Lovestoned

Last Friday night, Grey and I danced in his living room to the Tiesto remix of JT's Lovestoned and now I can't stop listening to it. He's got me lovestoned and I think that he knows...

Mom arrived today. She behaved herself. Any bets on how long that will last? Plans for this weekend including handing out Halloween candy at Baby and Delorean's house tomorrow night. Out with the mutual friend (me and Grey's) on Saturday night - dare I hope she will introduce me to a new, not-so-eligible bachelor? And then dinner with the mother and in-laws on Sunday night. Monday is my birthday. As much as I wanted to lie on the couch in my pjs watching TV and eating leftover fondue, I guess I had to know that I would never be allowed to do that. So, I'm reluctantly celebrating my First Annual 40th Birthday Bash with my mother, in-laws and three high school friends, including two of the girls from Saturday night. Overkill? I think so.

Those flashing lights come from everywhere
The way they hit her I just stop and stare.

Feeling icky

I don't feel so hot. I'm not sure if it was the glass of red wine (makes me congested), the peppers in my pasta (I just don't like them and wonder if it's my body sending me a message) or the hot fudge sundae from Tom's (which I have eaten many, many times before) but something tonight didn't agree with me.

If I can't write about humiliating experiences here... wait, I don't think I want to remember this particular experience.

Anyway, I'm freezing cold and exhausted and it's early. I'm actually really going to bed right now. I hope I feel better in the morning.

PS The earlier part of today was good. I found more merino wool longjohns at Lululemon. They're calling them wooly tights this year though. I swear by them. Wear them every single day in the winter and couldn't live without them. They're breathable, very warm and light enough to wear under dress pants. I've tried fleece, I've tried cotton but merino wool is where it's at. Go by some if you're north of the 49th parallel. Oh, hem, Toronto is south of that. Yeah, go by some if you're cold like me. I would link to them but they're virtually impossible to find online. So I wrote this feedback to Lululemon.

Dear Lululemon

You are doing yourselves a serious disservice. In 2007 at the Toronto warehouse sale, I bought some bright blue merino wool long johns. Since then I have looked long and hard for another pair because I swear by them. My girlfriends laugh at me but they are my favourite LL product and I wear them almost every day for the entire winter. Finally, I found them in the Eaton Centre store this afternoon. Only this year, you're calling them woolly tights. I don't care what you call them. Please just promote them! I have looked all over my local stores, surfed the entire website and even contacted guest services (or whatever the email feature is called) and nobody could direct me to them. I wanted to link to them on my blog but I couldn't do that because I can't find them! This is a great product. Hell, I would model them for you if you wanted (not that I'm suggesting that's a good idea, I don't exactly have a LL body!).

Blarg

The mechanic never called. Can I delete his number now? Grr.

Oh, hmmm, it occurs to me that I never mentioned the mechanic. Another PoF guy who has been emailing back and forth for a couple of weeks and finally called yesterday. He actually sounded nice on the phone. Disappointing. I hid my profile. I also wrote a mini-rant but it's hidden so nobody will ever see it. It made me feel better though.

Window shopping

Apparently I am a window shopper in matters of the heart as well as the wallet.

The Window Shopper Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLD) Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper. You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come. Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns. Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs. Your exact female opposite: The Stiletto Deliberate Brutal Sex Master Always avoid: The Hornivore (RBSM) Consider: The Gentleman (DGLM), The Loverboy (RGLM), The Boy Next Door (RGLD)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test | OkCupid - personals | Dating

Meh

The date wasn't so bad. Probably would have been smarter if it wasn't punctuated with text messages from Grey. He's young and hyper. He settled down when he started to fade at the end of the evening. Mondays are painful. We had a drink at a pub and then went to a restaurant for dinner. We'll see if he calls. I am pooped so I'm going to lie on the couch. Already in my pjs :)

12.45 AM UPDATE: He texted me this.
Hey, thanks for a good evening and coming out. I thought about our time together and i don't think we are really compatible :-( i do wish you all the best with your search though"

That is the most decent experience I have ever had with online dating. Thank you.

