Icy puppy walk

I have nothing to write tonight but I'm forcing myself to put some words down here. I don't know why. I'm puppy sitting starting Friday for 10 days. He is the cutest, bounciest, little Wheaton terrier named Charlie. Mr and Mrs Charlie are going to Europe for a few days. Mrs Charlie is almost 4 months pregnant and this is going to be their last trip before the baby comes. This is the couple that hiked Kilimanjaro for their honeymoon!

Tonight I went over there for dinner and to make sure I could get online on their wireless and to iron out the final details. We went for a long walk. Well, it wasn't that long but it felt long because it is so cold out there right now and I didn't have my gloves with me. It's -20 right now with the windchill.

We ended up at Trinity Bellwoods park which was like a giant skating rink. It was a bit treacherous and I was more worried about Mrs Charlie falling. She's almost 4 months pregnant. I'm not sure why Mr Charlie dragged us to the park but I did have a good time. Charlie is so adorable and his little antics almost caused me to wipe out a couple of times but it's hard to get mad at him with his cute little bearded face. He likes to hold the leash in his mouth and he loves to root around in the snow banks. I guess that's just genetic terrier behaviour.

I'm still a bit nervous disciplining him but I think that's more because I'm worried about what Mr Charlie thinks of me. I hope I'll be more comfortable by the end of the weekend. I'm pretty excited about having a puppy for 10 days. It will be a long time before I can get a dog. And it may not be something I can even handle as a single person. So this will give me a better idea. I might even be exhausted after the end of it. X told me that I would be sad to leave Charlie at the end of 10 days but it might also get the puppy longing out of my system.

One last time

I spent last night with Grey. And I'm happy right now. We had a nice evening. Ordered Thai. Watched a movie. Good Luck Chuck probably wasn't the wisest choice but we enjoyed it. Fooled around a bit. Which was fantastic. And he was asleep by 9.30. This morning he was up early and made us breakfast. He wasn't mean or nasty or judgmental. In fact, he was sweet and affectionate. I was cuddled and spooned and kissed. It felt really nice.

I'm glad that I agreed to see him. And I'm surprised that we had a good time. I don't expect anything further from him. Not an email or a phone call. And I'm okay with that. Maybe that should make me feel sad, or bad about myself. But I'm choosing to be happy that we enjoyed each other's company, ate, laughed, and had some pretty good sex. I still miss him but it's not worse than it was before Friday night. Most of all, I'm happy that I didn't end up feeling horrible about my decision afterwards. It could so easily have gone that way but it didn't and that makes me happy.

Funny Valentine

I decided to keep the card. I sent Grey a Valentine's email instead. I thought it was pretty funny. And then I got a "thanks for thinking of me but I'm going to the game tonight" email in response. I wasn't expecting anything from him. I should have expected less. I didn't think I would end up feeling quite so unspecial.

Fortunately, my sanity and self-esteem were preserved for the most part by spending the evening with good friends and baby. Shortly after I got home, Grey sent me an email. "Are you still up!" The incorrect use of the exclamation mark bothered me only slightly. It was followed closely by a Valentine's Day booty call which I politely declined on account of having to work tomorrow. How charming. I'm not sure what to do next though as I did say he should try booty calling tomorrow night. Overall, I was feeling pretty good about myself. Strong for not caving in to him even though I want to see him so much.

Then, someone in the blogosphere made me laugh. Let's call him Asshat, because that's what he calls himself. I discovered a new blog recently. soveryalone.com. Asshat leaves comments that make me laugh. He's unlikely to be that funny in reality but I could care less because I'm not what I appear to be either. But he did make me laugh again today. He quoted me My Funny Valentine. I'm still smiling so I'm choosing to take that smile to sleep tonight. Hopefully it will fight off the tears for one night.

Now what?

I talked briefly with my thesis supervisor today about the data I sent him last week. He finally came around and decided that it "wasn't very promising". I have thought this since I started trying to refine this method since the fall. Six months wasted. Great. Now I have to start over. Well, not from scratch. The experimental set up is still the same but the analytical method is the problem.

