What? - Grand Finale

(Disclaimer: NSFW along with most things on this blog!)

I'm very close. Very close. Teetering on the edge even. I have resolved to be honest on my blog because I am too ashamed of him and of myself to be honest with my girlfriends. And I don't often feel that way.

On Saturday night, I had bubble tea with the girls and their husbands. Usually when I go for bubble tea I order a large and then say "ugh, too many bubbles! Why do I always do this to myself? Moan." But this weekend, I ordered a small. It took a supreme effort of self-discipline but I did it and didn't regret the small at all. Yay me. I think I might be learning something. Slowly.

Today, I spent the day with Grey. We didn't talk. We didn't really do much. We went for dim sum and I got upset because, when I complained about working from home on weekends, he said I only work one day a week in a voice full of contempt, scorn and disdain. I got angry. I actually got teary eyed when we were waiting for our table and had to escape to the ladies room for a minute. I spoke up enough that he finally claimed to see the error of his ways and apologized. Then, of course, we didn't talk at dim sum. We waited almost an hour to get my car washed and, instead of trying to talk to me then, he kept trying to shove his hand up my skirt. Repeatedly. He even unzipped his pants and pulled out his penis at one point. Yeah, that's right. I almost kicked him out of the car.

Then we went to the drugstore to get him something to help him sleep. By the time we were at his place, his buddy had phoned and was right behind us. The three of us ended up sitting on the couch watching the Superbowl and eating pizza. Grey trash talked me a lot tonight. Some of it was truly appalling. Maybe it was just part of guy's Superbowl night but I have trouble believing that his buddy would say the same stuff to the girl he is currently seeing. We all laughed it off as part of the macho funny guy act but I am hurt and unimpressed. I sent Grey an email when I got home because I was too embarrassed/scared/awkward/worried about making his friend feel awkward to say something at the time. And I knew that if I didn't send him an email tonight, it would go into the vault of things he wouldn't remember but I can't let go.

Re AshleyMadison.com: Grey was saying he should go on that site but he's not married. I told him that if he was going to sign up for a website that facilitates affairs, he might as well lie about being in a relationship. I mean, that's hardly a stretch, right? He said, "yeah good point. I should say my girlfriend is a tall, hot, 5'10" blonde..." Suffice it to say I am none of those things. I looked askance at him and he said that his brain is often way behind his mouth and some of the stuff that comes out makes no sense. Oh, it makes plenty of sense.

His buddy was considering spending $500 on a winter coat for the new girlfriend: Grey said that he would never spend that much on me. His buddy just shook his head. I said "yeah, but we're not dating".

He also said the following two things. I think the context is irrelevant:

1. I won't fuck you hard if you don't finish your dinner.
2. I should bitchslap you with my cock.

My response to the first was to push away my dinner plate. My response to the second was "you could try but it won't reach". I couldn't believe he said that to me. In front of his buddy.

Eventually his buddy left. I thought we would talk. Stupid me. He just wanted to have sex.

When I left, he hugged me and asked if we could do it again some time after he got a good night's sleep. I said "whatever, I won't wait forever". But actually, I think I might be done with him. I think that it has finally started to sink in that I'm better off without him. I can be remarkably intelligent about everything else in my life. In fact, in general I pride myself on my rapid brain speed. But this... why has this taken so long? Did I require some sort of external boost to my self-esteem to figure this out?

I couldn't wait to get home to talk to C le V tonight. He could tell something was off but I told him that I didn't want to talk about it because it was unimportant, irrelevant and would be bad karma for us. It would be so great if we somehow end up together. I miss him. I hope that I'm good enough for him.