Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving dinner was fun. It went a lot later than I thought it needed to and I was ready to come home. I'm exhausted so I'm going to crash. A couple of things worth nothing are that:

1. He smiled at me a lot
2. We sat very close to each other on the couch. But only because I went to sit next to him.
3. There will be photos on facebook.

Yay :)

Reversal

He got the days wrong. I really thought that Thanksgiving dinner was Saturday night and I was right. It's tomorrow. So we had our first real date tonight :) We went to Rain which is a very expensive, very good restaurant on Mercer. It was lovely. Quiet. The food was good. Service was excellent. And then, because I had baked the damn apple crumble today, we came back to my place and had dessert and sat on the couch talking. It turns out smoking is a deal breaker so I smoked the last cigarette in my pack and won't be buying another one until this thing crashes and burns. I'm still not sure about this guy but I do like him and think he's a great person. I hope... Well, I just hope. That's enough said about that.

Tomorrow, tea with the ladies at 1 and then Thanksgiving dinner at 5.30. And I told him I was driving to Montreal on Friday with our mutual friend so I guess I'm going again.

Relief

I woke up this morning feeling relieved. I didn't realize how much I was actually dreading the trip to Montreal next weekend. Now I'm free of that obligation. And I'm free to actually enjoy myself this weekend with The Crush without feeling guilty about The Other Guy. And I was feeling guilty about him. I almost felt as though I was cheating on him. I'm still a little sad because he is the first man to make me laugh since I met my former Valentine in 2005. He knew what to say and I was comfortable talking to him. But maybe it was too much too soon and it wouldn't have been sustainable in the long-term. I'm still looking forward to my weekend. And next weekend I might be having spaghetti with Grey. So that's potentially something to look forward to as well. He sent me an email reminding me about our discussion last Thursday on how this thing was doomed from the very beginning because of distance. I'm surprised he even remembered that conversation. Anyway, off to work.

Dumped

The Other Guy dumped me. Just like that. Well, not *just* like that. We spent an hour on the phone talking about real estate, people and our plans for the weekend. Then he said he couldn't do this. Whatever "this" is. My heart is heavy. I'm sad and shocked. And confused. I feel like a fool.

Progress

There's a lot going on.

I met with my supervisor today and it looks as though the last of my data will be arriving next week. I have much Excel-ing to do in the next few weeks and I would like to finish it before I leave for the holidays so that I can start writing when I get back. I have no idea what really happened during our meeting today. He said something about a binomial expansion and I couldn't remember what that was until he wrote a quadratic equation on the board. I have to calculate probabilities for both variables which represent concentrations of each isotope. I think! I'm going to let that percolate through my subconscious over the weekend and hope it's a bit less foggy next week when the data arrives.

I phoned The Other Guy because I only got one very brief email from him today saying he was super busy at work and he didn't sound too happy. He was out at a pub with a friend but said he would call me when he got home. If he doesn't call me tonight, that's going to be Strike 2. Strike 1 was his deciding not to visit me this weekend so that we could slow things down. I understand slowing things down but the inertia that sets in after slowing things down in a long distance relationship is huge. I should know, I've spent more than half my adult life in long distance relationships. I really don't want to do it anymore but he's an awesome guy so I'm giving him a real chance.

I also talked to The Crush tonight. I'm meeting up with him tomorrow night after Thanksgiving dinner with friends. I'm having all-you-can-eat-sushi birthday dinner with my friends. Unless of course Baby and Delorean are still puking and pooping in which case, no dinner for me! But on Saturday night, we have a real date! Dinner in Forest Hill with just the two of us. This is his last chance to make good on the "click". If there's nothing on Saturday, my decision will be that much easier to make. I have high hopes. I mean, I have coached the guy a lot. Surely he should have found his mojo by now. Surely.

Also, Saturday afternoon I'm having tea with the ladies for my birthday. Very belated but I'm very excited. And Sunday I think I'm going to the One of a Kind Show with my friend who hates her husband.

Stay tuned.