Now that I'm starting something new, I'm interested again. It's like a puzzle. I am so much better at starting something than following through and closing the deal. I guess I have a short attention span. So, even though I might fall asleep right now, I'm going to keep working. My head hurts and my shoulder is wrapped so tight I could bounce a loonie off it but I'm going to keep working. In fact, I probably could have gone to sleep early tonight. But, of course, when I want to stay up, I'm tired.

What's really missing

My facebook horoscope for today says "Is it love or lust? You say you can't live without someone, but is it their heart or something else you want?"

Every couple of days, I remember or realize something about Grey that pisses me off. This evening I was hanging my yoga pants to dry when I realized that I don't want to end up like him. I still think I'm in love with him because I would go back to him in a heart beat. But he's miserable and angry so much of the time that I'm not sure he finds joy in life. And I don't want to lose what little I have learned in the last 3 years. I mean, I was happy with him but perhaps it wasn't sustainable. I miss him a lot but I realize that I need to try and be objective about what it is that I really miss about our time together.

Sure I miss his cooking and his cuddles and his fabulous apartment and his illicit substances. I even miss the sex a little bit - once a month when my hormones are out of control. But realistically, I have a great apartment and I can't afford illicit substances. I really should learn to cook and the reason I don't is because of deep-seated, unresolved issues surrounding food and nourishment and self-love (or lack thereof). His cooking was convenient but rarely healthy and not always even tasty. I need to learn to do better on my own. When I'm done school, I'll look into basic cooking classes as well as photography and bartending and belly dancing.

So I'm just left with cuddles. How much do I really need physical contact with a human being? Sure, it's nice to be spooned when I'm falling asleep. And spooning with Grey was nice because he rarely snored. The deadbeat former drug dealer of Summer 2006 didn't snore either so it's not completely unrealistic to think I might meet someone who also has everything I'm looking for. Or maybe I should just get a large dog.

Orange corsage

Our company Christmas party was this evening. We have our Christmas party after Christmas for several reasons. December is really busy. It gives everyone something to look forward to after New Years. It's significantly cheaper in January/February.

Last year, I went stag. It wasn't awful but only because I got to sit with people I don't work with and swing dance with a fairly good looking single guy who also happens to be a great dancer. I think we went on a date after that but it didn't take and now he's dating the person who sits in the cube next to me. So while I didn't have a bad time, I wasn't looking forward to sitting through back-to-back slow songs again this year. I asked Grey to be my date but he's in Ottawa for his friend's wedding this weekend. Then I asked Big-Mac but he said he would be in LA this weekend. It turns out he wasn't (according to his fb status) so I'm not sure if he got home early or just lied. I don't much care actually, although I do think a bit less of him right now.

Anyway, I mentioned my datelessness to a coworker in a different group. I was actually going to bail altogether but she convinced me to come and sit at their table because one of her coworkers was also stag. She failed to mention that he was about 11 years younger than me! Anyway, I wasn't thinking too much of this. I was really just thinking that we were each going to be the other's empty seat filler. But, sweet child that he is, showed up with an orange corsage. It was a mostly a joke but I could tell he was more than a little embarrassed by the way he sort of threw it at me without looking at me. I didn't wear it but I did thank him for it at the end of the night. And I gave him my drink tickets. He really was very sweet. He tried hard to make conversation with me. And he asked me if I wanted anything from the bar. Hugged me goodbye when I left. While it was nice not to have an empty seat next to me, I wish she hadn't put us in such an exquisitely inappropriate situation. I think I handled it okay. I hope I handled it okay! I was very clear to his boss that we were only together for the purposes of maintaining even numbers at the table this evening. I bolted at the first slow song and was home by 11 pm.

Overall, the evening wasn't as stressful as I had anticipated and I did enjoy myself but I can't say that I'm looking forward to next year. With any luck, I'll be in Australia this time next year and 2010 is too far away to plan for realistically.

Just say no

I bought Grey a Valentine's card today. On the front, it says "Valentine's Day" and there's a cutout window to the inside of the card. Inside, there's a button. On the button, there's a heart with a line through it (like the No Smoking symbol) and the inside of the card says "Just Say No".

