. And I came up with a response. Admittedly, extremely delayed.

So I texted him, "we could always adopt?"

He lol'd :)

Evolution got derailed somewhere...

MFV thought it was necessary to have "the talk" with me just as I was going to sleep last night. Now, he is considerably younger than me and I don't expect him to know what he wants, be decisive or make a commitment. He is, after all, a man. He told me at 2 am that (i) he is the way he is (commentary: uh yeah, duh, I can accept that); (ii) he is a commitment-phobe and cannot make a commitment the way that I expect to be committed to (thought: uh yeah, we're not even dating, let alone "together"); (iii) he is not ready to have kids but, in several years, when he might be ready to have kids, I may be too old to have them (conclusion: way to state the obvious my dear).

It sounds as though we are perfect for each other! We'll just be BFFWB foreverandeveramen.

From this, I conclude that:
1. We are not in an exclusive relationship.
2. He can go Tiger Woods on me at any time.
3. I am free to fool around with random boys.

So, I intend to bring the new guy to his knees later tonight and beg for it. And then I'm having coffee with finance guy tomorrow just to prop up my ego.

Men, are they actually good for anything but games?? Gah.

Going West

They called today about the job offer. They wanted to offer me the contract position. I declined because I am single, have one income keeping a roof over my head and would like to buy a more permanent roof over my head before I retire. I have no-one else to rely on for benefits or financial security. So I think I made the right decision.

I plan to accept the offer to move to BC next week, as soon as they have removed the clause about a 90-day probationary period. I anticipate this will not be a problem as I have been with the company for 8 years, almost 4 of which were in BC. I hope that is not a ridiculous assumption but I suppose I will find out.

In not entirely unrelated news, I hate new grocery stores. I wish all stores (at least all stores in a chain) were laid out the same way. But they aren't. I went in to Grey's usual store (because it's open 24 hours and on the way home from Baby's house) to buy juice, soy milk, yoghurt, noodles and bagels and it took me 3 circuits around the store. There were a ton of people doing inventory but nobody offered any assistance. Truth be told, I didn't ask because they all looked stoned. And then, of course, I had to bag my own crap using the self-serve check out. Apparently, if you leave your hand in the bag while you're scanning your items, the scanner doesn't work. Supremely fucked up. I think that I might hate all grocery stores right now.

It doesn't help that my stomach is killing me. Don't know why but I should go to bed.

Second interview

I'm drunk. I had two glasses of red wine with dinner and wow did I ever need those. I got drunk and silly with my coworker, one of the grad students and my coworker's friend. He is totally my type - older, glasses geeky and in finance. Uhhh hello?! Except, she already told me he's bad in bed. So I'm getting into my bed alone tonight. As I have done for weeks. The interview went... well, fuck, I really have no idea. The veep isn't the kinda guy who cracks a smile. Me, I'm frigging permasmile when I'm in loooove. No poker face here. Oh well, wait and see, I guess. I don't really know what I want anymore. So, here in my drunkenness I'm going to disclose personal information which I probably should not post on my blog.

BC offer: $X5K, 4 weeks vacation, $5K moving allowance, promotion
This job offer match: $X3K plus 4 weeks vacation or $X5K plus 3 weeks vacation. Actually, I really want $X5K plus 4 weeks but I am certain that's not an option. I also don't want the hassle of moving back out west, even though I want to live there and I want to be closer to MFV. And my family, obviously (blarf).

Sunday morning

I'm procrastinating. On Sunday! About going out! I do this often. I just want to stay home and be spooned by my couch most of the time. Is that so much to ask? I'm a recovering grad student, after all.

Yesterday, I finally dragged my ass out of the house about 3 pm for coffee, cash and One of a Kind Show (yes, again). I want to post all of the awesome and cool things that I saw there! I know I said I would do that last week but I haven't had the energy. Maybe tonight? Ahh, who am I kidding? They will just live forever in my head and in the little pile of cards on my desk. I should find a place for those. Some great, unusual gift ideas lie in that little pile.

I spent around 3 hours at the show wandering around by myself, sampling food and buying trinkets for myself. I thought about the art that I wanted to put on my imaginary condo walls. And I decided that I'm going to wait until I have said condo and then put up some of my own photos. And one or two of MFV's. He's an incredible photographer.

I took the long way home - 2 streetcars instead of the subway. At Bathurst and Queen, I saw a woman standing, waiting for the southbound car dressed in a leopard hoodie/cape thing complete with little ears and whiskers. She was waving excitedly as we passed by. Then, a couple of blocks north of that, we passed a house with a sign in the window, "Steam baths". We have steam baths in Toronto? Apparently we do. As we passed the back of the house, two police officers were leading a large man out onto the street in handcuffs. I think that was my first arrest. Ahem, not *my* first arrest! But you know what I mean. My first time seeing one in real life. Crazy.

Then I had sushi with my toxic ex-coworker and her brother and his gf. I have decided I don't like her family that much either. Must spend less time.

And today, I'm off to the mall and the orifice, the post office and two feedings by nice Indian parents (not mine, fortunately!). While I do not object to the feedings, I could use a bit more couch time today.

My favourite things

There are three things I value about myself:

1. I can make people laugh. Not everyone all the time. But most of my friends and quite a few strangers. When it counts. And sometimes when it doesn't. Because unexpected hilarity is often the best kind.

2. I take good photos. I hesitated a moment before typing "good". But, actually, sometimes I get lucky. I have been to a couple of weddings where the couple ended up using my photos instead of (or as well as) the professional photos. The grad student who just had a baby changed her profile pic to one of the photos I took in the hospital. And she said another one that I took in the hospital made some of her husband's family cry. That's good enough for me.

3. I'm decent with Excel. This may sound ridiculous but I can colour-code spreadsheets like a maniac on the floor...

Ya, it's definitely time for bed.

Because I is a nerd

And my friends are too.

Faak

I just can't win. I heard back about the other job today. They want me in for a second interview with the veeps next week. The Universe appears to be screwing with me big time.

In entirely unrelated news, I had dinner with an old friend and her sister-in-law. Highlight of my evening was when the sister in law said, "I didn't get to talk to Ms B properly last time; she's funny!" I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. If you need context, my friend's brother asked why they included a tip line on the credit card receipt when they already added the service charge. My response? "It's for drunk people".

:)

I did it

I started the ball rolling on the contract negotiations. I emailed my old boss this evening to ask for more money and an extra week of vacation. I didn't want to negotiate with him unless I was serious about moving back to Vancouver. But I made my decision today. Tomorrow I have to phone my landlady. I should send her an email now though, before I forget.

Okay, that's done. It's official. I'm moving out of here, and hopefully either into a storage space or a new condo in February! Yipes.

I was really having trouble deciding. I emailed MFV to ask him why he wasn't texting me every two hours, "Mooove back to Vancouver" but he was busy at work and, while I was dancing in the dark in my living room - dancing helps me think - I realized that I had nobody to talk to. So I sent a text message to my sister: "Should I stay in Toronto or moove back to Vancouver". She replied, "Move back to Vancouver". So, while I was emailing my old boss, MFV messaged me, "Moove back to Vancouver". We'll see what happens with the negotiations this week.

I'm going to bed. I missed my bed all day today. Tomorrow, I will tell you all about the cool stuff I bought at the One of A Kind Show this weekend.

Confused

I know I wrote recently that I would not blog about my relationship with MFV but I am feeling so confused at the moment and obviously have nobody to talk to about this. He has been spending time with my sister, which, at first I thought was sweet and helpful. And I still want to believe that's all it is. But he's been helping her catproof her new condo and I'm starting to turn a bit green around the gills. He doesn't even like cats! But he took her to IKEA today to get something which would help the situation. I wasn't really clear what that was though. A dog, maybe??

I'm not close to my sister. We're too different. I've tried but I just can't have a meaningful conversation with her. He has tried to reassure me that he's attracted to me and therefore would not be attracted to her. She's the skinny, pretty one. I got the brains (and I like to think the personality!). There were a couple of evenings when he didn't text me back and it wasn't until we talked later that he told me what he was doing but not who he was with. He only told me when I asked who he went with. After that, I told him that I would be more comfortable if he told me ahead of time that he was going to hang out with her. Otherwise it feels as though he's hiding it and he said it wasn't a big deal. But something feels off this evening. Maybe I'm imagining things.

I guess, if it's going to happen (or if it has already happened), there's nothing I can do about it. But, if it does, there's no way around it. I will feel betrayed.

Geeky

I am always attracted to the geekiest guy in the room. Okay, not the geekiest guy in the room. But definitely the geekiest guy on TV. Like Chuck Bartowski and Adam on CSI:NY and Greg on CSI:LV and Reid on Criminal Minds. Today, I was talking to a boy on Google Wave. And another boy on MSN. I told that one that I would pwn him one day. Also, I sent my friends a science joke today. It was a joke about pH. But it was so funny and my friends appreciated it. I is a nerd. Nerds are cool! Omg, I'm such a turkey. Happy Thanksgiving y'all!