Lonely hump day

I napped when I got home from work. Damn those two glasses of wine. And they were totally a wasted effort. I spent no time alone with The Crush except for when he drove me home. Which is max a 10 minute drive with lights and streetcars and traffic. Sigh. He said he would call me some time this week so we could go for coffee. I have lowered my expectations to expect a late text on Friday night with a location to meet him and his entire familial posse. I don't think I will do that again. I'm tired of his friends and family. I'd like to get to know him and I can't do that when we're surrounded by people I barely know. Also, I was bored last night until I started talking to his friend The Bartender. That coincided roughly with my second glass of wine. He did touch my sleeve once. Is that progress? Unfortunately, I got invited to a Thanksgiving soiree on Saturday evening and I think I have to go. It's potluck so I think I have to cook something too. He said he would let me know. I'm anticipating that will be on Saturday afternoon. I should probably bake my famous apple crumble. That way, even if I don't go, I'll have something I actually want to eat myself for breakfast. The soiree is at a couple's house. They are good friends of The Other Guy. I feel a bit awkward but I'm not sure I can get out of it unless The Crush just doesn't call me. The Other Guy said he might call tonight after he was done making dinner for a friend. But he didn't call. I'm sad. I miss him. He made me laugh via email all day today.

Bubbles

He still makes time stand still when he smiles at me...

Screw up

I always fuck up the good things. He's not coming next weekend. And I'm not sure if I'm going to see him the following weekend. I feel bad for being the reason that his buddies are going to get turfed out of a free place to stay. And he wants to slow things down. I'm not good at that. I'm better with the emergency brake, backing the car up and tearing back up the same dirt road that got me here. I told him I wouldn't be sleeping with Grey anymore. I'm not sure if that's a promise I'm capable of keeping. Not because I don't want to keep the promise. But because I feel stupid and small and worthless. And when I feel like this, I do stupid and worthless and reckless things. For example, I am going to smoke a cigarette now. I know it will make me feel shitty. I really don't want one. And it's cold outside. But I know it will numb the pain and stop the tears. So I go in search of temporary relief. Because I don't know how to stop wishing I was dead. I'm sure everything will look better in the morning.

Who makes these rules?

Neither of them called me today. No text messages. Nothing. I'm a little frustrated and annoyed but I find I'm not as disappointed as I would normally expect. I suppose it helps that I'm not very attached to either of them and this entire situation is creating a little too much drama in my life right now. Anyway, back to House while the laundry is in the dryer. At least House is predictable. I just wish he and Cutty would get it on already!

Oh yeah, I also saw an awesome movie today. It's called Slumdog Millionnaire. You should see it.

Swordfighting

I am bubbling and it's 4.35 am! I met up with The Crush for midnight ice cream and hot chocolate and invited him over to chat after he suggested we just drive around in his car and talk. He did most of the talking about many things - work, school, life etc. I listened and ask questions because I'm good at that. He's going to call me tomorrow. Apparently our mutual friend bullied him into expressing more than a passing interest and I'm not sure whether to be mortified or flattered. A bit of both, I guess. He said that some guys just need that kind of push. He's going to call tomorrow! I know I already said that but I find that prospect exciting in and of itself. I updated him on the situation with The Other Guy and he told me to do whatever I need to do. He also said he wouldn't swordfight with him and I said "good, because it's not really up to you guys; it's up to me!" And he laughed. I am no closer to deciding which of them is the "better" man because they are both great. Generous, kind, fun, gentle, gentlemen. I am glad to include them on my roster of new friends and will do my best to deserve either of them. The Other Guy makes me laugh and I do feel a connection with him. The Crush still gives me butterflies but is not the smooth, polished man that is the Other Guy. I'm not sure I deserve to be with a human being quite that out of my league. And The Crush is as serious but somehow more cerebral, if that makes any sense. They have both been good to me and that makes me feel good about myself. One of them is sure to be more compatible with my own particular brand of crazy but it's too early to tell. As The Other Guy said, we don't have enough information to make any decisions right now. I'm just happy The Crush and I sat on my couch and talked til this ridiculous hour. I'm looking forward to two phone calls tomorrow.

