Sleepless

Friggin' can't sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. This is getting ridiculous. Oh well, at least it's still raining.

Lonely Friday night

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm attempting to clean to keep myself busy. I was really tired driving home but, now that I'm back, I'm not sleepy enough to drop straight off into oblivion.

I'm really feeling the loneliness tonight. I'm starting to think that I should get some medical treatment for this. It's not that I had a bad evening. Maybe I'm just tired. I slept poorly again last night. Woke up while it was still dark with cramps and hot flashes. So I got up and changed and went back to bed. I didn't take any drugs because I haven't bought groceries and the fridge is bare. It wasn't until 6.30 am that I realized I had a tub of yoghurt hiding behind the Indian food leftovers from Monday evening. So I got up, had a bowl of yoghurt and bran and took a painkiller. That helped a bit and I think I got another 15 minutes of sleep before I had to be up and off to review some documents for a client.

I did 7 hours of work today. So that's good. It'll pay for some of the impulse shopping I've been doing. And maybe I'll have money leftover for wedding gifts. I came home after work and passed out on the couch. I wish I had enough tv and food to keep me glued to the couch for hours but I woke up and realized I had to go out or go stir crazy.

I had dinner with my ex-coworkers. Same crowd as last week plus the girl with almost the exact same name as me. She's gorgeous though. It was nice. Ran into one of the guys from school at the pub.

I know that Grey is home now. He was out when I called him earlier this evening for a traffic update. A bunch of bikers shut the westbound highway down and I was stuck for over half an hour. I was starving and pissed and the local radio news was short on info. I wish that I didn't have to pass his place on the highway both in and out of downtown. Plus, I added him back on my MSN and now I feel like I know his every move. I wonder if I'll ever get over this feeling. It feels like my heart is infected and my chest cavity is going to buckle and cave in.

To skank or not to skank?

No real news to report tonight.

I read this comment online today. "Sometimes, love doesn’t have to be sweet to be love."

I get to go to work tomorrow. Nothing very exciting but I'm hoping for at least 2 hours of work.

Talked to a guy I met online on the phone this evening. He's a straight hair dresser. He has an 8 year old son. While I don't want to be an instant mother, I'm not comfortable ruling someone out that I've never met. Maybe I'm being naive. He was on his way out so he said he would call back later this evening but I'm getting tired of waiting and will probably go to bed soon. Not his fault that I had nightmares this morning. But still a bad sign.

Presentation went well this afternoon. At least, on my end. My supervisors couldn't figure out what's up with my data either. For once, I don't feel stupid following a meeting with them.

Oh, also I bought the most outrageous top. It was not cheap but it looks pretty damn good. It's low cut in front with a large cowl neck and a racer back behind. The arm openings go down to my waist. I can't wear a bra with it so I bought some double sided tape and that seems to do the trick. I bought it thinking I would probably return it but now I'm debating wearing it to the concert next week. Too obvious? I mean, he already knows what I look like naked.

I still got it

I went to a gala tonight. It was a lot of fun. There's money in that community and it showed tonight. The live auction was insane. There were so many items in the silent auction that it blew my mind. The food was good. I ran into my old boss from 10 years ago. He recognized me but couldn't place me until I told him my name. He was pleased to see me. I didn't like working for him but his reaction to me was gratifying. I gave him my business card.

There was a guy at my table that I will probably never see again. He was rugged good looking. His name was Mike and he works for a land development company. Golf courses. He had a wicked sunburn and his finger nails looked like he does more than his fair share of manual labour. He has a new puppy. A border collie. He has no tan lines on his left ring finger. No wedding ring. He helped me help myself to one of the very large pine cones on the table. He looked at me the same way that Grey looked at me the second time I saw him. The first time that we fooled around. When I cheated on B.

The thing is, I could have asked for his business card. I could have been bold but I wasn't. I just enjoyed the eye contact, the missed glances, the bold stares that I caught out of the corner of my eye. The firm handshake at the end of the night. His friend has my business card. If he wants to find me, he will. But I don't care either way. Because it was just nice to be looked at that way again.

