Not sweaty enough

I just ate a bowl of chunky Old El Paso salsa and my nose is sweaty :)

Speaking of sweaty, I promised GH I would write a hot and heavy post this evening. The problem is, I don't want to write about hot and heavy, I want to *be* hot and heavy. Pirates class just doesn't cut it. As an aside, we had a substitute instructor today and he was totally cute. But, by the end of the class, I hated him and wanted to bounce my ball off his face. It was a really great workout and I hope I feel my lower abs in the morning. I think he's back next week too! I digress. Actually, I'd like to digress with him...

The problem with fantasies though is that they're so unsatisfying. I miss physical contact with another human being. I miss holding hands and spooning. The comfort of my head resting in the curve of a broad shoulder. Strong arms wrapped around me, pinning me to the bed so I can't get away from the gentle love bites... Oops, did I say that out loud?

Sigh.

Solo dinner

Wow, was I ever angry yesterday? Who was that beyotch? Sheesh.

Today was rough too but only because I didn't get enough sleep last night. And apparently I hadn't made up the calories either because I was hungry for most of the day. I had KD for dinner last night (I know, ghetto) and leftover KD for lunch (more ghettO). But breakfast was relatively healthy: yoghurt and All-Bran buds. I had a coffee too (decaf with skim milk). But by the time the afternoon rolled around, I needed something large and hot (get your minds out of the gutter boys!) and chocolatey. I followed the large hot chocolate up with two organic chocolate chip cookies. But I was still hungry when I got home. I talked to A on the phone for a while and then decided I needed a large hit of protein. So I walked to Crispy Roll on Queen Street for solo dinner. Well, that's not completely true. I took Malcolm Gladwell with me. He's such a fascinating dinner date. I digress.

For dinner, I had wakame (seaweed) salad which is packed full of iron. Then I had beef gyoza (maybe I needed the fat?). I finished up with two pieces of hokkigai (surf clam, which I just learned is unsustainable so booo) sushi and six (that's right, six!) pieces of salmon sashimi. By the end of dinner, I was feeling very muchly happy. I actually enjoyed myself. It was nice to be on my own in a quiet restaurant with just the right amount of food and a stimulating book. Plus, it helps that I don't have to pay for transit in this city anymore.

There are brownies in the oven and an episode of Chuck on the faux PVR. Yay I like my life today :)

Angry Sunday

I had a very angry day today. The highlights (lowlights?) were:

1. Having tea with two girlfriends who, when I texted to let them know I would be a few minutes late, decided to order for me, despite knowing about my food allergies. And despite the fact I told them in my original email that I was planning to have a smoked salmon bagel. And knowing that I was coming from the gym and would therefore be starving. I was not impressed.

2. Then they proceeded to discuss the picky eating habits of their young children (I submit, if they have children with picky eating habits, they should have known better than to order my lunch!) I was bored out of my mind and had basically nothing to contribute.

3. The tea platter they ordered was overpriced, didn't have enough food on it and I couldn't eat 90% of it because it consisted of pastries and desserts. I ate three "sandwiches" which consisted of a thin slice of cucumber on a piece of baguette smothered in cream cheese and pepper. Ugh. I also ate a raisin bun disguised as a scone.

I would have ordered a real meal but the waitress was so awful that I decided she wasn't worthy of a larger tip. She didn't offer me a menu after I arrived, didn't check on us and was bitchy and rude. Fortunately, one of the girls felt guilty enough about the whole incident that she picked up the bill.

I wish I hadn't gone. I came home angry and frustrated and hungry and cold. I crashed on the couch for two hours and now I'm wide awake. Tomorrow is going to be painful.

Moving onto better news, there might be a weekend trip to LA in April with Baby and a weekend trip to NYC in May for an old family friend's wedding. I should probably only choose one (ie the wedding) so I can afford to pay tuition fees at the end of April but I want so badly to get away from my so called life. Sigh.

Brilliant

I'm not writing anything tonight. This post by Waiter is too visceral and anything I have to say would sound like a giant pity party. Which I'm having alone in the dark on the couch.
http://waiterrant.net/?p=1033

Break

I'm feeling marginally better today. I was pretty exhausted yesterday and I needed a mental break from all of the office politics and fan-shit.

I just wish that I could reach out and ask someone for a hug. Or something. The worst part of being alone is that nobody in the world knows how much I am faking being okay.

Yesterday evening, I went to a Raptors Schmaptors game with my friend J. He is a good friend. There has never been anything more than friendship between us. I can talk to him and not worry about pretending to be someone different. But, more importantly, I can just sit and hang out with him without talking and that's just as okay as when we are talking. It was nice to just go to the game and watch it and only talk some of the time.