Real update

I think that the bridal shower went really well. The bride had a good time and I think that the guests did too. Toilet paper bride went well and ended with a toilet paper wedding gown fashion show. Delorean's twin sister made herself useful in the kitchen and also won the Groom Trivia game so I hope she's satisfied with that. There were some good gifts. Everyone appreciated the giveaways and the chocolate fondue. We even got to sit down and chat with just immediate family afterward while it poured rain. Unfortunately I didn't get to bring home any purple cupcakes myself. It's probably for the best as I don't need them and they were made with eggs. I just hope I get to see some photos of the things I missed because I was busy in the kitchen for most of the afternoon.

Next up, bachelorette party. I have to tally up final numbers and then call and confirm our reservation. But first, I have to meet a kid for a drink tonight. I call him a kid but he's 27, lives alone and is an engineer working for a major grocery store chain. When I talked to him on the phone, I wasn't able to finish a sentence. We'll see how things go tonight.

I am so very tired. I should go to bed. Maybe I will.

1.47 am update: I'm really going to bed now.

Friggin frosted sprinkled cups of hell

Damn weddings are a pain in the ass. It took 15 hours to make 24 giveways for the bridal shower tomorrow afternoon. First we shopped for cellophane baggies, ribbons, charms, thank you tags, sprinkles, edible metal balls, cupcake holders, eggs, frosting and cupcakes-in -a-box. Thank goodness for Duncan Hines! Then we baked 48 cupcakes. Chocolate and lemon. With cream cheese frosting and purple sprinkles. We assembled the baggies, frosted and sprinkled the cupcakes and beribboned everything. Three of us worked on it all stinkin' evening. Don't get me wrong, it was totally fun to hang out with my girlfriends and their husbands but it was a lot of work. A LOT. The bride had no idea before we got into it how long it would take. I'm exhausted and can barely type but I need to work on the Groom Trivia game for tomorrow. Yay me. Don't ever let me have a wedding of my own!

My uterus is hiding

Yay, I'm home before midnight! There is no more effective birth control than a room full of screaming children. I thought that, if I showed up after 8, most people with kids would have left but I was wrong. They were still there and the kids were cranky and tired. When I walked in the door, I could have sworn there were more children than grown ups. There weren't but it really felt like it. My hostess warned me on the phone which was a good thing otherwise I would have been totally overwhelmed! Fortunately, most of the kids were gone by 9.30. I am very ambivalent about having children. I spent most of my 20s adamantly not wanting one. Then I met someone who made me think that having kids with the right man wouldn't be such a bad thing. Now, I doubt I will meet the right man so the thought of kids is just sheer insanity. Plus, I like my space and my time and my silence. I am a very selfish individual and I'm okay with that. Sadly though, I didn't have the energy or creative juices to carve a pumpkin this year. I thought about carving the company logo in a silent, ironic protest but then I realized I couldn't charge that time and would be "working" for free. Instead I sat on the couch and tried not to let the overwhelming baby-ness show too much on my face.

Nuts

I feel so ashamed of myself. I have to confess to someone that I just ate a teaspoon of nutella right out of the jar. I really wanted some chocolate but not a chocolate bar. I thought about a banana so I would at least get some fruit. But then I said to myself, out loud, because I can, "I can just eat it right out of the jar!" So I did. And damn, it tasted good.

Head.hurts.

My head hurts.

I'm buried under a pile of reports.

I should take them to bed with me tonight because I can barely keep my eyes open.

I really have to pee but I don't want to get up. It's so much harder to bring myself back.

Ugh, can't hold it now that I've thought about it.

I got up. And then I went downstairs to knock on the neighbour's door because their bass was giving me a headache. They didn't answer their door. Even though I knocked 4 times. But the music did get turned off. Weird.

Anyway, back to work. I really don't want this to carry over into tomorrow afternoon. I have my PAP test (yay me) and I had planned to take the afternoon off. Those things always make me feel very fragile.