Pathetic

There are times when I wish I was not conscious. There are times when I wish I would never be conscious again. Instead, I dig a frozen cigarette out of the freezer and kill myself slowly. I know I am pathetic. I own that. I tell myself often, out loud, sometimes in public places when nobody can hear me. I call myself terrible names. It starts in the shower and doesn't stop until I get into bed, exhausted and unable to think anymore. I tell myself that everyone hates me, and they are right to hate me. I'm unlovable and unworthy of any kind of time or attention. That's the reason I'm alone. I deserve to be alone. So I will be alone. If not by choice, then by half-hearted intention. I am pathetic and I hate myself.

Tea and ladies

Why don't men call when they say they're going to call? What is up with that? I hate it and I probably will never understand it. It frustrates me and I feel unloved, insignificant and neglected. Thank God for girlfriends and afternoon tea and tiny scones with devon cream and tea in teapots with teacups and saucers and strainers and all the dainty things that make me happy. Also, I am looking forward to copious amounts of alcohol tonight. (By copious, I mean two drinks).

Wholly, entirely subjective

I'm having a better food day today than I have had in a long time (no thanks to work!) so I decided to blog about it.

Pre-breakfast: Sun Rype pressed apple juice. Yay BC :)
Breakfast: Decaf tall non-fat peppermint mocha. Okay fine it was a grande! But it's the only thing I love about Christmas.
Lunch: Pomegranate bran muffin, strawberry yoghurt, blueberries, raspberries.
Dinner: Salmon with dill and lemon, 350 degrees C in the toaster oven, approx. 20 mins; boiled green beans.
Dessert... brie and crackers, maybe? Maybe some chocolate digestives and milk.

This took planning and effort and, frankly, more time and energy than I have had in months. If only I could wake up every day without a headache and leave work at a reasonable hour (7 pm tonight). My tummy is happy today.

Oh, on a somewhat related note, I also had enough energy to wax my left leg. It was so ogopogo-hairy, though, that it hurt like a beyotch and now I'm too scared to do my right one. Maybe I'll save that one for tomorrow night!

Ugh

The interview was horrifying. Atrocious, appalling, cataclysmic.

No, actually, it wasn't. It went well, I think. BUT I don't think I will be receiving an offer. I miss the good old days when they used to offer you the job on the spot. At the end of my last interview, the office manager asked me, "so how much notice do you have to give??" Ya. Not this time. They said they would call me before the end of next week if they wanted me to come in for a second interview. So, I will make a decision about Vancouver on December 1.

Right now, though, I am going to put on my pjs and lie on the couch under a blanket, drink some 13 day old red wine and watch tv. And maybe pretend to study my camera manual. Cuz I a nerd like that.

Job interview

I could have prepared more efficiently. I could know more right now. I could care more. But frankly, all I want is to pack up and move back to Vancouver to be with my old group and move in with MFV. What the hell is wrong with me??

Mmmm coffeeee

My thing right now is Starbucks' Christmas lattes. Specifically, the peppermint white mocha. Now normally, I am not a fan of flavoured anything. My usual is a decaf tall non-fat vanilla extra hot latte. I choose vanilla over sugar. It's marginally better for you. But I decided to try the pumpkin spice latte and wow was that ever yummy. So, when Christmas lattes came out, I decided to be a little less Scrooge and a little more adventurous. I gotta say, the gingerbread latte and the creme brulee latte are just gross. Gross, gross, GROSS! But the peppermint with chocolate and coffee and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.... party in my mouth people! Merry holidays :)

Douchebags in elevators

I spent an inordinate amount of time with new guy and Douchebag today. New guy and I went to the Remembemererance Day ceremony at City Hall which was good. Except that, on the way there, he pulled me towards him in the elevator and tried to give me another face hickey and then, on the way back in the elevator, asked me what my breast size was.

Him: "what's your boob size?"
Me: stare of death (apparently futile)
Him: "B?"
Me: look of condescending superiority
Him: "C??"
Me: look of condescending smugness
Him: "nice"

Naturally, none of this prevented me from having lunch with him where he alternately ignored me in favour of his (not one but) two (!) blackberries and told me stories about the girls he has slammed/dated in the past. Truly charming.

Douchebag, on the other hand, was considerably better behaved today. We went downstairs for a mid-afternoon sugar break and, when we were waiting for the elevator, he said, "you're a very pretty girl, you know that?" I rolled my eyes and shot him a mental, "fuck you, I'm a woman not a girl, moron".

Hmm, maybe the problem is actually men + elevators.

aSSHAT

What more can a girl ask for? Asshat. Where are you Asshat?

Perfection

Today is turning out to be pretty perfect. This morning I got called for an interview for the only job to which I have applied since I finished school. It's pouring rain and sunny and I'm under the rainbow (not sure if this means I'm the pot of gold or the leprechaun) and there are dump trucks and steam rollers working outside my window. MFV sent me chocolates from Daniel le chocolat Belge for my birthday and I just ate a hazelnut mouse. It was like having a party in my mouth. I mean, really, what else can a girl ask for?

2^ 5 has been the best birthday ever

I just had the best birthday ever. MFV phoned at 11.30 to wish me a happy almost birthday and we probably talked for a couple of hours about stuff and stuff. It was tough to get up in the morning but it sorta felt like Christmas - minus that whole having to go to work thing. I got my free birthday latte from Starbucks - yay! - and my coworkers took me out to lunch which was so surprising and really nice. I really did not expect that at all. I even brought my lunch today which I NEVER do.

In the afternoon, I met up with my financial advisor. That was my birthday present to myself. I didn't lose as much as I thought in the last couple of years. Only around 4 or 5% of my portfolio. This was due to sheer dumb luck. When I last saw her in 2007, I had intended to buy a place in 2008 so we moved a lot out of equity into money market. Then, because I didn't see her for 2 years, we never moved it back out and I weathered the storm quite nicely. Actually, I should give her more credit for that. I'm sure that if I had been too aggressive with my equity balance, she would have let me know. She also asked me about my target retirement age. Whether I was looking at 60 or 55. I laughed and said 55 would be nice but, considering that I'm 32 years old today and still don't own a house, I doubt I can do both. She said she would run some numbers and see what happens.

Then the girls came over this evening for dinner. Pink dress made vegetarian chili which is phenomenal. Our mutual friend brought wine and cheese, all of which were fabulous. She also brought over molten chocolate lava mini cakes. Oh lord. And my belly dance teacher brought herself and some cheery spirits. It was really nice. It was good to feel loved. Also, my facebook wall literally exploded today. It was really unexpected and overwhelming and touching to feel so much love in my life.

But the icing on my cake might have been unexpectedly receiving a gift in the mail from MFV. He mailed me a Moroccan teapot stuffed with chocolates from Daniel le chocolat Belge. And a really sweet card. I might be falling in love with that stupid boy.

Teeter-totter

Did you know that, in the UK, they call teeter-totters "see-saws"? I grew up with see-saws. I feel like I'm on one right now. It sucks ass. On Friday afternoon, I talked to the other guy at the office. That man could sell crap to a crap salesman (sorry to whomever I plagiarized that from but it's apt and I would reference you if I remembered who you were, seriously). Anyway, I'm now waffling between 90% and 99% decided on the west coast. So much so that I'm started to get all weepy and shit thinking about the people I will be leaving behind. Again. I even got all teary when douchebag texted me, "i don't want you to go". Faaaak. But I want to go. I do. I just wish I could take everyone with me.

Yeah, what D said...

Oh wow! I was *totally* here today. I was heading out to meet coworkers for a post division meeting drink and couldn't find the stinkin' pub. After having a shitty day at the office, I almost went home in tears. But I forced myself to buck the shit up and call someone to get directions. I downed a very large glass of red wine and faked it for an hour. Now I'm home and bed looks so good that I may stomp on my phones, throw the computer out the window and never emerge from my pillow cocoon. Fuck you, life, I hate you!

My mom is going to oVo

And I didn't even have to tell her about the whole orgasm thing!

MFV got back from his worldly travels today. My old boss phoned and asked me if I was going to accept his offer. I told him that I wasn't ready to make a decision yet. That it comes down to personal life vs. professional satisfaction. When I talked to MFV, he told me to move to Vancouver. Seriously, in all seriousness, it almost tipped me over the edge. I'm teetering.

Sunday. I will make my decision on Sunday. Or maybe a bit later. Depending on what the other guy at work says. I'm going to phone him tomorrow.

Weekend stuff

Life has returned to regular programming, post-Convocation. Friday night was blustery and cold and raining cats and dogs. I bought a used lens from a guy off craigslist and then went for sushi and coffee with an ex-coworker. Saturday morning, I attempted to go the gym but was foiled because pilates was cancelled and I didn't have my running shoes or mp3 player (I'm the last person on the planet without an iPod) so I went to dim sum with my parents and the septuagenarians kids and newly adopted grandbaby. Then I baked some hazelnut butter crisp cookies and saw Charlie (his mom's birthday) and proceeded to get fat on condensed milk toast with the girls. And today was brunch at Tequila Bookworm, met a briard in the park, bizarre bazaar and Cirque du Soleil.

