Augh

There is something wrong with me.

C le V texted me last night when he got home from the airport around 1.30 am. We talked for about 45 minutes. He clearly was excited to hear from me and wanted to talk about his trip and this weekend. It was really nice. To hear his voice and listen to him talk and laugh with him. Even though I just wanted to go to sleep. Now I know what it feels like to be the dude. I was super tired all day today. It was also really nice to have him back on email again. I really missed those too.

Last night when we were talking, he said he would phone me this evening. I know he had plans with friends. I'm assuming he's still out. Because it would be unacceptable for him to get home and not call. I waited up and could have gone to bed hours ago. I'm annoyed at myself for waiting. And disappointed that he didn't call. And I'm feeling the distance which I know is going to translate into reduced warmth and increased reservation when I see him in 24 hours.

See what I mean? There's something wrong with me. I hate that I'm such a clingy, needy, high-maintenance bitch. Urgh, I hate myself.

Blarf

It's Wednesday. C le V is coming home today. He has many long flights but hopefully I will get to talk to him in less than 48 hours. I'm excited about this weekend but also very nervous. What if it's awful? What if we're weird and awkward around each other? What if I'm going all the way there just to have him dump me? What if he does that on Friday night and I have to mope around the city all by myself all weekend? Or sleep on his couch and end up with a crick in my neck and a back spasm and unable to walk? What if we run out of things to talk about, or if we fool around and there's no chemistry or I say something really stupid and he decides he hates me? I'm so nervous I could puke.

I know, I'm being completely neurotic. But the other option is to be so excited that my expectations are totally unrealistic and I come home feeling "meh". Either way, I'm bound to fail. Relationship fail.

I'm a lot better at this pessimism thing than optimism. Which is good, because hope has always disappointed me in the past.

Okay, I'm feeling better now. Thanks.

Screwed up

I was using brownies as an incentive to thesis but now the brownies are gone and nothing has been written. They were yummy though. I have resorted to copying and pasting the text from my conference poster into a Word document. I mean, I already wrote the stuff once before right? Right.

Is it beyond f*cked up that I miss Grey more than I care to admit but am still excited to see C le V next weekend? I do miss C le V too and I just want the next 5 sleeps to be over already!

But I miss Grey as well. A lot. I still think about him a lot. I know it's only been 3 weeks since he asked me to never speak to him again and I know it's not soon enough to know for certain that he is out of my life forever. I flip flop between missing him and being angry at him and being relieved that it's over. Mostly I'm relieved. But sometimes I'm angry. Angry that he played so many games with my brain. Angry that he actually considered my moving in with him in April. Angry that he couldn't express any feelings to me except resentment and anger and harshness. That the one time he was happy to see me he was still guarded about it and the whole thing felt surreal. And of course I miss him. It's ridiculous to me expect not to miss him. Hopefully that will fade with separation and distance and time. But, for now, I continue to miss him.

I miss him enough that, if I think too hard about it, or listen to the wrong song, I realize that there's a wormhole that goes from the centre of my soul to the furthest ends of the Universe. That, if I get too close to the edge, I'll fall in and will never be able to escape.

Back to Britney. Hard to believe that she's saving my sanity.

Superstar
Where you from, how's it going?
I know you
Gotta clue, what youre doing?
You can play brand new to all the other chicks out here
But I know what you are, what you are, baby

Look at you
Gettin' more than just re-up
Baby, you
Got all the puppets with their strings up
Fakin' like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em
I know what you are, what you are, baby

Womanizer
Woman-Womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh Womanizer
Oh You're a Womanizer Baby
You, You You Are
You, You You Are
Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Got Me Goin'
You're Oh-So Charmin'
But I can't do it
U Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Say I'm Crazy
I got Your Crazy
You're nothing but
A Womanizer

Daddy-O
You got the swagger of champion
Too bad for you
Just can't find the right companion
I guess when you have one too many, makes it hard
It could be easy
Who you are, that's who you are, baby

Lollipop
Must mistake me you're a sucker
To think that I
Would be a victim not another
Say it, play it how you wanna
But no way I'm ever gonna fall for you, never you, baby

Womanizer
Woman-Womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh Womanizer
Oh You're a Womanizer Baby
You, You You Are
You, You You Are
Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Got Me Goin'
You're Oh-So Charmin'
But I can't do it
U Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Say I'm Crazy
I got Your Crazy
You're nothing but
A Womanizer

Maybe if we both lived in different worlds
(Womanizer Womanizer Womanizer Womanizer)
It would be all good, and maybe I could be ya girl
But I can't 'cause we don't
You...

