Happy New Year!

Happy noo dear everyone! I am in Calcutta and on an unsecured wireless network but I don't really have any time to myself to write. Anyway, this year seems to have started off somewhat mediocrely. I'll have to think about new years resolutions a bit over the next little while. A couple that come to mind right away: to eat more Mayo Clinic Top 10 Foods and to give people my undivided attention.

Chomp!

Honestly, sometimes India makes me miserable. I would have slept well but I got bitten three times: twice on the chin and once on the arm. I don't know where the mosquito came from since it's January (!) but naturally it would find me somehow. I'm all swollen and puffy and itchy and grumpy. Other than that, things are great. I'm online (it's dial up but surprisingly fast), I have already had my favourite dessert (rasmalai), my parent's new flat is amazing - high ceilings, marble floors, spa-style bathrooms - if a bit cavernous for just two of us. And we've already talked to the important people so hopefully today will be good, whenever we figure out what we're doing exactly.

We booked our tickets to Calcutta for Monday afternoon. I somehow have to find a way to tell my grandfather that I won't be staying with him because A has rented a flat close to her ailing grandmother. When there are this many people to coordinate with, things get much more difficult. Today will likely be the reverse. We have no real plans. I'm hoping to do some shopping but it's Sunday and I never know in Asia when things are going to be open. In Hong Kong, everything was open on Christmas Eve and most things were open Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Even the grocery store was open til 10 pm on Christmas Day. It was great, actually. For those of us who don't celebrate and feel like we're misisng out, it was good to get all of my errands done. It didn't feel like a special day at all until we went out with some friends for dinner.

One thing I wanted to mention after my last post was the food on Cathay Pacific. It was actually excellent. My dad's omelette, hash brown and sausage was decent as far as plane food goes. But I chose the Indian vegetarian option (because I'm allergic to eggs - have I mentioned that before?) and it was good. I mean, it was comparable to street food in any Little India anywhere in the world. It may have even been as good as real Indian food from India! I was very impressed. And the service on CP is as good as I remember. My dad can be a pretty surly old man sometimes and the flight attendants accommodated his every grunted request for water and a newspaper.

In the absence of familia drama, I have discovered a new source of anxiety. How will I manage to travel in India on my own when my parents are gone? Sometimes I doubt that I will come here when there is no longer anyone left to visit. But worse, what happens when my parents want to travel here and I have to be the responsible one? The one who arranges for a driver to pick us up a the airport, instructs the cook and housekeeper, orders the water and makes sure the flat is livable? I am having to do some of that already because my dad is approaching 70 and apparently just barely manages to muddle through these things now. Even finding the keys to the locker at the bank took a half hour phone call to my mother and an extensive search of all of the locked cupboards in the bedrooms. Sigh. I can't worry about that now but I'm going to have to learn the language at some point. And make some of my own connections so that I'm not completely at a loss when I do have to be the grown up.

Okay, must go respond to C le V's emails before my dad gets up.

Hong Kong International Airport

I'm at HKIA waiting for my flight and I got 30 minutes free internet access! All I had to do was buy a bottle of water which I was going to do anyway. This airport is probably one of the best places in the entire world. It's huge, for a start and the gates are connected by a rapid light rail. You can buy just about anything imaginable from chocolate to wonton soup to Chanel. I tried to buy some Duty Free alcohol for New Years Eve but I couldn't find anything that I though A and I would both enjoy. Well, champagne but I'm not sure I should put that in my checked luggage on the flight to city #3. Anyway, I digress.

This airport is amazing. I think everyone should fly through here at least once. It's efficient and pretty and clean and quiet despite the thousands and millions traveling through here daily. Even checking in is super easy. You can check your luggage up to 24 hours before your flight at one of a number of airport stations in the city. Then all you need is your boarding pass, travel documents and carry-on luggage. I have taken some photos which I will probably upload when I get home in January. I should probably go as I left my dad at the gate and he thinks I'm just buying water when I actually went to the washroom, walked around this wing of the airport and window shopped.

Outbound leg 2

Okay, I'm off to city #2 for a couple of days before heading onto city #3. It is more than likely my internet access will be severely restricted for several days, if not until the middle of January when I return to city #1. I will try my best to get online without compromising my blog. Wish me luck! Happy New Year everyone.

