Random update

Conversation between me and the Manfriend:

Me: Does the fact that I still get excited to see you mean we are still in the honeymoon phase? I wonder if that will wear off eventually. Anyway, yay :)

MF: You’ll be sick of me soon. Don’t worry.

Me: Unlikely. It’s been 7 months and I still smile when I think about you. Sorry, mushy crap over. Must be baby Jesus’s fault! :)

MF: That’s it, blame Jebus. Heathen.

LOL.

I'm thinking of switching to Wordpress so I can blog from my iPhone. Thoughts?

Happy Canada Day!

Things are much improved in the last few days. Turns out I'm still completely neurotic. The living room is considerably less full of boxes. And I managed to install shelves in my closets, almost all by myself! I'm pretty proud of myself for doing that. Anyway, I still need a lot of furniture and to somehow install the blinds I bought at IKEA. I would like to continue purging but it's really hard to shed all the crap that collects over 30 odd years. I wish someone would come over and throw away random boxes when I wasn't looking. I'm talking to you, Seattle.

MFV is still being awkward and distant. As far as I'm concerned, that's officially over. As for the other, I was imagining things. This week has been good. Close, comfortable, filled with doggy love. His dog. His dog that jumps on my bed when we're napping on the couch and sheds all over it. Awesome. But he has such an adorable face that I can't say no. Both dog and owner. Fingers crossed it lasts a bit longer. Just a bit longer. That's all I'm asking for.

Homeowner

I'm back online. It turns out Bell can't provide me with internet service in my new building so I had to switch to Rogers. I finally set up my computer but the place is still a disaster. The living room is full of boxes and there's a lot of work to do. It turns out the work of a homeowner is never done. It's overwhelming and exhausting so I'm going back to bed for a nap. My coworker was supposed to get married today but dodged that bullet and is having a party to celebrate her singleness. It's going to be a long day. There's other stuff going on too. MFV moved here last weekend and I really don't want to see him or talk to him but I can't abandon him now. So much has happened in the last three months that I can't possibly begin to recap it all. It turns out we're totally incompatible as a couple. It's ironic how I can be sexually compatible with someone and not able communicate with him at all. Shades of Grey. Our communication really deteriorated in April and May and we haven't really spoken at all in June. He still thinks he can try but, the truth is, there is another. The other doesn't seem promising at the moment and the whole thing hurts my heart. At least I'm not homeless anymore.

I'm aware I have been MIA. I'm all kinds of miserable at the moment and I don't want to go into details. There isn't really a reason for the overwhelming misery. More like a coagulation of things which combine to make me wish I was at work all the time. And I'm not always happy when I'm there but it's hard to leave. I don't know why I can't just be happy. I like to think it will be easier when I finally close on my new place next weekend. But, for the moment, I sit on the streetcar fighting off tears and wearing my sunglasses at sunset. Like the batshit crazy old lady that I am.

I bought a condo

Conditions waive next week so I still have a lot of work to do... and buyer's remorse to experience. I'm tired. Very tired. But I have a great realtor. I heart him. I definitely could not have done this without him.

iPhone

I should have done this ages ago. I love it. I retract all the negative things I ever said about touchscreens. Whatever Apple is doing with the iPhone, they should keep doing it. I still don't find Macs very intuitive but it really is possible to be an iPhone PC girl :)

I hung out with my coworkers this evening and that was awesome too. If you ever get a chance to see a teeny-bopper band called the Calamities, it will be worth your money. The Late Shift is good too. Toronto Fire band Backdraft is good if you're looking for a late 80s Diet Pepsi commercial theme.

Meanwhile, MFV aced the San Fran interview and Toronto is tomorrow. Seattle is on Monday. Must spend weekend thinking of incentives for him to move here. Suggestions? NC-17 ideas only please...

Setback

I fired my realtor today. At least, I didn't *fire* him. I lied about my reasons for not seeing more places for the next couple of weeks. He has slipped a few times already and we have only been working together for 10 days. I don't intend to continue working with him. It's sorta like dating, I guess. I just want it to be over but I don't have the balls for the unpleasant honesty.

So there's a week gone in the quest to be not homeless. It feels like a setback but that's because I'm impatient and unhappy, unsettled and frustrated and lonely. I miss my shoes. And my bed. My pillow and sheets and kitchen utensils and did I already mention my shoes?