If you can see the show in Toronto, you should go. It's called oVo. It's my new favourite. It was as good as an orgasm. So remember, o for orgasm and oVo. In fact, it was better than an orgasm because I went with a girlfriend whose company I actually enjoy and we both went home with orgasms :) So.good. oVo, people. You should go.

Convococation!

I'm convoking tomorrow! I'm actually going to get my degree! After three years! I mean, that is, if they actually give it to me. Part of me wonders if I will march up there on stage and hold my hand out for it only to be told, "psyche!" Ha. It's going to feel pretty surreal, I can tell. If I had known how hard it would be to go to school and go to work and go to the grocery store and take out the garbage and live my life pretending to be an adult, all the while being all alone the entire time, I would never have had the energy or willpower to do it. Amazing what a girl can do when she has no idea what she's getting into :)

I have a new outfit - strangely enough though, no new shoes. Which is not to say that I didn't buy new shoes today - I totally did - but they're white flats so totally not fall shoes. I do have a new top, new pants and a new clutch. But that's okay. It's supposed to rain in the afternoon so, much as I would love to wear my thesis shoes, I'm not going to. Anyway, I'd better go to bed. It's going to be an early start. And yeah, yeah, I didn't want to go and my parents flew here for it which is the only reason I'm going but now I'm glad that I'm going because it feels like ducking Christmas! I'm so excited :)

Screw him

I emailed Grey to let him know that I was no longer comfortable with us going to Cirque on Sunday now that he's officially in a relationship with someone. I explained and tried to be gentle about it. His response from Vegas? "Whatever... overthink away. Have fun with ur Mom". So I told him he could go screw himself. It felt pretty good. I'll probably regret it in the morning. Or in a couple of minutes when he drunkenly replies. Or maybe I won't give a shit. Because that's how I feel right now. He's a fucking moron. Oh there's his response now...

Fucking guy always makes me fucking cry. I want so badly to hate him. Kill me now.

New guy update

So, I promised Victoria an update on the New guy. At the risk of ruining the ending (although, if you've been reading this blog for more than... oh about 90 seconds, you will be able to predict how it ends!), I have since lost interest. But it's still a mildly entertaining story and should probably be documented for posterity and my disastrous dating memoirs.

Here was the follow up fb conversation:

New guy at 19:24
on the verge of blocking you...

Ms Behaviour at 19:29
You're hilarious. Why do you want in so bad? You could just get to know me the old fashioned way like regular people instead of fb creeping me. I mean, if you know everything about me from fb, what are we going to talk about when we go for coffee/tea/lunch?

New guy at 19:35
I want in because you won't let me in, aside from that I don't give a shit.

Ms Behaviour at 19:42
Typical! Men are so predictable. No access for you yet :) My fb rule for coworkers is that I don't add you until I have socialized with you and I know you won't go gossiping about my personal life around the office. Is that fair?

Now go do something useful with your evening instead of messaging me.

New guy at 19:43
Yes, but I am not only planning on socializing with you, I am planning on fornicating with you too.....which reminds me, when are you going to invite me over?

Ms Behaviour at 20:41
Lmao and I'm planning on marrying you and having your babies!

You know, I always recommend Neil Strauss to all my single friends but it's refreshing to meet a man who actually practices the theory! So here's a question, do girls actually go for that sort of thing or do you end up getting bitch-slapped a lot?

New guy at 20:41
They not only go for it, they love it.

So, at this point, my interest has seriously started to wane. Listen guys, if you're picking up a girl and she knows how to play The Game, you should change it up. Because otherwise it's just another tired old pick up line.

Since this conversation almost 3 weeks ago, I have not been at the client office and he has made up for my absence by sending me progressively dirtier text messages. For example, "I can't wait to jizz all over your silky smooth skin" and "I miss staring at your ass and wondering if you like anal". Yeah. Smooth. I know.

Last week, he had a report for me so we met up for coffee. He finally admitted that he had given up on me and was no longer bothered about getting in my pants. I had to buy his coffee because he forgot his wallet at home and put up with his incessant blackberrying all night. Don't get me wrong, there is something superficially entertaining about this man but I have no interest in dating him. After MFV came and went, I have lost interest and patience in these games and the men who play them.

However, all of this did not stop New guy from trying to kiss me on the sidewalk. I fell for his, "give me a hug" and he pulled me in by my winter jacket and attempted to kiss close. I laughed at him and told him that I don't kiss my coworkers (okay, he has no reason to believe that I lie!) and turned my cheek. That was when he proceeded to chew on my cheek. It was kinda cute in a baby animal beseeching me for attention sort of way. So yeah, the fucker gave me a face hickey.

The final nail in the coffin was him posting, "no one likes you" on my fb wall. Yeah, that'll work.

Also, in other news, Grey has a girlfriend. We're supposed to see Cirque du Soleil this Sunday but I might have to uninvite him. I think that I'm over him because, frankly, I'm glad he's not *my* boyfriend. But I don't think I want to be friends with him, or spend $100 on a ticket which he probably won't appreciate. Maybe I'll take my mom instead.

I did meet a nice guy recently. He seemed nice the first time I met him and he seemed nice the second time I met him. He's a friend of a friend. Just this past weekend at a house party, he laughed at my jokes, rescued me from a creepy guy, helped me clean up and gave me a kiss on the cheek goodbye. I really like him as person and I think there might be some chemistry there. However, there is one MAJOR problem. In fact, I have always considered it a dealbreaker. He's a cop. RCMP actually, so maybe not as bad as uniform. But still, not good. That is the only profession I will not date because I cannot be married to a cop. Even firemen and paramedics, though less than ideal, are worthy of consideration. But I can't be married to someone who could die because of a firearm.

Apparently he told our mutual friend that I was an old soul. That's a nice compliment :)

My ribs are creaking

God, have I really not posted all week? It's been a long and crazy one. Not as crazy as some recent ones, but still long, despite being short. Our three day Thanksgiving weekend seems a distant memory now.

I attempted condensed milk toast with my girlfriends this evening. We started out with all-you-can-eat hot pot. My ribs are still creaking! Then we went to T&T (huge Chinese grocery store) and picked up milk toast and condensed milk. If you have never tried Taiwanese/HK-style condensed milk toast, go find yourself a reputable bubble tea place and indulge. It's like breakfast and dessert had a perfect baby. Anyway, it ended up being a long night but we had a good time and I haven't seen those two in ages. I wanted to talk to them about Vancouver but I couldn't find the right moment and didn't want to put a damper on the evening. I think I should probably talk to them separately. In person. Soon.

Anyway, I'm picking up keys to my septuagenarian friend's condo (parents are staying there for a couple of weeks), then hitting the gym and then Costco. Then hopefully lunch, camera research and a nap before birthday party in the evening. I'm already exhausted because of my stupid period so it's going to be a long day. My bed is calling out for me. Sleeeeep!

Flip-flop

No, this is not a post about shoes.

Now I know how MFV was feeling about his NYC vs. Vancouver decision.

I go back and forth every few hours about wanting to stay here vs. wanting to move back. I mean, sometimes it's 50-50 and other times I'm about to hit the giant red button which says, "Screw you Toronto!"

When I left BC, it was always my intention to move back. When I was in Tofino in August 2006, I mailed A a postcard and asked her to send it back to me when I graduated. She hasn't done that. In fact, she has probably forgotten. But I remember. Why, then, is it so hard for me to make this decision?

I know that I want to be on the West Coast. I hate the weather and the traffic and the pretentiousness. I miss the rain and sushi and the ocean. I hate that Toronto is sucking the soul out of my body. I miss being able to look people in the eye when I pass them on the street and not feeling like I need to be more threatening than them. I know I am a different person when I live here. Not a better person. I have been acutely unhappy here and very much conscious of it, whereas I feel like I was happier overall in Vancouver.

I want a raise and a promotion. I want off this stupid project. I want to not commute to Mississauga or work out of the client office. I want to be closer to my best friend.

But there's something keeping me here. Is it fear of something? I don't know. There is nothing here for me. Well, there is one thing. It's the illusion of friends. There are a handful of people who really mean a lot to me. But those people want what is best for me and won't resent me for moving forward with my life. It's the peripheral people that will be more difficult to deal with.

One thing that I have learned the hard way is that I always lose people when I move. When I switched elementary schools mid-year, when I left home for Canada, when I left boarding school, then undergrad, then Toronto. You lose people. It's just too difficult sometimes for them to keep up. Frankly, I have a large social circle here. Large enough that I feel guilty saying no to people so that I can have time to myself. The sum of all those meaningless, trivial friendships is greater here than it was in Vancouver. But I have always felt the quality of my friendships there were much higher. So what am I afraid of?

Maybe I just need time to allow the weight of this decision to settle in. So that I can defend my choice to all those who will question me and feel abandoned. Or rather, to let their criticism and judgment and disappointment just roll off. Like rain on a duck.

Quack.