Sweet

Last night I was in so much pain that I forgot to blog about a most charming story. I was at A's parent's house hanging out with septuagenarians. One couple lives across the street from me and they are highly educated and highly entertaining. At one point, wife said how lucky she was to have someone supportive in her life who encouraged her to do her PhD. Husband responded with "who was that?" and she said "my husband". He said "I did that?!" and they both laughed. Then I said "no it was the other husband" and they went off on a tangent about harems and how he can't remember his compliments anymore because he has too many wives. The moment was sweet and wonderful in it's sincere simplicity. They are my gold standard for old people relationships. If I can't have that, I don't want anything.

On a more positive note, someone sent me a message today on PoF and he used punctuation!

I'm getting up from my desk now. I worked for 10 hours today and my butt is sore.

But before I do that, I have to mention that Grey put up a new profile photo on facebook today and it's outrageously hot. It was all I could do to not comment or text message him. But it makes me want to rip my clothes off and hurl my naked body at him. Wait, I think I used that line about another francophone recently. In the photo, he has his typical "look" on his face. The one that says, "I have no interest in what this person is saying and I would rather be at home sitting on the couch smoking a j but I'm faking politeness because you're not the woman I am currently bending over the back of the couch and I have to pretend to be nice to you." Yes, the man is a jackass. A hot jackass. And I want him. NOW.

Ow

My back is killing me. I can feel my painkillers working every time my uterus contracts. I am definitely not going through childbirth. I wonder if I can get an epidural for my cramps?

I'm swamped and behind on work. I put in almost a full week last week. And considering that Monday was a holiday, that's pretty impressive even for me. Especially if you consider that more than 50% of those hours were billed this weekend. I really have got to stop procrastinating. I had dinner with some septuagenarians this evening which was highly entertaining and informative, as always, but it sucked up 4 hours of my time. Hopefully I can get up early tomorrow morning and put in another 12 hours.

3.36 am update: I yam still awake. My back still hurts but less because I took more drugs. I love prescription painkillers. Except that they make my tummy sore. I yam really going to sleep now.

Better

Emotionally, anyway. I talked to my former Valentine last night when I got into bed and he made me laugh. Physically, I feel like I got hit by a train. Jagermeister is not my friend. Ugh. I need to do some work and then go to a baby warming event. I hope the baby isn't screaming when I get there. I'm hopped up on pain meds as it is and can't take anything for the hangover. Ugh.

The Ugly One

I had a good time tonight. Until some guy called me fat and stupid. He's a friend of a friend and this was the second time I met him. I know I shouldn't care but I wasn't prepared for it and it's hard not to take it personally. Especially because the two other girls I was out with are gorgeous. I'm going to bed. Hopefully I won't actually cry. Much.

Grey's birthday

He spent it golfing. I spent it working, doing wedding crap and getting new tires. Yay new tires! Actually, it's a bit hilarious that I put BFGoodrich Touring tires on my Crapolla but wow do they ever rock! They're quiet and the car handles so nicely now. I almost went for a big drive but I think I'll save that for Sunday. Thank you Costco and Baby. I should really get my own membership. Anyway, $380 later and I'm satisfied. I don't even have to get them retorqued!

Now, I just want to spend the rest of the evening lying on the couch. I can't though. I have to go out. Stinkin' birthday parties. I should get in the shower and wash my hair and shave. I can at least manage that. I thought about stopping at Tom's Dairy Freeze on The Queensway on my way home. A hot fudge sundae would medicate my mood nicely. But I need ice cream like I need a new hole in my head. Sigh, what to wear?

Response to message

I got a message on POF that struck me as odd, and a tiny bit offensive. Perhaps I'm overthinking and the guy is not a total racist. But his first, and only, question was to ask me what my background was. I'm assuming that he was asking about ethnic background and not, say, educational or professional background. I wrote a response but then decided not to send it. I'm not going to reply to him at all. Wait, that's not true. I already asked him if it was important and he said no. I'm not going to reply to the second email. But this is what I wrote.