It was also somewhat comforting to know that he and his wife are not happily married in newlywed bliss. She doesn't work because he makes loads of money. They just bought a huge new house but she had no concept of a budget. The market is crap right now so they're not going to get what they expected for his condo. He seemed a bit stressed about the whole situation. It's not that I'm looking to replace her but I consider it validation of our friendship that he suggested she go to a movie with a friend while he was at the game with me. It was nice to feel like somebody wanted my company. Especially because I thought he would just disappear from my life post-wedding. Plus, the Raps won! Who knew they could do that??

It was also just nice to sit and watch the game with a man. There, I said it. It's so anti-feminist but it was comfortable.

Unhappy

I am not happy today. That's all I can write at the moment. I need a brownie and a hug.

Randoms

Some funny/stupid shit I randomly wrote today.

You know Steve Harvey's book, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man"? Yeah, apparently I've been doing it all wrong. I thought it was "Think like a lady, act like a man". Duh.



My revised dating strategy should I ever attempt the online dating thing again:

1. Starbucks latte.
2. Chapters (that's like Barnes & Noble to you American peeps)
3. Finance aisle

Rationale: I can at least be guaranteed of doing something I enjoy. Expense is negligible (depending on how you feel about paying for Starbucks and paperbacks). If he looks askance at the finance books, that's a big red flag. And if he tries any hanky panky, hot coffee down the front of his pants.



In response to this ridiculous article:

Oh my goodness those are the WORST tips ever! When was that written? 1952?? Take a powder? Wear pastels?! Who has time to take a break 4 stinkin times a day? I can barely eat my lunch at my desk without being disturbed.

Okay, here are my 4 quick cures for crankiness:
1. Wear all black. Tell everyone it is a reflection of your mood.
2. Answer all questions with "Your momma has a mouldy basement".
3. Lie on the floor in child's pose moaning and muttering softly. If someone asks what's wrong, bark at them.
4. Punch someone in the head*.

Fine, these may not cure the crankiness but at least everyone will leave you the duck alone. ;)

*NOTE: I realize this is directly contradictory to Fish's advice but that is one classy lady and me... not so much.

Boring but productive Sunday

In a cruel twist of sadistic irony, the Universe is mocking me. The more I seem to work on my thesis, the more my workload seems to be multiplying exponentially. Just because I'm studying bacteria... it doesn't seem fair!

I did get a bit teary-eyed about C le V today but then I realized that no man on the planet is going to put up with my neurotic, inane tv-watching habits. Usually, when the music gets too scary and my heart starts to pound, I turn off the sound and read the closed-captions. However, CSI doesn't seem to believe in closed-captioning. So, this afternoon I had to take several breaks during one episode because I was experiencing an uncomfortably high rate of heart palpitations. What man is going to think that's fun?? Yeah, that's what I thought. Somehow though, clinging to Pooh Bear for comfort doesn't seem quite the same. And Pooh Bear is quite large. He measures about two feet tall by three feet around. Hmmm, his proportions are remarkably similar to my own!

Medicating with food

I was on the subway platform today at Queen's Park. It doesn't really matter why or where I was going. I stood there, leaning against the wall and my thoughts wandered over to C le V. And I got all teary eyed and weepy. On the fucking subway platform.

What the hell is wrong with me?

On a totally unrelated note, I have decided what my five main food groups are: cheese, chocolate, coffee, carbs and alcohol. I wanted to make "dessert" a food group but there are so many desserts I can't eat because they are made with eggs.

I had pancakes today for the first time in years. They were egg-free. Tomorrow I intend to eat more. They're banana pancakes but I don't have maple syrup so I'm going to eat them with nutella instead. Right after pilates class. Then I'm going to bake brownies in the evening. I think the only civilized way to get through single Sundays is with copious quantities of chocolate.

Is it still considered drinking alone if I go out for brunch by myself and have a mimosa?

Six Word Memoirs

I'm at home installing Sigma Plot software that my supervisor gave me. I got an email from SmithMAG saying that one of my 6 word memoirs is a finalist and they need my full name. Who knows if the email is just spam but it would be cool to be published. So I logged in and was reading my 6 word memoirs and thought, "who wrote these? They're good. Oh wait, these are mine!" Ha ha.

Here they are:

Hot tea. Good book. Life's great.

Happiness: dancing like there's nobody watching.

Loneliness is no internet connection.

I'm never lonely with the voices.

Perfection: driving west to east solo.

20s: Wrong boyfriend. 30s: No boyfriends.

Wait, how did I get here?

