Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Stupider than it sounds

Well, in the colossal surprise event to end all surprises... guess where I was tonight?

Yes, that's right. I went to Grey's for dinner, a movie and mind blowing sex.

I was feeling ambivalent - even dreading it a little - almost up until the moment that I drove up to his apartment building where I said out loud to myself, "just be happy". Yes, I am weak. But to be very honest, part of the reason I ended up going was because Baby brought someone else wedding dress shopping and that woman was beyond annoying. She loved every dress that Baby tried on, even the truly hideous ones that I made her wear just to see how they would look. I couldn't sit through dinner with her knowing that I could be having free, pre-j-and-sex dinner with Grey instead.

And he was sweet. Very sweet. Even when he said "fuck you", he apologized sincerely and made me hug it out. I pretended to be offended so that he would know I take that kind of language seriously. But, deep down, his words hold much less meaning today than they did last week. My reaction to the same language several years ago wasn't as... I was going to say mature but I think I actually mean cynical.

I don't remember the parallel incident but the ending was much stickier. I know I'm going to read this in a year, or five years, and wonder what the hell I was thinking today. No, I'm not over him. I can admit that. If "The One" exists, he is probably the closest I have ever come. There's nothing I want more than to have him wrapped around me. Well, that's not true. I do want consistent, intentional affection from someone who wants to hold onto me whenever possible and not just these random weeknights subject to his schedule.

It would also be nice to be with someone whose compliments are more thoughtful and gracious than, "you're my perfect fuck". So yeah, date on Thursday is still a good idea. I wonder though whether sex with another man will be as interesting and satisfying. I guess I'll just have to find out.

I'm still a bit high so I'm going to bed. But the convoluted point is that I'm happy. I don't feel shitty or weak or stupid. I am just post-coitally blissful. Plus, H is back!


G in Berlin said...

I am going to de-lurk for a moment to tell you what I think. Dorry. I think you have tremendous self esteem issues and are in an abusive relationship. I think you need to stop, realize that you are addicted to self-abuse, do some reading, and if you can't help yourself, get professional help. I was once in an abusive relationship (always verbal, never physical) and I didn't realize it until I read a pamphlet at the dr's.
You are hurting yourself.
There are other men out there, there is other sex. You can actually find a man who will treat you as a loved one, a person to be valued and cared for. In fact, if Grey were the only other person in the world, it would be better to be alone because he is using you and treating you badly while doing so. And agreeing to this doesn't make either his behavior or your acceptance better. If you want to be in an abusive relationship, I still don't understand, but at least say it aloud: I want to be abused. Then I can just mark you off as someone with psych quirks I don't understand.
Is this too rough? Consider it an intervention. ou sound like such a nice person, it bothers me to read what you are allowing to be done to yourself.
I am not going anonymous- write me if you want to talk further.

Asshat said...

keI'm not sure your contentment will outlast the post-coital hormones and THC. I don't necessarily agree that you're being abused, but I think you deserve better. I hope your date works out.

Asshat said...

"You're my perfect fuck" is demeaning, isn't it? Then there's his inappropriate texting you about the pussyfest at the Playboy club. It's pretty clear to me that Grey's interest in you is limited to only certain of your body parts and then only when it's convenient for him. I'd cut my loses, if I were you. Being alone for a while isn't that bad.