To be honest, I find the question a bit strange. Most guys just ask for a photo and judge for themselves whether they want to pursue things further.

If you are looking for a woman of specific background, ethnicity, religion, whatever, then you might be better off stating that in your profile. Or, more to the point, if there are certain religions/backgrounds that are not compatible with your own, you might state that too.

If ethnicity, background, religion are not important, why would you lead with that question?

So, I'll leave you with a few hints. I belong to a visible minority. When you look at me, it's pretty obvious which visible minority I belong to. Within that visible minority group, I am "mixed". The reason that I put "mixed" on my PoF profile is that I object to listing my ethnicity on principle but I don't have the option to not list it. I am first and foremost Canadian. I do not speak the language of my parents and am not very religious. Therefore, I think I should be judged on my personality first, and my ethnic background second. Yes, it has everything to do with my looks, which are undoubtedly important. But if looks were that important, online dating sites wouldn't be so successful, would they?

Basically, I'm inclined to think that this guy is an idiot and my instincts are telling me not to respond. I'm going to trust them, for once.

Stuff. And stuff.

The wedding is in 29 days and I'm starting to get a bit stressed. There is still a lot left to do.

Three people messaged me on POF today and none of them were scary looking. One is a swing dancing geek (my old type), another is a cocky computer geek (my post X type) and the third is really cocky but also kinda funny (my Grey type). Probably none will go anywhere but it's nice to make "contact". Ha.

A is still pining away for the loss of her stupid ex-boyfriend. It has been 3 months since they split. I am starting to feel as though she needs to snap out of it and do something. Anything. Go to the gym. Sign up for a photography class. Move out of her apartment. I know that's not terribly sympathetic so I didn't call her back when I got home from Baby's tonight. To be fair (to me), we talked for 45 minutes this afternoon while I was at work. And, to be fair (to her), that's probably the last thing she needs to hear right now. She is probably suffering from depression but I'm not equipped to deal with that. I'm too grumpy and short-tempered to be a good listener right now so I'm going to revert to avoidance, at least until my period starts on Saturday (sorry gents, TMI, I know).

I was going to write something else but I'm too tired. I should just go straight to bed but I won't. I'm going to watch some TV and eat some ice cream. Because that's the kind of single girl I am.

Update. 41 minutes after I finished writing the above paragraph, I have just finished the first draft of a colour coded spreadsheet itemizing all the thing that need to get done in the next 29 days. I feel a mild panic attack coming on.

Yannick Bisson is HAWT

I just saw the new CIBC commercial and had to rewind and start over. In fact, I may have to watch it several times. Yannick Bisson makes me want to rip my clothes off and hurl my naked body at him. Rowr.

There was an ugly wedding-related family politics incident involving one of Delorean's aunts. Apparently she had some issues about which of her three daughters got invited to the bridal shower and why. Not that I had anything to do with the bridal shower guest list. She was extremely rude to me, wouldn't let me finish my sentences and actually hung up on me. Twice. I ended up talking to Grey about it and he reminded me that she's probably one of those insane women who treat strangers like shit because it hasn't occurred to her that she will have to see me in a month at the wedding. He told me to let it just roll off. He was right and he actually made me feel better. It's like a minor miracle or something. Anyway, everything is fine now. I talked to Baby and she talked to the aunt and sorted it all out. I told her that I would no longer be dealing with that part of the family as I'm not equipped to deal with that level of family politics.

In totally unrelated news, it was election day today. Actually, now that I think about it, these two events are not totally unrelated. The election volunteers were rude and stupid too but looked like well-intentioned buffoons compared to raving psycho bitch aunt lady.

Anyway, my riding is not a swing riding and Bob Rae, the former premier of Ontario, is firmly entrenched, thanks, in part, to my vote in the by-election not so long ago. That was in March of this year. According to an online article in Metro News dated tomorrow morning (!), Bob Rae kept his seat today. I chose not to vote Liberal this time around, just to send a message. This was the vote breakdown, according to the CBC.