Oh, and just as a little teaser, I'm doing this just after New Years...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sundarbans
I'll try not to get dead ;)

Last day in city #1

Tomorrow morning we leave for city #2 very early and I have a busy day today so here is a very rushed post. Got an email from ClV and responded. On the agenda for today is: repack the suitcase for city #2, go see Quantum of Solace with my mother, meet various high school friends that I found through facebook at various times for coffee and dinner. I'm anxious about that bit. It's going to be a long day. I'm hoping to do a tiny bit of shopping as well.

Curry Christmas

It's Christmas yo! My mom asked me yesterday whether I wanted her to buy a ham and roast it or something. Or just eat chicken curry leftovers from two days ago. I voted for the chicken curry leftovers. Last night, my parents and I went to one of the ubiquitous tourist night markets with my friend, The Actress, from high school, her parents and another close family friend, Mr K. It was pretty fun actually. I got used to all of the crowds very quickly but my lungs and sinuses are definitely suffering from the poor air quality. It's still a little chilly here but The Actress' mother was trying to convince me they were swimming in the ocean last weekend because it was so hot. Figures I would bring the cold Canuck weather with me!

I didn't buy anything but The Actress bought a lot of useless junk. Grey asked me to look for Coach for his assistant and I did find a couple that I liked but I have no idea what she might want since I've never met her. We didn't walk back through the market (basically a lane) so I didn't go back for the purse. I have lots of time though so I can go back there in January if I decide that's what I want to buy.

I got an email from Capitaine le Vomi. He started it off "hello sweatheart". Not sure if that was a typo or intentional. He said he was looking forward to my coming back. Is that the same as telling me he misses me? As far as I'm concerned, he's as far away now as he was before for all the talking and visiting we've ever done. Plus I'm still not sure I can overlook the vomit weekend fiasco yet.

Anyway, I'm getting off the computer now before the 'rentals barge in and wonder what the heck blogger is. The mortification if they ever found this private, online journal! Plans for today include pjs and tv. Plans for tomorrow include dinner with a long lost and very close friend from high school. She's nuts but I have a feeling we'll connect just like old times.

Jet lag brain

Jet lag sucks. I was hoping to stay up til at least 10 pm but I don't think that's going to happen. Granted, the documentary on the Amazon River wasn't helping. So just a quick post and then I'm going to put in my ear plugs and go to bed. When I woke up this morning, I was still anxious. Likely only getting 1.5 hours sleep didn't help any. But by the time I got to the gate and wrote a few words in my journal, I was actually looking forward to the trip. Not the flight, although it wasn't that bad and I slept quite a lot. I was even looking forward to seeing my parents at the airport which is unusual enough to warrant mentioning. However, my mother decided not to come to the airport so it was just me and my dad. That's okay too. It took us a good hour at least to get home and driving around this city was harrowing, just as I remember it. My dad suggested that I try driving his car but I won't. Not least because it's the wrong side of the road (the right side, actually) but also because it's a nice car and everything is crazy here. My heart was in my mouth the entire ride home which just goes to show how quickly you can get used to "better" conditions. I was born and raised here so I should be used to it. I'll get used to it again quickly. I always do.

After I got here, I spent an hour on the phone with A. It helps to be closer in time zones although she hasn't got over her jetlag and she's been in this half of the world for over a week now. Then in the evening, my mother dragged me over to a neighbour's. They moved shortly after my parents moved but they were our neighbours since I was in Grade 5. I took french classes and ballet classes with their older daughter but hadn't seen her in 15 years. It was weird. She's different. I must be too. Not sure if I'll be seeing her again this week. I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas Eve. We have to keep reminding ourselves that we might not be able to do everything we want to because things might close early. Then again, they might not. We were thinking of going to the night market tomorrow. Grey asked me to find out how much Coach purses went for in this part of the world for his administrative assistant so I might have to do some shopping. But what I really want is to stay "home" and do nothing.

A couple of you have asked where "home" is. I was going to tell you but let's play a guessing game. I'll drop hints and you can make some edumacated deductions. But I have to confess, I made a mistake with the flight time. It was actually closer to 16 hours from Toronto.

Frazzled

I would love to write about the wedding because Grey and I had a lovely time together. He was the ideal date and I invited him to our work event in February because he was so good.

