Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Still sad

My head and my heart and my body are completely disconnected. I was starting to feel better, physically, today. I went to the grocery store and bought laundry detergent. Did four loads. Swept and mopped the floor. But I didn't eat well. I coughed a lot last night and my lungs are still wheezing. I woke up in a better frame of mind, mentally, and my voice was stronger. I decided to take it easy today. To get some rest so that I could be productive for the rest of the week and the weekend. And I am feeling more alert. I was even starting to feel strong and happy and was willing myself not to contact Grey tonight. Because, after tonight, I'll be busy again.

But then X's mother sent me a photo she took several years ago. It was me and the dog in their front yard. It's such a great photo and I remember they had it up in the house for many years. I had completely forgotten about it. It made me smile but it also made me cry. I feel so alone right now. It's hard to be sick and grieving all by myself.

She also had some really kind words to share. Shouldn't I be the one sending her comforting words?

Dear Me,
I always thought that _the_puppy_ considered you to be family once she got past the barking at you for the first two months. Once she accepted you into her pack, you were always a member. That is one of the reasons that I would ask you to stay with her because it was less traumatic for her. You belonged in our house. The_neighbour_ has looked after _the_puppy_ on occasion, and although _the_puppy_ likes the_neighbour_, she did not belong in our house the way you did. In the past year, I don't think there was any way to disguise the fact that dog sitting meant there was something bad happening.

This is the photo I think of when I think of you and _the_puppy_. I also think of you sitting with _the_puppy_ on your knee while you were reading. As I remember, you also gave good ear rubs.

I think that _the_puppy_ associated you with bringing X home more that taking him away. You often picked him up from the airport and she always looked for him whenever you came to the door.

We do appreciate all of the times you took care of _the_puppy_. I am glad that you were a part of her happy active years.

How incredibly fortunate am I to still have such a great relationship with his family? With his mother especially?

I need to do better.

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