Friday, July 11, 2008


Sometimes I find it helps to think of things in terms of superlatives. Is Grey the worst man I have ever been with? I think so. Is he the worst non-relationship I have ever been in? I think so. Has he had the most negative effect on my self-esteem? I really think so. I'm not entirely convinced just yet and I think that today I will wonder around the mall and think about it objectively.

Or maybe I should just write it out because I know the mall will be distracting.

Right after X, there was red. But that was an open secret. Nobody could know about us. And I think that very few people still do. He made me angry and he made me cry when he ended it. But I never felt powerless. I enjoyed Christmas with his family. And after the shock of the break up wore off, I appreciated his honesty and his courage in not just disappearing. What does that say about other men? Not a great deal, I guess.

After red, there was blue. He was just a jerk. But again, I never felt helpless or unable to say no to him. That was a flash in the pan. I regret it but I guess I had to live it.

Then there was another flash in the pan. Again, regrets but minimal. Turns out I didn't like him much either.

Followed by several months of hiatus, if I remember correctly. In the fall of 2005, there was Dutch. I think I was crazy about him but we're friends now and I'm okay with that. I remember being crushed by many of the things that happened between us. But I think that was because he considered me un-dateable. Not unfuckable, just un-dateable. His words. Overall, he was good for my self-esteem. Complimentary and sweet, and gentle and generous. Just very self-centred, manipulative and narcissistic. Exactly my type, in fact.

My former Valentine, there's no point dwelling on that. Too young though he often showed maturity beyond his years. The only man that ever made me laugh. Good for my self-esteem. Perhaps a little too good sometimes.

And B. Again, I never felt powerless and he barely dented my self-esteem.

Grey is the only one who makes me feel weak and small and stupid and needy. Maybe I am all those things and it has taken this, the worst kind of non-relationship, to bring those negative qualities out in me. I have learned so much about myself from my interactions with him. But I'm beginning to think that it has all been a waste of time. If I'm never in another relationship again, what would be the point?

I think I am finally disgusted with myself.

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