http://waiterrant.net/?p=607

I was reading this blog entry and thinking how lucky Waiter is to have Buster waiting for him when he gets home. How lucky he is to have somewhere to retreat for the holidays. Where people are welcoming and there's some comfort and joy.

This year, as with last year, I have spent the holidays feeling mostly trampled on. Stomped all over. Exhausted and worn out and miserable. It seems unfair that I don't also have somewhere to go where I can find some peace.

I have a pretty active social life. I always thought that I packed my social calendar full of activities so that I could get away from myself. When I'm sitting in a room with friends, the conversation makes me turn off my feelings. It's like a mask drops into place and I can pretend everything is okay. Maybe I'm not fooling anyone else but I definitely can fool myself into believing that I'm going to be okay. At least as long as dinner lasts, anyway. The presence of other people serves as a distraction from my thoughts. The crazy ones that make me hate myself. So I go out to dinner or meet people for drinks or shop with a girlfriend. As long as I'm forced to pretend I'm okay, I can be okay. When I get home, I can drop the mask and be myself. I need the alone time because all this pretending is exhausting. And I want that. I need that.

I think that I might make a resolution this year. That the place I go to get away, my apartment, should be welcoming and comfortable. It is. I'm happy with where I live right now. It's a great space. I rarely invite people over because I don't want to deal with the invasion of privacy, judgement and curiosity. The few people that I have invited are people that I trust. People I enjoy talking to and spending time with. Granted, there have been a few uninvited guests. But I don't really care what they think anyway.

The problem is that, when I'm alone in my apartment, I also have to deal with my thoughts. The voices in my head. The ones that torment me and punish me and remind me that I'm worthless. Stupid, fat and ugly. The inner turmoil drives me more crazy than almost anything outside. I can deal with the world. I can handle the stress of my daily life. The relationship torment comes from inside. It's the inside garbage that wears me down. Like my current insomnia. I could have gone to sleep hours ago but I couldn't bring myself to calm down, lie down and be still. I needed to have the TV going, to be able to look outside the window at the world outside, to drown all of my thoughts about Grey. To help me forget how much I miss him. It's always easier to sleep when I'm exhausted. If I try to sleep when I'm not exhausted, I end up crying and I hate that.

I don't know how to fix all these things about myself. But maybe, by just telling myself I need to give myself a break, maybe that will make things easier.

In a completely unrelated note, I have been sleeping on the couch a lot. It's comfortable. But I have been having strange and vivid dreams. Maybe the couch is off-gassing VOCs. Last night, I dreamed that I was reading reddit.com and I found an article on the 10 easiest ways to commit suicide. I also dreamed that Grey had decided to move to Montreal. That we had talked on the phone because he had called. I had some other pretty vivid dreams about him when I was napping on Saturday afternoon. I forget now what they were about. But I distinctly remember thinking this morning while I was baking cupcakes that I couldn't remember any of those ways to commit suicide. And I was irritated by that.

Make it stop

God, I miss you so much. I want to send you a text message or an email just to find out how you're doing. I want to get in my car and drive by your place and figure out what you're doing and who you're doing it with. I want you to call me and my heart to race when my call display shows your name. I want to lie next to you and put my head on your shoulder. Just shut my eyes and let go of all the strain and exhaustion and tension. I miss you so much I just want to cry but I'm so tired of crying and missing you. I'm tired of this ache. It feels like there's a giant hole in my chest. A big gaping black hole that can never be filled. That just sucks everything into it but never changes. My throat is tight, my eyes are bloodshot. I want to stand next to you and put my forehead in your neck while you wrap you arms around me and tell me that everything is okay. I want to dance with you, share a cigarette, smoke a joint, have a meal. Watch you cook. Listen to you falling asleep. Wake up next to you. Be the small spoon. I don't want to do anything on my own anymore. I miss you so much it hurts.

More of the same old nothing bullshit

I miss him so much that it hurts. Usually, this sort of anguish brings words but I've got nothing. How can he not feel this way too? I know breakups are hard but this one has been even harder than the rest. I think I might be suffering from borderline depression. I don't want to get up off the couch. I have been using cough syrup with codeine and hours of TV to avoid the thoughts in my head. The phone barely rings. My plans for tonight fell through at 11 after I finally text messaged so I didn't have dinner til midnight. I'm not really eating although I have been baking cookies today.

