The Rules

Some time ago, I wrote down a list of things I'm looking for in a man.

In no particular order:

1. Manners. Say please and thank you. Open my door once in a while. Offer me a drink when I come over.
2. Hygiene. Brush, floss, mouthwash, wash your hands, don't use the same knife on meat and veggies... Hygiene is based on science. I'm a science geek.
3. Tone of voice. I'm hypersensitive to this. I try hard not to be but I can't help it. If you yell at me, I will probably cry when you're not looking.
4. Toilet seat. Put the fucking lid down already. That way we all have to lift something up. This is a non-negotiable item.
5. Shoes. Self-explanatory, I think.
6. Food. Will exchange sex for breakfast. My dream is to be with a man that likes to cook for me. In return, I'll do dishes til death do us part.
7. Phone calls. If you say you're going to call, do it. I'd rather he didn't call and didn't promise than waiting around expecting.
8. Humility. I want to hear "sorry" when we both know he is wrong and sometimes when he isn't. While I understand that women and men use "sorry" differently, if he's not humble enough to admit "weakness", I'm not attracted.
9. Clean towels. If I shower at his place, I want him to be considerate enough to offer me a clean towel without me having to ask.
10. Dance. If we're out and I'm dancing, dance with me. A man that won't dance because cares about looking foolish on the dance floor sucks in bed. Also non-negotiable.
11. Hangers. Wooden hangers turn me on. Especially when the closet is super organized like mine: season, function, colour.
12. Spelling. If he can't speel, we can't have sxe. I am willing to make an exception for men for whom English is not their first language. And men who can beat me at Scrabble.
13. Laugh. If he gets me, he'll try to make me laugh. "Laughter is the thinking girl's aphrodisiac" - Fish (http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/). Non-negotiable: I'm grumpy and bitchy enough for more than one person and despair/cynicism/sadness is exhausting for both people. I learned that the hard way from my parents.
14. Independence. If you live at home and/or can't drive, go away. Non-negotiable.
15. Work. He has to make at least as much money as I do. Preferably significantly more ;) "I ain't saying she a golddigger..."
16. Babies. He has to be comfortable holding a baby. It's a sign of self-confidence.
17. Education. More than high school and preferably university or equivalent life experience.
18. Plan. I have a schedule. A man that expects me to fit my life into his schedule isn't going to get a lot of face time.
19. Fake it. If you normally live like a slob, for crying out loud clean when you know I'm coming over.
20. Neuroses. It would be nice to be with someone who is as neurotic as I am and won't care that I have to have 3 rolls of toilet paper stacked in a pyramid on the toilet tank at all times. For once, I would like to talk to a man who doesn't get scared off when I say what I'm thinking or feeling.

I don't think that I'm picky and I don't think I have unattainably high standards. I'm in search of laughter and happiness and companionship. But I also truly believe that it's an illusion and that we're all really alone. I have my issues so maybe that's just a cop out so I won't have to deal with them. I know I have a pattern of being attracted to emotionally-unavailable, narcissistic, substance-abusing men but I can't figure out how to break it. A couple of years ago, I realized suddenly that I wouldn't have a problem living alone for the rest of my life. Perhaps that's sad but I like sleeping alone and not sharing my bathroom and not having to wonder if there's still ice cream in the freezer. I just don't think it's possible to have good conversation and good sex with the same man.

I should not have read over my old blog entries. I'm just about ready to cry. Bed. Now.

Imaginary argument

I had a big imaginary argument with Grey in the car. (Yes, I talk back to the voices). In my head, I let him have it for constantly making me feel shitty about myself. In my imaginary argument, I yelled and cried. I told him that he was a colossal jerk for always making me shitty about myself. For behaving like a child by provoking an unnecessary argument. For thinking that he's better than me. And for making me believe that is true. I told him that I was smart and capable and that I deserve to be treated better. And then, because we were driving, I pulled over and made him get out. Then I drove away and felt shitty and wished that I hadn't lost my temper. From this imaginary argument, I learned that it never feels good to get angry. That's it far better to be level-headed and deal with negativity in a productive, mature way. Now if only I could figure out how to do that in real life.

I'm very tired so I think I should try to go to bed right now. I wish it helped to think constructively about my interactions with Grey. Perhaps it will help me in my next relationship. If I ever stop thinking about him long enough to get over him. I have to keep reminding myself that two Friday nights in a row do not a relationship make.