Timely apology

Just got this email from Grey.

Just wanted to say I am sorry, I can be an ass without knowing sometimes,
you are a great gal and should not think any less of yourself because of
the shit that comes out of my mouth.

It makes me feel better. It shouldn't but it does. I have written a reply but haven't sent it yet.

Update
I sent my own Ernestine apology email.

Hey you

Thanks for the apology. I really appreciate it, especially because the drama was my fault. I'm sorry too. I guess I'm not doing a very good job of being more like a man! I overreacted because I was exhausted from too much partying and I just couldn't process everything. I took it personally that you were preoccupied and not interested in sex and my brain just made the leap that you wanted me gone because you had someone else coming over. I was also really freaked out that you suddenly wanted to see my place. I guess I have gotten used to the boundaries we've established and I thought you wanted to change them. And I was scared that you would judge me based on my apartment not being as nice as yours. This is the first place that I have really been able to call home and I feel safe here so I don't want anyone to take that away from me. These are my issues and I don't expect you to deal with them. I know that you're not my boyfriend and you never will be. I hope that I learn from this so that I don't make the same mistakes with the next guy.

I think it's a good thing that I'll be away for most of June. We definitely need a break from each other. The last few weeks, I have felt comfortable enough around you to start opening up and talking about my life but maybe that is a mistake. I really enjoy talking to you and learning from you and, even though we don't have a real relationship, I do enjoy our time together. I know it could end any time and I really do want you to be happy and find love and marriage and kids and all that stuff. The fact that love is missing from my life is a big void which I'm trying to fill with school and friends. I have a couple of dates this week and I keep hoping that, the more people I meet, the closer I'll get to a real relationship.

Do I still get to come to the concert next week? I promise I'll look good ;)


In conclusion, I still get to go to the concert! Yay :) I could care less about Tom Petty but I can't wait to see a concert from an undisclosed corporate box at the largest venue in the city. Yay!

Misery monster

I'm still miserable. I'm still fighting off tears. I want to go to bed but I'm scared. I think I have a date on Thursday but I don't want to go. I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't want to put myself out there again and again and get hurt again and again. I want someone to hold me at night and reach for my hand when we're walking and look forward to our time together. But I don't want to look for it. I want it to be here now without any of the risk or heartbreak or sacrifice.

Well, it appears that not going to bed has not prevented the crying so I might as well give in to the monster.

Train wreck

I'm not functioning too well right now. I'm exhausted from only getting 3 hours of sleep last night and I didn't really get in a good nap. I had a great day with Grey until he got bored with the sex, practically kicked me out and implied that he had another woman coming over in the evening. Unfortunately for him, he offered to pick me up this morning so he had to drive me home afterwards and our conversation in the car was not productive. To make a long story short, I got upset and explained to him that the reason I didn't want to hear about his other sexual misadventures was because it's too hard on my self-esteem. And he said he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. So I asked him why he continued to insinuate that he was if it wasn't true. And he said I misunderstood his meaning. Maybe I overreacted because I'm so tired. Much other stuff was said but nothing was resolved. It probably doesn't bear dissecting any further. I am not going to contact him this week. I'm not sure if we're still going to the concert together next week. I won't be surprised if he uninvites me. Disappointed and heartbroken, but unsurprised.

Single ladies make some noise

Sometimes, when I'm out with my girlfriends, my phone will ring and I'll say "I wonder who's calling me; all my friends are here." I'm only half joking.

Tonight, I was out with one of my ex-coworkers and a classmate. We were celebrating her 30th with dinner, martinis and dancing. While we were on the dance floor, her purse vibrated so she checked her phone and said the same thing. And it occurred to me that I have quite a number of girlfriends who I didn't realize were girlfriends. There were six of us out tonight and I have worked with five of them. The sixth is in the industry and it is a small, incestuous one. The stuff that went down six years ago at the small company I used to work for is legend. Tonight, the sixth girl was suitably in awe that I was so closely tied to that debauchery. I digress.