LIB	Bob Rae	18,535	53.10	Elected
CON	David Gentili	6,423	18.40
NDP	El-Farouk Khaki	5,254	15.05
GRN	Ellen Michelson	4,304	12.33
AAE	Liz White	131	0.38
COM	Johan Boyden	113	0.32
IND	Gerald Derome	91	0.26
ML	Philip Fernandez	56	0.16

I can't believe almost 300 people voted for those other parties. They would be:
Animal Alliance Environment (or Aliens Against Everything or Amphibians Anonymous Entertainment or something)
Communist Party of Canada
Independent
Marxist-Leninist

Anyway, back to Yannick for a little midnight snack.

Doggy style

Well the weekend wasn't a total write off. On Sunday afternoon, I walked my coworker's dogs for 3 hours. That was pretty great. They're both soft-coated Wheaton terriers and well-behaved for the most part. We parked on Lakeshore, walked along the boardwalk, went up the Humber River to Old Mill where we stopped for ice creams (man those dogs love soft serve), came back down to Bloor street and walked over to and through High Park back down to Lakeshore. My hip flexors and hamstrings were shot.

Grey called while we were walking them. I ended up at his place later that evening - after about an hour of hair removal followed by an hour of yoga to get all stretched out - and we had dinner, watched TV, watched Indiana Jones (wow, was that trippy or was I *high*?) and had fabulous sex. I stayed over and the spooning was really nice. It would be nice if I could get more than a couple of consecutive hours of sleep while I was with him. I think his bed is too soft. I'm starting to get very used to this arrangement. I wish the scheduling was a bit more predictable but I'm wondering if it would be such a bad thing to randomly date for a few years while keeping Grey going on the side as a sure thing. Sort of one foot in, one foot out. More out, I guess.

All in all, not a terrible weekend. Plus, Denis never called so I dodged that bullet. And X's mother emailed me. There's pumpkin pie with my name on it!

Ugh

I'm sort of dreading tomorrow. I hate holiday weekends. I'm glad there are only two major ones every year. I just wish they weren't so close together. I'm also glad I don't live in the US as I'm sure I would sink into a deep state of depression having Thanksgiving and Christmas so close together.

I'm going to try and get out of the house tomorrow. Maybe walk some dogs with an ex-coworker who just moved back to the city. Then I think there might be a turkey dinner with Baby and Delorean tomorrow night. Not sure if I'll go. Saw them twice today. He finally got his ring. Now all we really need is the marriage license. If he hasn't taken care of that by Thursday, I'm going to City Hall on Friday to do it myself.

I have about a bajillion hours of TV saved up for this weekend so I'm going to watch some now even though it's late and I'm tired. I am stuffed full of fondue. I actually feel pretty disgusting. The cheap wine didn't help either. I don't know why I keep trying to drink red. I think I need some couch time.

Also, I got a few creepy messages on POF in the last couple of days. I realize that doesn't relate to anything but it seems to be contributing to the general "ugh" feeling.

Blue job

I am in desperate need of a husband. I need new tires for my poor little Crapolla. Last time I replaced my tires (back in 2004), I just walked into a Kal Tire and took whatever they gave me. I ended up spending $700 and got about 70,000 km out of them. Not good. It's mostly my fault for not rotating them and driving around with squishy tires. I'm a terrible car owner. I never wash it or vaccuum it or check the tire pressure or the oil. I have only ever taken it to the dealership for servicing. The only saving grace is that I usually do it within 30 days of when it should be taken in.

My poor little car has been very good to me. I have abused it a lot. Sometimes it thinks it's an SUV. Other times it thinks it's a Porsche. I push it as far as I can. I bought the car Thanksgiving 2000 because I was tired of my mother constantly screaming at me for using her car. I need a car to work. It's in my contract. My dad told me I had to buy a Toyota. I was going to buy a Sunfire or a Neon and run it into the ground but my dad put his foot down. He also paid the difference in price. I am lucky and I should treat my car better.