Actually, I did go to the mall for no other reason than it had stopped raining and I wanted to go to Chapters. Perhaps now that Christmas is over, it will get easier. But I find myself wishing there was an easy way out. Or an easier way to refill the cough syrup with codeine. I need to date a doctor. And a pharmacist. Part of me is glad I deleted him off fb and MSN but I'm very conscious that now I have no way of knowing what he's doing other than to drive past his place and see if the lights are on. And even I won't stoop that low. Not that I can see in the windows anyway. They're too high up. So it would be a waste of time. And yes, I have binoculars but I'm not that desperate. What if I died while I was doing that? Then the whole world would know how sad and pathetic and desperate I am. I hate myself right now. How did I get here?

100

I feel like I should write something monumental but I've got nothing. I already started this post once and it was pure blogorrhea. About Grey and House and misery and crap like that.

I'm pretty sure that I fell in love with Grey. But that can't make any sense. How can you fall in love with someone that you barely know? How can love be real? And how can it be fair to fall in love with someone that doesn't love you back? Surely that's just an illusion. You think that you're in love but you're not really. It's just some weird imbalance of pheromones and hormones and sexual tension and loneliness. Surely.

And if that's what love is, humiliating and painful and unsatisfying and lonely, what the hell is the point?? Why would anyone want that? Every couple I know is unhappy and every relationship I see needs work that one or both people are unwilling to put in. So what the hell is the point??

God,I miss Grey so much but do I really want him back in my life? Probably not. Not with the drama and the baggage and the heartbreak and the tears. There isn't a single thing about him that I don't miss and it seems that I cry every day regardless of whether or not he's in my life. So maybe love doesn't make you better off. Maybe it just helps you feel like there's some meaning to the daily trials and tribulations of life. Maybe that's why I still want him back. Because I'm miserable without him so I might as well be miserable with him, right?

He's back

But not in my life. Grey sent me a text message this afternoon just as I was leaving for bubble tea. I thought that it must have been a mass text to everyone in his phone book. So I deleted him from my facebook friends. As much as I want to hope that he misses me and wants me back in his life, I have to believe that isn't true. There was nothing personal about the text message.

When I was driving home, it occurred to me that he was on his way back from Ottawa. Perhaps that's why he sent it. He was online on MSN tonight. I went to check his fb activity (yes, I acknowledge that's fb stalking and it's sad and pathetic) before it occurred to me that I had already deleted him and I breathed a sigh of relief. Even if it was mixed with sadness and tinged with regret. Then I unblocked him on MSN and deleted him off that too. I don't want to know what he's doing anymore. It's too painful and I'm never going to get him back. I can be miserable without him just as effectively without trying to guess his every movement. I really miss him.

I watched It's a Wonderful Life and The Grinch tonight. Both brought me to tears. This is not a wonderful life and I have no-one's hand to clasp. I realize I'm lucky to have what I have and I should be grateful. I am, but I'm also so very lonely and heartbroken without him.

Raging fever

Short entry tonight. Date was okay. Long. 7 hours. Dinner at Sushi on Bloor, walk along Bloor St, brief tour of his place, drinks at the Rose and Crown. Some parts better than others. Mostly when he was talking. Maybe that makes me uninteresting. In hindsight, lots of awkwardness. Normal for a first date? Not sure. Broke the rules. Talked about religion, politics, exes. Discussed Average American Male. Sweet that he bought me a windmill fridge magnet from Holland. Strange that he thought it would be okay to try and kiss me. Gave up towards the end of the night and started to be my sarcastic, defensive self. He said he wasn't intimidated. Tried to guess my breast size and asked how I felt about blow jobs. Told him a bit about X and Grey. Drove me home. He suggested lunch and that I call him. Then he never called back or emailed. May also have either deleted his LL profile or blocked me. When did it become okay to not return a phone call? No dating for a while. Entire episode made me miss Grey immensely. Must take cough syrup with codeine and go to bed. Fever is not nice. Shivery and achy and clammy and sweaty. Head hurts. Ugh.