High

I spent the night at Grey's last night. It was late so we didn't have quite as much sex as last weekend. But we made up for that this morning. I think I even slept a couple of hours in between.

I was out with friends last night and really didn't expect to see him. It had been a long day in the lab and, when I got home, there were no missed calls and no plans. So I called my friend, Baby, and it turned out that she and her husband wanted to go out downtown. So we decided to meet in this little Chinese place called Swatow on Spadina and then perhaps go out for a drink afterwards. I called and left a message with Grey fully expecting that he would decline. Which he did. But his text said "maybe later" and I thought, at the time, he meant "next time" as opposed to later that night.

The food at Swatow is so good and the service is super friendly. It's a tiny little place so we had to share a table with two strangers but it was worth it. I have a craving for Chinese at least once a week and there was no food leftover at the end. My sweater smells like Chinese food. Or maybe that's my jeans. After that, we walked over to the clubbing neighbourhood and had a few drinks. Baby's husband, Delorean, is funny. Sometimes I wish he would grow up and be a man but he does know how to have a good time. We were joined after that by another friend. She's an old friend from university but I'm drifting away from her. She can't stand her husband despite their only being married for a year. She is always complaining about something and I find that annoying.

Anyway, she came by and Delorean said he wanted to go dancing. So I took them to the Brant House where they were playing early 90s hip hop and he really had a good time. By that point I was on my fourth drink and feeling more than a little nauseous. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to mix. Beer with dinner. My special martini followed by a Caramel Kiss (Bailey's, milk, caramel syrup) at Milestone's. Then a Crown Royale and ginger ale (or a gennaro ginger for those in the know). I was officially drunk after that. We danced for an hour and left shortly after 1. I got a text from Grey as soon as I got in the to go cab home. "You still up?" which is secret code for "this is a booty call". When I called him back, he changed his mind and decided to stay with his friends. So I hung up and texted him "You're such a tease. I'll have to go home and get the toys out." It totally worked. He called back immediately and told me to come get him. I probably shouldn't have been driving but I was really happy to see him.

I'm so happy right now I feel like I'm high. He made filet mignon and home fries for breakfast. Not gourmet but I won't ever complain about his cooking. He was his usual jackass self at breakfast but I think I pushed back enough without being a complete bitch. I told him that, if I cared what he thought of me, I'd have been gone months ago. I'm not sure if he agreed with me and he's right not to. I do care what he thinks, to a certain extent. He did admit that he likes to push people's buttons which makes it easier to brush off his asinine judgments. I wonder if that's an inferiority complex from not going to university.

He is capable of being sweet sometimes. When he threw his bottle cap at me and it hit me square on the nose, he walked over and kissed it better. I don't appreciate the negativity followed by an apology. It's immature and would drive me up the wall very quickly. But there has to be a reason for it. I'm not sure why he chooses breakfast to be so antagonistic. Maybe it's the way he was raised. Four boys around the kitchen table. I can totally picture it. So maybe he does think well of me but it goes against the grain to admit it. Even if he does think he's better than me, I know I can't change the way he feels. But I can at least conduct myself with enough self-respect and dignity, combined with my usual ball-breaking "I could give a rats ass what you think" attitude, that he can learn to respect me.

Listen to me talking like this is going somewhere. Two Friday nights in a row do not a relationship make. He does make me smile though.

Marriage, Ltd.

I was washing glassware in the lab this evening and it occurred to me, what if I meet a guy that's great but we don't fall in love? Supposing we have the same philosophy about love and romance. That love isn't real. Instead we both believe that people in relationships commonly mistake hormones and attraction for love. And romance is just extended foreplay. That relationships are partnerships. Like a business arrangement, they take mutual understanding, hard work, communication and pre-determined rules of engagement. Supposing I find a guy who believes this as well. And we decide to get married, or whatever, because we have a good time together. What happens if one of us falls in love? With someone else, obviously. Because if you fell in love with your marital business partner, that would probably be okay. But what if I found a guy like this who then fell in love with another woman? Would I say to him, "okay, go be with her if that will make you happy"? Or would I tell him to continue being in love with her but still stay married to me? Just for the sake of having a man around the house to take out the garbage and help cut the grass.

I think I'm back to the whole "love isn't real" thing because it hasn't been hard for me to refrain from emailing or texting Grey. It's not that I don't want to. I still talk to him in my head. But it's easier for me not to make contact with him right now. I'm hoping this willpower will last for a couple of weeks. At least until he goes to Jamaica.

