Mr Snuffalupagus

I just met a very nice man. Someone who has known A for 11 years and who has been my fb friend for almost as long as I have been on fb, who works down the street and who knows many of our mutual friends. He endorsed our love of shoes and even the amount of money we spend on them. I'm not sure why A isn't with him as he is outrageously good looking and also very nice. He tried to convince me that all hope isn't lost in love. That I should have faith in relationships. He didn't succeed but I hope that they both find what they are looking for. Maybe even with each other. Then she could move back here and we could all live happily ever after.

On a totally unrelated note, red wine makes me horny and I want to call Grey. Actually, what I want is for him to booty call me so that I can decline because I have a long lab day planned tomorrow. Then I could suggest tomorrow night. But I don't want sex that badly. Yet.

Oh, and on yet another unrelated note, I was served flaming saganaki (Opa!) and an Opa martini by a fireman tonight. We had dinner at Christina's on the Danforth tonight. I told them I would write that in my journal tonight and it is worthy of mention.

2.30 am update
He seems less nice now. Or perhaps I'm just too cynical. He finally told her that he has feelings for her. Apparently it was obvious to everyone except her. Even though I told her today that he was hardly likely to declare his undying love for her if all the girlfriends were there. Turns out I was right. It gives me little comfort and, for the first time, I find myself unable to be honest with her.

I feel cheapened on her behalf. Like all the things he said to her were laced with ulterior motive. That, all the time he was helping her get through her break up, he was being less than truthful and so now all of his good intentions and helpful thoughts and strong words have less meaning somehow. I'm frustrated with myself for feeling this way. I said earlier that she couldn't help attracting all the men in the room; that they were like bees to honey. And it's true. It's because she's good and kind and compassionate and gentle. All the things that I am not. She is truly the yang to my yin and that's often one of the few things that props up my self-esteem. Because, if she's my friend, I can't be all bad. Right?

I keep telling her to be bitchier, that she's too nice. That people, especially men, take advantage of her. But, more and more, I see that women mistreat her as well. So I will continue to bite my tongue and not let her know that I feel this way. It's not what she needs to hear right now. I don't think that she needed to hear a declaration of undying love from a man she considers a good friend either but perhaps I'm projecting. I wouldn't have wanted to hear it right after a bitter break up but clearly she's stronger, and less cynical, than me. I should be more like her.

I feel very lonely right now.

3.30 am update
I really wish she hadn't called me and woken me up less than an hour after I had fallen asleep. I'm too exhausted to work but wide awake and can't even just lie in bed and relax. I know sleep won't come again tonight and I don't know what to do with myself. I want to cry and yell with frustration. I hate myself for wanting to call her and wake her up right now. I'm so lonely and have no-one to talk to. What I want most is to walk in front of a fast-moving train, bus or tractor-trailer.

Almost 4.30 am update
Dying alone used to be my biggest fear. Now living alone is my biggest fear. I live with it every day. Rather, every night. Because every night, when the lights go out, the monster comes out to play. I try to forget about it by being busy. For the most part, that seems to work just fine. When I'm exhausted, the monster seems smaller. Tonight, I'm lying in the dark thinking of ways to kill myself. (Un)fortunately, I rule them all out in sequence and then start over again. I cried so hard I hyperventilated and almost choked. I went through half a box of Kleenex. I tried to think of all the people I could call or email and ruled them all out. I even thought about calling my dad or emailing my mother. That's how bad it is tonight. I don't know how to ask for help. Or maybe I don't know who to ask. The monster is making me cold so I'm going to hide under the covers. Maybe my pillows and bunny will protect me now.