It's not really a setback though. I learned quite a few things. But I realize that I am officially a high-maintenance first-time home buyer. And I'm completely overwhelmed at the thought of doing this all on my own. MFV says I can talk to him but I can't. He's too busy at work to email me back and it's too late in the evening for us to have a reasonable conversation by the time he's home and has had dinner. I am tired and sad. I want him to move here so we can be together but I'm too scared to hope for that.

Fortunately work is an escape, though not having enough to do makes the time pass slowly. I think I have enough to do tomorrow that it should go by faster. And I think I'm going to get a new phone. I'm going to try out the iPhone for two weeks and if I can't handle the touch screen, the store manager will let me switch to the Blackberry. Many people tell me that I will never leave the iPhone once I get used to it. So I guess I have a date with my new iPhone tomorrow night. That, at least, feels like progress. I do need a new phone and, considering how much I am paying for just minutes now, I might as well get some fun stuff out of it.

Back to life, back to reality...

I know I haven't posted in a while. I sorry. The last week has been busy and stressful and lonely and good. I know I sound manic. I feel manic. Here are some highlights:

1. Started the new job. Week 1 was fine. I didn't really do any work but I'm okay with that. There was a lot of admin to do. Not to mention, I can't seem to shake this jetlag.

2. I miss MFV. This is hard. If only it had been a regular week for him but it wasn't. Half his company got laid off (the other half) this week and he has since started applying for other jobs. He has been besieged with headhunters which is great for his self-esteem. However, one job is in San Francisco, one is in Seattle (settle down there Seattle!) and one is here in Toronto. Should he choose one of the other two, I will probably not get out of bed for several days. I'm trying not to think about the job here because hope is a demon in my world and the dream of a life together in this city is too big a dream to lose.

3. I have been looking at condos. I can't afford anything. This sucks monkey balls. The one I really want and can afford is in an unregistered building. I know nothing about buying unregistered property. The other one I want a little bit is not in my price range and will likely sell for significantly more than the list price. Of course, I really want it but I'm pretending that I don't.

4. I keep trying to convince myself to be happy but it's not working. Someone please hit me over the head with a heavy object.

5. I can't decide between a Blackberry Bold 9700 and 16GB iPhone. I really want an Android phone (Google OS) with a BB interface (QWERTY keyboard and track pad) and fun little iPhone apps. I know, I'm too picky.

Ready

I'm ready. Ready to go back to work. Ready to buy a place. Ready to be a homeowner and make mortgage payments. Ready to pick out paint colours and buy furniture and tear my hair out trying to figure out how to replace carpet with laminate and how the hell baseboards work. I'm ready to get a dog and for MFV to move to Toronto and for us to live happily ever after. On balance, we have had a really great month together. Maybe part of the reason for that is because we knew that we might eventually not be together anymore. But I think a big reason is that we're right for each other. He still has a lot of growing to do. I have a bit of growing to do also. I really hope that we end up together but I accept that many things could change... or that nothing might change at all. Fingers crossed and eyes wide open. Better go to bed. 4 more sleeps until I get on a plane. He cried today. Sssshh, don't tell him I told you that!

Epiphany

Holy crap, I was just reading Love Cynicismand I just had an epiphany!

Relationships = Teamwork!

Damn. There's a lesson my parents didn't teach me.

Relationships

Relationships are strange things. I work hard and play hard and expect to savour the rewards of my efforts. But relationships don't work that way. It doesn't matter how hard you bust your ass. If you're with someone who is not also busting their ass.. well, then you're just a fool. You're also a fool if you date douchebags and think they're interesting and entertaining. I suppose I had to turn 30 to learn that lesson!

Anyway, I realize that my previous post made it seem as though I'm lonely in Vancouver but I really couldn't be happier. Yesterday, I spent a lovely, sunshiney afternoon on Granville Island. I met MFV for lunch, read a book on the dock, got a pistachio ice cream cone, shopped, met MFV for coffee and eventually wondered home for a late afternoon nap. Then I met one of my favourite girlfriends for dinner in Yaletown and she filled up my soul and left it overflowing for the next person. It was a really good day. It has been a really good few weeks. I needed the break. I needed to rest. I needed to reconnect with myself. I needed to enjoy myself. I have done all those things. This has maybe been the best few weeks of my post-grad student life.

The thing is, when you start a new relationship with your bestest friend in the whole world and you also happen to be living with that person, the slightest bit of distance or withdrawal doesn't go unnoticed. But because you're living with this person, even though you might be second-guessing everything he says, you can't deal with it the same way you normally would. You can't play hard to get or give him his space or wait for him to come to you. You have to continue with the things you have started doing every day. Like washing his cereal bowl and coffee mug. And doing the laundry and buying groceries for dinner and planning your weekend getaway. And spooning with him as he falls asleep. I'm not suggesting for a minute that I would rather be in the other situation - the one where I could retreat to my cave and wait for him to come get me - after all that has not worked out so well in the past for me! But it does present a slightly different challenge. Ah, the male ego...