Photographic proof

Our mutual friend posted a photo of me and Capitaine le Vomi on crackbook this evening. I actually have no recollection of the photo even being taken and it took me a few minutes to figure out where we were. I mean, logically I knew it was at the bar that fateful night he acquired his nickname but I don't really remember him being that up close and personal with me. I remember mostly distance and awkwardness on my part in response to his drunken flirtatiousness. That was just prior to creepy drunk club guy hitting on everything with boobs pinball type "dancing" behaviour. It was truly classy and reminds me how little I know him. A couple of people immediately concluded his behaviour that night was a result of his being nervous to see me. Which is logical because I was feeling pretty nauseated between Belleville and Montreal and then experienced this weird, jittery, throat-clenching fear from the moment we started getting ready to his double cheek kiss. But I don't know? Do guys get that way too? I mean, guys that register 13 on the looks scale? I'm not sure.

In the photo, he has his arm wrapped around my shoulder so tightly that I'm basically tucked into his side. It's not an awful photo, if you can get past how utterly drizzunk we both look. I'm shiny and droopy eyed and his eyes are rimmed red. Now I realize how wasted he must have been even that early in the night. I messed around with it a bit and we look much better grainy and in black and white. I made it my desktop photo. I just can't believe that's the first photo taken of us "together". Yikes. I can't wait for him to see it when he gets home from his vacation. I wonder if he'll be mortified or think it's funny... 7 more sleeps til I see him again!


Hey Asshat, on a completely unrelated note, am I crazy (that's rhetorical) or is H commenting as both Michelle and GOD?

Random

Really, I have nothing to write about. I guess without Grey making me feel like utter crap, my life has become pale and uninteresting.

I was at a client meeting this morning and suffered an embarrassing incident. We had toured the facility for a couple of hours and were sitting in a boardroom tying up some loose ends when my stomach made the most atrocious, loudest, rudest growling noise I have ever heard. It sorta sounded like this:

"Raaaaaaoooooowwrrrrrbraaaaaaapwaaaaaaaaaaaaaableoouuuuuuuuuuubledawbleargh!"

Seriously. There was no hiding it.

Fortunately I can laugh at myself and informed everyone that breakfast had been early that morning. All six men sitting around the conference table burst out laughing. At least they'll remember me as the hungry girl with a giant hippo tummy monster. Sheesh.

Then some crappy but trivial stuff happened when I went to get lunch at Timmy Ho's.

Then I came home cranky and irritable from lack of sleep. So, to self medicate, I wrote a page to C le V, ate three teaspoonfuls of Nutella and watched three episodes of Numb3rs.

Because I am a giant nerd.

Oh, also, I booked a train ticket to Montreal for the last weekend in Feb. Yay nookie! :)

Cupid Shuffle

Happy Schmalentine's Day everyone.

This is from me to all of you... enjoy! (Turn on your sound too)
http://www.care2.com/send/card/6336

Ouch

I had the most wicked nightmares and woke up screaming "no" repeatedly. Now my stomach hurts and I went from hot flashes to freezing cold. It's not all bad as I would have slept in otherwise. I forgot I changed my alarm to 8 am yesterday. What I want most is to go lie on the couch and forget the nightmares. But I have to leave for a client's in 45 minutes so I'm getting in the shower. Hopefully the water is nice and hot this morning.

I'm glad we're going out tonight. I may need a nap though.

Out on a limb... or am I?

I think I mentioned I have been writing to C le V every day since he left last weekend. Tomorrow morning will be day 7. I'm thinking it might be time to put this letter in the mail. But I'm not sure if I should. I have written honestly, and thoughtfully, but I have put myself out there a little bit. Even the act of having written to him every day seems maybe a little bit... stalkerish? I don't know. Is it romantic or is it just lame? I think he will appreciate it but I honestly don't know. I don't know him well enough to gauge whether he will be overwhelmed or ecstatic. He has said before that he enjoys our emails. That he missed our daily correspondence when I was traveling. And I miss it now that he's traveling. I would like to believe I would be happy to receive such a letter from him. But should I send it?