When I took my car in about a couple of weeks ago to have the tires rotated, the mechanic was very, very reluctant to let me drive away without replacing my tires. He kept yelling through the glass windows, "it's not safe!" My customer service rep, Mike, told me under no conditions was I to drive in snow. I need to get new tires very soonly.

My budget is about $85 per tire with free installation and rotation. Not easy to find. I need all-season tires. I know, they suck but I don't have room to store a second set of tires. I also don't want to put a touring or high performance tire on my poor little Crapolla. The mileage on my car is 130,000 km. I may not get another 100,000 km out of it. So why spend $120 per tire?

Kal Tire has the best warranty in North America. But they're charging an arm and a leg for it. I just went around the corner to Active Green + Ross and they have a couple of options. But they are only located in Ontario so what happens if I move back to BC? I went to my dealership too but I'm not going back there for tires. Their service is generally pretty crap. I hate taking my car there but it's the closest dealership and close to A's parents house. I was thinking about going to Crappy Tire (aka Canadian Tire) but I read a lot of poor reviews on their in-house brand. I haven't been into an actual automotive centre to talk to anyone just yet. Maybe I'll do that this afternoon. But first, I need a nap.

Please-itis part duh

I have another example of Please-itis. I agreed to go with Baby today to pick up her wedding ring because she wanted to go shopping. My instinct was to say no knowing that the traffic would be bad on account of the pouring rain all day. But I agreed because I'm a big pussy.

I traveled 20 km to the mall to meet her and spent over an hour and a half in the car. After an hour of being trapped in gridlock, she suggested doing it another time but by that point there were no exits which would take me home. When we got to the mall, she could only spend an hour because her fiance had agreed to dinner at her parents house and forgot to tell her. I used a quarter of a tank of gas for nothing and have been cranky since 5 pm.

And, after all that, not only did the fiance fail to show up for dinner with the parents, he hasn't bought a ring, applied for the marriage license or compiled a list of songs for the dj. I'm not doing anything else wedding related until after Thanksgiving. Except for sending the bachelorette party evite.

In the meantime, I need to figure out how to politely tell Denis to disappear. Perhaps I'll tell him that I have a new boyfriend and his name is Asshat and he has a really cute dog. Manly dog. No cuddly kitty cats.

Please-itis

I was starting to respond to Asshat's previous comment about not buying into the concept of Please-itis when I realized this deserved it's own entry...

Seriously? You can't buy into the concept of feeling guilty about saying no? There are millions of women all over the world who have this problem. Aren't we raised like that? To be understanding and generous and forgiving? Even at the expense of our own satisfaction, sanity, dignity, happiness? Back me up here ladies.

I'm better than most at saying no but I still feel like I should give the guy another chance. I mean, maybe he wants to apologize for being an asshole. I know I don't have to care but I feel guilty about being so bitchy towards him. I don't know why I feel guilty. Why do I feel like that Asshat? I don't think that I really want to see him again (and my life would be easier if he had just disappeared) but I'm not sure if I can bring myself to say the words out loud "I didn't like you very much and I don't think anything productive can come of brunch". Isn't that a bit harsh?

As for not returning calls or text messages, I won't play those games with the men that I'm actually dating, let alone the ones I don't care about. I'm a decent human being and I don't ignore people, even jackass men. Maybe therein lies the problem.

Uh oh

I may have agreed to brunch with Denis. He has been pretty persistent. A few Fridays ago he offered to buy me a drink via text message. I ignored it because I was busy and, frankly, I'm not sure I even like him as a person very much. Last night he texted to ask how my experiment went. We went back and forth for a bit before he offered to buy me lunch (ostensibly because he still can afford to buy me lunch despite the global financial situation threatening his present retired slum lord status). I agreed to maybe brunch this weekend.

Sigh. Why can't I say no to people??

Grey texted me too last night to apologize for ignoring/avoiding me for the past week or so. I responded with "No worries, we'll catch up later. Hugs." and haven't heard since.