Gratitude list

This entry was inspired by Susan. I had to dig deep to get started but once I got rolling... well, you'll see.

A (my best friend), Advil
Blankets, books and butterflies. The ones in my tummy not the ones in real life. Those are scary.
Chick flicks, chocolate, crosswords, cuddles
Dancing, dim sum, driving, dictionaries
Eyes, earrings
Food, fondue, fireplaces, firemen
Grey, girlfriends, google
Hugs
Internet
Job (most of the time, anyway)
Ketorolac, kittens, kisses
Light, laughter
Music
Nerds, novels
Orgasms, ocean
Pistachio ice cream, pillows, puzzles, postcards, puppies
Questions I can answer
Rain
Shoes, spoons (the kind in bed), sushi, silence
Trees, thesauruseseses
Umbrellas
Vacations
Wind in the trees, walking, words, widescreen, wine, water
Xerox and x-ray technology, x-rated text messages
Yoga
Zach Levy, zest

Also, The Crush called me very early this morning but I'm a huge slacker with my voice mail and only checked it at midnight. I'm such a moron. Meanwhile, only got one short email from The Other Guy today and no response to my goodnight text. I wonder if I will look back on this post in a year and shake my head because nothing ever happened with either of these two but I will still be fooling around with Grey.

I've said too much

The confusion has ended. 10 hours of sleep helped significantly with that, as did being officially blown off by The Crush. I am relieved. I am starting to develop real feelings for this other guy. Real enough that I don't want to doom it by giving him a blog name. We just spent an hour and 45 minutes on the phone. It was all going wonderfully well until the end of the call. He was funny and we talked about his coming down here in two weekends. Then I told him about Grey. It came up and was unavoidable. He already asked me what I did today and I fudged and felt guilty. I didn't think dim sum, a bad movie, a joint and a mind blowing orgasm with my booty buddy would go over too well. When the subject came around again, I felt like the Universe was giving me a second chance to make things right. I'm being vague on purpose. The details are irrelevant. He just knows that I have an active partner and that we are no longer dating. That we're friends with benefits without the friendship part.

I feel like an idiot. I'm not sure if I will hear from him again. He seemed to be fine with hearing it. In fact, it was more of an issue for me. Because I care what he thinks and don't want him to think less of me for this. He should, I know. I do know that. But he said he wasn't judging. I wish we could have had that conversation in person. Maybe we'll talk about it more if I do see him again. I want to be excited that he wants to come and visit. But now I just feel nauseated. I hate myself, sometimes.

My head hurts

Part of me feels intensely relieved. I am back home as scheduled and my thesis lab work is officially over. I feel good about that.

I haven't heard from The Crush since last Thursday night. I sent him a text message after the wedding was over on Friday. Nothing. I sent him another text message on Monday when I found out we were coming home today. Still nothing. On the off chance that he didn't get them - even though he got them before - I called and left a voice mail this evening. No return call. I am so confused. I really thought there was something.

However, the outrageously cute one, the one that lives in Montreal, was really, really good to me. And that is terrifying. He was considerate, thoughtful, well-dressed, well-spoken, made me laugh, was quiet when I was exhausted, gave up almost his entire weekend for me, took me to Sunday brunch with his sister, and waited until very late last night to finally make a move. We stayed up until 3 am fooling around. He is a hot man. Nice body, great smile. Just the sight of him waiting on the Metro platform for me last night filled me with relief. I haven't felt that way since I met X.

I didn't get back to the prof's house til 7.30 this morning. I did the walk of shame and I was okay with that. I even had to take a nap at a service station for 45 minutes just to make the drive home safely. He called me tonight and we had a good conversation. He wants me to come back to Montreal in two weeks because he has symphony tickets and no date. Even though our mutual friend warned me off, he seems like a really great guy. Decent and even a little shy.