Redacted

Some of you may have an entry in your reader which does not appear on my blog. I chose to delete it. I talked to MFV online today. He sent me an email which helped me understand that I was being completely neurotic and overthinking his response. So I think I will refrain from posting about him and our relationship for the next little while. There are plenty of other things I can gripe about.

Long weekends are lame

While work was a bitch this week, and I was looking forward to not being at the office for 3 days, now that the long weekend is here, I'm not happy about it. I hate long weekends. Everyone doing family stuff, eating yummy things and whatever other things families do together. Not that I want to be with mine at all. I mean, that would just make us all miserable. But I still feel lonely.

I get anxious having such a long expanse of time with so little to fill it in. I'm inventing things to do, none of which are bad and all of which I would normally want to do on a weekend. Like read the paper and watch tv and buy groceries and go to the gym. But the thought of forcing myself to stay busy while everyone else gets to relax fills me with dread. It's a good thing I brought work home.

And speaking of work, I'm inching ever closer to Vancouver. I heard today that there is stiff competition for job 1. And the person who is leaving job 2 hasn't even phoned to talk to me about whether I would be interested, even though that's what she told Douchebag she was going to do. Vancouver is not a bad opportunity. It's a big raise to go with a shiny new promotion. I love the city and it's feeling less and less like a backup plan every day. I am going to give myself until the end of the month to decide.

There are four things that worry me:

1. returning to a completely dysfunctional group, although the current state of dramarama is rapidly pushing me out the door;
2. losing my huge - if somewhat unsatisfying - social circle;
3. leaving my hairdresser;
4. not having a family doctor.

It is notoriously hard to get a family doctor. For almost 4 years, I went to the walk-in clinic. Ugh, bad.

I'm really going to bed early tonight. Hopefully nobody phones me after I fall asleep.

Anti-douchebag

MFV just left. We had a really great weekend. Not just because we had fun but because he is a really great guy. A good man. In fact, he is almost the man I need him to be. Amazing what three years can do to a 24 year old. Despite one long year of not speaking to each other (2007-2008), our friendship has stayed tight. I rely on him like nobody else and, this weekend, I realized what it means to have a man around who is capable of being a grown up. He took care of me which felt so good. He helped me make decisions. He was quiet when I disappeared into my thoughts. He was protective and thoughtful and responsible and considerate. I want that from a man, and the douchebags, while entertaining, pale in comparison to him.

For three years, I have missed him and loved him like my best friend. Because that's what he is. But today, I might have started to fall in love with him. Which scares me to death because I don't really know how he feels about me. He looks at me like he really sees me. He makes me laugh without really trying which is not easy with my nerdy sense of humour. I can be myself around him and it is nice not to have to keep my guard up all the time. He can even see beyond the face I present to the world to the sensitive, vulnerable person that I am hiding from everyone. It has been a long time since I could spend 48 hours with someone and not feel exhausted by their company. Which is not to say the weekend wasn't thoroughly exhausting.

Dinner on Friday at Ruth Chris to celebrate his raise and my degree was amazing. Then salsa dancing with Baby and Delorean at El Rancho. My former salsa partner has improved vastly and I frankly couldn't get enough of him. I could have danced all night...

When we got home, he kissed me and I freaked out and we talked. We talked about the past and our futures and decided that there's nothing wrong with friends fooling around. It was nice, actually. Okay, the sex wasn't mind blowing the way that it is with Grey but MFV has only been with three other women. Counting him, I am into double digits. I wonder if he will be my last.

Saturday was brunch and the Ontario Science Centre. We're a pair of giant nerds and had a really good time. Dinner at the Host with friends and then Nuit Blanche. I'll post photos later. We stayed up til 4 am walking all over downtown before my legs gave up outside the Art Gallery. We had dim sum this morning and then read the paper and had dinner on the way to the airport.

I cried when he left. I don't know if I'm just tired and overwhelmed or if this is just a passing emotional phase. I miss him. I hope we end up in geographically closer cities. I know that the ideal situation in the short-term would be here for me and NYC for him. But long-term, maybe it's better if we're both in Vancouver. Who the hell knows what he is thinking though? I suspect that I'm more than a long distance booty call but I have been wrong in the past.

He's back from Morocco at the end of October. In the meantime, I have some decisions to make about work.

Calling bullshit

I am so sick of the crap going around of the office that I am officially done with it. If I can't leave the company for public sector, I'm moving back to Vancouver. I have a phone call with my old boss tomorrow afternoon. Before that, I intend to follow up on two local job opportunities. I'm really, truly angry and I haven't felt this way about work in a long time. Close to 10 years, actually. I'm sick of being the one that gets pushed around because other people can't manage their schedules. Or because they're not 100% on this project and have other priorities. I don't feel any loyalty towards the people on this project anymore. And while it will suck for my current supervisor, I'm not exactly getting a lot of support from the seniors in my own group either. I am taking the first opportunity I can get to walk away. I am done crying over this bullshit. Work is not worth the tears.

Ohhhhhh

The new guy and I went out for lunch today. Just the two of us. It was fun. I like him. Yes, yes, red flags danger klaxon sirens! I am stupid. Apparently advanced degrees in science/engineering/management do not qualify you (or just me) to know when a boy likes me. All day I was thinking he was just being friendly. Not so much as of right now. Here is our fb conversation:

New guy 29 September at 13:36
I see you're very pride of your [grad school] connection, LOL!

I think it is funny that you're 12 feet away from me and I am e-mailing you.

Me 29 September at 17:36
You're so silly. You'll have to tell me what you can see now that I have replied to your message. I don't usually fb at work but I can read messages when I get the email notification. See you tomorrow :)

New guy 29 September at 18:02
I can't see anything. If you don't add me, we're in a fight.

Me 29 September at 23:24
Lol you're so full of it Mr Politician! I know that some of my photo albums are publicly available. Anyway, I can totally take you...

New guy 29 September at 23:33
Listen smart ass, NONE of your albums are available. And now we ARE in a fight....you better add me!

Me 29 September at 23:43
Hmm, maybe they're restricted for luddites. Since we are in a fight, I look forward to kicking your ass tomorrow morning. Right after my pumpkin spice latte. I have a mean left hook! Good night [new guy].

New guy 29 September at 23:44 Report
I am going to buy two lattes, one to drink and one to throw on you.

Me 29 September at 23:50
That is a terrible waste of a good latte! Shocking. I'm glad we're not fb friends :p

New guy 29 September at 23:51 Report
I can't believe you won't add me...and after all these weeks of me flirting with you you diss me this hard!

Me 30 September at 00:03
Flirting?! I thought you were just recruiting me to assist you with your plan for world domination. Anyway, didn't I just meet you like last week? I don't let people in just like that, you know. You'll have to work harder. I'm really going to bed now. Pjs on and book in hand.

Here are my photos. Mini-truce?

I feel good

But I didn't know that I would. Duh na na na na na nah! Sorry Mr James Brown :)

Really, this coming home from work and not doing anything is really awesome! This evening, after I got home from belly dance class, I poured myself a glass of "milk" (it's actually that Oat Dream stuff that sucks) and thought, "huh, I don't have to do anything now!" Yeah, that was a pretty good feeling.

On Sunday, I went camera shopping with Piglet's dad and it was fun. Although my brain is now officially overwhelmed with apertures and f-stops and shutter speeds and ISO. I have got some learning to do. I'm leaning towards the D90 but haven't totally ruled out the T1i because it's smaller. I prefer having all the manual controls at my fingertips though which is why I'm willing to risk wrist strain (say that out loud three times) for convenience.

Now, I know there is at least one photographer reading this. Anyone care to weigh in? It's a graduation gift from my parents so I'm hoping that they will also spring for an 18-200 mm lens, a wideangle lens (yeah it's a lot to ask for) and accessories like a bag and a bigger SD card.

Is it Friday yet??

I am not loving this whole working 5 days a week thing. I handed my thesis in for binding today and I am thoroughly relieved about that. I also hate my job right now so I applied for a better one this morning, which coincidentally is in the same building as the graduate school. Completely unrelated though.

I have a few plans this weekend so that's nice. Nothing tomorrow night, but I have no doubt that will change. Or, if not, I can entertain myself at home by scrubbing floors and dusting and vacuuming. Saturday morning pilates and run. Saturday afternoon newspaper. Saturday evening drinks and dessert at a friend's place. Sunday afternoon D-SLR window-shopping (did I mention that my parents offered to buy me one as a graduation gift? Yay me :) with Piglet and parents. I haven't seen them for ages. Then I think I might be having dinner with A's parents on Sunday night. I hope so because I haven't seen them - or been fed by her mother - for some time.

Other than having to go to work every day, this thesis-free lifestyle suits me just fine.

Oh yeah, new guy update: he set off my gay-dar today when he was telling me about his great blue pin-striped suit. Douchebag's jealousy could very well be misplaced.