Sigh. Why can't I be with the one I want. Instead of the insane, sociopathic, angry control freak conspiracy theorist?

I'm off to pilates now. Then it's leftover lasagna and mashed potatoes for dinner with a side of recorded TV on the couch. Now that's what I call happiness.

Chick flicks, chatter and chocolate fondue.

I spent the evening with a different group of girlfriends. Friends from "The University" actually. I was dreading it a tiny bit because we have never socialized outside of official school events (which I typically organized) but this was dinner and chick flicks and wine and fondue. And waffles which, obviously, I did not eat. I had a really good time. There was much loud talking at a very rapid pace which is always a good sign among women. My tea ladies and undergrad friends do the same and it's tough to keep up sometimes. Rarely does a conversation ever get finished. But there was much bonding and chocolate and I'm totally stuffed. I think I ate all of my calories for the week tonight. I hope we do it again some time.

Tomorrow I am going to the office to hear my old mentor talk about sustainability stuff. I'm hoping it's packed full of useful information that I can use in my next job application for "sustainability expert". I know very little about "sustainability". I should remember to take notes. I'm really hoping he doesn't give a dumbed down talk. I need high level stuff with jargon and conceptual, implementable ideas. Maybe my expectations are too high. The last sustainability presentation was pretty crap. At least we're getting lunch.

Through My Eyes

Nuit blanche

I have never had such a change of heart about spending time alone as I did in the last 4 hours. At 1.30 am, I got home from spending most of Saturday out with friends and knew I would be high on caffeine for hours. I wanted to go to Nuit Blanche but I was scared to leave the house at 2 am and wander around Toronto on my own in the freezing cold. I am so glad I talked myself into it. It was great! In fact, if I'm still here next year, I'm going to do it on my own again instead of finding someone else to go with. It was so much better to pick the exhibits I wanted to see and spend as much time taking photos as I felt I needed. It was wonderful to experience it on my own. And then I ran into a friend and saw the last two exhibits with her which was fun. I wish it went on longer so that I could see more of the exhibits and really spend time taking them in. If I wasn't so tired, I would be thoroughly energized right now. I will post a couple of photos later but now I'm going to brush my teeth, call A and get into bed.

Cute

I met a pilot from NYC at Devil's Martini tonight and he said I was the cutest girl in the club. And he was right!

But the granny underwear is more comfortable

Parts of today were much better than yesterday. For a start, it rained all day which was lovely. And the lab stuff finally went completely according to plan and nothing broke. Well, that's not true. I dropped a beaker but nobody knows about that so shush. Also, the lab crap was punctuated by yoga class which was awesome, as always. I should really do that every day. I wish I could put my instructor in my pocket and bring her home. She's great.

Then I came home and got 10 reports dumped on me for review before my site visit tomorrow morning. Fortunately they were all extremely truncated and I'm an outrageously fast reader. Just as I finished up, a friend texted me to come meet her for a drink. It was a pre-class boozy call. Ha. I decided I needed to pre-drink to meet my buddy's wife. She was laid off yesterday. Yeah, ouch. Happy freakin' birthday.

Anyway, it turns out I didn't need to pre-drink because he got back early and even arrived at the pub before she did. Then they spent most of the evening canoodling on the other side of the table from me while I attempted to disguise my discomfort by tactfully averting my eyes upwards and watched reflected baseball in the mirror above their heads. Actually, I guess I did need to pre-drink! To be fair, it was all him. She's pretty reserved and I guess he was trying to be comforting. Or something. It was pretty gross. Bluergh, as my Aussie friend would say.

Then I came home and watched Chuck. I love that show. I love Chuck. I might even pick Mrs Chuck Bartowski over Mrs Greg House. Because really, Chuck is sweet and geeky and I dig nerds way more than I dig bad boys.