Lessons learned

I learned some valuable lessons at the gym today:

1. Do not take a double class without a water bottle.
2. Do not take a double class at a gym with multiple floors and no elevator.
3. Do not take a double class without Advil.
4. Do not take a double class which ends with meditation in a freezing cold room.
5. Do not take a double class and then follow it up with a 20 minute walk home in heels.
6. I need a man to help me get undressed after I get home from a double class. It's exhausting getting out of my Lululemon tank top and Nike sports bra. I had to do it in stages.

First, Lulu over the boobage (it's not large but there is a considerable amount there). Break. Then Lulu top over one shoulder blade. Stash it under the armpit and take a deep breath. Lulu top over other should blade. 5 minute break. Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, exhale and YANK! 10 minute break. Repeat with sports bra. Sheesh.

On a totally unrelated note, while I was at the gym for two hours this evening, my friend in the pink dress called me 4 times. 4!!! Then she texted asking if I was okay because she hadn't heard from me since last night at around 10 pm. Okay, fine, she's worried (because, unlike her, I always return calls within a couple of hours). BUT this is the girl that told me I shouldn't have asked C le V to call me last weekend. She said I should have just rolled with it and waited for him to call. Eventually. I asked her how long I should have waited, considering he had been distant for a couple of weeks and clearly something had changed. She didn't have an answer but said that she doesn't like it when someone expects her to call at a certain time. It's too much pressure.

Okay fine. I get that. But she's not sleeping with me. And I didn't ask him to call at a certain time. Just at some point over his not busy weekend at home doing laundry and jerking off.

But really the point is this.
A: I shouldn't have to ask him (or any guy who wants to stay in my pants) to call me. Any guy that's interested (enough) is going to want to talk to me. He did and we used to talk for ages about everything. Something changed.
B: When I ask him to phone me, he should just man up and do it. I mean, is that really too much to ask? That's a serious question. The other option is to stop sleeping with me. Clearly he was more interested in the second option.

Moving right along... do you know how frustrating it is when your vibrator dies in the bubble bath? Okay fine, I was in there for a while but still...

No closure here

I find myself mentally making lists of all the things that could have gone wrong during and since that weekend in Montreal:

I said something heinous.
I did something heinous.
I wasn't fun enough.
I wasn't funny enough.
I wasn't well-dressed enough.
I didn't pretend to have a good time when I wasn't feeling well.
I got upset when he started to be distant with me.
I was too clingy.
I was too honest.
I didn't stroke his ego enough.
I wasn't bitchy enough.
I was too bitchy.
I don't make enough money.
I pay too much rent.
I paid too much attention to him.
I sent him too many emails.
We didn't have enough sex.
The sex wasn't good enough.
His friend/sister said that she didn't like me.
He got bored.
He got scared.
He met someone.
He got back together with his ex.

Okay, I realize I will never know but making the list makes me feel better.

Today we had a St Paddy's day party at the office. I grabbed a glass of white wine but I didn't have time to drink it before I went to the gym. So I dumped it into my travel mug and brought it home. How terrible is that?? Anyway, I'm going to finish it off and go to bed.

Perspective

I just spoke to one of the other grad students and I am reminded that things could be much worse. I could be stuck in a lab crying my eyes out right now - which is what she is doing - but I'm not. I'm home and I get to go to bed right after I finish writing this post. I am done my lab work and now it is up to me to write and present and submit and defend. I have a job. I have food in the fridge. I have money in the bank. I have a car and a nice apartment. I have awesome friends. Okay, I'm single. I miss C le V but he didn't hurt me today because he didn't contact me today. Maybe I won't hear from him again and he won't ever hurt me again. Same goes for Grey. On the whole, I am happy and wouldn't change my life. Well, unless someone told me to kick off my flip flops and put my ass down in a chair already so he could get me a pina colada and fan me gently with a banana leaf.

Not that into me

I think it ended badly. I say "I think" because it all happened so fast. He was cold and cruel and angry and distant. I'm not sure why he even phoned me today. I cried so hard, sitting on the hallway floor with my face in a towel worrying whether the neighbours would hear. Then I went out to see He's Just Not That Into You with a girlfriend. Unfortunately, I learned nothing new because I've read the book backwards and inside out about eleventy bajillion times. Now I have a headache and feel utterly nauseated. I'm waiting for my clean sheets to come out of the dryer so that I can cry myself to sleep in bamboo-cotton papyrus blend. I just have one question. If I can't spot the jerks, how am I supposed to avoid them? Maybe they're all jerks.