I am still trying to figure out this little problem. How to be a gentle, caring, loving partner without smothering the poor guy. How to still be the fun BFF and not morph into my usual relationship neuroses monster. How to be okay with having sex even when I'm not feeling 100% connected and dealing with those feelings with the minimum of drama. It's tough. I haven't been in a real relationship for many years. Maybe I never was. I never really experienced any sort of emotional intimacy with X, even though he was my best friend. I have had plenty of physical intimacy in the last couple of years, thank you Grey. But we never connected on an emotional level, in fact very much the opposite with him pushing me away whenever I would start to get close.

This is different. Better. Much, much better. But strange new territory for me. He got mad at me the other night. It was a stupid, trivial argument. And while we have moved on, we haven't really dealt with it. I'm not sure what the issue is. Probably that I am a giant, raving, condescending beyotch. I should fix that.

However, it could also be temporary. If he doesn't find work in Toronto, we may never be together again after next weekend. I intend to make the most of the week we have left. He is my BFF after all.

Lonely

I'm homesick. My Twitter/facebook update would go something like this if I wasn't afraid of sounding too vulnerable in front of the whole world:

Missing the sound of the furnace kicking on, the water sloshing around in my pillow, the feel of my bamboo sheets against my legs, the zen view from the couch, the hum of the fridge, my bedside water carafe, blue LEDs in my computer, the knowledge that I can walk around in the dark with minimal risk of bodily injury... Which is not to say that I am unhappy. Just feeling alone in the Universe and disconnected from the things which normally comfort me.

But actually, I am unhappy. I bought two pairs of shoes today which almost makes up for this disconnected, discombobulated feeling. Almost. Something isn't right in the world. I know what it is. It's the reason I spent the latter part of this evening watching the hockey game with a glass of sauvignon blanc and my shopping bags in a bar on Davie Street. I don't know how to fix it though. These things are apparently quite beyond me. What I want most is to bolt. I'm really good at running away. But what if I run away and never come back?

Toronto

We made a decision today. We decided that I should accept the job in Toronto and we would try to make it work. He has applied to a couple of jobs and even bounced around the idea of a PhD. I am happy about the new job but sad to leave Vancouver again. I know I am going to be a wreck when it's time for me to leave him but I feel comforted that he cares enough to think about moving across the country so we can be together. Even if he's just lying to me to make me feel better.

On Tuesday night, we actually decided to stay in Vancouver. We flipped a coin and it came up heads. Since we're in Vancouver already, I decided that heads should be the default ie Vancouver. But it just didn't feel right. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I worked so hard for that job and then got it after so much drama and crap. It wouldn't have felt right not to take the opportunity. It didn't sit right with me and I spent all day Wednesday thinking about the woman I have become. That woman can't walk away from this job opportunity. She might be alone at 43 but she is always going to put her career over a man, especially a fledgling relationship, even though he is her BFF(WB).

So, I'm happy, if just for the moment. I am sure that it will be fleeting, if only because happiness in my life usually turns out to be elusive. But I have two weeks to enjoy our time together before I start feeling miserable and lonely again. And then the rest of my life to regret leaving him here to meet someone younger, hotter and better than me.

Always the optimist, never the butterfly.

Paralympics

Remember how I was all excited to volunteer at the Paralympics? Well, it has been less exciting than I anticipated. This is *not* the sound of me complaining. I am still totally psyched that I was given an awesome uniform (two long sleeved shirts, fleece vest, shell jacket, toque and snow pants). And, since I'm taking the bus up to Whistler from Vancouver for each shift (which is 2 hours each way), I got a back pack and a "Club 99" pin. And I got another free pin just because they were giving stuff away. I also got a travel mug which got me a free second shot of espresso in my latte this morning. And so far I have driven a Buick Enclave (leather seats, shiny wood paneling, OnStar, side mirrors that move when I put the car in reverse) and a Cadillac CTS something-or-other. I even got to drive the Buick back to Vancouver after my first shift. But I haven't actually driven any passengers and haven't really met anyone new and exciting. No hot Paralympian athletes making googly eyes at me in the rearview mirror. It's fine though, they're long days and I'm not sure I would know my way around if someone asked me to drop them off at some random restaurant in Whistler village. I am going to try and get tickets to some events, just in case I don't get any calls at all.

