Friday, December 5, 2008

Size... what?

Wait, there was one other thing. I read Orange Bandage's post just now and remembered something that happened today.
I would have remembered in the morning. It's just the way my brain processes information.

I commented on her post today that I have body image issues. They're not serious but they're bad enough that I have been eating considerably less since I was called chubby in October. Rationally, I realize in my head that I'm not actually fat. Sure, I could lose 10 pounds and not be unhealthy. Whether I should or not, I can't say anymore. I would prefer to be 20 pounds lighter but I am slowly learning to accept that my body is okay. I have upper body strength which is important for a single girl living alone. I have breasts which I have become attached to. I have a perky ass which is important. And I have abs under the flab (mental note, do some pilates tomorrow). I'm told I am pretty and I can see that objectively I'm not hideous. I think I'm funny looking though. I wish I was a beautiful skinny girl with large boobs and a tiny waist and a perfect ass and long straight arms and legs. If only wishing would make it so.

Two things happened today.

Baby called me at work today and asked if she could borrow one of my dresses for her Christmas party. I laughed because a) I have like 2 dresses in my closet and b) she could fit into my clothes twice. Or so I thought. Granted, she's shorter than me but she fit into my university graduation dress perfectly. I really thought I was significantly bigger than her. She fit into a couple of other dresses really well too. One that I haven't worn since 2002 and another that I haven't worn since high school. Not because they don't fit. But they're a little dated and I never wear floor length dresses. Anyway, clearly I was wrong about our respective sizes.

My friend in the painted pink dress tried on a pair of jeans today. Size 6 Boyfriend 77 antique wash jeans at American Eagle. I bought two pairs last week and dropped them off for hemming. When I tried them on at the seamstress, she said I looked like a size 2 or 4 and wanted to try them on herself. When she said the size 4 was too small but the size 6 fit perfectly, I almost fell over. I have always thought that she was much, much tinier than me. Granted, she's several inches taller so she is proportionately smaller. But I thought she was actually smaller around than me. She always looks amazing in dresses whereas I think I have a kangaroo pouch. I have been jealous of her for years.

I'm not sure what to do with this information just yet. I'm tired and my brain needs time to process it. It might be the beginning of a breakthrough. I'm not entirely sure yet. But I think I can make some body image progress with it. Slowly. Very slowly.


Awkward, for you said...

Body image issues plague almost every female. I hate my body and i am over weight...but still yet to do anything except get a gym membership loose 10lbs celebrate and gain it all back. I need to lose 25lbs.

I'm proud of you for realizing, on your own, that you are not 'chubby'. Men can be harsh. As you know i was called FAT by a perfect stranger and it echoes throughout my head every time i look at myself in the mirror.

Smile and be happy you fit into size 6 jeans. I can only dream! :)

Anonymous said...

"I wish I was a beautiful skinny girl with large boobs and a tiny waist and a perfect ass and long straight arms and legs."

No matter what the media may tell you, you'd be surprised how many guys do not find the Barbie doll figure attractive. I've seen the surgical construction of it here in LA and, trust me, ewwwwwww...