I thought I was out with former and current coworkers. But it turns out I was out with girlfriends. I don't think that it's just single girls who gravitate towards me either. Granted, it's hard to be single in your thirties and us single ladies do tend to bond quickly. It's hard work being independent and balancing work and life and still being open to meeting men and finding a relationship. It's a bit anti-feminist to admit that it would be nice to have someone else shoulder the burden once in a while. But there are married women too. I have been invited to bridal showers and weddings and baby showers by women that I didn't think I was that close to. But perhaps those women have fewer female friends so, even though I might be on the periphery, it's an important concentric circle. After all, I was looking forward to high tea this afternoon for weeks, even though I only talk to some of those ladies once every couple of weeks.

So, married, single, mothers, coworkers... it all becomes irrelevant. It's about the female connection. I wasn't planning for this kind of a weekend. That makes this a very good weekend, pending post dim sum Sunday sex with Grey aside. (And, at this rate of sleeplessness, my performance will be distinctly sub par).

Last night, I was out with friends. This afternoon, I was out with friends. This evening, I was out with friends. I'm a lucky girl.

Now I get it

I ran into Grey today. We didn't continue with week 5 of the Friday evening booty calls because it was guy's night tonight. We decided on post dim sum Sunday sex instead.

So tonight I ended up going out with Baby and Delorean and my friend who doesn't like her husband. We had dinner and then were walking to a club when we ran into him walking the other way. I introduced him to everyone and there was a general gasp of breath and smiles all around. It was funny. Also, he didn't look that good. Everyone said he was cute and attractive. And short. I'm taller than him in my kitten heels. He is short, and I obviously find him attractive despite that, but he could have looked better tonight.

He was wearing his camel-coloured old man sport coat and a tacky light brown t-shirt underneath. It said "Come back in a few beers" blah blah. For the first time ever, I looked better than him. And I did look good. I looked great. Now I get why women feel great when they run into an ex while looking fabulous. Anyway, I won't be giving him a hard time about that jacket anymore. Or guy's night out. Especially when they go together. Although, maybe he was planning to pick up a different type of woman tonight.

And all of that didn't stop me from thinking about him all night, even while I was trying to meet cute men at the club.

Warning

When I was little, I performed Jenny Joseph's poem, "When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple". I won a prize*. I imagine much of the appeal was having the poem recited by a precocious eleven year old in a school uniform.

When I was in my early 20s, I used to say often that I would rather be old and wise than young and stupid. I still feel that way. And I think I'm getting there. Sort of like cheese. Or wine. Or Scotch.

Today, I decided that I will celebrate my 40th birthday this year and for the next 9 years until I actually turn 40. Then I'll pick another great number.

*I also won a prize for Charles Causley's "Colonel Fazackerley Butterworth Toast".

Lab crap

I am finally in the end stages of my big experiment. I learned that the fume hoods in all the labs have a vacuum nozzle to which you can hook up tubing or whatever else turns your crank. I have a large desiccator now so I can wait until all my samples are ready and ship them off to Cornell together. Next step is to research a new GC-FID method to measure acetylene reduction to ethylene.

The nice old man that runs our analytical lab is retiring in two weeks and his replacement is the power trippy guppy that refused to help me last Thursday night because he was teaching. He answered his cell phone though so how busy could he have been? It's not like he was in another building. He was down the hallway from me on the same damn floor. He didn't even offer to come by after class. That guy is going to be a thorn in my side until I'm done. I refuse to pander to his ego. This is not a matter of principle. I have no problems stroking egos when I need something. Especially male egos. It's often the only way to get results. But I can tell this guy won't respond to that so I'm going to be a bitch to him. As long as he's scared enough to stay out of my way, I can figure this stuff out on my own. With help from Baby, her analytical chemistry textbook and the internet.

I really have to work on my presentation and poster for the conference in June. I'm starting to get anxious. It doesn't help that one of my supervisors is away for two weeks.