Lab geek

I almost skipped class today. But then I completed my faculty evaluation and realized how great my prof is. He's also one of my co-supervisors. So I decided to go and it was a good class, as usual. It was fun and educational. More of a group discussion than a lecture. And I was strangely energized afterwards. I went to Costco with a friend this evening so I didn't have a full day at school. Which means I didn't get any work done in the lab but I did gang up on him with another of his grad students and we requested a 2-10 mL pipette. At first, he laughed at us but he eventually came around after we offered to raise money through a bake sale. I'm really excited to be getting this pipette as it is going to save me a lot of time down the road. We don't have to do the bake sale but we do have to bake him something. I think I heart him. He really is a great guy. If he were my type, it would be a good thing that he's married.

I'm exhausted today. I'm going to try and take advantage of this window. I have a long couple of days ahead. Grad school is hard.

Easter parade

Tonight, I went over to a friend's place for a drink. He's actually a friend of B's from high school but he lives around the corner from me and we are in the fledgling stages of post-breakup be-friends-with-my-buddy's-ex thing. He's a decent guy and we have had a reasonably good time together on the two occasions I have been over there for a drink. Conversation is average, body language is slightly awkward (probably more on my part because he is B's friend), couple of drinks, couple of cigarettes. He is a nice guy, which is probably why I'm not attracted to him. But tonight I left his place feeling less than happy. I'm not sure why that was. I could have stayed a bit longer but I felt I had to leave. I wonder if it was the details of his recent fling things. Two gorgeous , successful women older than him. Neither looking for commitment or even a relationship beyond the occasional date. I guess maybe it hit a little too close to home. Perhaps Grey is having the same conversation with his friends and I'm just part of the parade.

Maybe I'm just tired and stressed. I have a feeling there will be tears on my pillow tonight. I'm tired, but not exhausted. Low, though.

Beyond tired

I am so tired. I was yawning while out at dinner. At 9.30 pm. It's now 3 hours later, I've been home for 2 hours and I'm still not in bed. Why? Because, last night, I went to sleep early - at 2 am - and couldn't sleep. So I ended up crying. As always. I'm going to bed right.now. I have an eventful day tomorrow. I'm cutting off all my hair in the morning and donating it to somewhere. And then I have a thyroid ultrasound in the afternoon. Follow up from last year to make sure there is no change.

Satisfied

I just had the most sex I have ever had with one person. I went over to Grey's last night. We were supposed to do dinner and a movie but he had a wedding and I had a housewarming so we were playing it by ear. It was late and I had a feeling he would call and ask to postpone til tonight. But he called at 10 and I was over there by 11. He was actually sending me emails all afternoon but I was out and didn't get them til this morning. But more on that later.

When I got there, he poured himself a scotch and cracked a beer open for me and then gave me the biggest hug. It felt so good. And I had been planning to tell him that I was glad we could still do this so I did. I think he appreciated that. We didn’t make it out of the hallway before he had my clothes off. I love kissing him. He’s so affectionate and passionate. But he also likes it rough which is fine with me. I think I actually prefer it from behind. We started off in the kitchen/hallway, then moved to the couch, then the ottoman, then his wing chair. And finally, after the beer had kicked in, we did it up against the windows looking out onto the highway. The lights were off so I doubt anyone without a telescope and night-vision could see us. But it was still a turn-on. One more thing to cross off my list.

We finally went to bed well after midnight. And then we had sex again this morning. He had an orgasm for the first time in a long time so that made me really happy, despite my not having one. I’m covered in scratches and I’m sore. My hips hurt too much to even work out today. I think I’m completely satisfied by the way things turned out. It felt so comfortable spooning with him. I don’t think I slept much but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make occasionally. We actually fit perfectly together and that makes me feel so safe and relaxed. And dim sum this morning was delicious. And then, to top all that off, I came home and read his emails. Those made me smile. It was nice to know that he was thinking about me yesterday.

I still think that I’m in love with him and would welcome more than the occasional night together but I accept that I can't expect anything from him. Right now, it's enough for me that we can still have a good time because I thought, at one point, that I had lost everything. I'm not big on hoping for more, mostly because I am really bad at disappointment. So I think I'll just continue to work with zero expectations for now. Perhaps in the future I will decide that I deserve "better" and get angry or upset or whatever. But today I'm okay. In fact, I’m more than okay. I’m happy.