End of term

Up late madly writing BS. This paper is going to stink. Fortunately it will be the last thing I am ever graded on. Coming up: thesis lab work.

Procrastinated for hours on MSN today with LL guy. Seems funny but some things set my nerves on edge. Will withhold judgement til Friday. Hopefully is not awkward or weird or creepy. Probably should not let him pick me up but likely will. One bad decision after another.

Mad at Grey. Why would he still want to call me? If he just wanted to talk, he could call from Ottawa. I'm not stupid enough to let him continue manipulating me. I'm not. Really I'm not.

I am.

Better

I felt horribly guilty about ending it over email. On Sunday morning, I sent him the following email:

I'm so sorry I sent you that last email. I should have talked to you in person. I owed you at least the courtesy of that. I was so wrapped up in the things that were said on Monday night that I couldn't get past the way I was feeling. I thought it would make things easier for both of us but I shouldn't have taken the easy way out. If you had ended things with me like that, I would have been crushed. I hope you can forgive me. I would call you to apologize but it seems... I don't know, redundant? And scary. Shit, sorry, I'm awful, I know. I guess I've never been comfortable telling you what I think. Anyway, I really am sincerely sorry.

He replied:

No worries it was understandable considering the situation. You are a great person and you deserve better. I wish you only the best, I hope you found some joy in the time we spent together and that there are no hard feelings. Once again I think you are a wonderful women that deserves more and you should not settle for anything less.
If ok I will call you upon my return.
Happy Holiday's

His spelling and grammar are atrocious. I made an exception to my rule for him because English is not his first language. But it is still a pet peeve.

I sent this email to X.

What I really want to tell him (and I won't which is why I'm telling you) is:
"I don't want better, I don't want more. I want you. I don't want anyone else because that would be settling. I just want what we had in October and the early part of November. Before you started to freak out about all this falling in love bullshit. When you're ready to stop pushing me away and you decide you want to be with me, then you can call me and tell me exactly that and then, if I decide you deserve yet another chance, then we can talk. Until then, don't call me or email me or do anything except for think about what you have lost. By the way, your sheets arrived just in time for Christmas so I put them under my tree and opened them up on Christmas morning. They're wonderful. Thank you!"

Righteous indignation is so easy over email.

It helps me to know that he still wants to talk to me. Even if he just wants to maintain the connection because he thinks I'm stupid enough to have sex with him again. I mean, I am but he doesn't know that. I think it makes me feel better because it puts the power back on my side. Or maybe it means there's some sort of potential. Maybe something I said touched a nerve. I have no idea.

I have a date on Friday night. At least, I think it's a date. Drinks, anyway. I have never met this person before but we've been emailing. Lavalife. I'm just going because I need to get out of the house and talk to somebody else about something other than Grey. He looks good on paper and his photos seem to be pretty cute. He also made me laugh a couple of times which was nice. So, if he's arrogant and pompous and likes to hear himself talk, at least I get an interesting evening out with likely at least one shot of adrenaline and hopefully he'll buy drinks. Anything beyond that is just gravy.

Fucking miserable

I imagine this is how our conversation would sound:

Me: Do you miss me as much as I miss you?
Grey: Miss you? Why would I miss you? I'm glad you're out of my life. Crazy bitch.

Me: Is the hole in your chest as big as the hole in my chest?
Grey: You deserve to have a hole in your chest. Crazy bitch.

Me: Have you thrown out my stuff?
Grey: Yeah most of it but I'm keeping some of it for the other women that might need it.

Me: Do you ever think about me?
Grey: Sometimes when I'm masturbating. But mostly I just watch porn.

Me: Have you moved on?
Grey: I moved on weeks ago. You just didn't see it.

Me: Why would you want to be in love if it feels this awful?
Grey: I would never be stupid enough to fall in love with someone who doesn't love me back. Stupid bitch.

Me: How do I stop crying?
Grey: I don't know and I don't care. You cry too much. Jesus woman, relax.

Me: I miss you.
Grey: I don't do drama.

Me: I can't function.
Grey: Not my problem bitch. I told you "no commitments".

Me: I hate myself.
Grey: You're not the only one.