Stuck in my sports bra again

Hey, why does the gym have to be such stinkin' hard work? Don't get me wrong, when I do failure sets on the pull-up machine thingy, it feels pretty damn good. But man, I am just too exhausted by the time I have walked home (carrying my gym bag and the laptop and a bag of groceries) to pull my sports bra up over my head. I'm going to invent some sort of alternative. I envision that it will have cups which somehow fasten over your shoulders and then sorta down around your hips or something. Wait, have I just created the Borat bathing suit? Ew. Never mind. I better go back to the couch before I actually hurt myself.

Oh ya, there's one other thing. There's this new guy at work who is totally friendly and cute and personable and well-dressed and comes to visit me every day (okay he doesn't have to go far because he's in the office across the aisle). However, I totally have a crush on him. Yes, I realize this means he is probably a gigantic jerk but whatever. I can still have a crush, right? Right. So check out this email that douchebag sent me today, subject was "FYI"...

I went to lunch with L, V, and that new guy from your floor. So we were all talking and he said something about how he loves seeing you in the morning because you are so ‘gorgeous’ or some crap like that. I was totally about to pop him one for saying it. What a jerk eh?! I can’t believe he’d say that. LOL..

Okay – I am kind of jealous – but felt like telling you anyway.

PS. All of that [confidential work stuff] crap flared up and went down. And who said ‘it was nothing’ about a month ago? You did – and then I did..and now I get to look like a mr. schmarty pants. Thanks.

Two things which totally crack me up: First, I can't believe he's sucking up to me now. And two, how crazy that he's calling this new guy a jerk?

You know what I think is cute though? The new guy came to see me after lunch and told me that some people were talking about me, specifically my fabulous taste in shoes. Le sigh... Now, everyone knows that I have great shoes but few people know that the way to this woman's heart is through her shoes. Major brownie points for new guy. I look forward to an exciting (short-term) future of harmless office flirtation.

Productive weekend

I had a really good weekend. By the time 5 pm rolled around on Friday, I had zero plans and a full weekend of nothing ahead of me. I purposely didn't schedule anything because my life has felt so overscheduled and crazy busy recently. I just wanted some me time. Time at home to unwind and rest and settle down to yet another fall in this city.

My token male grad student friend (who happens to also be gay) ended up inviting me over for a BBQ just before I left the office and it ended up being a truly entertaining evening. How come gay men are so much more interesting to talk to than straight men? Also, his friends are super cute so that didn't hurt either.

On Saturday I literally lay on the couch all day and watched TV. I did leave the house twice. Once to visit with my septuagenarian friends who left for India today and may not return to Canada. The second time to pick up the paper.

Today, I met my belly dance teacher for brunch and did a bit of shopping on Queen Street. There are a ton of sales on right now, I guess in preparation for Christmas inventory. I bought three serving platters from Urban Barn and then went next door to a furniture store and bought a stool which I have been searching for for ages.


It looks like this but is standard chair height. My dining table is small so I wanted something I could stow under it and just pull out when I have an extra person over.

Speaking of which, MFV is coming to visit in two weeks on his way to Morocco. I'm nervous and excited to see him after 3 years and worried that my expectations (which I can't quite seem to define, even in my head) are too high.

And, for good measure, an update on my Shawshank list:

1. Read the paper -- check!
2. Make dim sum
3. Go to the gym -- check!
4. Go to the library -- check!
5. Go to my favourite restaurant in Little Italy
6. Clean apartment -- check!
7. Purge stuff in "office"
8. Sell microwave
9. Sell U2 tickets -- check!
10. Go to the movies (at least two)
11. Start watching Entourage
12. Lie on the grass - it's getting too cold for this :(
13. Look into fall classes (culinary, photography, Italian)
14. Watch documentaries and nap -- check!
15. Take new drug plan info to pharmacy (yes, boring but it needs to be done)

U2

Without a doubt the best concert I have ever been to.

Honey, I'm home!

Mexico was stinkin' HOT! It took me a couple of days on the beach to stop twitching with anxiety that I wasn't being productive. But I eventually settled in and now I have the tan lines to prove that I was not sitting at my desk for 8 days :) I am planning on writing a bit more but right now I have a lot to do. I have to put on my pjs, bake some brownies, lie on the couch, watch me some TV and then eat said brownies with a tall glass of cold (lactose-free) milk. As you can see, I have a very busy evening ahead of me.

1 more sleep!

Mexico tomorrow :) Yay sun, sand, surf and tequila. My plans include reading, napping, eating, drinking, going in the ocean and possibly trips to Playa del Carmen and Cozumel. Maybe some snorkeling if I don't get scared off by a school of fish. I still have to pack and tidy the house and take out garbage. I just need to write down that I had the most awesome day today. I went to the gym for pilates class and a run (check those off the Shawshank list), then spent the rest of the afternoon at the Toronto Island Marina on a boat drinking and eating and meeting new people. So relaxing. Also, I had a puff of a j and then a hit off a plastic water bottle bong with Pink Dress so that's a new one for our friendship. The funny part is that we were hanging out with 50+ year olds and the bong was a gift from a 16-year old grandchild! I want to be that kind of grandma. Okay, must pack and such before bed. If you hear horror stories about four female Canadian grad students getting kidnapped, murdered and chopped into tiny pieces... well I guess that will out me!

I need some advice

I had dinner with Pink Dress today and her car died when she arrived at my place. She phoned her mechanic and invited him to dinner with us. This is the same guy that called me chubby and blonde last October.

I thought I could pretend to be fine for a couple of hours but I don't think I can ever spend time with both of them together again. I'm still really hurt by what he said and he set me back light years with those comments. I know that he means nothing to me and I should just discard his opinion but I just can't get his words out of my head. I was so self-conscious of everything I ate at dinner tonight that I couldn't finish my meal.

I'm not sure if I should tell Pink Dress that I don't ever want to see him again or just forget it. The worst part is that she seems to think that he has a thing for me and there is no way in hell that I can purposely spend time with someone whose mere presence reinforces my neuroses about my low self-esteem and weight and food issues. Am I being insane?

Update: Grey, our mutual friend and MFV all told me I should tell her so I just sent her this email.

Okay, I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to come right out with it.

I know the mechanic is your good friend but I can't hang out with him again. When you said you had invited him to dinner, I thought I would be fine with it but it turns out I'm still not over him calling me chubby and blonde last October. I realize these are my neuroses and he probably had no idea that he would touch on such a sensitive issue. I'm sorry, I know he's good to you. But I really have to assert myself on this one. I was really uncomfortable last night and that makes me unhappy because I was looking forward to catching up with you. Do-over on Saturday?

Quiet time

I took a sick day today. I'm sure, if you read my previous post, you are unsurprised. But I feel much better for having stayed home not doing anything all day except wonder whether my landlady has been paying for cable for 3 years which I have not been getting. I digress. I had a very quiet day. I worked for a bit in the morning but had to go back to bed. I was sitting here at my desk with the heater on, wrapped in a blanket, shivering. Serves me right, I know. But I woke up in the afternoon carrying around a heavy lethargy. I slowly started feeling normal in the evening, even lonely and pathetic for missing my thesis, and I hope this will be the end of the thesis defense exhaustion. I don't know, maybe it will take a bit longer.

Did I mention already that I'm going to Mexico for a week on Sunday? Oh yes, lithe 25-year old bikini bodies. I'm also concerned about spending that much time with people. I'm used to being alone. I'm used to making autonomous decisions and then changing my mind and nobody being the wiser. I hope it will be a fun, relaxing girls trip. And, most of all, I hope I don't return wishing that I had booked a solo trip to Jamaica.

I drunk

Thursday, bubbles, weed and sex.
Friday, bubbles and fondue and Crown and ginger.
Saturday, red wine.
Sunday, tea.
Monday, sangria, blow job (free, with whipped cream, look ma no hands!), beer.
Tuesday...

Couch to 5K - Item 3 on the Shawshank List

I went to the gym today. It's on my bucket list (which is actually more of a Shawshank list) and I decided I needed some motivation so I Googled Couch to 5K and found Carli's website with some running playlists. I downloaded Week 1 and it is really great. It helped me get to the gym, kept me on the treadmill and I was actually disappointed when it was over! I am not exactly new to running but I have neglected the gym for the past two months. I just figured that, if I had enough energy to work out, I should be working on my thesis instead, right? Anyway, it felt good to go back to the gym and the workout was pretty straightforward. I won't say it was easy but it wasn't too challenging and I'm looking forward to going to the gym for the rest of this week.

This is not entirely an altruistic goal. I'm going to Mexico for a week next Sunday and the thought of standing next to 20-something-year old bikini clad bodies is excruciatingly intimidating. Now that I find myself in my 30s, I definitely have better self-esteem and that translates into better body image. I have some problem areas which I never had in my 20s but gravity and stress and age have taken their toll. So I'm working on the abs, the shoulders and triceps and overall cardio this week.