Alone tonight... and every night

I am very cognizant that I am alone in the Universe. I have a busy social life and work life so I am not left alone very often, except when I'm at home in the evenings. Even then, I spend a lot of time on the phone talking to various girlfriends. But sometimes I am reminded just how alone I am. Like now. It's Saturday night and I'm home. I was supposed to go out this evening with an old family friend I barely know. He invited me to his girlfriend's birthday dinner. I didn't end up going. Because I'm exhausted, unwilling to make small talk with strangers for a couple of hours and reluctant to show up and leave on my own.

Last night, my friend left me alone to get a drink at the bar. She wouldn't let me go with her. I think because she had some strange notion that I would get hit on if I was standing there alone. I didn't. All the guys that had previously been flitting around us (she's tall and skinny and pretty) left when she did. So there I was, standing on the dance floor in a club in the busiest city in Canada on Friday night, alone. And I was very aware of it.

Awesome Friday night

My friend in the painted pink dress made me go out tonight. First we went shopping for a bed. Then we went to Little India for dinner. And after that, we went clubbing. It's going to hurt in the morning but we had a ridiculously good time. We got picked up by two Italian guys named Mario and Giovanni. They were so stereotypically Italian that it was outrageously funny. They had expensive suits and big chains and shirts unbuttoned halfway down to their stomachs. They were really good dancers, I will give them that, even with the wandering hands syndrome! They spent the entire night dancing with us and I have to confess that I had fun, even if I had to keep moving their hands away from my piercing! At the end of the night though, we had to ditch them or risk getting groped and fondled in their limo. I feel bad about giving away Mario's tie to one of the (really hot) bouncers but it was payment for letting us out the alternate exit. We jumped straight in a cab and came home. Giggling the entire way. I highly recommend going out with just one girlfriend to anyone who needs to just let loose and forget all their troubles. I can't believe how late it is! To bed, and to a Dirty Dancing matinee in 10 hours. Eep.

Hurt

Does anyone else think this email thread is a not-so-subtle rejection? I am actually quite upset. I'm officially giving up and allowing myself to be upset this weekend.

On Fri, Mar 13, 2009 at 4:52 PM, C le V wrote:

Nice subject line!
Sounds like a nice weekend... Apparently it's the St-Patties day parade on Sunday, so the plan may change, but it looks like it's going to be another quiet domestic weekend... not the drink-fest you seem to have planned (no comment on the Dirty Dancing!)
Sucks for the thesis... but better late than never, I guess.

On 3/13/09, EB wrote:

What?? You're not a fixture on the lucky lesbian leprechaun float? But you look so good in green!

So... as much as I am scared to ask (or scared to hear your answer), will I be getting a phone call from you this weekend? It would be nice to hear your voice again at some point. It's fine if you're busy and stuff. I just thought I would go out on a limb here and ask.

On Fri, Mar 13, 2009 at 5:01 PM, C le V wrote:

I would answer 'yes', but I don't want to create any expectations... so 'no' it is.

Out of sorts

I am so lonely today. I'm tired which is probably a major part of it. I talked to my former Valentine for an hour on the phone. I talked to A for a while too. And Baby. My landlady phoned to renegotiate my rent. I told her I would get back to her tomorrow after I see some more places with my realtor. I even emailed back and forth at work with C le V. But here's the kicker. I haven't heard from him since 5 pm when he left for the gym.

My mind is constructing all kinds of scenarios. Most of them involving a wife or a girlfriend or multiple other women. He is clearly just not that into me. Why can't I just accept it and move on?

Also, Grey's pocket phoned me again today and left a 3 minute long message. I kept telling myself to delete it but I didn't. He had some girl over. He called her by the wrong name. Then he said he couldn't believe that he did that. And she said that it wasn't like he just met her. She sounded very young. Then he offered her a drink and she chose water. Evian. At least she has good taste in water. Then there was more conversation which I couldn't make out and he laughed really loud. Then the call ended.

My former Valentine offered to phone him and ask him to delete my number. If it happens again, I am going to take him up on his offer. I'm tired of this.

I got my first real six string...

Aside from that whole having to go to work thing today, and the current screaming-like-a-crazed-groupie-concert-induced headache, I had an awesome day today.

I went to the Bryan Adams concert in Hamilton and rocked the duck out baby! "The only thing that looks good on me is SHOES!" He he. Yes, I realize I yam taking creative liberties with his lyrics but mine are funnier, don't you think? Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say.

Also, my new boots arrived today! Unfortunately I won't be able to wear them tomorrow because the temperature is supposed to drop to minus eleventy bajillion degrees and, given that it is currently three degrees above zero, the entire city will be coated in ice when I wake up. Oh, I wonder if that means the subway doors will freeze shut. Mental note to check before leaving the house tomorrow. Working from home would be a serious bonus. You know, having internet and food and no clients dropping in while I attempt to eat breakfast at my desk at 2.30 pm.