Me: I wish I could kill myself.
Grey: .... well, okay then.

Maybe what I want is not what I need

I couldn't stop crying all day. If we hadn't got a snowstorm today, I might have been in my car outside his apartment looking up into his window. I'm not a stalker and I'm aware how pathetic that is. This evening I couldn't stop crying. I was hyperventilating because I couldn't stop. I've been through half a box of Kleenex. Thank goodness for Puffs Plus with lotion.

My best friend, A, finally called tonight. She's the only person I can cry to and not care that I'm being ugly. She's probably tired of hearing me cry about Grey. She asked me what it was about him that I missed but I couldn't speak. I was crying too hard. She said that I was upset about this because I wasn't ready to let go and I wanted to keep working on it. She wanted to know what I expect from him. I don't expect anything. I want him back but I don't expect anything. I don't think I'll ever see him again. And that breaks my heart. I miss him so much that I can't fill the hole inside my chest. I've tried food and cigarettes and writing. I haven't tried alcohol but I'm pretty sure that won't help either. I wrote him a letter today and then tore it up so I wouldn't send it in a moment of insanity. In the letter, I wrote everything. All of my thoughts and feelings. I know that communicating those things to him won't fix anything but I thought that writing the letter would help. It didn't. Writing in my journal hasn't helped. Even writing this blog entry is not helping but I have to try.

What wouldn't I do to have him back in my life? I know that it's harder today because it's Sunday. I'm back to hating Sundays again. I wonder what it is that I really need. I want him because he's driven and committed to work and life and gets excited. But maybe what I need is someone more balanced to bring that to my life. I thought I was good at balance but I'm starting to believe that I'm not. Maybe I don't need anyone. Maybe no man can survive a relationship with me. I want him because he is affectionate. I want him because he held my hand and gave me big hugs and was playful and knew exactly what he wanted in bed. I know that I could never not have those things in a relationship. But maybe I won't ever have those things with someone else. I don't want anyone else. I want Grey.

I have to stop torturing myself with this. I want to be able to accept that I made the right decision and begin to move on. I want to forget about the pain and erase the good memories. I need to stop crying. My eyes are puffy, I'm dehydrated, the inside of my nose is raw and the garbage is piled high with Kleenex. My journal articles are soggy, my pillow is wet. I have wasted so much time thinking about him, waiting for him to come online - not that I would message him, checking to see if he has been on facebook. How did I get here? How did I become this person? Why can't I be a better human being? I hate myself right now. But I want him back. I miss him. I think I was in love. That can be the only explanation for my current state of misery. I wish my heart would turn itself off.

Regrets

I wish I had let him make the decision. I wish I had said to him, "you're going to have to decide whether or not you want to be with me". I will always regret being the one to end this. I wonder if he is thinking about me. Noticing when my fb status changes. Wondering about the MSN tag lines. Missing my presence. Maybe he's glad to have his apartment all to himself all weekend. Maybe he's happier on his own. I wish I could call him and ask him if I made the right decision.

Usually, when I make a decision, I know it is right and I'm able to stand behind it. And I can make decisions quickly. This one didn't feel right, doesn't feel right and I don't know if it will ever feel right. I don't think it is one that I can undo. I suppose I could swallow my pride and phone him but he could do the same!

I know that I need to relearn how to be single and happy at the same time. I have so many regrets about my relationships this year. Maybe I need to start making decisions differently. Maybe I need to stop and think before I decide to become involved, and ask myself "will I regret this in a year?" How is it possible to know the answer to that question? In the past, I have always jumped in, my philosophy being that it's better to regret having taken the chance than to let it slip away. Perhaps it's time to start being less decisive? I have no idea. I don't trust my instincts or my judgement with men anymore.

I read some of my old journal entries. I was happy at one point. August 2006 driving across Canada by myself. The rest of the year was mostly unhappy. This year has been mostly unhappy. I am so confused. Everything hurts.

October 11, 2007
"I'm in danger of figuring out what love is. I really like [Grey]. There are some significant things that might prevent this from lasting longer than a few weeks...

I really hope this is going somewhere but I'm full aware that it could fizzle out or crash and burn and I think I would be left very hurt. I like the way he holds my hand when we're walking or when he's just falling asleep.