But I'm too frazzled and anxious right trying to get organized to leave to think about yesterday at the moment. I just finished packing but I still don't feel ready to leave. Perhaps because I have finally found a place that feels like "home", I no longer feel as though I am going "home" anymore. It's unexpected and unsettling. I miss home and I haven't even left yet.

Anyway, suitcases are packed, I'm checked in (second last row on the plane, window seat, 14 hour direct flight) so I just have to check my bags, proceed through security and pick up a bottle of water. I have a blanket, a pillow, change of shoes so I don't have to wear my woolly winter boots when I get off the plane, snacks, books, ear plugs and a sleep mask. I just went through my travel checklist and remembered bug spray and sunscreen. Not sure if I should take a hat. I probably should, just in case. Hopefully it doesn't get squashed in my suitcase. Have I mentioned I hate packing for two different climates while leaving a third, completely different one? Ugh.

It doesn't help that Capitaine le Vomi called this evening and we talked for an hour and a half when I should have been packing. He quite specifically asked me what date I would be back and when I would find out about flying to New Brunswick. I think that means he wants to see me.

Mass confusion prevails. Now would be a great time for bed.

Weekly phone call

Capitaine le Vomi phoned this afternoon and we talked for half an hour about stuff. I had just about given up on hearing from him as the last email was Wednesday afternoon during the TSX meltdown. He told me he would maybe call me that night. But then I went out and partied which was a good thing because no phone call. No further emails. Then, two in rapid succession this afternoon. In the second email, he said he might try calling me. Which he did. Before I could finish typing a reply. That boy is very confusing. But lengthy, funny emails and occasional phone calls do not a relationship make. They barely constitute a friendship, especially when our grand total meetings number three, one of which was spent vomiting cranberry, orange and vodka all over everything. I have learned my lesson though and will not be mentioning my extracurricular activities with Grey to him or any other man.

I am exhausted but can't seem to drag myself to bed. I did eleventy loads of laundry this evening and wish I had started earlier in the week. It's a real drag to have four pairs of jeans and a pair of purple cords hanging on my drying rack in addition to all the sweaters, bras, mitts, toques, long johns and dress pants. Poor little contraption is buckling under all that weight.

I'm really looking forward to the wedding and reception. Hopefully the roads will be cleared when I wake up and the drive to Snowville won't be too crazy. Fingers crossed!

It's been a month...

If a booty call is pre-arranged, is it still a booty call?

I just got home from Grey's. He was in a very good mood yesterday which was nice. Not drunk and not (very) high. I made him laugh a lot. I don't think he appreciates that. He did seem to appreciate the effort it took for me to find and actually wear a matching set of white lace underwear instead of my usual 100% cotton schtuff imported from M&S and VS full coverage IPEX bra. I can't help it though. Lace is itchy and cotton is comfy. Plus, you can just throw it in the laundry. There has to be a reason that men don't wear lace. Why should I have to wear it?

Anyway, I told him it was his Christmas present. And then we had a discussion about how December sucks and we both wish Christmas would disappear. But that, as long as there are kids to open presents, there will always be Christmas. Apparently he's buying toboggans for his nieces this year. I can only imagine how thrilled his brother and sister-in-law will be when he shows up with those next week.

He's looking forward to 11-course Chinese banquet at the wedding tomorrow. We talked about how I haven't taken a date to a wedding in 5 years. 5! And that he's not a real date anyway. Because I don't have to babysit him, make sure he has a drink at all times, have polite conversation and be nice to each other. Why ruin a good thing, right? Sometimes it's hard for me to maintain this tough girl act. I'm an affectionate person in relationships and his nickname for me, "suction cup", is appropriate. But for some reason he doesn't respond to that. I think he actually prefers to be the affectionate, cuddly one. We cuddled a lot last night and this morning. It was nice. It was nice to hold hands and fall asleep together. To be spooned and do the spooning.

So how do I find me a guy that wants to do those things and actually go on dates and talk and stuff? Sheesh, if I had known it would be this hard to find a new relationship, I would have stayed with X for another 7 years in Tibet. Actually, I really wouldn't have. This arrangement seems to be working out just fine for now. And he didn't completely freak out when I proposed living with him in April which is remarkable. But the more I think about it, the less I want to live with him. I'm really going to start looking for a cheaper place to live in the new year.

First though, nap time. I don't sleep well with others.

Oh dear...