On the one hand, I have little to lose. Just some pride and dignity should this not work out and he publishes them on the internet to general scorn and mockery. But I don't think I have revealed anything truly intimate. Just some feelings for him. Mostly mundane stuff though.

On the other hand, what is there to gain? Maybe by putting myself out on that limb, I run the risk of falling. And who knows what lies below? A snake pit? A black lagoon? A house on fire? Or maybe it will be good things, like lambs and baby pink elephants and puppies and marshmallows.

I will decide tomorrow. The envelope is addressed and stamped in case I feel brave and post it on the spur of the moment. More likely I will do the same thing I did with all of my letters and emails to Grey. They went to the graveyard of the written word: the recycling bin.

Unattractive

I got up late this morning and didn't write to C le V so I decided to write this evening. Initially after I arrived home, I was feeling really dizzy so I lay down on the couch and ended up passing out for a couple of hours. Whenever that happens to me, I wake up groggy and lethargic.

I learned something else about myself too. I had trouble writing to him. The stuff I was thinking about wasn't something I felt ready to share on paper. Because, frankly, it's a bit humiliating and I don't want him to see my insecurity. I read through the last 4 days and realized that I sounded happier in the mornings compared to the way that I sounded this evening. The thing is, I wasn't unhappy when I was writing to him this evening. But I couldn't get the words to flow. I stopped and started several times. I think I was just tired and worn out. And I think I'm like that most evenings which is why I blog in the evening. I need the outlet. And maybe part of the reason that I am feeling insecure about him is because he's not here to talk to me in the evenings and reassure me that everything is okay.

And that's the part that sucks. I shouldn't need that reassurance. I should be confident all the time, not some needy, whining, clingy woman who needs to be emotionally propped up all the time. But why do I get this way? Is it because I'm tired? Or is there some weird psychological effect the darkness has on me? Do I get this way on long, sunny, summer evenings too? It was raining and foggy all day today and that made me happy (yes, I'm weird, I realize that).

Maybe the reason I'm still single at such an advanced age is because I'm cranky in the evening hours when I'm supposed to be relaxed and sociable. I feel as though I'm cranky all the time. I know I'm not a morning person. But now I'm not a night person anymore either. I feel like I suck all the time. Do I deserve to be alone because I'm not warm and comforting and peppy and shiny enough?

I said I wasn't unhappy before but I definitely am now. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.

Headache part duh

I spent a solid 12 hours working on my thesis data today. I took a quick break to have lunch with a friend I haven't seen since October but it was otherwise all work all day. I really hope I made a dent in in because I'm starting to hate Excel. Did you know that you can reset your menus if you lose a button somehow? I learned that today. I also learned that, if you drag and drop the Goal Seek... button, it disappears and there's no way to find it again. Momentary panic.

I didn't finish everything that my supervisor asked me to do, mostly because stats software is crap. Can somebody do a 1-way ANOVA analysis for me please? My head is pounding.

I'm struggling a bit with withdrawal from C le V's daily, witty email. I miss him a lot. He was on facebook this evening and I think that actually made it worse. He's only been gone 4 days and I'm already starting to second guess myself. That maybe he isn't as invested as I am. Maybe he's playing games. Maybe he'll come back and decide he doesn't want this anymore. I was staring out the window a few minutes ago reminding myself that I'll be alone forever and it'll be worse when I'm 60 because Grey will be dead and there won't be any more cuddling.

I've been dreaming about him. In my dreams, he phones me and chats to me like nothing has happened. Like he didn't ask me to never speak to him again. Sometimes he gets mad that I took that seriously. Because he didn't mean it and I misinterpreted that statement the same way I misinterpret everything he says to me. But really, how many interpretations are there?

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the thought that he may never call me again. On Friday night, it crept up out of nowhere and I burst into tears. Fortunately I was alone on the couch and nobody knows. A secret shared between me and my oversized Christmas penguin. But mostly I'm relieved. Not now as I write this, but in the mornings when I wake up and in the evenings when I come home from work and all the times in between when I can focus on work or school. Relieved that I won't have to ride that rollercoaster anymore. I won't be his alleyoop yo-yo, his verbal punching bag, his cigarette-stained, nicotine-filled, slightly worn and charred around the edges stress spittoon.

