Humpy Halloween

How can it only be Wednesday night?? This week is taking forever to end. And not just because I'm turning 30 on Saturday and can't wait :) My last post should have been called "Weekend High". I must be losing it.

He finally asked about X today. Today I was over at X's parents house. Drove his mother home from the hospital and then put up her Halloween decorations while she made dinner. X and I manned the door while she ate and sat with the dog who is 13.5 years old and may not have another Halloween. Mr. X is in the hospital having his bone marrow replaced. He should have been home already but he has a Clostridium difficile infection and is in isolation. They won't let him come home until he has been diarrhea-free for 48 hours. Mrs. X is so strong and matter-of-fact that I have no idea how she copes. I hope I never have to be in her shoes. Perhaps she is stubborn and has a one-track mind. Perhaps she understands that she can't change anything so she just has to manage. Perhaps she cries herself to sleep every night. I would. I can't think of anything I wouldn't do for that family.

I'm not sure what I'll tell the mysterious guy about X. That he treats me more like his little sister than his ex. That I broke up with him because he was never going to be the man I needed in my life. That I'm not attracted to him anymore and haven't been for years. That usually, when we spend time together, I realize I'm better off alone than spending the rest of my life with him. That I still believe, if I'm not good enough for him, maybe I'm not good enough for anyone? I don't know. I guess I'll figure that out when we talk tomorrow.

As for Halloween, I'm glad that it happened, even if it was a bit stressful. We had one little blue princess who took one look at the dog and started yelling "Doggie! DOGGIE!" at the top of her lungs. Fortunately, Mrs. X was holding her (the dog, not the princess) so a near disaster was averted. And then, after X gave her the standard ration of two chocolate bars, she reached into the box and took another one! We all laughed but my nerves were a bit on edge. I can only imagine how the poor dog must have felt. I think the little blue princess had dipped into her candy stash a bit early!

I'm tired. My tummy hurts. I just want to go to bed but I don't think sleep will come easily tonight. I wish I was with the mysterious guy instead of being home alone but I have an early lab day tomorrow and it's better this way.

Weekend happy

This morning, I had screaming nightmares. There was a young girl who was sick. I was in a house full of female relatives screaming for help but nobody came. Eventually, I did CPR on her but she was dead. That was when I woke up.

I don't want to go to bed. I'm not scared of the nightmares but maybe if I'm really tired, they won't happen.

We had a pretty good weekend. I finally called him on Saturday afternoon and we had dinner and watched a couple of crappy movies (Spiderman 3 and Mr Brooks) and ate some amazing cheesecake and canolis. Then I had a stomach ache all night so we were both tired on Sunday. We had dim sum followed by grocery shopping and more TV while he played poker on his blackberry. He made dinner and we ate too much again. I love to watch him cook. I'd rather watch him cook than watch anything else, I think. Well, perhaps I could alternate watching him cook with watching rain falling outside. It's beautiful and masculine and thoroughly captivating.

Oh yeah, I also got high! I tried it for the first time last weekend and I didn't feel anything. At least, I didn't realize I was feeling anything because it was so mild. But this time, I smoked a lot more and it was interesting although I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. I got all tingly and sleepy and, at one point, I couldn't feel my arms anymore. I had another small puff on Sunday and that's about manageable for me. I was just a tiny bit tingly after that. It makes sense because I am sensitive to caffeine and alcohol and sugar. So another check mark against the list of things to do before I'm 30. I don't think there's actually anything else.

Exhausted

I'm completely exhausted today. I drove to Markham for a pumpkin party. And, while the pumpkin carving didn't leave me completely exhausted this year (I designed my own teapot stencil), the drive did. It was foggy and dark and I need my bed and my water pillow.

He finally called this afternoon and woke me up from my nap. Perhaps he wasn't avoiding me and was just busy. He didn't get home til 2 am after he went out with the girls but he assures me that the adulterous threesome didn't happen. I have missed him this week. Am I nuts?