Dear Commuting Gods, please freeze the TTC shut tomorrow morning. Thank you!

Meggings

Here's something for my blogger friends on an impossibly early Monday morning.

Thank God that my eyeballs were already on fire before I saw this. They're now rolling around on the desk in flames.

Coming your way: leggings for men

Trampled by elephants

C le V called this morning. We talked for precisely 2 minutes and 3 seconds before his phone crapped out. I waited a few minutes for him to call back and then tried calling him. It went straight to voice mail.

A's conclusion: he must call back by the end of the day and have a reasonable excuse for not calling back within a few hours. Such as being trampled by elephants.

I'm going to attempt to do some work now. I'm going to eat a bagel for motivation. A real bagel from Montreal. Not one of these. Heaven forbid.

1.34 pm update: Phoned again from the gym and talked for 50 seconds. Sent text message saying phone is on death bed and will call from home. Bagel is yummy. Dreading phone call somewhat. Trying to accomplish work frantically before having heart broken later this afternoon.

3.39 pm update: I am apparently neurotic and needy. He was just busy this week with all the post-vacation errata. He was telling me about his weekend and I asked him if he missed me at all. He said of course he missed me and why would I ask? Because he hasn't called me sweetheart in ages. He said he was sorry, sweetheart. He said he would call again this evening. Hmm, we'll see. Statistically significant lowered expectations.

11.31 pm update: He did call and we talked for around half an hour. It was nice, as always but this time I felt that I was being distant and guarded. When we were saying our goodbyes, I said "have a good week" and he asked if we weren't going to talk this week. The question caught me off guard because, in my state of significantly lowered expectations, I assumed that I would likely not hear from him. I stuttered an, "I... I... oh... I... I don't know, but that would be nice!". He laughed and called me by his nickname for me. Not sweetheart but something, anyway.

How did I get here?

Dead inside

I can't believe I was stupid enough to believe this thing with C le V was actually going somewhere. Next time I feel happy enough to hope for good things with a man, shoot me.

Grey's pocket called me again this morning on the way to work. Then, when I was running errands at the mall in the evening, I got a third call. This time, his pocket hung up immediately as I didn't hear the usual snuffling, rustling noises. Whatever could it mean?

I got my hair cut today. It looks fabulous. It won't look fabulous after I wash it because blow drying seems like such a complete and utter waste of time. What am I? Beautiful or something? Sheesh.

I suck

I took a nap this afternoon and now I can't sleep. I wish I had someone to talk to.

C le V called me this afternoon because I was feeling down. I felt better after I talked to him. Then, after the nap, I realized that he hasn't called me "sweetheart" since Saturday. Something has definitely changed. I'm scared to find out.

Also, in more bad news, I lost the apartment that I had decided to rent. They rented it the night I saw it, for $90 a month less than the list price, starting tomorrow. Crap. Maybe I should just put all my stuff in storage and be homeless until I can afford to buy my own concrete box.

I'm going to bed now. Not because I'm sleepy. But because it will be easier to cry myself to sleep. Or not sleep, as the case may be.

Not sure

I have been avoiding this post. Partly because my last two posts were totally neurotic and there's no need to follow it up with a third. But more because I think my instincts are right. I thought I would know how I felt after this weekend. I think I do know how I feel but I don't want to think about it because I suspect he doesn't feel the same.

The weekend was fine. Nice, even. There was a hiccup on Saturday evening when he got very distant with me. Distant enough that, when I told my former Valentine, he said he didn't like C le V anymore. But I think he was just being drunk and young and hyper. When I got upset, he held me while I got weepy and told me everything would be okay. It has been a long time since anyone did that for me.

But he has been distant all week since. We talked briefly on Sunday night when I got home. We chatted briefly online on Monday night. We talked briefly last night when I phoned him. But he has not booked his train ticket to come and see me this month. He hasn't been responding to emails. And he hasn't tried to make me laugh since he got home from his vacation.

I am totally scared to think about him losing interest. I'm not sure I can handle this right now. On the other hand, there's a lot going on right now with looking for an apartment for April and starting a new megaproject so now would be an ideal time to be re-single.

Grey crank called me yesterday. It was around 2.30 pm and I was at the office. I hit the "ignore" button (please be proud, even though it was easy to ignore his call at work) and forced it to voice mail. When I retrieved it, all I could hear was snuffling and pocket noises. My friends who own crackberries tell me it is virtually impossible to misdial a crackberry and think that he used the pocket noises to cover up because I didn't answer the call.

I have no desire to phone and find out. But I dread future phone calls.