I ended up partying tonight. It's Wednesday! Well, technically I suppose it's Thursday. Ouch, this is going to hurt in the morning. We started at Spice Route and then ended up at lobby. The vodka-cran would have been okay... if it hadn't been for the mystery vodka shots with lime around midnight. And it's too late to place a booty call! I need a younger booty buddy. Someone who answers his phone after midnight. Urgh...

Blah

How can it be that I have nothing to write about? I could tell you that I found the perfect travel journal. Same size as last time but covered in shoes!
http://www.peterpauper.com/product_info.php?products_id=2911&cPath=25_67

I heard from The Crush. Well, actually I texted him to ask if I should spend $5 on Crime and Punishment. He texted me back 2 hours later to tell me it was worth it. Too late. He said he is decorating the house for (I assume) the party on Saturday. The one he still hasn't officially invited me to. Fortunately I plan to have a post-wedding party of my own with Grey. I imagine it will be much more fun.

It's a freakin' WinterWonderland right now. I was watching the repeat finale of So You Think You Can Dance Canada with my friend with the painted pink dress and had no idea. It's pretty and all but the roads better be ploughed by the time I leave work tomorrow. And I get to go to work tomorrow. Yay, money!

Money is good because I completely forgot I have to buy gifts for all the people I'm visiting while I travel. My dad reminded me today. So Thursday will be shopping day. I do not enjoy the mall in December. Give me a Tuesday morning in mid January when it's quiet.

Okay, that's all I got. My life is boring and blah. I hate December.

Ow

My stomach really freakin' hurts. Not all the time but a lot. Enough that I can't sleep lying down. Propped up on a pillow on the couch seems to be better. I can barely keep my eyes open and I really have to go to the bathroom but I can't tear myself away from the internets.

Today I bought myself a new top. I don't need it but it fits quite well. It was expensive though. What do you think? Should I keep it?

Bloated

I haven't blogged because I haven't had much to say. I spent Wednesday in my pjs on the couch, Thursday at the office not really doing any work and today doing marginally more than the other two days. So, in reverse order of the things that made me happy:

1. I finally got to have my belated birthday dinner at our favourite all-you-can-eat sushi place. I attempted to eat myself catatonic but failed. I am now just bloated from raging hormones and excessive salt intake. It was totally worth it though. Baby was obnoxiously rude today which really tried my patience but that will soon pass. I just hope our two friends aren't too annoyed that she told them she was going to return their wedding gift because she could get it free on points and is planning to use the money towards her china set instead. I told her that she was being tacky but she dug herself deep into that hole. Then she felt guilty. She blamed me for making her feel guilty but that just rolled right off.

2. I spent half an hour on the phone with Capitaine le Vomi. He called me after lunch and we chatted about the usual randomness. Honestly, I can't figure out that guy. Perhaps I shouldn't try. Friends it is, until he notifies me otherwise.

3. Received a text message from The Crush. He has been sick for most of the week since his client's funeral. We went back and forth a bit during dinner when I finally got fed up and told him I would call him after dinner. He sent a cryptic message and I replied with "okay so I shouldn't call you?" He sent another cryptic message and I lost my patience. Told him that he was the one playing games with me, that I was turning my phone off for the remainder of dinner and would call him afterward if he was lucky. I didn't. Sent him a text to find out if he needed anything and told him to feel better soon. Poor guy has to be at work at 8 am. But really, I'm tired of his indecisive crap as well. Friends, until he notifies me otherwise.

One thing that really did not make me happy was finding out at 5 pm that three drilling jobs scheduled for next week have been canceled. I had planned to work all next weekend and they were going to pay for my VISA bill and Montreal trip. I hate when that happens.

Oh well, more food tomorrow. I'm attempting a new apple crumble recipe for Baby's Christmas dinner. Hopefully it doesn't suck.

Gruntled

Ugh, I feel so gruntled today. I don't know what's wrong with me. Hormones maybe? I feel edgy and restless and exhausted and unfulfilled. I'm leaving in less than 2 weeks and I should have a crapload of work to do but I can't seem to get into it. Maybe I'll take tomorrow off and be a bum. After all, that's what I did all day yesterday. I went to work today but there wasn't too much for me to do. I don't want to spend any time with any of my friends either. I had dinner with J tonight and that was okay but only because he's low maintenance and doesn't require much conversation. Why can't I find a man like that? Just a guy who wants to have dinner and watch the game with me. Seriously, is that too much to ask??