Control freak

When I get scared, I become paralyzed. I can't seem to do anything. I can't bring myself to leave the house or do some work or call someone or even think straight. Why? Because I'm a control freak. And, more than anything else in the world, relationships scare me because they are so completely out of my control. And that is why I am so profoundly affected when things don't go the way that I want. I think this might be a breakthrough day for me. I get that I'm scared, but I never really clearly understood why. I'm starting to understand that I just have to let go. If he hasn't called, if I think he's avoiding me, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't rehearse conversations in my head in preparation for when he eventually does call. I can't plan for the things he might say. It doesn't help to imagine all the things he could be doing to hurt me. So I just have to wait patiently. That is the hardest thing of all. I'm the girl that can take care of herself because, if I want something, I just go and do it. I can do that for myself. But I can't make anyone do that for me. So I have to suck it up and just get up off my terrified ass and go and do all of the things that I had planned for today. That's all I can do. I think I understand that now.

Baby, where you at?

"Baby where you at - I just recognized I’m living life alone
Baby where you at - I just, I just , wish you’d call me
Damn this phone"
-- Joe feat. Papoose

I think he's avoiding me. I wish I knew what it is about me that turns men off. It can't just be the sex. Can it? If that's the case, what's the point of waiting to have sex if he's just going to disappear anyway? I'd rather figure that out sooner rather than later. Maybe that makes me stupid. I just wish he would call.

How did I get here again? I'm so sick of waiting for the phone to ring. I'm tired of being single. Maybe I'm just tired and remembering how good it felt to be taken care of on Sunday. I should stop listening to songs that make me sad.

We're not going to Vancouver in November. At least, I'm not going with him. I'm starting to dread my birthday. I was so happy about turning 30 and going to the Bahamas for a week. Now I just want it to be over. I just want to fast forward to the following Monday. I was going to go home for the holidays but I don't think I want to be there with both parents and sibling. I wonder if I can use my Air Canada credit on a package deal. After all, I don't need a man to take me to Jamaica.

He loves me, he loves me not

He said "I love you today". He was joking. We had just finished lunch (the second meal of the day he cooked for me) and I was going to do the dishes when the dryer beeped. He said he would do dishes if I did the sheets. I'm not sure why he doesn't like to make the bed. Fitted sheets are so easy. When I told him I was going to do the sheets anyway, he said "I love you". I forget my response. I think I gave him the eyebrow and rolled my eyes before taking the sheets out of the dryer. I might have said "you're such an ass" but I might only have thought it. He laughed.

Perhaps that all sounds horrible but it was funny. We had a great weekend. Saturday morning was dim sum followed by a movie and a non-nap. He called me a suction cup. I got my hair done and then we went off to a black tie event at the Royal York. He said I looked fine when we left the apartment. And later that night, he told me again that I looked great. He looked good too. The food was good, his coworkers were fun, the silent auction was a disaster but only because he's stubborn and impulsive. We danced together and laughed together and didn't get drunk. The best part was getting home before midnight and taking all 90 bobby pins out of my head. When I got out of the shower and was brushing my teeth in my pajamas, he said "you look great". I was so touched. I really think I'm crazy about him. He takes my breath away.

Today we had breakfast and lunch and watched a movie and did some work. We sat on the balcony and looked through the telescope and cleaned some old clothes out of his closet. It was comfortable and easy and would have been the perfect Sunday if we had rounded it out with dinner. We didn't leave the apartment at all. We did laundry and vacuumed and dishes and made out. The Scrabble game was brutal and made me feel stupid. And the play fighting got a little rough but it's nice to know he has that kind of energy at his age. He took care of me beyond anything I could have expected. He made sure I ate with all of my painkillers. Asked me if I was okay when I put my hand on my stomach. It might be time to start thinking of a name for this blog. Is that going to jinx it?

Happy birthday Mr. Rebound

First, I want to acknowledge this wonderful blog I accidentally stumbled across today.
http://www.notestoself.us/2007/10/ring-of-fire.html

I just wrote the most stunningly boring blog entry and then deleted it.

Birthday plans for the evening include leftover Thai food, some drugs (Neo-citran, Advil Cold & Sinus and chicken soup - okay not a drug but whatever), a chick flick and early to bed for the birthday boy. I had planned to take over a bottle of 2004 Dr. Loosen that I had been saving for a special occasion but he probably won't even be able to taste it. We can drink it next week maybe. I didn't get him a gift for his birthday, as per his request. But his friend sent me the photos he took two weekends ago so I cropped them and made them black and white with borders. I bought a cheap frame in case he decides he likes one of them enough to frame it. If he doesn't, I'll keep the frame and put one up myself. He is so sexy, I love just looking at him.