But right now, at this very moment, I sit here in the dark and I wish that there was just one more tight spoon. One more gentle kiss with one hand on my neck and the fingers of his other hand entwined with mine. One more knowing look into the centre of my soul that makes me wonder if we have known each other for all eternity.

That's enough now.

Talking head.... ache

I have been on the phone for 4 hours. Yes. 4. Continuously. My head hurts. I have half a mind to go to bed right now but I might watch some tv first.

I also ate one third of a pizza lasagna. I hadn't even finished before I started to feel gross.

Aren't I supposed to be like a grown up or something? Think of all the thesising I could have done. Sigh.

Weekend recap

Two and a half years I've lived in this apartment. When I moved in, I didn't bother taking a bunch of crap down to my storage locker. I kept a microwave, bar fridge, two boxes of undergrad course notes and my rolling toolbox full of work equipment up in the apartment. I gave notice last weekend they're going to start showing the place. First appointment is at noon tomorrow. I've stashed all my valuables - not that many and not that valuable - and spent the entire day purging and cleaning and organizing. I broke my shredder. Well technically it's not broken. When I turn it on and feed a sheet of paper into it, the motor starts and revs like a souped up toy car. It's weird! I bought it at Costco so I'm hoping that I can take it back to get it fixed. My pile of bills and stuff to be shredded this time around is much smaller though. I still have a massive pile of laundry to put away but I'm sort of avoiding it. It's been there at least a week. I rummage around in the bottom of the basket every morning to find socks and underwear. My goal was to have it folded and put away before I go to bed but I might just cover it up and ignore it for another week.

The place actually looks pretty decent now and I realize that I have way too much space for little me. I'm hoping to downsize and save around $400 a month which will go towards gas and food once I start back at work full time. In a totally bonehead move, I dropped my credit card when I bought gas after the company event last night. I didn't even realize until the CIBC fraud people called me this evening. Somebody had been using it all day. When the guy called, I was like, "oh no, I haven't lost it, it's right here in my... no not in my purse it must be in my jacket... oh... crap!" He must have thought I was a retard. I'm not sure how I managed to drop it but it was cold and wet and I was all decked out in a sari and open toed shoes. My friend offered to pump gas for me but I declined. Duh.

Anyway, the event was fun. I wasn't going to blog about it because it sort of opens the door to figuring out where I work. But then I realized that only 4 people read this blog and I'm sure you guys don't care :) The theme was a masquerade ball and I scored a couple of really cool masks. Should I post a photo of me in a mask? It matched my sari and that was a big hit again this year. I was almost sparkly! When I was in India, I bought a lime green georgette silk sari. I can't wait to wear it next year. I ended up having a good time, probably because I didn't have any real expectations. Just dread. The real highlight for me (which is going to make me sound like a total brown noser) was when the company president remembered me three years after I left his home office in BC. It felt pretty good when he told me that I'm welcome back any time after I'm done school because they were very happy with me there.

Some other notables: a guy in my group said "hey I didn't recognize you because you look so good!" Apparently he has trouble understanding appropriate. It was also nice that I knew more people this year compared to the last two years. I felt more comfortable mingling after dinner which I didn't think I would do at all. I also introduced myself to a woman who is the wife of someone senior in another group. She was wearing a beautiful turquoise sari and I felt I had to talk to her. She said she was uncomfortable at first because she's white (does anyone care anymore?) but she looked absolutely fabulous. She's tall and slender and the fabric draped beautifully around her. She told me she had traveled in India last summer and was totally captivated by the colours and fabrics. Me too!

Okay, I should go to bed. I am writing a long letter to C le V and am attempting to write a page a day in the morning before I start my day. Maybe that's lame, and maybe I won't mail it. But it gives me a sense of focus and purpose when I wake up and I look forward to it as much as I have enjoyed getting email from him every day.

Yakkety yak, don't talk back?

I sent this email to A earlier in the day. She emailed me venting that her current romantic interest is a bit stoic and she worries he can't be there for her emotionally.

__________________________________________________________________________

Well, only you can decide what, or who, is best for you. You might have to accept though that you won't find a man while you're living in the UK who is able to be there emotionally for you. The Brits just aren't like that. I'm sure you've said the same of [her British aunt] right? (Insert [our mutual friend's] voice here telling you to move back). I'm not sure that North American men are that much better though.