The hard part will be to eat better. I went out for Indian in Yorkville last night and ended up painfully full. I walked home but was still uncomfortable after the chilly evening half-hour walk. Then, this afternoon, I had high tea (again in Yorkville, my credit cards are weeping) and walked home again. I no longer stuff myself at tea because of my egg allergy but I did inhale a lot of cream and scones. God, so yummy. It was a party in my mouth this weekend. (Friday night was bubbles and fondue with the grad students followed by a tiny bit of bar hopping in Little Italy).

The final part of the plan is to run a 5K in November at the end of the 9 week program. Ontario is going to be mighty chilly at that time of year so maybe I should look for a run in Vancouver. Or the Caribbean somewhere :) I haven't fully thought that through yet but I will have a lot more free brain power now that the thesis is done.

Here is the rest of my Shawshank list:

1. Read the paper
2. Make dim sum
3. Go to the gym -- check!
4. Go to the library
5. Go to my favourite restaurant in Little Italy
6. Clean apartment -- check!
7. Purge stuff in "office"
8. Sell microwave
9. Sell U2 tickets
10. Go to the movies (at least two)
11. Start watching Entourage
12. Lie on the grass - it's getting too cold for this :(
13. Look into fall classes (culinary, photography, Italian)
14. Watch documentaries and nap
15. Take new drug plan info to pharmacy (yes, boring but it needs to be done)

DONE!

I'm done! DONE! DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE! Yay :)

God, it is such a good feeling. I am so relieved it's over. And it went surprisingly well. To be honest (because I can do that here), I am really impressed at myself for doing such a good job with the presentation and the questions. It felt as though they went on and on forever but actually it was short at an hour and 15 minutes. I got a lot of compliments on the quality of my work and my thesis document itself. The former chair of the program (who is a silver fox hottie with a wonderful exotic accent) said that he really liked what I had done and was happy. When I left the room for their deliberations, he said to me, "you can relax now". Le sigh. I think I am in love with that man. Anyway, many compliments later, they nominated me for the Governor General's Gold medal award. Nobody from my program has ever won it because it's tough to publish in science but it felt good to even get the nomination and it will look rather nice on my CV :)

Grey was good enough to come pick me up after I had a few celebratory drinks. At one point, just as we were getting into bed, I was lying there thinking, "what if I just dreamed all of this and I have to defend it all over again!" Momentary panic. I imagine I will have more days of waking up and thinking those thoughts.

For now, back to bed for a nap. This afternoon, I have a big pile of library books to return. And this evening, more drinks with bubbles :)

Congratulations me!

D-Day

It is D-day. One more sleep and then I will wake up and do the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I know it will be hard because this is my life we're talking about. One more sleep with my thesis and the whole thing will (hopefully) be over. Although... there is a guy in my program who defended today and did such a stellar (sarcastic) job that he has to re-defend in 2 months. Apparently this "university" just will not let anyone fail! Yay for that. This time tomorrow I plan to be drizzunk and/or asleep. One Master's thesis defense coming right up.

And this is why I heart him

From: Me
Sent: August-20-09 7:21 PM
To: Grey
Subject: Are you in town?

This storm is insane. There's a tornado watch for the City of Toronto right now and one touched down at Vaughan Mills. I'm trapped at school in the graduate office because I didn't get out of here in time. The thunder is loud and I'm scared. Hold my hand? ;)


From: Grey
Date: Thu, Aug 20, 2009 at 7:22 PM
Subject: RE: Are you in town?
To: Me

Yes its insane!! Quite the view from the apt. Please consider your hand held :)

Grey | His crazy executive job title
Where he works
His email address

Angry

I'm really angry. My primary thesis supervisor is AWOL and I had planned to do a run-through this week with my co-supervisor. And the two places that listed yesterday which I was going to see with my realtor this afternoon sold. WTF? I hate everything right now. I realize it is a lethal combination of stress and PMS but I'm angry. I'm throwing a mental temper tantrum people. Silently while I sit here in the graduate student office. I'm like a little invisible fire-breathing dragon witch with smoke and steam coming out of all the orifices in my head.

It's funny because it's true

Including myself. I'm a cold-hearted bitch.

The Art of Staying Down by City Girl

Got this from Imerika and had to repost it here.

http://citygirlblogs.com/2009/05/19/the-art-of-staying-down-aka-my-oral-sex-musings/

Grey is good. Doesn't happen often but that's fine. I know he likes it so that's good enough for me :)

Douchebag ego boost

I talked to Douchebag on the phone this morning. He is sick so I didn't go downstairs for a visit. He sounds like death and should probably quit smoking, at least until his disgusto respiratory tract infection goes away. At the end of our conversation, he asked how my date was on Friday night. For the record, I did not tell him I had a date. He had asked if I was coming for drinks after work and I said I already had plans. I never go to those things anyway because I'm on a different floor and never get invited. Anyway, today when he asked how my date was, I said, "it was good". I don't think he expected me to actually have a date on Friday night. He was fishing. So I took the bait. He got all huffy and I could hear the frustration and jealousy oozing out of his infectious H1N1 voice. He said he was very happy for me. Muahahah.

Defense T minus 11

Defense is on August 27 at 2 pm. I am starting to feel overwhelmed and stressed and anxious. Really, the thing that worries me most is the unpredictability of questions. Everything else will be okay provided I spend every spare second of every day between now and then preparing thoroughly. I have to finish my presentation before Thursday which is when I will be doing a run-through with my supervisors. Then I have another week to think of and prepare answers to questions. Basically, anything I wrote in 150+ pages is up for debate. I'm scared.

I took yesterday off to decompress with the other grad students. We had brunch at Watermark in the Harbourfront Centre and ended up at the beach at Ward Island which was actually not completely disgusting. We may go back in two weekends when we're done with our defenses. In the evening, we ordered pizza and had a drink and bitched and moaned and complained about school and thesis supervisors. It was fun and I might even miss these girls when we're done. I probably won't see them again after convocation.

Meanwhile, Grey went here last night. http://www.wickedclub.com/

I don't know how much more of his crap I can take. I know that I have been saying that for the last year and a half but I'm starting to feel used and abused. Underappreciated and taken advantage of. It's wearing me down slowly. Well, maybe when the thesis is over, I will welcome the drama back into my life.

Speaking of drama, MFV might come visit at the end of September on his way to Morocco. While I want to go with him to Morocco, I'm not sure if our friendship can stand this test of real life exposure. I haven't seen him in 3 years. I don't know if he knows what he wants from me but I'm tired of guys flip flopping between wanting to be with me and not wanting to be with me. Don't I deserve to be with a man who knows what he wants? I guess I will wait to worry about him until I see a flight number.

Also, that place I didn't make an offer on? It sold for more than $30K above asking. It appears I can't actually afford to buy the type of place I want in this godforsaken city. It has been a bad news day all around.

Grey is strange

I had dinner yesterday in Maple with Grey, his former admin assistant who is on mat leave, her husband and their two kids in their giant house with 4 bedrooms. She is a ducking phenomenal cook so it was totally worth it. Hamburgers from scratch to die for, mashed potatoes with sweet potatoes and his mother makes dried sausages from scratch as well. Nothing I ate last night was not excellent.

And it was so cute and cozy and domestic with the kids. I helped their 4-year old daughter, play with her Playdough which was totally fun once she warmed up to me. And their 3 month old... well, who doesn't love 3 month old babies with BIG.BLUE.EYES who giggle at you?

So, we're sitting around and Grey is saying how adorable they are and how they have this beautiful house and stuff. Then he says, "I want one". So I say, "what? a huge house?" And he says, "no, a kid". So I said, "well don't look at me!" Everyone laughed and Martha said that she keeps telling Grey he should just marry me. I almost ran out of the house screaming. Could you imagine? Me and Grey trapped in a huge house in Maple with kids. Holy mother of God. It's a good thing I was two glasses of red wine in by then.

Anyway, we left at 11 because he supposedly had another date. Which he told me about before he invited me to dinner with them so that was fine. Martha rolled her eyes at him when he said it before we left and asked me why I put up with his crap. That may be one of the great mysteries of the Universe. Like subatomic particles and the dimensions of time.

But this is when it started to get weird. He held my hand in the car. He hates holding my hand unless we're sleeping. There was one time I tried to hold his hand in public and he yelled at me. Weirdo nutjob. And then, when I got out of the car and said, "so call me if she doesn't put out" (I was trying to be funny and it worked), he said, "well don't go thinking now that if I don't call you I'm having sex with someone else". Weird right? Why would he tell me he is going to meet someone else and then worry about what I think he's doing? It makes no sense to me.

Boys are strange.

Nothing weekend

I have nothing to blog about so I'm going to blog about nothing.

This weekend, I did next to nothing. After I handed in my thesis on Friday afternoon, I have no recollection of what happened afterward. Oh wait, I do remember. I went to my friend's husband's restaurant on the Danforth and had to leave before 1.30 am because I was so tired. Stinkin' Taste of the Danforth shut down half the street. It's a stupid festival because they hold it during the hottest part of the summer and there is never any shade or seating. Lame.