Procrastination

The other job called and emailed this morning while I was sleeping in on my last real day off. I haven't called or emailed back yet. I'm not sure why I'm putting this off. I wanted that job. The past tense being the key here. Do I still want that job? Do I want to live in Toronto? I'm happy here, but maybe it's because I'm homeless and crashing with MFV. This idyllic little setup can't last forever so eventually I'll be on my own again with all the regular anxiety and stress and loneliness. So, where would I rather be miserable? Here where it's rainy (which makes me happy) or there with my girlfriends (who at least fill the void sometimes). I should call the HR Manager back and find out what's going on. But first I'm going to take a long, hot shower and think.

Progress

I have made some progress since Monday morning. My group here in BC has given me a deadline of next Friday (that's March 19). If I don't have an offer from the other job in front of me next Thursday, I will just stay in Vancouver and be happy with that decision. In the meantime, I will be volunteering at the Paralympics as a driver up in Whistler. I have been scheduled for five 10-hour shifts every other day starting on Saturday. Plus 4 hours travel time from Vancouver and I'm going to be one very tired puppy. I probably won't see MFV a whole lot either since my shifts are from 2.30 pm to 12.30 am. I just hope I don't get stranded in Whistler! The last bus down to Vancouver is at 11.30 pm so I'm hoping that they let us out of these super late shifts a little early. If not, I guess I'm sleeping in the shuttle van!

I'm actually very excited about this. It's funny how things worked out. I actually thought on the flight to Vancouver, "well it's too late for me to volunteer for the Olympics but I wonder if they still need volunteers for the Paralympics?" For once the Universe is working in my favour. Thank you, Universe.

Still unemployed and homeless

Not that I was expecting anything to change over the weekend, but I'm still in my pjs at 11 am, sitting on MFV's couch not earning my keep. We're having lunch at noon (although I'm not sure how that will work since it's No Talking Mondays) which will likely be the highlight of my day. On Friday afternoon, I went to the office to talk to my group manager and they're thinking about putting me on the payroll temporarily starting next week. Apparently I am just not able to take time off like a normal person. I was inventing lists of things to do for myself last week. Today, (un)fortunately, I forgot to the sign back a page of the eleventy page background check form so I have to print, sign and courier it back to them this afternoon. Also, I got a call from the people who are organizing the Paralympic games yesterday and they are looking for volunteers so I'm hoping to get involved with that for a few days next week. Okay, I better put on my big girl pants so that I can at least have a productive afternoon.

Sunny and 8 degrees... and boring

Oh dear, I have taken one full day off and I'm bored out of my tree! Yesterday, I unpacked and got organized (I figure I will be here a while, regardless of which job offer I accept) and then I went to the beach and lay on a bench (and was chased off by a bunch of mean, angry old hobos) and read this book (thanks Seattle).

Just as I was writing that paragraph, I got a text message from a girlfriend to come over and hang out. I was going to make a list of things to do (groceries, laundry, download and photos, crossword puzzle etc) but now I guess I can procrastinate a bit longer :)

Seaside, OR

Probably one of my favourite places on the planet. If you come here, stay in unit 408 at the Seaside Beach Club Condos. The view from the picture window is mind blowing and I'm all warm and toasty under a blanket on the couch. MFV wants to go outside (he's never done this before) so I should hustle. And no Asshat, we have not eloped. But we haven't quite killed each other (yet) either. There's a whole day ahead of us though...

Homeless and unemployed

It's Friday morning at the end of a life-changing week. I'm sitting on Jesus' couch watching Olympic coverage. It's 9.30 am and I'm still in my pjs. I'm backing up my laptop in case I have to give it back while I'm in BC. My stuff is in Mr and Mrs Happy's basement - thank God for them - and my car is with Baby's friend which is also a relief. A couple of the grad students helped keep me sane on moving day which was one of the longest days of my life. So I am now officially homeless. I will be unemployed at the end of next week so I guess that makes me a hobo. I have decided to stay in Vancouver indefinitely until I make a decision about work. I figure it makes more sense to be there where it's warm and I can at least get outside during the day. I'll be staying with MFV and we will hopefully not want to kill each other after a few days. If I decide to come back to Toronto, I will have nowhere to live so I'm not anxious to return until I have to. I am hoping to see King Tut before I leave so I should get moving with my morning. Next time I write will probably be the other side of our road trip to Oregon.