I am so confused. I don't know that I have what it takes to do the long distance thing. I want someone with me here. But when I didn't see him on Monday, I missed him. And it was nice to sleep next to him. He made me breakfast this morning. I'm scared and I'm not sure if I'm ready to be unsingle yet.

How can I be waiting for the one guy who makes the Universe stop spinning to call me when there's another guy who has put in the effort, has made me laugh, is cute and decent, was a perfect gentleman for five days and gave me his undivided attention?

I am so confused.

Perfection

Wedding was perfect. Everyone was happy. Including myself. Picked up Grey for a quickie afterwards. Was just what I needed to help me unwind and get to sleep tonight. Looking forward to the weekend in Montreal :)

Short term outlook

This time tomorrow, it will all be over. Looking forward to Saturday evening in Monteal. Looking forward even further to next weekend when I will hopefully see The Crush! He texted me back today :) Here I was worrying about whether or not he was blowing me off because he didn't respond to my email. Something just feels right about this. I'm going to try and hold onto that and not play stupid guessing games in my brain.

Response to previous comments

Oh my goodness you guys, I really needed to hear all of that. Thank you! Baby turned into bridezilla this evening. Too much to drink, I think. I was told that there was a screaming match between her and Delorean's twin sister. I'm scared to ask her about it so perhaps I won't at all! I am sick of being marriage counselor, bridesmaid, best friend and recipient of bad-tempered high-pitched screeches all rolled into one. Most things are done now, just a few odds and ends to tie up. Hopefully everyone will be able to relax tomorrow and there won't be any more drama. I can't take much more yelling. I am really looking forward to yoga class tomorrow and I'm looking forward even more to getting in my car and driving away from everything on Saturday morning.

I'm a bit concerned that her mother will be offended if I wear black to the wedding. I went to Mexx this morning on my way home from the office and tried on a little purple dress which is gorgeous but outrageously low in the front. I may try it on again tomorrow with some double sided tape to see if I can make it work. I *hate* being a girl. In my next lifetime, I will definitely be a man! Sigh.

Okay, off to bed. Finally! I am so exhausted. I don't think I have had more than 5 hours sleep in the last week or so.

Man help

Ugh, what is wrong with me? I have alternately been second guessing myself and grinning inanely all day. How can one person, one man, have such a complex, brain melting effect on me? Augh. On the one hand, I know I am over thinking it and I should stop. On the other hand, what if he's such a nice guy that he's just being polite and I am mistaking it for interest because I haven't been around nice guys in... oh 31 years? Or, what if he was interested yesterday but changed his mind this morning? I should not be so excited. I should be calm and cool and detached and zen. But when he smiles at me, it feels like there is nobody else left in the world. I found myself looking at his lips last night wondering what it would be like to kiss them. I never do that! Ever! I totally have crush on this guy. An unmanageable, mind bogglingly, silly school-girl, grin-like-an-idiot-at-total-strangers-in-the-mall-because-I-was-thinking-about-him crush. Argh.

Meanwhile, I had a complete meltdown in the evening because I couldn't get the damned faucet off the sink and called Grey. First I called Baby but she didn't seem too sympathetic. Bride brain, I guess. Then I called him and he made fun of me and I freaked out. When I almost hung up on him, he said "easy tiger, I'm leaving work and will be there in half an hour". He came upstairs, immediately went to work with my tools, took off the faucet (I felt less stupid that it took him a while to loosen the screws and everything) and then proceeded to hug me and joke around with me until I stopped crying and berating myself for being less than entirely independent. I let him work his magic and it felt good to have him work so hard to make me smile. He didn't even seem to mind that I turned him down for sex. I hate being alone because I hate asking for help and he made me feel better. For that, I appreciate him.

Honestly though, I really want to believe there is something better out there for me than him and this, our fucked up "relationship". Preferably with The Crush I mentioned in the first paragraph. I would really like to have someone, not just anyone, but someone like The Crush, in my life. Not to fix my faucets but to come over and hug me until the tears go away. If there is no-one else for me except Grey, the next 50 years are going to be pretty solitary.

Happy Monday

I don't really have time to post right now because I'm tired and need sleep but I am walking on a cloud and can't stop smiling. I had drinks with my friend who knows Grey and the guy from two Saturdays ago. Not the outrageously cute one who I am visiting in Montreal next weekend but the other one. The one who made the Universe stop spinning. I don't think that I imagined our "moment". He seems so great. Nice and funny and sweet and thoughtful. His smile is infectious. I can't even begin to describe the way it makes me feel. I am just glad I met him. Even if we are only friends, I will be happy with that. Is that crazy?

Eyeball deep in wedding spreadsheets

Shizzle got done today peeps. Mostly by me but a bit by Baby. She bought her bridesmaid gifts and her wedding necklace at the mall. She went to her marriage class. And I... I did lots and lots.

I created my master spreadsheet. Can I tell you what the tabs are? Pretty please? Okay fine, just skip to the bottom of the list!
My weekend task list
Tasks_6 days
Seating arrangement
Vendors
Wedding procession
Rehearsal dinner task list
Florist contract
Stuff to bring to wedding
Photography list
Table numbers (Chinese characters)
DJ playlist_ceremony
DJ playlist_events
DJ playlist_dancing
Schedule

I know, it's freakin' awesome. I can't wait to print the schedule out in colour at work on Monday. It's Friday night. Is that sad? Am I a sad, sad catless spinster woman? Because I'm very happy I got all this stuff done and I had a lot of fun doing it. Now I can really enjoy the bachelorette party tomorrow night. I'm starving. I think I need a food break. I know it's 2 am but I had two Pepsis today and I'm going to be awake for a couple more hours.

Okay I'm back.

I was thinking about this online dating thing. And GH's post about closure and not-knowing. I'm a big believer in not simply disappearing. It's not right. Not just because it's rude. It's callous and inconsiderate and cowardly. On Wednesday, after the horrendous date with the gay man, I received an email from him asking to see me again. I declined and I like to think I did so politely. I didn't give him an specific reasons, just that I didn't think we were right for each other and got the impression that he felt the same. I also didn't offer friendship as a consolation prize because he stated repeatedly that he was not interested in friendship. I did offer to be a rock climbing partner but I doubt I will hear from him again. I feel better for having actually sent him a rejection and not simply ignoring his email. I would have said the same thing if he had phoned and I thought the choice to email rather than phone was rather telling. Having received the same treatment only a week ago, I hope that this dating karma perpetuates itself through the Universe. You know, pay it forward. "It" being kindness, right?

I don't know why men disappear. Gay Tuesday night guy said that it's because rejection stings. I don't follow the logic. Was he suggesting that disappearing is better than asking for a follow up date because it's less scary to wonder what might have been than to take a chance on asking? I always assumed that men disappeared because they just weren't that into me. And I hate that most men can't just say goodbye politely with an "I just don't think this is right". I appreciate that kind of honesty. I believe that disappearing is the mark of a coward. So, while I'm better off without that man, it's frustrating to wait. Really, really frustrating.

As a corollary, I often find myself wondering what I did or said to merit such rudeness. I mean, I must be doing something heinous, no? No, okay, I admit, rationally I can understand that the reasons men disappear are probably not related to me as much as to their own peculiar brand of neuroses. Maybe I wear too much pink. Or my laugh is too manly. Or my boobs are too big. Or I'm too independent. I'm not vulnerable to perverted and predatory behaviour so they move on to the next unsuspecting victim. I don't know. Rationally, I understand with my brain that it probably wouldn't serve me well to know "WHY". And eventually, the "WHY" fades. It's less "what the hell happened to you?" and more "huh, the mysteries of the male psyche". Granted, it takes a very long time to get there. That's because my heart and my brain are apparently disconnected. They do seem to share the same body some of the time. But it's infrequent when it comes to dating and men.

Are you still on the crazy rambling train?

I haven't had much experience dating women who subsequently disappear. Actually, I've never dated a woman. But thinking about the reasons my girlfriends disappear, I hypothesize that women who exhibit the same behaviour are trying to fill a hole as well. A very different hole but it's a void nonetheless. My friends who exhibit this behaviour have low self-esteem and seek happiness in material, ephemeral pursuits. Like cute boys, new clothes, clubs and other trivial stuff. Nothing lasts long. The clothes are cheap, the clubs are boring and the boys are fluff. Needless to say, these girls don't stay friends with me for long. Rather, I don't stay friends with them. Then, when they come wheedling back because the latest cute boy has dumped them or their birthday is coming up and they want more stuff gifts, I screen. It's not hard. I'm usually very busy. Sometimes I feel like a bitch for being this way but I don't have the time or energy to deal with that sort of crap.

I wish I was as obstinate and no-nonsense with Grey. He said he would try to come by this weekend to help me with my faucet. He also said he would come to the bachelorette party but he changed his mind about that today. Sigh. I guess he won't be coming by to play Joe Plumber/Desperate Housewife any time soon. Why does he continue to have this effect on me? And can I really be open to someone "better" while I continue to feel this way about him? The feelings show no sign of abating almost one year after the "I'm not in love with you" fiasco. Is it possible to feel heartache for one and simultaneous heart palpitations for another? Or, in the words of the wise man, Heathcliff Huxtable, does that mean I have an extra heart? Am I destined to be in this solitary Grey limbo until he falls in love and gets married and has little Greys running around? I did, however, veto his request to meet my mother. Not even my friends meet my mom, let alone guys who booty call me at 2.42 am because they're wasted and want to show off to their newest friend/client/clubbing rat.

I know. I suck. At least I will always have colour-coded Excel wedding spreadsheets.

Frustraged

frustraged (adj): a sense of thwarted purpose causing fits of anger and leading to premature hair loss

I am getting really annoyed with my landlady. My bathroom faucet has been leaking for months so I have been shutting off the water under the sink when I'm not using it. With the really cold weather approaching, I'm getting tired of washing my hands in freezing cold water. I had bought a replacement faucet and was all prepared to phone the plumber. But she wants me to remove the existing faucet and take it to Home Depot to see if they will replace it. The problem is, I can't get it off the sink. I tried today but I can't figure it out. I can barely see anything because the sink is in the way. When I loosened one of the nuts, the pipes started dripping and I started to worry that I had actually made it worse because nothing else would give. I can't afford to have a leak. I'm rarely home and will be leaving for Montreal in a week. I think I will just call her tomorrow and tell her that I broke the pipes and now have a leak under the sink and am going out of town soon. Hopefully that will get her sufficiently alarmed that she will agree to let me just call the plumber and take care of it! Is that terrible? Sigh. I need a bicycle. I hate not being able to do absolutely everything myself and I have no-one to ask for help. The whole thing makes me so frustrated I could cry. Well, I am but I'm pretending not to.

Update: F*ck now I can't use the damn sink at all. I dismantled the drain and now I can't figure out how to get it back on. The pipes are dripping into the cabinet now. I put a bucket under there but I can't go to Montreal next weekend and leave it like that F*ckety f*ck.

Blarg

Pretending the bachelorette party isn't going to happen is not helping me figure out what to wear. I will be back momentarily. I also really have to pee.

So much for momentarily. I wish I was a tall, slender-muscled woman with larger-than-average breasts, a flat to concave stomach and a nice ass. Instead, I am short and more on the stout side than skinny. Fortunately, I was blessed with my dad's perky butt and not my mother's saggy one. There are only a handful of men on the planet that are aware of my breast size. And my doctor. I have good teeth and hair but people seem to take that for granted these days. Sigh. Enough of that. Wishing won't make it so.

The make up and photography trial was today. Make up was okay. Decent but not fabulous. Photographers are awesome. I'm looking forward to seeing the photos. If I still live in the province when they arrive! Is it wrong that I'm looking forward to getting the colour-coded spreadsheet from the photographer? I'm very behind on my own. Oh my God, it just arrived! So exciting! Must look at it before bed :)

Bad date

OH.MY.GOD. That was painful. I knew as soon as we shook hands that it was not going to be a fun evening. I have a rule about handshakes. If your handshake isn't firm, we can't be friends. His was like a dead fish. To be honest, he set off my "gaydar" but maybe it's not that finely tuned! He told me he had been on 90 dates in 5 years. Okay, that only averages one date every two weeks but he said he had been in relationships that lasted a few months. I tried to be open-minded and non-judgmental. Maybe I was just in shock. Or practicing for my Canadian diplomatic service entrance exam. I couldn't get out of there fast enough and that took 2 hours!

There were a myriad of other character flaws including interrupting me and talking over me. I didn't laugh once the entire night. I thought at first that I would nurse my glass of wine but then I decided to toss half of it back and nurse the second half. When he ordered a second glass, I almost fell over and died. After that, I stopped caring what he was saying and just sat there wondering if he was bisexual or just gay. When he condescended to let me speak, I just said whatever I was thinking. No filtering going on at all. He must have thought I was a total nut job. This is the first time "drinks" has not turned into dinner. Ah well, at least I got to come home and lie on the couch. I can't remember the last time I did that. Must have been well over a week ago.

And woo hoo I got my birthday wish :) Is anyone else excited about the history that was made today? I am, and I'm not even a political junkie. I have no good reason for being happy. Just intuition. It's a lot like dating, actually. You just know that something is right. Does that ever happen to you? You meet someone and you just know that it's right. It's like meeting a friend of a friend who has a very firm handshake and you just know that this is a decent, upstanding human being. Or you meet someone who says something funny and, as you laugh, you just know that you have something in common with someone who, just a moment before was some random stranger. I'm looking for that someone who, when I look at him and he smiles at me, the laws of science cease to apply for just a second. But then, when the moment passes, I can put it in my pocket and take it with me wherever I go.

Too much to ask? Yeah, I thought so.

Milestone passed

Is it pathetic that I was sad that I had nobody to help me carry balloons, birthday cake and leftovers up from the underground parking today? I found it overwhelming to be the centre of attention at my birthday "party". On top of having to control my temper with my mother and failing miserably at that early in the evening, being inhibited by her presence was just exhausting. But I am very touched that three of my girlfriends went to such efforts on a Monday evening. I had pink balloons, pink cake and a gift card for the mall. I am debating actually purchasing this outfit.

Okay the website is taking forever. Let's just say it's an outrageously HAWT pant suit. Yes people, I said a pant suit. The pants and the top are actually attached! The thing is, I put it on and looked totally smoking. I am thinking of spending $140 I don't have on the damn thing. I had to walk over to the men's section of the store to have my ass scanned as the bar code had fallen off and every single male head turned to stare. That has never happened to me before. Two guys walked by and said "that's beautiful". That has happened before though ;)

So I walked away knowing that it would still be there tomorrow. I might go to a different store to visit it again. Maybe take a friend.

Other than that, the day was relatively uneventful. I went to pick up my gift from the Government of Ontario. They charged me $134 for my vehicle registration renewal which was charming. I must remember to put the sticker on next time I drive my car. Then I came home after much fruitless shopping for a not-black dress for Baby's wedding (her mother is superstitious so I thought I would make an effort to at least look for another dress). Talked to X on the phone for a while about Halloween, weddings and random crap.

Tomorrow I really must pretend to work on my thesis. Pilates class in the evening is followed by a "meet" - I am no longer referring to them as dates - with another random PoF guy. We talked on the phone and he sounded normal. Not that that's an indication of anything, clearly. Also, one of the guys from Saturday night sent me a fb message. Yay the miracle worked! But it was the cute one, not the chemical one. Sigh. Oh well, it's early yet in dating time right? Maybe he'll reach out later in the week.

Just got an email from my former Valentine. Do normal people consider 256 a nice round number? Hell yes! I must come up with a new name for him.

Happy birthday me!