I've thought for some time now that women have too high expectations of men. I really don't believe that it's possible for a man to be everything to a woman, especially the emotional support that we need daily. That's what girlfriends are for. I think that, once you accept that, it's much easier to give guys (not just boyfriends but all men friends in general) a break for not being able to articulate themselves about everything the way we do.

When I think about the one or two women I know who are truly happy in their relationships, I realize it's because they don't have unrealistic expectations of their husbands to be the sole person in their lives from whom they derive all levels of support - physical, emotional and spiritual. I always use Mrs Happy as a good example. She and Mr Happy hang out, they're friends, they're comfortable with each other and they don't fight. He cooks and cleans and does the dishes. He shovels snow and cleans the car and drives her around places. He's there for her when she has family responsibilities. He basically does just about anything she asks but is never a doormat. The one thing though that has always struck me about them is this: Mrs Happy doesn't sit around and chat to Mr Happy about everything the way she does with me and Baby. In fact, when we do that, Mr Happy usually leaves the room. Men aren't programmed evolutionarily for that type of interaction. I have stopped expecting it from just about all men.

There's a way to have a conversation with a guy friend about "chick" stuff that doesn't leave them feeling completely overwhelmed and I find those types of interactions satisfying in a different way. It's a way to "vent" about stuff without getting worked up or upset. It's not as cathartic as talking to girlfriends but it usually gives me a different - more realistic - perspective on the situation. I never get the same type of support from J or My Married Friend or any of my guy friends that I do from you or Baby or Mrs Happy . So why would I expect it from a boyfriend?

I can talk to C le V for an hour about random stuff and he does make me laugh but I'm not going to waste that hour talking about my feelings unless they pertain directly to the way he made me feel. I always call you or Baby if I need to talk about feelings crap before I talk to C le V. Maybe that means I have settled but I'm okay with that. I don't expect him to know how to make me feel better by saying the right thing at the right time. I'm starting to think that's an unreasonable expectation to have of any man. That's what my girlfriends are for.

I really think you should read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The first chapter alone is worth spending the half hour to understand how men's brains work (or don't, as the case may be!)

Anyway, I'm actually going back to bed. I've been up for an hour working but I'm freezing and still not feeling 100%. I'm going back to bed for a bit in the hope that I will be more productive mid morning.

Talk tomorrow?

Me

Silly

Can I take a moment here to write something sappy? After all that Grey crap, I feel I deserve at least one blog entry like this. In advance of aforementioned mopey blog entries.

Text messages between C le V and moi:

Moi: I wish you were just a little bit closer.
C le V: Takes two steps SW ... This better?

Sigh. Is he cute or am I just retarded?

Mucus monster

My sinuses (sinii?) are pounding so I am going to write quickly and then spend the rest of the evening horizontal on the couch.

I overmedicated myself (mmmm ibuprofen!) today because I had a superimportantclientmeeting this afternoon. It was well worth it because the meeting went well - nobody asked me any questions and I didn't hork green boogers over everyone - but now the meds (lotsa Advil Cold & Sinus and corticosteroid nasal spray) are definitely wearing off. My sinii are reminding me they're still alive and kicking my brains out with a vengeance.

It's weird. Usually when I get these sinus problems, the drugs dry up my phlegm no problem but this time it's been hanging out between my nose and my throat making it very difficult to speak, breathe or eat. Probably the same reason I haven't been sleeping. Ugh. My ears are plugged too.

It doesn't seem fair. I was sick when I was in India and I had tonsillitis for the entire month of August. How can I be sick again? Is it possible to have my sinii removed, do you think?

Ugh. Wait, I already said that. Okay, off to the couch. I think I had something else to say but it's gone in the snot-induced murkiness surrounding my brain.

What? - Epilogue

This morning, he emailed asking me to never speak to him again. I think I will take his advice. I'm taking a friend to the work party thing on Saturday night. At least I won't have to walk on eggshells and worry about being embarrassed. Hell, my coworkers can even assume I'm a lesbian for that matter. The way she looks. I'm taking my friend in the painted pink dress. It's been a while since I wrote about her but she came through for me before. When B dumped me before Cirque du Soleil. It was her first show and she loved it. She's a great date actually.