I'm not moving

Which is not to say I won't be homeless. I still have to be out of my apartment on Friday but now I don't know where I'm going. I am completely exhausted and overwhelmed and emotional and fighting off tears. The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster and it appears the ride is not over yet.

The short version is that I might be staying in Toronto. The new place is working on an offer but it won't be ready for a couple of weeks, maybe three. However, my new group manager in Vancouver is okay with that. I was completely floored and impressed at his reaction. He was totally supportive and said that I definitely would not burn a bridge by pursuing the other opportunity. It was such a generous, totally cool reaction. So now, I have some time to make a decision. I just hope it is the right one.

However, my movers are still coming tomorrow morning and I'm frantically trying to figure out what to do with my stuff. If the national movers take it, they will charge me $1500 to pack, load and store for 1 month. I hope I can find local movers to put it into storage in my friend's basement for a couple of months. I'm not sure what the penalty will be for not using the national movers. I'm not sure that will actually save me any money. But it seems like $1500 is a lot for 30 days of storage! This is the overwhelming part. But I'm still going to Vancouver on Friday, and to Oregon for the weekend, so it will just have to sort itself out somehow.

I am going to be relieved when I'm finally at the airport. I will probably be a basket case. And I can't wait to see MFV. I really need a hug.

Not crazy

I'm moving to Vancouver on Friday! I'm pretty excited. I will be much happier on Wednesday after the movers leave and I have a lot to do before then. But, for those of you paying attention, they couldn't make me an offer within an acceptable timeframe so it was not to be. I'm glad. And MFV is happy. I'm hoping there's something there. But even if that doesn't work out, I'll be able to finally retire my Lululemon merino wool longjohns. People, there's a snow storm in Toronto tonight. I like to think this is Toronto's way of saying good bye... or just "so long sucker".

My life in crazy

Remember when I interviewed for this job?

Well, the HR manager phoned on Friday and would like to discuss a permanent position. Now, pardon my francais, but fuck me! Since I last posted on this subject, I gave notice on my apartment (for the end of February), settled my start date in Vancouver (March 15), booked a flight (February 26), booked a trip to Oregon (via Seattle) for 4 days next weekend with MFV, started packing up and selling furniture and have had about a bajillion going away parties. The movers are coming on Wednesday to pick up my crap. I will be homeless after that. What do I do? I have spent the weekend feeling anxious and worried about this situation instead of enjoying the fact that I'm free of this office and project forever (except for Tuesday when I have to go in again and hand in my expenses).

Here is some background. When I declined the previous contract offer, I didn't find out details on salary, benefits, vacation etc because I knew I would not be happy in a contract position so it would have been a waste of time to even ask. On Friday, I didn't pick up her message until after 5 pm so I still don't know any of the details and therefore can't make any decisions until I know more. I have spent the weekend continuing to pack and purge and clean and sort in anticipation of a move to the west coast. I will call her first thing tomorrow morning to find out if we can meet and discuss details. In order for me to even entertain the idea of not moving to BC, she will have to put a written offer in front of me by the end of the day Monday. At the very latest, it will have to be Tuesday morning so that I can make a decision about my movers.

I did speak with someone who used to work in the organization and he told me some interesting recent back story. Apparently some higher up left and they're trying to reshuffle people around and up the food chain. The optics of hiring another person - just going through the whole interview process again - two months after having filled this position isn't good. If I had accepted the contract position, I would have been bumped into the full-time role which is why they're calling me now. Jesus (who works for the government too) says this is a kosher way to do things and is how the process would normally work so any offer they make me would be firm.

The thing is, the person I spoke to told me that he thinks they are looking for someone to take over a particular project. Specifically, this one. Now, when I heard about this project, my first thought was, "this is the one project I would stay in Toronto for". Ironic, no? Anyway, this project apparently has quite the negative reputation because it has virtually stalled and all the stakeholders are very unhappy. It sounds like the very situation I am trying to leave, except I would be working for this organization instead of my current company. But I still want to work on that project.

In addition to the above crazy statement, it's crazy for me to even think about not going to Vancouver at this point. It's almost past the point of no return. It's crazy to think about putting a potential relationship with MFV on hold again, although he has indicated he would be willing to consider moving here instead. It's crazy to think about permanently burning the bridge with the people who are expecting me to start work in three weeks. It's crazy to consider staying in this city which makes me crazy and not move to the City of the 2010 Winter Olympics. All this makes me a crazy person.

What should I do?