I'm so glad that he called me on Saturday. Sunday afternoon and Monday evening were perfect. I don't want to lose whatever this is right now but I also understand that I have very little control over what happens and I hope I will never regret making the decision to go along with this. It really scares me but, at the same time, it all just seems to fit. I really do like him a lot."

List

I just read over all of my recent entries about Grey. I can't stop crying. It's the ugly cry where nothing comes out but an occasional high pitched gasp. It's not pretty at all. There was so much wrong for such a long time. But all I can remember are the good things. I know that's normal for post-breakup but the memories are so vivid and poignant and barely within my control.

I miss
his hands
his salt-and-pepper hair
the way he cuts vegetables and sautes with his saucepan
the feeling of his hand on my neck when he was kissing me last weekend
holding hands while watching tv on the couch
sharing a joint
getting up to get dessert
smoking on the couch
sharing a paper
the way he would turn me over to spoon me
the way he would flip me over when we were having sex
his dirty talk
his flatulence
the never-ending supply of drinks
the way he would bound out of bed in the morning
waking up to him telling me breakfast would be ready soon
dim sum
going back to his place on saturday night after being out with girlfriends all day
working together at the dining table
the way he gets worked up about work
his smell
the way he would just stare into my eyes and get lost there
watching tv with him
watching crappy movies with him
watching him drink scotch out of the spiegelau glasses i bought him
watching him sit in his chair and play with his blackberry
the way he would make me take the window side of the bed
his driving
his hugs
his kisses
his playful but hard slaps
the way my head felt on his shoulder when we were lying on the couch or in bed
the way we sat at the table with placemats and napkins like grown ups
the sound of his laugh
watching him stretch
his neurotic cleanliness matched so closely to my own

Everything comes back so randomly and vividly. I wonder when I will stop crying.

Ache

I'm at work but I need to get the words out. I can't get used to this feeling. The hole in my chest where he used to be. It's worse at this time of day as the sun sets and everyone rushes home to their weekends leaving me here at my desk dreading my solitary return to my empty apartment. I thought I had got used to feeling lonely but this is worse. Every Christmas song brings tears to my eyes. My thoughts turn to memories of him at every quiet moment. It's a struggle that I haven't had to deal with before. Did I fall in love with him? Is this what that means? That complete loss of control of every emotion and thought? Overwhelming despair that I will probably never see him or hear his voice again? This is horrible. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Part of me wants him to call me and tell me that he misses me, that he was wrong, that he was an idiot and can I come back? But I know he won't. He's not that guy. It wasn't right and, in my head, I know there are so many reasons I'm better off without him but I miss everything about him. I keep making lists in my head of all the things I miss. And I realize that I don't want to be with anyone else. I honestly don't believe I will meet anyone like him and I don't want to settle for less. Every inch of my soul hurts.

The email I actually sent...

Sadly I don't trust myself to say this to your face. Or even on the phone.


You've been so busy being defensive and closed-off that you never asked me what I wanted from you. I think you assumed that I wanted what you are searching for.


I don't know if I'll ever understand the whole "love" thing. I don't know how anyone can fall in love when they know so little about the person they are with. Is it possible to be in love with someone and not know who they really are? If that's true, how can love be real? When you said you could see I wanted more from you than what we have right now, I was floored. Why would you think that? Is that arrogance or fear? I want what we had last month before you started pushing me away. I do care about you but I don't think I could fall in love with someone that I barely know. Besides, I don't think that you get to tell someone not to fall in love with you.


What I wanted was to be with someone who liked and respected me. What I want is to meet someone whose company I actually enjoy enough to spend consecutive nights with him. I want to have sex with someone who appreciates more than just my body. So that we can do other things when we're not having sex and still have a good time. Because that is one of the things that makes sex better. I guess I was looking for a higher level of connection instead of just a "fuck friend". I want someone with whom I can spend hours and not feel compelled to do anything except what we each want. Like read the paper or take a nap or just get some work done. I want someone who will take my needs into consideration when we are spending time together. Because those are things I would do for the person I was with. I thought that you could be that guy but I guess I was fooled by your good manners and willingness to take care of me. I thought that this was what we both wanted and I am so confused that you continue to have issues with this on a weekly basis. I guess I should have known better when Steph said you were "a romantic".


