Sunday, February 7, 2010

My chest

Asshat Disclaimer: This entry is not about my rack.

Rain's blog entry about marriage, divorce and hope chests inspired this entry. Although I have never had any of those things, I did end a 7 year relationship and spent the last 5 years rebuilding myself to be almost entirely self-sufficient.

I think Rain should fill his man chest with the macho-ly equivalent of the stuff in my metaphorical 30-something spinster chest. Here are the key things inside my chest:

  • shoes (LOTS of shoes);
  • jewelry which I purchased myself;
  • books and newspapers and crossword puzzles and a blog to keep me entertained;
  • a digital SLR to capture the memories when mine fades;
  • a latte to keep me company;
  • socks and blankets to keep me warm (until I finally find me a man from whom to steal body heat);
  • a girlfriend who always gets it, or several who get some things most of the time;
  • a friend with a dog;
  • a steady supply of other peoples' newborn babies (so I can give them back when I'm done filling up on that baby smell);
  • a dream (to keep me going);
  • a gym membership (for the days I need enough confidence to pull off a strapless gown);
  • a manicure for a special day;
  • a pedicure for a rainy day;
  • a nap for that same rainy afternoon (can't put shoes on over a pedicure!);
  • Belgian callebaut chocolate for the down days;
  • a home with a great view (instead of a tv); and,
  • a giant pink waterproof vibrator to add a touch of secret comedy and some titillation (courtesy of my best friend and

Some suggestions for Rain's chest:
  • shoes (women always look at your shoes);
  • some sort of man status symbol (big chunky watch? big chunky car? little unchunky girlfriend?);
  • some toys for the kids (Lego?);
  • some toys for the men (Lego?);
  • a hobby to keep you sane;
  • a sport to keep you sweaty;
  • a bottle of Scotch;
  • a friend to share the Scotch;
  • a couch to watch the game;
  • a dog to share the couch;
  • a manicure (and possibly an eyebrow wax);
  • a gym membership (for when you need to prop up ladies who wear strapless gowns);
  • a Maxim magazine (reading for the can);
  • whatever might be the man equivalent of a giant pink waterproof vibrator...


Jill said...

Can I just copy everything n your list! I'd love to have just about everything you've mentioned :) And a guy whose chest is filled with all of the above - from Lego to Scotch!

Asshat said...

I've thought all day about what might be the male version of a giant pink waterproof vibrator and the best I could come up with would be a 52 inch HDTV with 1080p.

Anonymous said...

I like the idea of "Man Chest." Hoh, hoh, hoh.

But maybe the man equivalent of a little pink machine won't be necessary if there's a woman out there who would like to share our respective chests. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more!

(In other words... what Jill said.)

Ms Behaviour said...

Omg Asshat you're totally turning me on right now!

Seattle, that's a very Tim Taylor-esque man grunt. Have you been watching reruns too?