Last day

It's my last day. I'm not leaving the company, just the office. I have mixed feelings. I'm sad about leaving my group but can't take much more of the project. I have worked a lot of hours recently and I'm exhausted and there are still team members who bitch and moan in meetings and make me want to kill myself, despite the fact that I know that I'm leaving. I won't miss those people. But I will miss the girls. They're a highly intelligent, very personable bunch of women. Hopefully I don't cry in front of everyone.

Happy Chinese New Year!

Just say no. Don't be a Schmalentine.

OPI Bogota blackberry

In response to the request for shoes...

Grainy self-portrait

Self-portrait?

I am seriously considering posting an incredibly grainy photo of myself wearing the dress! and the NEW.RED.HIGH.HEELS! for a short period so y'all can see how truly awesome I looked. Of course, this is all relative because you won't know how frumpydumpy I normally look and therefore can't be amazed by all the girly awesomeness. Thoughts?

My chest

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Please, pretend?

Can you at least pretend you'll miss me when I'm gone?

This day went from mildly upsetting to upsetting to really upsetting. I'm glad it's over and I'm home where I'm safe from people who make me cry.

NEW.RED.HIGH.HEELS

Oh yeha baby, my shoes arrived today! I am so excited. They are ridiculous shoes, much higher than I would normally wear and I wouldn't have bought them - despite their being on sale - if I wasn't already planning to wear them to another event in May.



















To be really honest though, I am more excited about the dress I'm going to wear. I have never in my life been excited to wear a stupid old dress. But this dress... well, I love it. I LOVE IT. I am so excited I feel like I'm 7 years old again playing dress up in my mother's closet.




















I don't care that I will be solo. Actually, I'm almost looking forward to it. It's going to be a good night

Sick

I am still sick. I have learned a few things this time around:

1. Advil Cold & Sinus keeps me awake at night.
2. Nasonex nasal spray (free sample from the doctor's office) is much better. Clears up the passages without the desert-like burning dryness.
2a. Do not apply said nasal spray when driving onto the highway. It is hard to blow your nose and hold a steering wheel at the same time.
3. Always keep a bottle of Dimetapp with codeine handy... preferably one that is not expired.
4. Puffs plus with lotion and Vicks is so much better than regular Puffs plus with lotion! And that's really saying something.
5. My client told me to apply Vicks liberally to my feet and then put on socks. I don't have any Vicks with which to try this but I must remember to lie to him and tell him that it worked.

I hope to feel considerably better tomorrow morning. Must go to bed before codeine kicks in...

Back that Hyundai up...

Dammit to hell I hate women drivers! I was in my underground parking lot, just trying to get upstairs to bed because I'm sick and being stubborn about taking drugs. Perhaps if I had been properly medicated, my reaction time would have been faster and I would have been able to throw my car into reverse when the woman in front of me decided to back up without checking to see who was behind her.

She slammed into me pretty hard. Not a glance behind her at all. She was young and driving her daddy's car. She was profusely apologetic but I got her insurance information anyway. I think I'm fine - I'm shaking and in pain but that could be because I'm sick - and I don't really see any damage to the car. But it's going on a train across the country in less than a month so I don't want to take any chances.

I really need a hug. Enough to let Jesus come over with dinner and hold my hand while I drink my neo-citran. Actually, he did that the last two nights so clearly it has more to do with me being a big sucky baby when I'm sick than getting slammed in the front end. It turns out that the things I find most annoying when I'm fine are the things I find most comforting when I'm sick. I didn't ask him to hold my hand. He just did it. And for a while, I kept moving my hand away and then he would reach for it again later. He has been very attentive. Which is nice, for now. Until my glands are no longer swollen.

I know I'm a terrible person for taking advantage - and how bitchy am I when I'm not sick that those things annoy the hell out of me? - but I'm sure that he's just waiting until I'm well and truly dosed up on decongestant and antihistamines and ibuprofen to take advantage of me!

Life lessons

I had the lovely lady grad students over for fondue tonight and now I'm too tired to do anything except mention that it was a nice evening. I have a vat of chocolate fondue leftover though so I suspect fondue redux will ensue.

I learned a life lesson earlier this week and I would like to share it. I'm paraphrasing from Criminal Minds.

it does get easier and, one day, you remember and it doesn't hurt anymore... and you're happy.

Of all places, I realized that in Superstore when I walked by the Cadbury creme egg display.

Several years ago, at Easter, I set up a little Easter Egg hunt for X. He loved those little creme eggs and I must have hidden a dozen of them around our apartment. He found most of them immediately but some he didn't find until summer. It was nice for me that he was so excited at the time, and continued to find nice little surprises months after we had both forgotten about creme eggs.