I'm not 100% sure that I'll give it to him yet. I bought the card with the intention of giving it to him but I like it enough to keep it for myself. The button specifically.

The friend that introduced us invited me out to drinks with some of her other coworkers this Friday. I'd like to go but I'm not sure if I'm up for it right now. On the one hand, I will likely meet some interesting people. On the other hand, it's snowy and cold out there and I hate arriving alone. Plus, what if Grey somehow ends up there? I'm not sure I would be able to handle that. I guess I should ask myself why I think it's a good idea to send him a Valentine then.

[1.05 AM, February 10, 2008]
Update: He wasn't there. It wasn't a large group. And we ended up at a difficult location. The place where Grey and I "got back together" after the other woman hiatus and right after I broke up with B. The night before I wrote this blog entry. I couldn't help missing him most of the time. Remembering the things that happened the last time I was there. Remembering how happy I felt after that night. I feel stupid. He probably doesn't even think about me anymore. Meanwhile I'm exhausted all the time with missing him. How do I break out of this cycle? Some people might say "find someone new" but I don't want anyone else. I want Grey.

Mental

In my head, I still have conversations with him. I wonder if I can finish my degree in this state of mind. I need to be happy and feel loved to be productive. I'm depressed. I can't sleep at night and I can't get out of bed in the morning. I'm exhausted during the day. I don't want to eat. I don't know how to take care of myself. I'm not happy. I seek mental distraction everywhere except work. Because I can't focus on the work. The voices in my head are loudest when I'm inside my head. I use TV to drown them out. Or social events. I want to be finished soon so that I have money leftover to go traveling and buy my own place. But I have no desire to actually finish. To do good work and create a worthwhile product. I just want to be with him. I wonder if he still thinks of me sometimes.

Saturday night

I have nothing to write about right now but it has been a while so I will continue in this vein of blogorrhea. I just ate some smoked salmon (leftover from tea with the ladies this afternoon) and drank a glass of lactose-free chocolate milk. Then I belched louder than I have in a very long time.

I spent this evening at home because I woke up angry this morning. I was frustrated with myself for taking on too many unnecessary and thankless responsibilities and felt like I needed some time to myself. I had intended to come home and sit on the couch and watch TV. Instead, I tidied up the apartment, did laundry, sorted bills, shredded old receipts, updated my car service history and wrote a corresponding fb note. While I was sorting through the crap, I found a slip with Grey's AMEX card number and expiry date. I was tempted to sign him up for some porn sites or randomly order things from Amazon to be shipped to his house but that would be stupid and petty. Instead I'll just fantasize about doing that from the school library and picture his imaginary reactions.

This morning, I cried in the shower. When I got out of the shower, I thought about some things while I was getting ready. I had one of those moments of clarity in which my perspective shifted slightly and realized something I should have figured out weeks ago. He can't say no to people because he doesn't like to be the bad guy. He needs to be liked and he wants to be needed. That is why he wouldn't end things with me. That is the reason he made me do it. The reason he pushed so hard with "I'm not in love with you" and "I can't bring you soup". Instead of stepping up and communicating as an adult. Which I would have appreciated more than his bullshit. It's also the reason he still wants to be friendly, if not actual friends. I was unhappy when I ended it because I wasn't ready to end it. I realized that he forced me to be the responsible one and that was upsetting because I blamed myself for being the first to walk away.

That has always been my issue. Walking away when things get rough. But I also know now that all the other men before Grey were not right for me and my walking away was not a bad decision in any of those circumstances. It was always the right decision at the time and my instincts were telling me what I needed to do to protect myself. So... maybe walking away is not my issue! Yes, I have trouble letting people in but maybe that's okay. Because people are disappointing. But maybe that's not the same as bailing on relationships. Maybe I can forgive myself now for all those other times. And therefore, by extension, I can feel less unhappy about being the one to end things with Grey.

Having said all that, I still miss him a lot. I feel like I will never be 100% happy.

I guess I did have something to write about after all.