Craving

Grey called last night. I have been randomly texting and emailing back and forth with him since the Valentine's Day booty call. I have even talked to him a couple of times. I was starting to think he had cooled off and maybe started seeing someone in the last couple of weeks. But yesterday, he sent a message asking what was on for the weekend so I asked him if he felt like dim sum throwing in some waxed legs as an incentive. And he took me up on it. He even called and asked if I wanted to do dinner and a movie and then stay over and have dim sum in the morning.

Part of me realizes that he just wants attention and company. But I don't care. I'm trying not to get over excited about seeing him but I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and a warm heart. I'm also starting to get a bit horny. I love the way he touches me. I'm glad it's a holiday as I probably wouldn't be able to focus on anything. I might walk to campus to see if I can get into the building and do a couple of hours work. Just to soothe my brain and boost my self-esteem before seeing him.

The sad truth about relationships

http://www.fliggo.com/video/NTtenBNg

I was at the gym last night and the same older Asian lady was there again. She had a towel on her head. But this time, she was drying her stark naked body under a hand dryer. Grey asked for photos.

Tropical Hawaiian Mist

I had a martini on Friday night at Marlowe's that was delicious. Vanilla stoli, malibu rum, lemon juice, pineapple juice and a shot of cassis.

Tears

The tears arrived. Suddenly. Without warning. I was thinking about a friend. An old friend. J, actually. I don't know why I'm crying. I had dinner with him today. And it was like it always was. Well, except that it wasn't just the two of us. We were out with the rest of the Usual Suspects.

There are two perfectly round tear drops on my desk. And one on the end of my nose that's about to fall off. Who knows where it will land?

Numb

I logged in to blog and realized I had no words. So I logged out. Then I realized I'm numb. I feel like I'm suspended in time and space. Like everything else is swirling around me but I am motionless. Nothing touches me. Even the usual exquisite agony of missing Grey seems to be dulled. Is this my heart healing itself? Or is my body just so exhausted that my mind is shutting down? I'm going to lie on the floor in the living room. In the dark. With Usher and Young Jeezy singing some meaningless song about Love in this Club.

It didn't work. I thought about some of the moments in all of my meaningful relationships. I almost felt something a few times but it passed and the feelings evapourated. I'm probably just numb because I had a cigarette while I was driving home from dinner and it has killed everything inside. Temporarily. I should probably go to sleep while it lasts. Maybe there won't be any tears tonight.

Ogling at the gym

My life has officially become boring.

I skipped my run today because I forgot my mp3 player at home. So I was in the locker room a little early this week and was met by a disturbing sight. There was an older Asian lady in the change room and she was stark naked except for a towel on her head. She spent at least 10 minutes looking in the mirror doing various things. God help me, I couldn't help glancing over occasionally as she stood there primping trying to figure out what the hell was taking her so long. My final glance was somewhat longer as I shamelessly and curiously ogled her. Her body looked a bit like mine. Saggy in all the old places. Cellulite and dimples clearly visible in profile. Belly protruding and shoulders slightly stooped. A large puff of black hair poking out from her pubic area. She was flossing. Naked! Flossing!! In the change room!!! Ew, so nasty. Grey's response to my text message was even nastier. I knew he was that guy but it made me laugh. Ick. I'm shaking my head at the whole thing.

Alone again

Tonight is the first time I have cried about Grey for a couple of weeks. Mostly because I spent the last two weeks being totally exhausted. A puppy is a huge responsibility. I'm glad to have my single commitment-free, responsibility-free life back. And it's an additional relief that I don't have to be out pooping-and-scooping in this crap weather. I do miss the way Charlie would lick my wrists when I was putting on his collar. And when I would sit on the floor and he'd put his paws on my shoulders and lick my earlobes. I miss his lovable cuteness. I even miss his spazzy insane puppy skirmishes across the living room floor a little bit. But my life is better without a dog. For now, anyway. When I'm ready, I'll know.

As for Grey, I still miss him a lot. I don't think about him all the time anymore. That's a good thing because I'm getting a lot more work done at school. And I'm finally back in a place that I'm happy living alone. Sleeping alone. Not sharing a bathroom. I'm even seriously wondering if I will ever get married. I have no desire to have children. I can't even handle the responsibility of a baby animal let alone a baby human! So why do I need a partner? There's no really good reason to be in a relationship right now. Or perhaps ever. Strangely, that doesn't make me feel lonely.