When I walked past the display, I smiled and laughed a little. I texted him to ask if he remembered. I didn't hear back but that's okay. It was nice to have an unexpected, happy NSA memory of a past relationship.

Oops, I did it again

Holy comments Batman! Okay fine, I will spill the beans.

Rain had it right in his comment on my last entry. So.SO.RIGHT. What do you know? I mixed beer and liquor. In the same glass. Three times.

Jesus and I went to the Bier Market and I love their take on my old standby, the Kir Royale. At the Bier Markt, naturally it's called a Bier Royale. We started out by having a good time but then a heinous combination of sequences occurred. I was drunk. He was drunk. Too drunk to drive, in fact. Which was not cool. He was clingy and gropey and condescending. Actually, he was that guy in the club who is being a complete jackass jerk to his date and you wonder why she's there with him because clearly she's cute and can do better. Okay fine, that's what the cute boy (Paul? Or was it Sean?) said to me. "Why are you with him? You obviously don't want to be. And you're cute. You can do better". Uh, hi Paul, YOU are a cutey-patootie. Can I put you in my pocket and take you home? Sorry, I digress...

I was irritable and cranky (okay perhaps this has nothing to do with booze!) and totally a complete bitch to him because I was tired of him constantly grabbing me and crowding me while we were dancing. Not to mention the completely condescending random comments about trivial meaningless crap. Ugh, gropey and condescending. How is this a turn on? Play hard to get dammit, but don't be a jerk. Ugh. Listen gentlemen, when we're out in public and I repeatedly take your hand off my waist, don't keep grabbing it! AUGH.

Anyway, when cutey pie Paul ended up with butchy she-male in a wife-beater, Jesus noticed me noticing them and said, "are you jealous?" "No, but I didn't think he'd end up with her". "True, he can do better." "Well, that's what he said about me."

Collective blog gasp.

Yes, it was a totally bitchy thing to say but, by that time, I had had enough of his condescending bullshit and gropey wandering hands and should have left on my own terms. But he had my coat check ticket (house keys were in the coat) and my leftover pizza in his car and he was too drunk to drive anywhere. I kept telling myself that here a nice guy and I should be more forgiving and less of a complete raving beyotch. Just goes to show that my judgment where men are concerned is completely, totally, utterly worthless.

So, I walked home drunk by myself and he followed for a bit. I don't know when I lost him, maybe about half way, which is when I phoned MFV. And, though he was drunk himself, he was smart enough to realize that I was not okay. He insisted that I text when I got home and then phoned me later to make sure I was actually alive. I was fast asleep and have no recollection of the conversation. He does want to know what happened but I can't bring myself to tell him. Yet. Maybe next weekend. Or next month. Or never.

I'm too ashamed of myself. I should not have let myself get into that predicament with a strange man, even if His name is Jesus! A girlfriend pointed out on Saturday that he's actually only just doing the minimum to try and get me in bed before I leave. He's not meeting my friends or having dinner but he has no problem taking me to bar and getting me drunk. Thank God I didn't have sex with him. I confess though, I did think about it. I mean, maybe if he hadn't been a total jerk and we both hadn't been disgusto drunk... Ugh.

So, I'm over Jesus and this really is the epilogue in my dating memoirs. I guess I should change the title of this blog again. Suggestions? "How about Catatonia and catnaps: the chronicles of a catless cat lady".

I almost ruined everything

And I prefer not to think about it, nor discuss it. Ever. Again.

I need a date

I need a date the evening of Friday February 6 at around 6 pm.

You will:

1. Drive
2. Be polite
3. Be witty
4. Be well-dressed
5. Behave
6. Be fed (your dinner and half of mine)
7. Be entertained (mildly)
8. Bemused, when I explain I found you on dial-a-date. Well, come on, I can't tell my coworkers I have a blog!
9. Berated when you dunk your head in the chocolate fountain

I will look fabulous.

First come, first served. Actually no, convince me. Okay, GO!

Okay, in all seriousness, I asked MFV and he originally said yes but has since changed his mind about coming to Toronto. I can't ask Jesus because my coworker (the one who introduced us) had invited him and has since uninvited him. How awkward would it be if *I* showed up with him?

Not *that*

I was just reading Rain's blog entry and the timing is perfect. (Thank you!)

