Monday, July 21, 2008

Flash in the pan

Today was rough but it's over and I'm ready for bed. I sent this email to Denis last night.

I had a really good time with you today. It really was my ideal Sunday. But we have to talk about what happened tonight. It's not the way I would have chosen to end such a perfect day. To be honest, I'm thoroughly disgusted with myself. I love talking to you and cuddling with you but having sex tonight really made me feel shitty about myself. I wish it hadn't happened and I don't know if I can get past it. We can talk more about it tomorrow but I need to say all this here because I'm not sure I will be able to articulate myself coherently. I said I wasn't mad at you and I'm not. I'm ashamed at myself for not being stronger, for not standing my ground, for letting it happen when I knew days ago that I would regret it if I did. I need to be with someone who is good for me because I'm so hard on myself and now I'm really not sure if this is it. And that makes me sad because I have more to talk about with you than any man I have ever met. Perhaps my instincts are right and this feeling of being overwhelmed and freaked out is not a good thing. I just wish I could trust them.

He replied to my email saying he felt the same way. Ashamed that he caved as well and hoping we could move past it. Then I went to school and had a total meltdown in the lab. I had to come home because I was crying and that's just not productive. Talked to a couple of girlfriends and drafted an email to my supervisor outlining my frustration. Haven't sent it yet but I will tonight.

Then, when I was less of a basket case, I called Denis. We had dinner and talked briefly. I told him that I was still feeling really awful about last night. And I told him that I needed to slow down the physical stuff until I got to know him a little better. That we should maybe just date (ie meet in public places) for the next couple of weeks.

Then he said a bunch of stuff that basically boiled down to his not agreeing to my terms. He said he couldn't be in that sort of relationship. He could try to fake it and bury his desire for me but that he would end up being miserable. That he wanted to be with someone who was equally committed and working towards the same things.

I pointed out how black and white that was given that we only met last Thursday and said I wasn't sure when I was going to know all those things. That I was overwhelmed by his intensity. We decided that neither of us was being unreasonable, that I'm just more cautious and conservative. But he basically gave me an ultimatum and I said I couldn't meet that without knowing him a little better.

I'm relieved. It was all too much, too soon.

No comments: