He loves me, he loves me not

I wish boys knew that saying "I'll call you later" or "I'll call you in a bit" is girl secret code for "I will stay up til unreasonable hours wondering what you're doing". I get that he's unreliable and that "later" means "not today". On the one hand, he's not playing the usual games. He texted me last night, this morning, this afternoon and then called me to talk. Tonight I was the one who was busy and didn't have time to talk. I feel guilty because I knew as soon as I heard it on the news this morning that one of his major clients passed away. Instead of caving in to peer pressure, I should have said no to the mall and gone straight home via the grocery store. I was exhausted after less than an hour shopping because I didn't sleep properly last night. I wasn't in the mood to spend any money. And I was with a colleague that is best in small doses. What was I thinking? The next two nights will definitely be spent at home. Unless my energy level miraculously rebounds.

Fortunately I have real work to do and that is also making me productive in the thesis department.

Now if I could just stop thinking about The Other Guy. Wondering what he's doing, if he misses me too, if I will even see him this weekend. Whether he will try to make me laugh or just be civil and cool. Whether I will be cool or awkward and weird. When I think about past incidents, I realize that he was condescending towards me. And I *hate* that because I am fundamentally a humble person and have a tendency to think first that perhaps I am the one who has made a mistake and the other person was right. I think what I miss most is the attention. He was very, very good at giving me his undivided attention. He was so focused and attentive and observant. It felt nice. I want someone to be *that* into me. But I want it to be sincere and genuine and sustainable. Argh. Asking too much.

I would also really like a hug from The Crush. Maybe even to hold hands. Is that too much to ask? I don't need a make out session. Just some face time and a minor personal space violation.