On Saturday, I looked at some more condos with my realtor and got fed up. Then I went to some open houses with a former coworker and was even more miserable. After that, I had early dinner and a drink with a different former coworker at Kalendar in Little Italy which was the high point of the weekend. I was home, on the couch in my pjs by 8 pm. My friend was supposed to phone me and drag me out salsa dancing but she forgot about me. I'm glad she did.

Sunday, I stayed in bed ignoring the phone until 2 pm when I got up and bought groceries for the first time in several weeks. Then I came home and did nothing.

All in all, I needed the weekend of unproductivity but I made up for it by working late tonight. God, my life without thesis is mundane. Hopefully I will buy a place soon and be able to bitch and moan about being house-poor and a slave to my mortgage.

Today

I did not buy a condo. I am not a homeowner. I still have money in the bank. It's a bit of a relief actually. I was going to put an offer on a place but, by the time I met with my realtor, there were already 5 other registered offers. He asked me what I wanted to do and I said, "a big fat nothing!" What the hell happened to the recession? Sheesh.

Also, I had planned to come home and celebrate not thesising tonight but I'm tired as crap. I really want to watch some Law and Order but my body is finally rebelling against me. I may actually have to go to bed.

Must practice lying

A couple of funny things happened tonight while I was hanging with the septuagenarian crew that I just have to blog about.

First: Indian alcohol advice.

Whiskey then beer: in the clear,
Beer then whiskey: very risky.

Second: I really must practice lying.

The folks etc were hanging out talking and shooting the shit when they got to talking about experimenting with drugs. I was quietly minding my business reading my thesis on the couch when my "aunt" (who is very cool and a wonderful person) turns to me and says, "Ms B, have you ever tried marijuana?"

Holy duck, I almost had an aneurysm! Normally I would not have lied to her but in front of my parents!

So I said, "no! And even if I had, I would lie in front of my parents!"

Frig. I'm not sure my parents were convinced and I couldn't even look at my dad after that for a while. Mind you, he didn't look at me either so I wonder what he has been up to.

Must practice my poker face!

DUCK!

I cannot wait to say "duck you for-ducking-ever thesis!"

I also cannot wait for it to be Friday so that I can get drunk and pass out on my couch before 8 pm.

WAIT! HOLD.THE.PRESSES

That was my 500th post! Frig, it's about sex with Grey. How pathetically lame. And fitting. Argh. Well, happy 501 me :)

Grey is the best lover I have ever had (not that I've had many)

This post is going to be somewhat explicit so skip it if you are a prude*

So, after more than a week of building up to it, I went over to Grey's last night for some lovin'. Now, he's been out of town for some time and we had tentatively planned this "meeting" but there was nothing set in stone. I knew he was coming back in the evening but we hadn't set a time. We just knew we were going to knock some boots together when he got home. It turns out that his flight didn't land until midnight and we were both hungry and, by the time I got to his place after picking up a Double Big Mac (for him),I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. Apparently so did he. So we brushed our teeth and jumped into bed. And then had almost the best sex that we have ever had.

My head was on the verge of exploding just about the entire time. I don't know how long it lasted or when we went to sleep but I slept like the dead last night. Which is unusual, to say the least. I really can't explain it but he did things with his fingertips and his hands and his lips that nobody has ever done to me before. There wasn't really anything different than just regular old vanilla sex. There were no crazy multiple orgasms or funky oral sex or kinky positions. It's not like we could have made a million with a sex tape or anything. But it felt as though my nerves were going to jump out of my skin and run away. You know when you just stop kissing but your noses are close together and your lips are just barely touching? How you just end up with synchronized breathing because everything else feels so good that kissing becomes distracting? Yeah, it was intimate in the best way. It was really something else.

And then of course there was the cuddling and the spooning and the rolling over together which is always so comforting. The only strange thing was that he had a nightmare and woke up yelling something. But otherwise, it was just short of perfection. I don't know why we fit together so well but it makes me not want to waste my time dating anyone else. Especially douche bags at work.

We went for dim sum this morning and we actually talked about stuff which was also unusual. He still wants kids. And I still don't want kids. He is still making jokes about sleeping with other women. Younger women. 20-year olds. Strangely enough, I was feeling super confident this morning so I asked him, "so are they better than me? Because I wouldn't think that younger would necessarily mean better?" And he came right out and said that he isn't sleeping with anyone else. Finally! It only took him 2 years to admit it. It felt pretty good, not because I expect him to be faithful to me. I have never expected that and he knows that. Hell, I haven't exactly been faithful to him. We've never been in a "relationship". But it felt good that my instincts about him are right. That he's just the guy who talks big but won't actually follow through. Also, it's reassuring to know that my last blood work was redundant.

The icing on the cake was my witty repartee on leaving. He asked, "where's my blow job?" "In the same place as my orgasm". I left him laughing his ass off.


*You know who you are. No nasty comments please.

Douchebag redux

He called tonight, after sending 8 nonsensical drunk texts, and wants to date me again.

For those of you not keeping up or new to the blog, look for any posts since May with the word "disaster" in it.

I don't know how many times I have to say no to this guy. The thing is, I know that he only wants to hit it because I keep saying no to him. The second I let him back in, he'll be gone again. I'm not one of those women who is naive enough to believe that men change.

We talked for an hour. Because we have an important meeting at work on Wednesday and I need for everything to be fine. It took a lot of time away from my thesising and I didn't want him to know how much his text message hurt me. But I did end up telling him that I was angry about his decision that I wasn't good enough for a relationship but that he'd be happy to do me anytime.

Fucking guys. Always know how to make me feel like I'm less than nothing. Good thing I'm seeing Grey tomorrow night. He'll remind me that I am actually worthless.

End in sight

This is it. The last weekend of thesis writing! Well, maybe not ever because I'm sure I will have corrections after the defense. But it's the last weekend of thesis writing for a month! Yay :) Also, my parents are in town, despite my urging them not to come until October, so it's a good way to avoid hanging out with them.

I saw a place that I liked enough on Thursday to consider making an offer. So I might do that on Wednesday. How crazy a week would that be? Submit my thesis and buy a condo in the same week? I guess I'm going to have to get seriously drizzunk next weekend.

For now, back to denitrification (shudder). No wait, first I'm going to have brunch at the new Cora's near my place. Bagel with lox, here I come!

Brought to you by the letter D

D is for disaster, Darren* and dope. Dumbass and dickweed and dumbhead also.

You like my little rhyme :)

Anyways.... I was in his shiny new office this afternoon. Ooh preamble to story. Yesterday or the day before, I went by his shiny new office with windows and a door and he was complaining how cavernous and lonely it was so I sniped at him, "oh excuse me I only have to share a cave-icle with junior staff!" and walked away.

So today, I was sitting in his shiny new office talking about actual work stuff. I think he doesn't like when I come to see him because I always give him a list of things to do. At least I friggin' have the courtesy of going downstairs to see him in person when I want/need something unlike him. He just drops an email. Jerkwad. Anyway, when he saw that I got to what he thought was the penultimate item on my list (shortly after he flicked an elastic at me), he cupped his hands around his mouth and said, "can I buy you dinner some time?"

I said, "no, we're done, thank you very much" and walked out of there. He tried to stop me by saying that I had one more item but that was for blondie and I had just forgotten to check off the box. Friggin idiot. I looked HOT today. So hot that some random woman stopped me on Yonge Street to tell me.

"Girl, nice shoes!" I said thanks but secretly wondered if this was your crazy religious woman freak who tries to convert people via clothing compliments. But no, she was genuine crazy. After I told her they were on sale at Sterling, she proceeded to tell me that she couldn't pull them off because she doesn't have nice calves. "But girl, you have good calves. Those shoes make them look all long and straight and.... mmm you look good! Did you used to be a dancer? Yeah honey I can tell!"

That's how good I looked. So I guess I can't truly fault him for being sucked into my awesomeness. He is a very weak man, after all.

I sent him this email when I left work. He probably won't get it for a few days.

I deleted your phone number but this is a little too long for a text anyway.

Please don't ever ask me out to dinner at the office again. You have made it very clear to me that you only want one thing from me and your offer of dinner is so transparent that even I can see it for what it really is.

Flirt with me all you want while we're at work but at least let me believe that you are attracted to me for my brain/personality/professionalism/incredible organizational skills and not just my body.

What's that Sheryl Crow song? "Lie to me, I promise I'll believe..." I think I at least deserve that much.

End ridiculously long boy rant.

*Names and faces have been obscured to protect my paycheque.

My head hurts

I handed in the second draft of my schmesis this morning so I took tonight off and saw Angels & Demons. I really enjoyed it but now I'm feeling a bit guilty for not doing any work. I suck. I'm going to see a dentist on Thursday afternoon because I have started grinding my teeth. It's getting so bad that my ears hurt. Usually it's my left shoulder so this teeth this is really new. I might try to book a massage this week as well. Sigh. I need someone to come over and rub my face.