Ugh, I'm going to bed.

Monday meh

It occurs to me how anticlimactic this Montreal trip was. It was supposed to be different. Maybe not better, but there was supposed to be a more conclusive outcome. Wasn't there?

Nothing happened today. The Crush's "Will touch base w/u 2moro" didn't materialize. Surprise, surprise. Oh, I messaged The Other Guy asking if we should be facebook friends again after Friday night's vomit fiasco. He said yes on the basis that he clearly needs someone to periodically swab the decks. I am changing his name to Captain Vomit. He's a pirate. He probably thinks that makes me his wench.

Wait, there was one minor event this afternoon. I had coffee with my American buddy from school. He asked me if I would have dated him had he been single when we met. I refused to answer on the basis that there is nothing to be gained from hypothetical conjecture. Plus, his wife is lovely and I'm annoyed that he would even ask. I punched him which he took to be a good sign. Then I said "you interpret that whichever way will make you happiest my dear" which he took as a bad sign.

Montreal highlights and lowlights

I just spent 2 hours on the phone with The Other Guy. I really like talking to him. Enough that The Crush's company pales in comparison. Here are the weekend highlights. And some very lowlights.

Friday
Made good time to Montreal with the princesses. Road trip was fun but was very nervous at prospect of seeing The Other Guy.
Got upgraded to an outrageously awesome suite.
Looked hot.
Went to a gorgeous apartment in the gay neighbourhood for drinks.
The Other Guy was there. It was marginally uncomfortable but I distracted myself by playing with the hostess's teacup Yorkshire terrier.
Went to La Mouche. Danced with fabulously hot stomp dancer. Talked to a tall, dark and handsome man briefly.
The Other Guy got wasted, was obnoxious, hitting on me and everyone else, including the hostess with the teacup Yorkshire terrier. Her boyfriend and his entourage was unimpressed. As was I.
Shouldered the responsibility of getting him home before he got us all kicked out and/or in a fight with the guys we were with. Missed out on saying goodnight to tall, dark and handsome man.
While in the cab and on the walk home, The Other Guy proposed marriage and some other unsavoury (albeit interesting) things. Was too focused on making sure he remained upright to pay any real attention.
Spent the next two hours making sure he didn't aspirate his own vomit and mopping up said vomit. It's hard to roll a 167 lb man onto his side.
Called The Crush. He showed up with their friend The Player to rescue me. Was profusely grateful.
Got back to my hotel at 4.30 am.

Saturday
Woke up and dealt with the aftermath of Friday night.
Went to breakfast with The Crush and our respective entourages while The Other Guy stayed home. Spoke to him on the phone though and filled in some gaps.
Walked halfway across downtown (uphill to St Laurent) in search of bagels. Only realized after an hour that The Crush had not actually GoogleMapped the address and had only a vague idea of where he was taking us.
Put the pissed off princesses in a cab and went back to the hotel for a nap.
Got ready for Saturday night. Looked *OUTRAGEOUSLYHOT*. Seriously.
Went to a fabulous sushi place. Was reminded that The Other Guy tried to kiss the hostess with the teacup Yorkie.
Played bad cop and uninvited The Other Guy. Felt shitty. Was not sufficiently entertained by The Crush to take my mind off it.
Went to W. Felt inhibited by The Crush's sister. Not that there was anything specific. Just felt unflirty while she was sitting next to him.
Danced with stomp dancer from Friday night. Felt significantly better. Got very sweaty. Ended up having a great time.

Sunday
Woke up, packed, rolled out after successfully locating the bagel place on St Viateur.
Made it home in good time but all the while missing The Other Guy and disappointed that I didn't get to see him after Friday.
Exchanged text messages with The Crush. He was too tired to come over tonight.
Watched a ton of CSI NY while trying not to fall asleep.
Received phone call from The Other Guy at 10.30 pm.
Talked and laughed. A lot. Felt confused but happy. Sort of.
Hung up phone at 12.30.
Wrote blog entry.

Sigh. Why are men so useless? Scumbags even? He was sufficiently thankful and sorry for the Friday night fiasco. But I'm more disappointed that the chemistry with The Crush seems to be dying. It may be related to his general disorganization and lack of planning. Also, he still doesn't make me laugh.