I think that I was right about you. I think that you can't be happy in a sexual relationship with someone you're not in love with. And I think you're too scared and too hurt to allow yourself to fall in love. Remember when you continued to call me after I told you I didn't want to see you anymore? What was that? Remember that night when we were out watching the sailboats and the stars? What was that all about? Or that time you were out with Steph and asked me to come join you. I told I couldn't have sex with you and you said that it wasn't just about the sex. What was that? Was that you thinking about letting me in? You didn't need to go to the trouble. I would have slept with you anyway. Because I liked you and you made me laugh. It doesn't happen often to me so I was prepared to take the leap.


Maybe I am too caring and generous and sensitive. I am that way because I don't want to become my mother. Most of my friends value and appreciate those qualities in me but I can't seem to find an honest, trustworthy guy who thinks that about me and also wants to have sex with me. Maybe that means I'm fuckable but not lovable. And that breaks my heart because maybe I won't ever be in love and maybe nobody will ever be in love with me.


I still stand by everything I wrote in that facebook message in September. But I am starting to wish I had walked away then. For weeks I reminded myself every day that you weren't my boyfriend. I don't have to do that anymore.


If there is one thing that I have learned from you, it's that men can't be friends with the women they have sex with. A friend would have asked what he could do for me. The last time I had food poisoning, Vancouver brought me soup and ginger ale and ginger tea and I've never slept with him. When My Former Valentine was sick, I took him drugs and never slept with him either. That's what friends do for each other. But you were too selfish to get in your car and drive for 10 minutes to return the soup that I bought for you with no strings attached. Was that arrogance or fear?


Whatever your reasons, you can't seem to make up your mind about me. So I'm deciding for both of us now. No more sex, or shared papers or dim sum or spoons in bed.


There is no need for you to call or email. I didn't take your sweater with me on Sunday but I would like my book so please leave it with my concierge before you go to Ottawa. I will make sure you get your sheets when they arrive.


I am alternating between relief and tears. I miss him. I think he was the one. Which means I will be alone forever. I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.

Letter to Grey

We had a fairly good weekend. Except for Saturday morning when he ripped me a new one after I talked about my family. He's really priceless. Today I was sick. I lost count of the number of times I threw up. I hoped he would come by with some soup. Apparently that was too much to ask.

You've been so busy being defensive and closed-off that you never asked me what I wanted from you. I think you assumed that I wanted what you are searching for.

I don't know if I'll ever understand the whole "love" thing. I don't know how anyone can fall in love when they know so little about the person they are with. Is it possible to be in love with someone and not know who they really are? If that's true, how can love be real? When you said you could see I wanted more from you than what we have right now, I was floored. Is that arrogance or fear? I do care about you but I don't think I could fall in love with someone that I barely know. Besides, I don't think that you get to tell someone else whether or not to fall in love with you.

What I wanted was to be with someone who liked and respected me. What I want is to meet someone whose company I actually enjoy enough to spend consecutive nights with him. I want to have sex with someone who appreciates more than just my body. So that we can do other things when we're not having sex and still have a good time. Because that is one of the things that makes sex better. I guess I was looking for a higher level of connection instead of just a "fuck friend". I want someone with whom I can spend hours and not feel compelled to do anything except what we each want. Like read the paper or take a nap or just get some work done. I want someone who will take my needs into consideration when we are spending time together. Because those are things I would do for the person I was with. I thought that you could be that guy but I guess I was fooled by your good manners and willingness to take care of me. I thought that this was what we both wanted and I am so confused that you continue to freak out about this on a weekly basis. I guess I should have known better when Steph said you were a romantic.

Maybe I am too caring and generous and sensitive. Most of my friends value and appreciate that in me but I can't seem to find a decent, respectable guy who thinks that about me and also wants to have sex with me. Maybe that means I'm fuckable but not lovable. And that breaks my heart because maybe I won't ever be in love and maybe nobody will ever be in love with me.

And I think that I was right about you. I think that you can't be happy in a sexual relationship with someone you're not in love with. And I think you're too scared and too hurt to allow yourself to fall in love. Remember that night when we were out watching the sailboats and the stars? What was that all about? Remember when you continued to call me after I told you I didn't want to see you anymore? What was that? Was that you letting me in? You didn't need to go to the trouble. I would have slept with you anyway. Because I liked you and you made me laugh. That doesn't happen often to me so I was prepared to take the leap.

I still stand by everything I wrote in September. But I am starting to wish I had walked away the first time I tried. For weeks I reminded myself every day that you weren't my boyfriend. I don't have to do that anymore.

If there is one thing that I have learned from you, it's that men can't be friends with the women they have sex with. A friend would have asked what he could do for me today. You were too selfish to get in your car and drive for 10 minutes to bring me the soup that I bought for you with no strings attached. Was that arrogance or fear?

I would rather be nowhere

I don't know if I can handle this. I'm okay when there are people around. I've always been good at faking strength and self-confidence. But when I get home, I can't stop crying. I really miss him.

I wrote that last night. I never posted it because I was so ashamed of myself. And then I had a colossal epiphany. I'm too tired to write about it but I'm starting to waver in my convictions about Grey.

The two things next to my bed are my very marked up and highlighted copy of He's Just Not That Into You and my journal.

I still miss him but I'm exhausted with this non-relationship. Maybe it would be better if I was hit by a truck. Or pushed out the window. Or died during exam invigilation tomorrow. Somebody died on campus today. No further details were provided. Shocking.

Over

He didn't call last night. I wasn't really expecting it. He never calls on Mondays. He didn't call tonight. I was hoping he would. But also hoping he wouldn't. Because, if he never calls me again, I won't have to make a decision. Maybe I will regret for the rest of my life not trying harder. The sensible part of my brain knows that it's not up to me and never was. I miss him so much. I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.

Kiss of Death

He didn't kiss me all weekend. Not when I arrived. Not when we had sex. Not when I left. Well, he did kiss me when I left. Both cheeks. He was dodging my lips. He said that he didn't want to kiss me when we were having sex because his breath was awful. And he said he missed the kisses. But I think he just didn't want to kiss me and made up the rest.

I don't know what love is but I don't think I can be with someone who can't even bring himself to kiss me. I must be a really terrible person if I'm fuckable but not lovable or even kissable.

Not in love

Ten years a go, I met a guy who I was with for seven years. I think the only thing we had in common was that we were both lonely. He was good to me and might even have loved me. I don't know anymore. It wasn't right. I wasn't happy. He's with someone else now.

A year ago, I was not in a relationship with a guy that knew how to make me laugh and wanted to. He understood what I meant when I said that we're all really alone. He was too young. And not ready for a mature relationship. But he was sweet and funny. It wasn't right. I wasn't happy. And now he's with someone else.

Six months ago, I was in a relationship with a guy that said he loved me and wanted to marry me and just come home and spend time with me at the end of his day. But he didn't know how to make me laugh and didn't try. He wasn't ready for a relationship either, but he loved the idea of being in love with me. It wasn't right. I wasn't happy. And now he's with someone else.

Today, Grey told me that he isn't in love with me. I'm not sure what to do with that information. I'm not even sure I understand why it is even relevant. Maybe it's because I don't believe in love. Maybe it's because I believe that companionship is an illusion. On the one hand, I hear voices in my head telling me that I deserve to be with someone that is crazy about me. And I think that Grey was trying to tell me that he isn't crazy about me. I don't know if anyone has ever been crazy about me. Anyway, I think those voices might be my instincts. But I don't know because I don't trust my instincts anymore. I think I turned them off. Or maybe I never had any.

On the other hand, I just want to be with him. I want to keep trying. I want to know why he keeps me at a distance. I think that we could bridge the distance if we could each let our guard down. I want him to make me laugh and I want him to reach out for me. I want him to hold my hand when we're watching TV. I want him to hold me close when we're in bed. I want the big hugs and the soft kisses and the...

He is bored of me already. Perhaps he's just too scared to say that in so many words. I don't want to believe that he is trying to get rid of me. I want to believe that's just my issue and I'm misinterpreting his meaning. I have no idea. I'm so confused. Shouldn't relationships be easier than this?