I'm having dinner tonight with Jesus, ostensibly to talk about our crappy communication and to try and maintain a friendship. I'm not sure why I agreed to this because the chemistry is gone and I don't think I enjoy talking to him anymore. Maybe I was starting to wonder if I was being too picky. Starting to wonder if my expectations are too high because MFV always knows how to make me laugh and can read my mood accurately which counts for a lot, even when he doesn't know exactly how make it better.

I was starting to think that I should just suck it up and spend time with Jesus but flip-flopping daily (hourly, even) between wanting to see him and feeling obligated to MFV to not be with anyone else until he and I can see where things go when I move to BC. (My God, this is a horribly written entry but I'm just letting my brain out through my fingertips).

I was starting to think that my hopes are too high, that I can't have a man who is nice and who also makes my head explode when he kisses me. Now I realize I am not wrong to not settle for this guy. Or any guy.

I have been alone long enough that I am not going to settle for someone condescending and immature, just because he looks good in glasses. If you scroll down to Leah's comment, it was the combination of "leap" and curling toes which finally made me realize this. Her comment made my toes curl just reading it. I want *that*. Well, I guess I want *that* back, and if I can't have *that*, then I don't want something which is clearly not *that*.

Douchebaggery

Today I had a quick lunch with the Original Douchebag (he sat, I ate) and he was saying how he didn't do much over the holidays because all his friends are married now and he felt like a loser. His actual words were "so, I realized that I'm not actually a loser but I felt like a loser". Lol, who says that?? And he proposed that we should be closer friends from now on since we're both single. He was being totally creepy and weird. Ick. So I told him that I'm no longer single. He slammed his hand on the table and said, "dammit!" Uh, transparent much?? I should just have had lunch at my desk but Douchebag Beta asked me to go for lunch when I got in and I blew him off because he was a complete fu&ker the last time we didn't see each other*.

Then, this evening, despite being a complete gentleman and driving 45 minute to pick me up so I wouldn't have to deal with the broken subway after dinner, Jesus was kind of a jerk. He was patronizing and condescending and kept touching me in ways that were annoying. When I asked him to stop all of the offending behaviours, he laughed at me and continued to be patronizing. I mean, fine, the guy is older than me but I resent him treating me like a child. It's frustrating because I felt as though I was just starting to open up to him.

He also got me a gift. An expensive gift from Coach. Which was sweet. But he bought me a ponytail scarf. Only, I have short hair. Short, short hair. You know when Rihanna went super short? Yeah, ftw, right? WHAT am I going to do with a ponytail scarf??

Why do I attract weirdos and jerks?? I need a cookie. And a hug. A hug-flavoured cookie.

*I didn't post about this because it seemed like a waste of time in an otherwise perfectly good evening.

Sloth

My landlady is going to sell this place so now I have to prepare for 60 days of showings. Gah. This from the girl who has stray cups littered over the apartment, empty wine bottles (rinsed and ready to recycle) on the counter and lives out of the laundry basket. I had an unexpected hour free this evening because I didn't have belly dance class and decided to use that time to imitate a sloth... and then that somehow extended into the rest of the evening. I did talk to Jesus for a bit, so that was productive. Errr, ahem. Anyway, I'm going to put dirty dishes in the wishwasher and pretend to put away some laundry. Maybe just the pants that I don't want to iron later this week. Can somebody please send me a husband/butler?

Brass monkey

Holy Jeebus it's cold outside! I had lunch with a buddy, actually at his mother's place. I was originally supposed to have brunch with a friend who bails 90% of the time. I should have known she would bail today too. But I'm glad it worked out this way. I only see this buddy of mine a couple of times a year and last saw his mother when I was still with B. It was nice to see her again and we had waffles (yes, I ate waffles and now I need a nap) with apple slices and blue berries and strawberries and bacon! Mmm... bacon two days in a row :) Anyway, I literally drove up the street. Google Maps tells me it was 1.5 km. I was planning to walk but it's too damn cold. In the 90 seconds it took me to get to my car, the wind blew straight through my down jacket and my face froze off. I dropped my nose somewhere but it was too cold to go looking for it.

Anyway, I'm going to lie on the couch for the rest of the afternoon and pretend I'm in Aruba as the circulation returns to my tingly extremities. I'm almost done Season 2 of Mad Men. I anticipate going into 1960s withdrawal when that happens. Must download Season 3 for my between-offices-transfer hiatus.

Happy nude ear!

I wish for more shoes, more booze and fewer losers all round!

Oooh fireworks outside my window! Pretty :)

I'm starting 2010 with my new Sonicare toothbrush and a sober good night phone call to MFV.