I need to go to sleep now. I might be going out tomorrow night. I'm ambivalent about it. I know I should go because I just think that I want to stay home on the couch and watch TV. But then, when it's 11 pm and I can't sleep, I'll wish that I had put some lip gloss on and behaved like a real 30-something single girl and not a decrepit old granny.

Can't I just sleep until it's over?

I hate it when my posts randomly disappear. So, taking a deep breath, I choose not to rant and rave. I need to sleep because my vision is starting to blur. Instead, let me entertain you with some of my fb messages today. Because that's the kind of day it's been.

The first message I received from my buddy who is out of town on a field trip with undergrads (and who is a little too close for comfort sometimes considering how happily married he is but let's just pretend he's gay, shall we?)

Subject line: No 'Hi', 'Heya' or 'Hurry back'?
October 1 at 4:17pm
Heya, How is everything?!? What have you been upto this week? Things here are fine. I have to say the students have been better than I expected. That said, I did NOT get a message from you! My ego is officially shot! ;oP [Buddy's wife] said the two of you are meeting up for drinks tomorrow. Have fun and I expect i will see you sometime next week.

My response to him was:
October 1 at 5:30pm
Ha ha, you're hilarious. I woke up Tuesday morning thinking that the highlight of my Wednesday would be getting out of the lab to have lunch with you and so I should hustle through my ammonia analysis. But no, not only are you not here but my ammonia analysis is not going well at all. The chemistry part went fine but the instruments at "The University" are total and utter crap. I tried to log into the spectrophotometer today only to be told that my account had expired. You'd think it would have warned me when I logged on yesterday! Fortunately [power trippy lab tech guy] was just leaving so he updated the expiry on my account to a year from now. But then I had to set up all my method files again and I got an error so outrageous that I couldn't run my samples without making up another batch of standards. Something that should have taken 4 hours will end up taking over 7 if I can even get the damn thing to work this evening. Fortunately, my samples have a 24 hour hold time so I'm not freaking out just yet, even though I am about ready to burst into tears.

Deep breath. Thanks for letting me rant. [Your wife] and I are meeting at 6 ish tomorrow. Hopefully I'm not a total basket case when I see her. I might cry into my drink :(

The third message was one I sent to a friend who is very similar to me and I find that frightening because she can be abrasive, judgmental and a poor listener.

I think I might have to break up with one more of my girlfriends. Honestly, the more I talk to her, the less I like her. Not once in 4 years when I lived in BC did I hear from her and she only started hanging out with me this year because we're both single. When she calls she never asks me about my shit and could care less that I'm totally stressed and overwhelmed with school. So whenever her name comes up on my call display, I ignore it. Then I feel consumed by guilt and call her back. And then I proceed to hate myself for having made myself actually waste my time talking to her. I should just dump her. We had an argument today because she went on and on about how much she fuckin' hated BC and had a lousy time and couldn't wait to get home and I took it personally and told her I was offended and had to go. I wish I could just never see her or her stupid skinny airhead friends anymore but my friend Baby is still really tight with her and we might have to sit together at the stinkin' wedding. I hate stupid women and I hate that I have to be friends with her. Argh.

And the third email was to my buddy again and it's important because, well there needs to be some closure on this day.

As a follow up to this message, I am a TOTAL FUCKING RETARD. There was nothing wrong with the instrument or the software. It was friggin' user error. Jesus I'm stupid. However, problem sorted! I am praying for one day at the lab where I do not come right to the brink of bursting into tears. I don't need optimism. I don't need things to go according to plan. I just need a manageable day with no panicked anxiety attacks which make me want to go home and crawl into bed and cry until my eyeballs fall out. Dear Universe, I'm not McGyver okay! Thank you and goodnight.

"New friends"

I went to a house party tonight that was hosted by some "university" friends and I had a surprisingly good time. Granted, three glasses of wine and chain smoking was fun too. To be honest, I kinda dragged my ass there but ended up talking to some very cool people. I knew most of them but I met some new people too. It was fun. I talked to loads of interesting men and they were either all married or gay. And fabulous. Now I just have to figure out how to spend time with them more regularly.