I realize this is making no sense to anyone but myself so I'll stop. While I'm not quite ready to go back to work, I can't wait for this to be over. I can tell that I am starting to yearn for the office again. The president of the Canadian operation sent out an email today that we won a big contract in the west and I'm anxious to go back and work on it. Do I have to finish this stupid degree?

Good long weekend

I actually ended up having a really good long weekend. I shouldn't have ended it with House. I knew that it would end that way but I hoped deep down that it wouldn't. I won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't watched it yet. But now I can't stop crying. I know it's not real. All the characters are fictitious. I feel silly being this emotional. So why am I still crying?

I saw Grey again on Sunday evening. I emailed him after I got home from the wedding to tell him about the two wedding dresses. He had planned to cook a leg of lamb so I asked him how it was and he invited me over to try it on Sunday night. I don't normally eat lamb. Because they're cute and cuddly, not because I have ethical concerns. But I wanted to try his lamb because I do enjoy his cooking. It was pretty good but not good enough to make up for the cuteness factor. I don't think I'll be eating lamb again any time soon.

And we had the same kind of night as Friday. Dinner, movie (PS I Love You - terrible) and tv (PGA Tour - I passed out, which is the only reason I watch golf), cuddles, sleep. But no sex. He kicked me out this morning but I could tell he felt a bit guilty about it. Well, he didn't kick me out but I could tell he was anxious to get to work. I could see his brain click into gear at about 10.30 and he was too preoccupied to enjoy sex. That made me a bit sad. I shouldn't expect him to put me before work but it was hard not to take that as a hit to my self-esteem. His job makes him an asshole and it doesn't even make him happy. I don't want to think about why he continues to do it. He worked all day today so he didn't join me for Chinese food for dinner.

I went out for bubble tea afterwards with the Usual Suspects and they were all happy to get the "gifts" he sent. Okay, he didn't send them. I took one for Baby and one for Delorean but he loaded me up with enough for everyone else. I would say what the "gifts" were but that would blow his cover. Anyway, it was nice to have plans on the last day of the long weekend. I saw all of the important friends this weekend. Well, the local ones anyway. I got all my lab work done and feel really good about that. And this is four weekends in a row of seeing Grey and him being nice to me. Twice in one weekend is just gravy on the cake. That's right, gravy. Not icing, unless it's egg-free.

I can tell that something has changed with him but I don't know what that something is. He's talking to me now. Letting me in a tiny bit. And that makes me feel good about myself. It makes me happy. I know I shouldn't hope for more from him. The past 8 months have taught me not to expect more from him. But when he's nice to me, I don't feel as stupid about the time I spend with him. From now on, I will make a conscious effort to not be harsh or critical or judgmental. Sometimes I wish he was a bit more boyfriend material. Tonight, it would have been nice if he had joined us for dinner. But perhaps this is the Universe testing me. To see if I learned my lesson with X. Or is history just destined to repeat itself?

First wedding of the year

Lesson learned tonight: Don't wear Spanx to a Chinese banquet. Also, how come some brides get to wear two wedding dresses? Two! I probably won't even get to wear one. I can understand wanting to wear white and also a traditional outfit but I don't really understand wearing one white dress to the ceremony and a second to the reception. It seems a bit excessive to me but what the hell do I know?

I had a relatively good time this evening but it was a long, drawn out affair. It took almost 5 hours to get from cocktails to cake. I even had far too much to drink but was sober hours before it was time to drive home. The bonbonnieres were good though. Mints and lip balm and hand lotion and "love blooms". I guess you plant the seeds and they bloom. I get the significance but I think it's completely cheesy.

I can't decide how I feel about love and marriage and weddings anymore. Friday evening and this morning with Grey were nice. We watched tv and had dinner and talked and had sex. He let me watch 27 Dresses this morning which was surprisingly funny and cute. Last night, X called me some time after Grey passed out while I was watching Law and Order. He was in Kelowna for the weekend and thought of me. Two years ago to the day, we took our very last road trip to the Okanagan. We hit a whole bunch of wineries and provincial parks. Hiked and sat on the beach and had a really great time. It was nice that he thought of me. I just wish it hadn't been quite so late and I hadn't been sitting next to a sleeping Grey. I couldn't really talk. But it was nice to get the phone call anyway.