I'm not sure if I can be friends with The Other Guy. He does things to me. Makes me laugh and miss him. I guess I have feelings for him and I don't think I can handle a friendship at this point. If I ever speak to him again, I may have to tell him that. Is it okay for me to tell him that? Plus, it's not really fair to The Crush. Maybe I shouldn't be dating him either. Maybe I'm not really even dating him! We're definitely sliding into the friend zone. Perhaps it's time for a boy hiatus.

Overstimulated and antisocial

I'm back from Montreal. It was stupid, ridiculous, fun, exhausting and, a couple of times, I regretted going. There is much to tell but there was little to no progress (regression even?) on the boy front - which I know is the only thing interesting about the entire weekend. However, I'm not even making phone calls tonight because I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I might feel like writing more after some TV. And it's freakin' cold here. I'm not impressed.

Don't read them all at once

So, for those of you not using a reader or feed, between last night and this morning, three new blog entries to keep you entertained while I party a Montreal.

Permanent link to this comic: http://xkcd.com/513/

Did I mention I'm meeting The Crush's baby sister tomorrow? This could be the kiss of death for my new, would-be bicycle. Fish has a new bicycle too. http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/
I hope I get to at least push my bicycle around the block for Christmas. I don't need to ride it! Maybe just ring the bell? Or maybe he could ring mine....

Ring my beeeeell, ellll, elllll, ring my bell, my bell, dingalingaling!

Size... what?

Wait, there was one other thing. I read Orange Bandage's post just now and remembered something that happened today. http://orangebandage.blogspot.com/2008/12/cant-sleep.html
I would have remembered in the morning. It's just the way my brain processes information.

I commented on her post today that I have body image issues. They're not serious but they're bad enough that I have been eating considerably less since I was called chubby in October. Rationally, I realize in my head that I'm not actually fat. Sure, I could lose 10 pounds and not be unhealthy. Whether I should or not, I can't say anymore. I would prefer to be 20 pounds lighter but I am slowly learning to accept that my body is okay. I have upper body strength which is important for a single girl living alone. I have breasts which I have become attached to. I have a perky ass which is important. And I have abs under the flab (mental note, do some pilates tomorrow). I'm told I am pretty and I can see that objectively I'm not hideous. I think I'm funny looking though. I wish I was a beautiful skinny girl with large boobs and a tiny waist and a perfect ass and long straight arms and legs. If only wishing would make it so.

Two things happened today.

Baby called me at work today and asked if she could borrow one of my dresses for her Christmas party. I laughed because a) I have like 2 dresses in my closet and b) she could fit into my clothes twice. Or so I thought. Granted, she's shorter than me but she fit into my university graduation dress perfectly. I really thought I was significantly bigger than her. She fit into a couple of other dresses really well too. One that I haven't worn since 2002 and another that I haven't worn since high school. Not because they don't fit. But they're a little dated and I never wear floor length dresses. Anyway, clearly I was wrong about our respective sizes.

My friend in the painted pink dress tried on a pair of jeans today. Size 6 Boyfriend 77 antique wash jeans at American Eagle. I bought two pairs last week and dropped them off for hemming. When I tried them on at the seamstress, she said I looked like a size 2 or 4 and wanted to try them on herself. When she said the size 4 was too small but the size 6 fit perfectly, I almost fell over. I have always thought that she was much, much tinier than me. Granted, she's several inches taller so she is proportionately smaller. But I thought she was actually smaller around than me. She always looks amazing in dresses whereas I think I have a kangaroo pouch. I have been jealous of her for years.

I'm not sure what to do with this information just yet. I'm tired and my brain needs time to process it. It might be the beginning of a breakthrough. I'm not entirely sure yet. But I think I can make some body image progress with it. Slowly. Very slowly.

Not feeling it

Ugh, I'm exhausted and haven't started packing or cleaning yet. Ugh. I'm really not mentally prepared for a weekend of hard partying, binge drinking and uncontrolled spending. On a slightly more positive note, I've decided which outfits to bring with me and didn't have to spend any money doing it. I think I'm going conservative clubby with a loose but low cut black chiffon tank top on Friday night for La Mouche and my classic black and white strapless number on Saturday for Buona Notte. Over jeans, naturally. The backup outfit is my LBD but I'd prefer to save that for The Crush's Christmas party in two weeks.