Overworked and unpaid

I want to kill myself. It will all be over soon and I can see the end of it but I don't want to do this anymore. The thing that surprises me most about this period in my life is how little support I seem to be getting from my friends. Maybe I should just ask for help but I have never been very good at that. I just figured that somebody would say, "hey can I bring you some dinner?" or "do you want me to help you run some errands?" but no. Not a single offer of help. Well, that's not true. One of my friends offered to read it but she did an arts degree and MBA so I doubt the damn thing would make any sense to her. I did ask a former coworker to check over my data for me but she said no. I was pretty surprised about that. I guess if you've never done it you have no idea how insane it really is. This is by far the most work I have ever done in my life. I don't think I have ever been this stressed and I have done some things. I know that I'm alone in the Universe so I don't expect to be taken care of. But I'm surprised that nobody has even though to offer some support. So no, I'm not asking anyone for help. I feel very lonely and isolated right now.

What the...?

My body is demonstrating signs of stress in one very unusual place. I need some chamomile tea. For my navel piercing. Has anyone experienced this before? Ugh. I need sleep and a vacation. It's time to start the defense countdown. 32 days til I'm freeee.

The Bucket List (only it's not a bucket, it's more like a Shawshank)

I wrote a facebook note today. Here it is:

Okay girls, it's time. It's time to make the list of things to do after the defense is over. And I'm talking serious things that you can check off the list not crap like "go on a safari" or "learn a language".

Here goes...

1. Go to a movie. Two movies even. At the drive-in!
2. Start watching Entourage. One season per weekend.
3. Buy a condo
4. Lie on the grass all afternoon.
5. Mop the floors
6. Go to the beach and worry if I'm wearing enough sunscreen
7. Pilates class. Oh how I miss you pilates class.
8. Dump my filing cabinet in the recycling, alphabetized tabs and all!
9. Dance. In public. Preferably after getting dressed up and hammered on random shots
10. Spa day: massage, mani, pedi and some waxing which y'all don't really need to know about
11. Take a class (yes I'm serious) not for credit (I'm thinking photography or culinary arts at GBC)

Your turn.

One of my fellow grad studentettes* replied with this:

I'm too lazy/brain too fried to make my own list right now so I'll just steal/elaborate on yours lol

1. Go to drive in with EB. Also rent and watch Twilight.
2. Watch rest of Lost seasons, Season 1 of The Wire (Xmas present, not watched yet) and Madmen (borrowed from Baby Mama in April??) - also not watched
3. Buy a couch... Read more
4. Spend a solid week walking around various neighbourhoods of Toronto I love but have spent no time in this summer. Before winter comes...
5. Clean out closet. Take clothes to Value Village. Replace with new fall "work appropriate" clothes from Buffalo/Niagara.
6. Go somewhere with a beach and someone to make me drinks and sit on ass for week.
7. Start rowing again. This may wait til spring.
8. Burn all thesis files on computer to disk, delete from computer, make computer run faster. Shred printed work and papers.
9 and 10. Yes please.
11. Sign up for train conducting school? Also at GBC

*Some details changed to protect our identities.

Waxing philosophical/thesis procrastination

What if getting married and having kids and grandkids is the only really meaningful thing we can do in life and I'm missing out on all of that because I'm too scared and/or selfish?

What if I didn't learn that because my parents didn't understand it and couldn't pass it on?

I don't want to have children. I'm too selfish. I like shoes and silence and space.

I need a drink.

Jolt

I know I don't normally blog in the morning but I had to write this down. I woke up with a jolt about 20 minutes ago thinking, "what day is it today? I know I have to be somewhere but where?" After a moment, I remembered that I don't have to be anywhere but the girls are coming over in half an hour or so and we're leaving for Port Elgin. I haven't showered, had breakfast or packed and the house is a disaster. Argh.

I need

A man. Or a butler. Or a nanny. These are the things I would like to do but won't because I feel guilty about not thesising:

1. Clear the 4 cups off my desk and put them in the dishwasher.
2. Clean the bathroom. More specifically the toilet and the shower stall. The floor and the tub can wait.
3. Fold and put away the mountains of laundry in my laundry basket and on the back of the couch.
4. Tidy up the kitchen. Oh those pesky sesame seed bagel crumbs.
5. Mop the floors. The dog was here and he's drippy when watering himself from his water bowl.
6. Vacuum.
7. Buy some groceries so that A's parents don't have to feed me every other night.
8. Take out the recycling.
9. Take out the garbage.
10. Iron. Ah, who am I kidding? I wouldn't do that even if I had an entire month off. I'll just walk around looking wrinkled.

One thing I am looking forward to: going away this weekend with three other grad students. One of the girls has in-laws with a house in Port Elgin. We're taking our laptops, printers and journal articles and the plan is to spend three days working and bitching and moaning and complaining. I hope it doesn't fall through because I really need a change of scene and to get out of this stinky city.

Oh wait, that's not the stench of piles of garbage on the street because of the strike. That's the whiff of BS coming off my thesis. We don't call it thesis feces for nothing!

Excruciating

Last night, I dreamed that I tried to set myself on fire. I think this thesis thing is making me insane.

My fb status update today was:

thesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesiskillmethesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesis
thesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesi
sthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthes
isthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthe
sisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesisthesis

This just sucks. Grad school. Thesis. Late nights. Tuition fees. Journal articles. Search boxes. Ref Works. Inter-library loan. Burning eyes. Sore neck. Tense shoulder. Aching back. No new shoes. Missed movies. Canceled plans. Tears on the page. Bruises from banging a highlighter on my forehead in the hopes of speeding up the process. Someone shoot me with an elephant tranquilizer so I never have to wake up.

Withdrawal

I have puppy love withdrawal. I missed him before I even left. We spent the day with my buddy and his mom's dog and it wiped us all out. I was sad to come home tonight. I got all misty in the car. Okay, I'm lying. I cried. Gah.

My first husband

I left the dog with the other wheatens today and went with my friend to have dinner with her brother and his girlfriend at Fionn McCool's on the Esplanade. While there, my friend struck up a conversation with an Irish man at the next table. At the end of the night, just as we were leaving to get the dogs, he announced to his table of friends that I was his second wife. I just didn't know it yet. It was funny. He is a 54 year old detective in the "interesting" and busiest part of Toronto. I have nothing in common with him. In fact, my friend and he had much more in common: a love of Irish history, music and trivia. But it was nice to have an older man tell me that I am lovely :)

More puppy crap

We walked and played a lot today. Slinky came by to play too. We went to the park and threw the ball around and almost played with the other dogs. There were a lot more dogs today than there were yesterday. And then we walked to the grocery store and Slinky bought dinner and then we came home and she cooked me dinner! It was great. Puppy is finally tired so I think I'm doing something right. Although he has been very poopy the last couple of days. I'm not sure if it's all the twigs he has been chewing on in the park. Even when I throw his ball, he goes running for it but then finds a branch and pounces on that instead. At least he's having fun. I feel bad that he's so matted and dirty. I'm tempted to take him to the groomer so that we don't have to deal with his scruffiness and smelliness for the next three days. But that stuff is not cheap. Anyway, it's so great to see big good looking men with cute little dogs. There was one guy with a tiny little boxer puppy. Man, was she ever cute. She had his eyes :)

Tired puppy

I am one tired puppy! The dog seems pretty tired too. I took him to the off-leash area in Allen Gardens today because he clearly did not get enough exercise yesterday and it's fenced so I felt more comfortable

pee break

Okay the puppy didn't really want to pee. He was just asking for some attention. I get that.

Anyway, I felt more comfortable in the fenced off-leash area at Allen Gardens compared to the off-leash area in his usual park. He got to run around and play with other dogs. I was hoping he would be more tired than he currently is but maybe he's just naturally spazzy. I'm exhausted and would love to go to bed now but I need to let him out again tonight so that I can hopefully sleep in a bit longer tomorrow morning. I think I woke up at 5 am and couldn't go back to sleep.

It was a long and somewhat ridiculous day. D for Disaster coworker guy sent me a kind of douche bag email last Friday. The subject line was "not for internal affairs..." and his email said "are you doing tonight? if you are not interested in going on a date..then maybe we could pivot for each other – divide and conquer."

I want to be friends, or at least have a good relationship, with this guy because we have to work together so closely but he is making it difficult to be professional around him. If I am being honest with myself, I do miss hanging out with him and talking to him a little bit. Anyway, I extended an olive branch and invited him out to walk the dog. He suggested dinner but I ignored that part of his email. Anyway, we texted back and forth a bit and he said he was working late but would come to the park when he was done but I didn't hear from him. So I texted him at 8 pm and said that we were back home and maybe some other night. He was still at work and ended up calling me and we had a conversation about his original douchebag text message.

He apologized for not saying those things to me in person, or at least over the phone and said that he still has mixed feelings towards me. That sometimes he misses me but he doesn't want me to have to deal with those feelings. I told him that, as far as I am concerned, he made his decision and there's nothing further to discuss because I don't want to spend time with someone if he knows it isn't going anywhere. Let's face it, I don't need another Grey in my life. But I said that I would like for us to be friends and that I would be with the dog all week so we could get together some other evening after work. We'll see what happens.

The dog is lying on the couch and looks like he is passed out. It's about time!