I just talked to C le V. Whenever I talk to him, I wonder where the hour went. It just disappears some times. I'm in danger of really getting attached to this guy. He is so sweet and thoughtful and funny. I wish he was here. I'm going to miss him a lot when he goes on vacation in February. Expect to read a lot of mopey lonely blog entries.

Anyway, I have to go to bed before the Neo Citran induced coma takes me down. I had a really great day today. Two highlights: I was asked to manage a big project at work and it will take me to the client's office four to five days a week. That changes my moving plans but I'm thrilled to have the opportunity. Big meeting on Wednesday so hopefully I don't have a raging fever.

Also, I texted my favourite dj on Flow 93.5 this evening on the drive home from work. "Who's my daddy? Scratch is my daddy!" and they aired it! I even got a text back from DVo Brown: "hilarious!". Totally made my day complete.

What? - Grand Finale

(Disclaimer: NSFW along with most things on this blog!)

I'm very close. Very close. Teetering on the edge even. I have resolved to be honest on my blog because I am too ashamed of him and of myself to be honest with my girlfriends. And I don't often feel that way.

On Saturday night, I had bubble tea with the girls and their husbands. Usually when I go for bubble tea I order a large and then say "ugh, too many bubbles! Why do I always do this to myself? Moan." But this weekend, I ordered a small. It took a supreme effort of self-discipline but I did it and didn't regret the small at all. Yay me. I think I might be learning something. Slowly.

Today, I spent the day with Grey. We didn't talk. We didn't really do much. We went for dim sum and I got upset because, when I complained about working from home on weekends, he said I only work one day a week in a voice full of contempt, scorn and disdain. I got angry. I actually got teary eyed when we were waiting for our table and had to escape to the ladies room for a minute. I spoke up enough that he finally claimed to see the error of his ways and apologized. Then, of course, we didn't talk at dim sum. We waited almost an hour to get my car washed and, instead of trying to talk to me then, he kept trying to shove his hand up my skirt. Repeatedly. He even unzipped his pants and pulled out his penis at one point. Yeah, that's right. I almost kicked him out of the car.

Then we went to the drugstore to get him something to help him sleep. By the time we were at his place, his buddy had phoned and was right behind us. The three of us ended up sitting on the couch watching the Superbowl and eating pizza. Grey trash talked me a lot tonight. Some of it was truly appalling. Maybe it was just part of guy's Superbowl night but I have trouble believing that his buddy would say the same stuff to the girl he is currently seeing. We all laughed it off as part of the macho funny guy act but I am hurt and unimpressed. I sent Grey an email when I got home because I was too embarrassed/scared/awkward/worried about making his friend feel awkward to say something at the time. And I knew that if I didn't send him an email tonight, it would go into the vault of things he wouldn't remember but I can't let go.

Re AshleyMadison.com: Grey was saying he should go on that site but he's not married. I told him that if he was going to sign up for a website that facilitates affairs, he might as well lie about being in a relationship. I mean, that's hardly a stretch, right? He said, "yeah good point. I should say my girlfriend is a tall, hot, 5'10" blonde..." Suffice it to say I am none of those things. I looked askance at him and he said that his brain is often way behind his mouth and some of the stuff that comes out makes no sense. Oh, it makes plenty of sense.

His buddy was considering spending $500 on a winter coat for the new girlfriend: Grey said that he would never spend that much on me. His buddy just shook his head. I said "yeah, but we're not dating".

He also said the following two things. I think the context is irrelevant:

1. I won't fuck you hard if you don't finish your dinner.
2. I should bitchslap you with my cock.

My response to the first was to push away my dinner plate. My response to the second was "you could try but it won't reach". I couldn't believe he said that to me. In front of his buddy.

Eventually his buddy left. I thought we would talk. Stupid me. He just wanted to have sex.

When I left, he hugged me and asked if we could do it again some time after he got a good night's sleep. I said "whatever, I won't wait forever". But actually, I think I might be done with him. I think that it has finally started to sink in that I'm better off without him. I can be remarkably intelligent about everything else in my life. In fact, in general I pride myself on my rapid brain speed. But this... why has this taken so long? Did I require some sort of external boost to my self-esteem to figure this out?

I couldn't wait to get home to talk to C le V tonight. He could tell something was off but I told him that I didn't want to talk about it because it was unimportant, irrelevant and would be bad karma for us. It would be so great if we somehow end up together. I miss him. I hope that I'm good enough for him.