Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Some funny/stupid shit I randomly wrote today.

You know Steve Harvey's book, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man"? Yeah, apparently I've been doing it all wrong. I thought it was "Think like a lady, act like a man". Duh.

My revised dating strategy should I ever attempt the online dating thing again:

1. Starbucks latte.
2. Chapters (that's like Barnes & Noble to you American peeps)
3. Finance aisle

Rationale: I can at least be guaranteed of doing something I enjoy. Expense is negligible (depending on how you feel about paying for Starbucks and paperbacks). If he looks askance at the finance books, that's a big red flag. And if he tries any hanky panky, hot coffee down the front of his pants.

In response to this ridiculous article:

Oh my goodness those are the WORST tips ever! When was that written? 1952?? Take a powder? Wear pastels?! Who has time to take a break 4 stinkin times a day? I can barely eat my lunch at my desk without being disturbed.

Okay, here are my 4 quick cures for crankiness:
1. Wear all black. Tell everyone it is a reflection of your mood.
2. Answer all questions with "Your momma has a mouldy basement".
3. Lie on the floor in child's pose moaning and muttering softly. If someone asks what's wrong, bark at them.
4. Punch someone in the head*.

Fine, these may not cure the crankiness but at least everyone will leave you the duck alone. ;)

*NOTE: I realize this is directly contradictory to Fish's advice but that is one classy lady and me... not so much.


Anonymous said...

Actually, I think that's a pretty good dating strategy. Can you e-mail that to all the girls who have been using the "lead him on, then blow him off" dating strategy?

Pretty good tips too. Also, I am now aware that if we ever meet, I should stay just a shade more than arms length from you, should you be in a cranky mood at the time.

Asshat said...

Your revised dating strategy would appear to rule out illiterate Marxists, fondlers and non-coffee drinkers, but that's about it. I don't think you would have much attraction to those types, anyway. I think you need to come up with some more positive strategies.

Elusive Butterfly said...

Only if you email it to all the guys who also use that dating strategy.

I remembered how C le V was talking about us going on the ferris wheel together next year. I totally and completely bought it. He seemed so sincere about the whole thing. God. I'm an idiot.

Any suggestions on a more positive dating strategy? I'm open to suggestions. Although, today I thought I just won't date ever again. That's positive, sort of... isn't it?