Poetry by J

Today J sent me this poem when I suggested he send me some unsolicited advice. I have changed the mysterious guy's name to protect his identity. Suffice it to say, it rhymes with "man"...

Stan Stan,
the rebound man
he's high
not dry
he's crude
and rude
talks about a wedding
but he just wants a beddin'
he's fun
but dumb
bold
but old
charming,
but alarming
he's Stan Stan,
the rebound man....

Happy Sunday

J is calling the mysterious guy "Mr. Replacement" or "Mr. Rebound" so I'm going to try those on for this blog entry. We had dinner today and it was like a real date. And then he gave me the most mind blowing orgasm I have ever experienced.

Conversation at dinner (Roll-San, Chinatown)

Mr. Rebound: do you think the filling of this dumpling was just this morning's siu mai that didn't get used?
Me: um, okay, I'm not going to eat that now (!) jackass.

10 minutes later...
Mr. Rebound: are you not going to eat the rest of your dumpling?
Me: No!
(Mr. Rebound picks up dumpling filling and eats it)
Me: I dunno Mr. Rebound, you're blurring the boundaries here. That was a very couple thing to do. (Shakes head)
(Mr. Rebound ponders this statement while chewing)
Mr. Rebound: Well, so what do you want out of this thing anyway?
Me: We are NOT having this conversation right now. You know, the neon fish in the window is kinda cute in a tacky Chinatown way.
Mr. Rebound (laughing): Well, you know, one day hopefully I might smarten up.
Me: Oh yeah? How so?
Mr. Rebound: Do I have to draw you a big fucking picture?
Me: Yes Mr. Rebound, yes you do. (rolls eyes and changes the subject)

5 minutes later...
Mr. Rebound: So what do you want out of this thing anyway?
(Me with mouth full puts up two fingers)
I think this is when he inserted some random comments about how things aren't just hunky dory until you get married and then they go to shit but I wasn't really paying attention (because the m word freezes my brain over, apparently) and he wasn't making a great deal of sense.

2 minutes later...
Me: So are you saying you want me to be around when you smarten up or would you rather I was gone?
Mr. Rebound: Woman, do I have to draw you a big fucking picture or what?
Me (laughing): You're so annoying, you know that? Jerk.

It seems that Mr. Rebound may be softening up a bit. And that is exactly where he should be.

I left my pillow behind

Thursday night, he called me well after I had gone to bed. About 1.30 am. He was sending me mixed messages but he was wasted so I went over there because I was worried. And because I can't go back to sleep once I've been woken up. He was well and truly wasted. So I put him to bed and alternately dozed with him or on the couch. I had horrifying nightmares so I didn't sleep past about 4 am. I can't even say what they were about because they were too disturbing. Every time he stopped snoring, I got up to check that he was still breathing. And he was still drunk when he woke up in the morning.

He was pretty obnoxious but I was still laughing. He did remember asking me to go to a gala event with him next Saturday. He asked me three times. I think I'll wait until I can speak to him when he's sober to confirm that he actually wants me to be there. I have a feeling he will change his mind. We're also booked (in his blackberry!) to spend Thursday evening together. His birthday. I don't have any plans because I have class til 9 but I have a feeling he'll bail on that as well. I don't know why I think that but I think this thing is going to fizzle out by the end of this weekend.

Last night, his cousin was in town. He said that his cousin didn't want "girlfriends" out with them that night and just wanted to spend some alone time together. It took me a couple of hours to see through that one because I was offended that his cousin would rule out my company before even meeting me. It didn't occur to me until I got home that it wasn't his cousin who didn't want me there. There were a series of frustrating, confusing text messages from both him and his cousin and I finally gave up and went to bed at 11. I turned my phone off that time. When I woke up at 3 am, there were four text messages and one voice mail so I phoned back and he was already asleep.