Anyway, I need to get my make up off and go to bed. Another long lab day tomorrow. Hopefully the weather cooperates. I could use another rainy day.

Early notification

I'm taking today off. I was at the lab til 11 pm last night and barely remember anything that happened before that. I was going to clean and sort and purge today but I really just want to go back to bed. I'm helping Baby put up her gazebo this afternoon. And Grey already emailed me asking what's up for tonight. I told him to call when he's ready for me. Last week he emailed at 5 pm. I'll take this as "progress". Ha.

Corteo

I'm going to see Cirque in June... in Vancouver! So excited :)

My coworker and I started a tradition of going to see Cirque du Soleil every year, with the obvious exception of last year because I was here. I think there was year that Cirque didn't come to Vancouver but I've lost track of the shows I've seen. Alegria was the first one. Then Quidam and Varekai. I think I have seen Dralion as well. I saw Kooza in Toronto last year and this year's show is Corteo.

Living the dream

"You're afraid to change. You'd rather imagine that you can escape instead of actually try. Because, if you fail, then you've got nothing. So you give up the chance of something real so you can hold onto hope. The thing is, hope is for sissies."

--House, Season 4, episode 15

A glimmer of something

I'm totally procrastinating about going to school right now. I really should go. I want to have results ready for end of day Wednesday so my supervisors can look them over before our meeting on Thursday.

It was a long day at the lab yesterday. Productive, but long. I found myself randomly crying about Grey. I wish he wasn't so screwed up. We had such a good time together this weekend. There were a few moments that he was a bit grumpy but he was also a bit strange. He keeps asking if my parents are coming to visit this summer. And he mentioned that I would be an expensive wife. When I pointed out that his entire outfit was over $1000 whereas mine was under $100, he said that his mom would love me. I hope he doesn't freak out on me again. I'm not sure I can handle another soup incident. I just wish he knew what he wanted so that I could figure it out. While he waffles, I wait in suspense. More fool me, I suppose.

He went to get a hair cut after we had dim sum on Saturday morning. He left me alone at his place with the paper for about an hour and a half. And when he came back, we sat around talking for a while. We've never done that before. It was a bit strange but I really enjoyed just talking to him. I don't want to get my hopes up again. Maybe it's too late, given the random lab crying yesterday. Perhaps it's time to take a break from him. Next weekend is long so maybe I won't see him.

I'm not looking after Charlie anymore. I decided I didn't need the extra responsibility right now. I miss that puppy but it's probably for the best. It's going to be a long week and I will need the time to unwind and the reminder of how much I hate long, extended periods of time to myself.

The Fragility of Female Happiness" by Ron Davison

http://rwrld.blogspot.com/2008/05/fragility-of-female-happiness.html

I just read this and it really resonated with me. I'm not sure if the author reads my blog but, if he does, thanks! When I was little, I remember growing up a little bit every time my perspective on something changed. I don't have those perspective shifting moments as often anymore but I did when I read this.

Maddie is right. So is Bernard. And that is why I'm still single. I don't think it's as much a gender separation as an individual process. I have to work on being Bernard-happy before I can be Maddie-happy. Although, maybe Maddie is right and men are just less evolved than women?

Talk is not cheap

I am too tired to write coherently. The one overriding thing I would like to remember about today is that Grey and I sat around this afternoon and had a conversation. It wasn't anything profound or meaningful. It was just random, casual blah blah blah. We were both high but it was a first for us. I really enjoyed it. I wonder if I should write him an email to let him know that?

"Electronic emboldening and concomitant anonymity"*

I have started to wonder if my blog is too honest. There are things I write here that I would never say in public. Would never sign my name to. Would restrict to the pages of my journal were it not for the internet's anonymity. Perhaps a few too many Sex and the City episodes have lured me into thinking that it's not a big mistake to post the sordid details of my sexual adventures here. (And the same reason I commented to a short man in Tim Horton's that he had a big lens). Certainly if I was outed and my anonymity evaporated, I would delete this entire blog. Perhaps it's time to start archiving for that eventuality. I would hate to lose these words the way I lost those 500+ photos in 2006.