I was going to reply to GH's previous comment but I decided this thought merited a post.

It has taken me years to get to my present mental state. The two hardest lessons I have learned as a single, independent woman are:

1. Don't give a crap what most people think. It's a total waste of time. Just let it go. I was fortunate enough to get a ticket when the Dalai Lama visited Vancouver and his presence was phenomenal. I learned that emotions and feelings are normal and natural. What we choose to do with them, however, is completely within our own control. Therefore, in order to control your actions, you must accept your emotions, acknowledge them and understand them before you can let them go. As a corollary to this, I have also learned that we are often our own harshest critic and most damning judge. It's a lot less effort to be less hard on yourself.

2. Happiness is intertwined with my outlook on life. Okay, that was inside a fortune cookie I got many years ago. But I have learned that happiness is as simple as a conscious decision to just be happy. It was a difficult lesson to learn and I really resisted it in the beginning. And that's not to say I'm happy all the time. Clearly if you read my blog, you will know that isn't the case. But overall, I am happier now than I was in 2004. Back then, I didn't even know I wasn't happy.

Finally, on a somewhat unrelated note, to my dear American friends, it is officially my birthday. I don't ask for much. In fact, normally I ask for nothing. But this year, I would really like a Democrat in the White House. I'm too hungover and tired to articulate my reasons. Is it enough to say that gut instinct tells me this is what North America needs right now? Can I just ask for that because it would make me happy?

Hmmm.....

I think I may have had two men hitting on me tonight. Not entirely sure because I had a little too much to drink. Okay, a lot too much to drink. But, if I had been sober, I would definitely think there was some blatant competition going on. But yeah, still drunk. Thank goodness for daylight savings. I am going to dance in the dark for a little while.

Wait, I need to write this down. One was way cute and sweet and fun. The other though, he was "it". Great smile, fabulous chemistry. I wanted him to come with us but he didn't. Maybe he's bad news. He made the universe stop spinning. Dear God, please let the miracle of facebook come through for me. I need a replacement for Grey, if nothing else.

Halloween schmalloween

Definitely this "holiday" is overrated. Someone please remind me to skip it next year. Baby and I spent most of the afternoon scouring stores for candy. Costco ran out. Walmart ran out. We had to go to Shopper's Drug Mart and their shelves were pretty bare by the time we got there at 5.30. Baby probably spent around $100 on candy and snack crap (Welsh's fruit chews, Reese's Snacksters, individual bags of Ruffles) from Costco and we ran out! Yes, that's right, we ran out of damn candy at about 8.30. I even had to give away the reserve stash I bought just for myself which sucks. Oh well, I need candy like I need another hole in my head.

We definitely had over 200 kids come by her house and it was overwhelming. Especially the older kids and teenagers who we had to turn away at the end so that we had candy left for the littlest kids. They were pretty cute and I understand dressing them up to go visit the neighbours. But some of the "kids" were bigger than me. Okay fine, I'm not that big myself but still. The worst was the 50-something year old woman who ran up to the door with her kids with her bag out. I gave her a pretty dirty look (good thing they're not my neighbours!) and she gave me a sheepish giggle. I still gave her candy but I wish I hadn't. Christ, some people have no shame. Delorean said she was probably going to sell it at her store later.

Anyway, after that we ordered pizza and sat in the dark until 10 pm. Then we went downtown for a drink at Milestone's. Man, it was insane. I have never seen downtown that busy in all my years of living in this city. I have to admit that I don't understand dressing up to go out clubbing. Maybe I'm just not very creative but I can't imagine spending time, energy and money on a costume that I'll wear once and then freeze my ass off standing in line to get into a club. I don't stand in line to get into clubs on regular days, let alone when I'm wearing a damn costume. I'm sure cover was jacked up last night. And there were some pretty outrageous costumes out there last night.

Anyway, I'm having lunch at A's parent's house and then driving my mother to her next port of call which happens to be the apartment of my favourite septuagenarians kitty corner to my place. "Fortunately" I seem to have lost my spare key.