I got a call this morning to possibly do something this evening. But that fell through as well because he's working til midnight and tomorrow morning. He did say he was hoping to have tomorrow afternoon off but he didn't ask me to spend it with him and I didn't ask. I'd rather not make tentative plans and then have them fall through. It's easier not to have expectations.

It's hard to keep reminding myself that I shouldn't have expectations. J told me that he sounds like the ideal rebound guy. But I don't want him to be a rebound. I really hope this doesn't crash and burn. Fuck, I'm an idiot - there's the h word again. I wish this was different but it's time to face reality. I think it's time to start expecting the worst. That he's done with me; he's taken what he needs that I was perfectly willing to give. At least I'm not particularly attached to that pillow.

Quiet early morning

I'm awake early again but for a different reason than yesterday. Yesterday, I was lying in bed and realized I was wide awake. It was still dark out. So I got up and did some stuff. And then I napped for a large portion of the evening. Today, I'm awake because I slept over at the mysterious guy's. Because of the combination of nap and sleeping with him, I only got about 2 hours real sleep last night. He started tossing and turning around 4 am and, after he woke me up, I couldn't fall back asleep again. He snored last night too for the very first time. It was still a relatively good night though considering I napped in the evening. I spent some of it just watching him. That sounds creepy but it's true. Watching and thinking, "do I really like this guy?" And he gave me a Hugo Boss tshirt that he doesn't wear anymore. Every time I put it on, I'll remember the way his hands felt running down my breasts and stomach. I have goosebumps right now.

He's starting to feel a bit less mysterious. The bodily functions I overheard during his shower made me chuckle a bit. It's nice that he's so comfortable around me, even if it makes me think "he's such a guy". On the other hand, he does ask my opinion about his outfits which is sweet. He also bit my ass this morning which is something B used to do. I really hope it doesn't bruise. When I left, he asked if I was going to leave my pillow behind. I wanted to, just as a way to leave my presence in the apartment, and a pillow is much less temporary than a pink toothbrush. But I also need all four of my pillows every night. Okay, I really only need three but maybe I'm not ready for that kind of permanence yet.

I found that I missed him during the day yesterday. Mostly because I had nothing to do. But I was very happy when he phoned me late last night. It was most definitely a booty call but I'm okay with that. One of his coworkers from London stayed with him last night so I'm wondering if the cat is out of the bag now but I'm sure he will be discreet. I wouldn't want our mutual friend to find out. Even though she did suggest the mysterious guy as a possible date option at lunch on Monday, I'm still not ready for her to find out that we're knocking boots. There are a few things that could potentially drive me nuts about him. He drinks too much, works too much, smokes weed and is a little too loud in the morning for my sensitive soul.

I really do like him though. There, I said it. I'm officially invested.

Happy

It's the end of the weekend and, for a change, I'm happy. Maybe that's because it's actually Monday night and not Sunday. But the real reason is because I went for a walk with the mysterious guy tonight and he held my hand and talked to me and asked me about my thesis work and complimented my brain. If this goes on for much longer, I'll have to come up with a better name than "the mysterious guy". But I think I'll wait a bit and see what, if anything develops.

I really do like him a lot. I hope that doesn't wear off too quickly.

You, I like

I was thinking of making this list earlier tonight and then was inspired by Fish to write this letter.

Dear You

When my phone rings, I jump and think "I'll be disappointed if this is not You calling". Because whenever You call me, I smile, just because You're You.

These are the things I like about You:

I like that You make me laugh so effortlessly.
I like that You get excited when my shirt comes off.
I like how affectionate You are when we're alone together.
I like how attentive You are to my moods even when You're stressed and frazzled.
I like that You can put up with my crap when it doesn't matter and also not take my crap when it does.
I like that You cooked me breakfast this morning.
I like how You feel when we're both soapy and wet.
I like the way You look at me when You think I'm not looking.
I like that You dance with me when we're at a club.
I like that You open doors for me.
I like that You're hiding the "hopeless romantic" under that rough exterior.
I like the sound of Your laugh.
I like that You can laugh at Yourself.
I like that You worry.
I like that You don't take things too seriously.
I like that You are considerate enough to think about clean towels.
I like that You held onto my toothbrush.
I like Your taste in clothes and furniture and things that really matter like shoes.
I like how comfortable and secure I feel in Your arms.
I like that You're not afraid to ask for what You want.
I like it when You flip me over or around or any of the other innumerable things You do to me that nobody else has ever done.
I like lying next to You when you're sleeping.
I like the way Your breathing sounds when You're fast asleep.
I like that You call when You say You're going to call.
I like that You say the little things to me that cost You nothing but mean so much to me.