I don't know if I will ever get over the pain and suffering of having my camera stolen in Shanghai. It wasn't about the camera. I was too stupid and tired and lazy and rushed to back up the photos. I knew better. What I wouldn't give to go back to that moment in the shower when I thought "they're just photos". Why do I continue to punish myself this way?

I wonder if I will hear from Grey tomorrow and cancel tentative plans with Baby and Delorean. Probably. I hope I don't hear from him. But, just in case, I'm going to bed now. Even if the Coke-induced caffeine high isn't negated by the effects of fresh pasta made with eggs and a glass of Prosecco, at least I will be in my bed and not in the lab. Ralph Lauren thread count and water pillow, here I come.

*Acknowledgment to E for the title of this entry.

44 hours and counting

Everyone says to treat grad school like a job. But this is the worst job in the world. I'm sleeping in 4 hour increments. I'm going to sleep starving because I don't want to eat at 4 am. I also haven't had time to buy groceries. My garbage cans are all overflowing because I'm not home at a reasonable hour to shove it down the garbage chute. I haven't run the dishwasher in weeks but the dishes are slowly piling up, one cup at a time. I don't think I can handle an entire summer of this. I need to borrow a husband to take care of the blue jobs. Preferably a sugar daddy who can replace the two pairs of jeans I can no longer wear as of yesterday. Both of them have identical holes in the crotch. Holes I made from squatting under the millipore dispenser to refill the carboys, from having to sit at a lab bench which has no knee room, from refusing to wear my stretch jeans because I hate the way they cling to my ass and thighs and cut my digestive tract in half when I'm sitting down. Ick, stretch.

Apparently Tuesdays are also painful

I started my 24 hour experiment today. The centrifuge tubes haven't arrived but my awesome supervisor cut my workload down by about 70% so I'm trying to keep the bitching to a minimum. I spent 15 hours in the lab today and just walked in the door. I have to be back there in 6 hours so I had better go to sleep. I have to collect samples at 8 hours, 16 hours and 24 hours so tomorrow is going to be another long day. I can't decide if I should collect 15 mL in one centrifuge tube and then pipette 5 mL into test tubes as I need it or just collect 5 mL in three centrifuge tubes. Issues include test tube availability and fridge/freezer storage space. I think I'm going to do the latter as I HATE washing glassware. Did I mention that washing glassware is the bane of my graduate experience? I left dirty glassware in the lab tonight. Shocking, I know. I'm just very tired. Dead on my feet, in fact. And my left shoulder is so sore that, as I type this, my head is tipped over so that my right ear is almost touching my right shoulder. I probably look like a freak. Pardon the political incorrectness but one of the new undergrad lab assistants appears to have Tourettes. It's distracting.

Oh yes, I also talked to X today while I was labeling erlenmeyer flasks. We had a pretty good catch-up session. We decided he shouldn't bother inviting me to his wedding given that his ideal situation is that he would invite me and I would decline. I figured they would feel that way. So why waste an invitation and postage? It's just easier this way. No drama, no fuss, no further discussion.

Mondays are painful

Exhausting 11 hour day in the lab. My shoulder is wrapped so tight I could launch a missile off it. This week is going to be rough. I'm hoping to start my 24 hour experiment tomorrow. I'd like to be finished by 6 pm on Wednesday so I can enjoy my Wednesday and Thursday evening catch up sessions with two ladies I haven't seen in months. Priorities! On a mildly positive note, I asked my supervisor if he still thought I could defend this year and he seems to think so. That's a relief and additional source of much-needed motivation. Bed. Now.

Confusing

Grey was nice to me. Really nice to me. The way he was with me back in October before things went horribly awry. I can't figure out what's going on but I'm not going to question him about it. I can accept it. And I'm assuming it won't last. I'm just happy I didn't spent the rest of the day feeling not great about myself.