The girls almost convinced me to buy the crazy outrageously hot black pantsuit that I saw over a month ago. Actually, they did convince me and it wasn't until I took it to the seamstress in the mall that we realized there were tears down the back of the right calf where someone had obviously tried it on with stilettos. I'm glad I got a refund. I would have had a serious case of buyer's remorse when I got my credit card bill in a few weeks. It's bad enough that my bill this month is three times what it normally is because of my vehicle registration fee, plane ticket and myriad wedding-related charges.

Anyway, it looks as though the boys are joining us for dinner on Saturday. I hope they actually show up. I could care less about his entourage but it would be nice if The Crush was with me. I'm not anxious to see The Other Guy but I'll just have to deal with that when it happens. Hopefully with drink firmly in hand.

Two phone calls in one night!

I almost forgot to blog today. I think that means my mental state is distinctly more happy than normal. The Crush called me twice this evening! I didn't hear from him all day so I dropped him an email at the close of (regular people) business hours and he responded quite quickly. Said he was working late, as usual, but would call me later. And he did! I texted him to let him know I managed to escape from the office at 7 and my first phone call came through at 8.30! I'm so impressed! Mind you, he literally called me, talked my ear off breathlessly for 10 minutes and then said he would call back. Turns out he's one of those chatty drunks. Not that he was drunk. Just a little buzzed. He said he would call me later which I fully expected him not to do. But he did! Two hours later! And we actually talked like normal people for half an hour! Too many exclamation marks.

Anyway, Montreal is likely to be a gong show but I'm still looking forward to it. So the plan for Thursday. Should I be aloof and pretend he doesn't exist and not contact him? Or should I take advantage of the slight anxiety he is likely to be feeling knowing that we're going to see The Other Guy and send him (The Crush) an email and ask him to have dinner with me in the evening just because we know Montreal is likely to be a gong show? Stupid dating games.

He loves me, he loves me not

I wish boys knew that saying "I'll call you later" or "I'll call you in a bit" is girl secret code for "I will stay up til unreasonable hours wondering what you're doing". I get that he's unreliable and that "later" means "not today". On the one hand, he's not playing the usual games. He texted me last night, this morning, this afternoon and then called me to talk. Tonight I was the one who was busy and didn't have time to talk. I feel guilty because I knew as soon as I heard it on the news this morning that one of his major clients passed away. Instead of caving in to peer pressure, I should have said no to the mall and gone straight home via the grocery store. I was exhausted after less than an hour shopping because I didn't sleep properly last night. I wasn't in the mood to spend any money. And I was with a colleague that is best in small doses. What was I thinking? The next two nights will definitely be spent at home. Unless my energy level miraculously rebounds.

Fortunately I have real work to do and that is also making me productive in the thesis department.

Now if I could just stop thinking about The Other Guy. Wondering what he's doing, if he misses me too, if I will even see him this weekend. Whether he will try to make me laugh or just be civil and cool. Whether I will be cool or awkward and weird. When I think about past incidents, I realize that he was condescending towards me. And I *hate* that because I am fundamentally a humble person and have a tendency to think first that perhaps I am the one who has made a mistake and the other person was right. I think what I miss most is the attention. He was very, very good at giving me his undivided attention. He was so focused and attentive and observant. It felt nice. I want someone to be *that* into me. But I want it to be sincere and genuine and sustainable. Argh. Asking too much.

I would also really like a hug from The Crush. Maybe even to hold hands. Is that too much to ask? I don't need a make out session. Just some face time and a minor personal space violation.

Catlady spinster

I'm feeling inarticulate.

The Crush is a busy, busy guy. I want to be with someone who has time for me. That probably sounds crazy because of how much time we spent together this weekend. And I was very happy that he sent me a text message this evening when I was trying to be aloof and make him chase me. But then he didn't have time to talk because he was going to see a house with his friend the real estate agent. Why am I so goddamn picky??

I miss The Other Guy. I'm nervous about seeing him next weekend. I hope I can keep it together and be chill and dignified and carefree. What is wrong with me??

My former Valentine called me this evening. We talked for an hour. I really miss that guy. He didn't speak to me for a year and now we're back to talking about sex and backup plans and relationship crap. He was drunk and I cried. He doesn't know that I cried. Maybe he cried too and I don't know it.

I'm going to end up alone. Aren't I?

PS Asshat, where are you?