Even though there's no commitment and no discussion of next week or next month, even though I barely know You, I hope I get to find out all the other things I like about You. And hope is not something I do really well.

Like,
Me

Great expectations

Is it possible to have good sex and good conversation with the same person? With the same man? I'm starting to think it isn't possible. There were a few people who I thought had potential. The deadbeat ex drug-dealer last summer. He was fun and funny and good in bed. But he only wanted to have sex once a week, if that. Then there was my former Valentine who could make me laugh but didn't make a move for months and then, when he did, he couldn't get it up. B who seems to be a perfect physical match but could care less about my brain.

I feel like such an idiot. I haven't heard from B all day. And I've been waiting. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed for most of the day, let alone leave the house or do any work. And nothing. Not even a response to the birthday message. I am so stupid. How did I get here? All I want to do is cry and sleep and put an end to everything. I feel so alone and unwanted and unlovable and miserable. I'm not hungry but I know I should eat. But I can't bring myself to make anything or go out and pick something up. I can't even bring myself to leave my apartment to have a cigarette. It's a good thing I have class tomorrow otherwise I wouldn't leave the house til Friday. I wish I could stop crying. I hate it when my face gets puffy and I get dehydrated. Somebody please shoot me.

Why is self-respect so elusiv?

B called me today. He had some things to say and I listened after I was done being angry and sarcastic with him. Some things about himself. Some things he had learned.

He wanted me to let him prove to him that he can make me happy. So I said okay. And I told him that the only reason I was going to let him continue to try was because I didn't want to make the same mistake with him as I did with X - letting him think things were unfixable when what I really wanted was for him to fix things.

But a couple of hours later, I realize there's another reason: What if nobody else ever loves me?

I need a hug... and a lobotomy

I should never have let him come over on Sunday. It was awful. He said he had things to say to me, that he didn't want us to break up but he choked on Saturday. So I let him come by and he still had nothing significant or meaningful to add. Just "I love you so much" and "this relationship is hard" and "I want us to be together" but no attempt to sacrifice or compromise or even discuss how we're supposed to make it work. I showed him the door after he wouldn't leave.

And then I felt like shit about that so I offered to drive him to the airport. I also sent him a long email last night saying all the things I left unsaid because I was waiting for him to speak. He read it and said we would talk today on the way to the airport. But, if possible, he had even less to say this morning. When I got home from the airport, I started writing an email when a long one came in from him. He was waiting and thinking at the departure gate. It hurts me that he can't say all those things to me in person but can write them in an email. It makes me doubt the sincerity of his emotions. I don't want a man that can't fight for what he says he wants when given so many more chances than he deserves. I don't want a man that can't look me in the eye when he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me.

So it's done. It's over. It's for the best. I did everything I could and much more than he deserved and he chose to let go, even though he promised me he wouldn't.

I spent most of the day sleeping but I'm heading out in an hour for drinks with an older friend. Several years ago, she was my mentor and adviser and has a sensible head on her shoulders. Maybe she will have something enlightening to add but what I really need is the late night company and then to come home and go straight to bed so I can have a productive day tomorrow.

The mysterious guy called me to check in. How crappy must B have behaved this weekend that one phone call from the mysterious guy could make me feel good for a few minutes? Men are such monkeyfuckers. He asked if he could keep calling me and I said of course. He has ruined me for all other men so he might as well be the only one calling me.

I realized something this weekend. I decided I would not willingly put myself in situations that I thought would make me feel stupid or foolish or humiliated. That is the most I can do to control the stupid feeling right now. The thing about the mysterious guy, yes I should have known better than to sleep with him but I had no control over his mistakes. So there's really no point feeling stupid about his actions. I'm not angry at him so I guess I have forgiven him for the mistakes he made. Given my frame of mind at the time, I think I can forgive myself for my actions. So it's time to move on from that as well.