He called me while I was watching Iron Man with a friend so I ended up going over there for dinner on Friday night. And then, of course, we ended up having sex. I really didn't want to. I don't like having sex right before my period because it makes my cramps worse but he's just so damn irresistible! And now I'm freaked because my period hasn't shown up but I'm in pain and the rest of my body thinks I'm on my period. God, I hate being a girl. In my next life, I'm definitely going to be a man. Anyway, I passed out while we were watching the 11th hour so I'll have to watch it again. He had already seen it but wanted to watch it again. Weird? I think so. We were fast asleep well before midnight.

This morning, I read my book on stable isotopes in bed while he worked out. He showered and came back to bed for a cuddle. I broke my rule again! But he was so clean and damp and soapy smelling and was being so sweet that I just felt compelled to reward his good behaviour. He was even nice at breakfast. He made beans and I said that beans would be better with toast. It turns out he's had bread this whole time but I never saw it because he kept it in the freezer. When he asked how I liked my toast, I said "lightly toasted". He said "whole or cut into pieces." With beans, definitely whole. But I asked him if would have cut my toast into triangles if I had wanted it that way and he said "of course". I'm frankly flabbergasted.

And then, as if that wasn't nice enough to almost make up for all the cranky hungoverness I've had to put up in the past few months, he let me cuddle for two and a half hours while we sat through The Mist. It was The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen Ever. God, two and half hours of my life that would have been awful if I hadn't been squeezed next to him on the couch. It was almost blissful. He even called me "suction cup".

I'm so very satisfied right now.

Unblocked

Also, I unblocked and added X to my MSN today. Why can't I say no to either of these men?

Two pieces of a two-piece puzzle

This evening, Grey called me to talk. We had a great conversation. Mostly about his workaholic tendencies. He said he had a little epiphany. In under 10 minutes. It's not so much that I was brilliant as he actually listened to me for a change. So I wrote him another unsent email.

I know you hate getting these emails from me but I've been thinking about our conversation today. The part when you implied that my thinking that the sun shines out of your ass is not that big a deal. But I beg to differ. A week ago you told me that I was "all that and a bag of chips". (Salt and vinegar, remember?) You may not remember but you also said I was beautiful and intelligent and funny. There are a lot of things you don't know about me. You've never been to my apartment. You've never met my coworkers, or even talked to me about my work. You haven't even begun to scratch the surface with me. You're right that I'm beautiful and intelligent and funny. I am all those things.

I'm also successful as a young woman of visible minority in a male-dominated, Caucasian-dominated field. I am assertive and confident and know how to ask for what I want. I pick my battles and I don't waste time with people who are immature or stupid or conceited. When the world gets hostile and angry, I am evolved enough to look inside myself instead of getting angry and blaming those around me for my misery. I have wonderful friends and that says a lot more for my character than all the things I have just said.

The fact that you're not willing or able to accept my high opinion of you says more about you than it does about me. It says that you're not willing to accept that you're equally as amazing, if not more so, than I am. Why? What are you overcompensating for? Do you work too hard because you think that will make up for your lack of education? Your lack of height? Your imperfect spelling? Are you really a bad person and we're all wrong about you? I don't think so. I think that you use your job to prop up your self-esteem. If you were fired today, who would you be? What are you afraid of? I think you're the cat's pyjamas. You should too.

On October 8, I wrote you a letter. In that letter, I made a list of things I liked about you. I wrote some of those down in your birthday card but I didn't tell you everything. Here it is. If, after reading this list, you still think that you don't deserve to have everything you want in life and more, shoot me for being such an idiot about you.

I write because I will be smarter tomorrow than I am today.

The thyroid ultrasound showed no changes.

I filed my taxes.

I reorganized the closet.

I did three loads of laundry.

I emailed two people that I met online and added a third to my real MSN account.

I spent most of the day with A.

I was the only person at The Great Lab Reorganization who didn't belong and didn't want to be moved around.

It's time to move on. If only I knew how. I'm not ready. Perhaps that's why.