Monday, August 4, 2008

3 days too long

I'm home. The smell of my apartment as I walked in the door was very comforting. I think I'm going to shower and then lie on the couch watching CSI for the rest of the night. It was an exhausting weekend. Exhausting because I'm no longer used to navigating the intricacies of a relationship. Exhausting because this particular relationship is unsustainable. Exhausting because it's hard work pretending that everything is fine.

There are so many things about Denis that I don't like:
1. His temper. His response to disagreement is to raise his voice and get in your face. So completely different from my own response.

2. His "passion". To me, his passion is just childish temper so I guess this would be part of the above. He gets so worked up about things over which he has no control but doesn't do anything to mediate his own response to those things. For example, on Friday night we had a huge argument over the top news story. Some guy murdered a kid on a Greyhound bus. Denis started spouting off his conspiracy theories about how the mainstream media is controlled by a select few people with an agenda... and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what his point was. So I lost my temper and yelled back that I didn't appreciate him following me around the kitchen berating me about my opinion before I'd had a chance to fully articulate it. Then I cried. That's when I knew this thing would crash and burn. I think I need to be with someone who just knows to take a deep breath and turn the TV off.

3. He has to be right all the time. I have spent the last 10 years or more learning how to pick my battles. Before, it was more important that X knew I was right than to keep the peace. I learned from him that the truth is not the most important thing in a relationship. So while I spent the majority of the weekend biting my tongue, Denis kept saying things like "see, I told you so" and crowing when he thought I was conceding a point. That really wore me down.

4. His play fighting. Or whatever it really is. Maybe he just underestimates his own strength but he has a tendency to hurt me. Often. He'll pinch or bite or suck too hard. And not just during sex, which would be acceptable occasionally. But when I'm making a cup of tea in the kitchen. Or at the grocery store. When he grabbed my breast with his mouth while we were standing on the dock with his friends, I almost wanted to cry. I have talked to him about how inappropriate that is and how uncomfortable it makes me feel. I've asked him not to hurt me. But it seems to fall on deaf ears. He's like a large puppy that I can't control.

5. His poor listening skills. I'll say one thing and he seems to hear something else. Which is most frustrating when he's criticizing his friends for being fixated on what they're thinking and not listening to him. When his good friend said at lunch today "I don't want to talk about it anymore" and got up from the table, you'd think he would shut up. But no. He was like a bull in a china shop. Not until I said in the car that I was gritting my teeth to prevent myself from saying something I would regret but he was making it very hard for me did he stop talking. It was a very quiet ride home.

Perhaps these are character traits of a normal man but I'm not sure I want to be exposed to all that on an ongoing basis. While the sex and the cuddles and the food are good, the conversation seems to have deteriorated. The chronic also bothers me but I don't feel in a position to ask that he stop smoking it. Or even cut down. I lost count but I think he was up to 5 or 6 joints per day. Shared between friends. But still.

Probably the worst moment, though, was when he said "fuck you" to me when I called him sensitive. He was joking but it really stung.

Grey called on Friday night. It was late and we were getting ready for bed. It really threw me and I found myself thinking about him all weekend. I told him that sex was no longer an option and that I'm a one-man kind of woman. But I don't think he believes me. I'm not sure I believe myself either. He text messaged me again this afternoon while we were sitting in traffic. "Are you back in the city?" "2 hours" "Are we getting together?" "Traffic not good. Will call when I'm home". I had intended to tell him that having sex with him was not what I needed right now but he didn't ask me to come over. Instead he told me he was off this week and invited me to go paddle boarding. I said yes but we didn't decide on a time. I really don't want to see him or talk to him again but I can't bring myself to cut that cord.

I feel lost and confused.


liz said...

there is nothing in your list of complaints that I see as "normal" for a man. in fact, the behavior you discribed seems pretty scary to me. I'd be running pretty damn fast away from that. but thats just me.

Asshat said...

He's a boor. Lose him.

Elusive Butterfly said...

Asshat you're back! Yay :) I missed you.

Asshat said...

Yep, back from bicycle camping and sick of tourtier, pea soup and fries served with every dish. It's nice to stop thinking of how to say everything in French. It is a beautiful country you've got up there, though.