Guy code

Tonight he said he missed me and would call me but no phone call. We all know that's the dating kiss of death. Guy speak for: hey you're hot and all but not great enough for me to stick around and deal with your personality.

Sigh.

I want to cut the guy some slack because of the kid and all but, at the same time, I don't want to be naive about him just because he has extra responsibilities. He knew that he needed to call me tonight if he wanted to make plans for the weekend. So no plans involving boys this weekend.

What is wrong with me? Am I that awful?

Cooling off

He's doing it too. The same thing they always do. Sigh. Not even a divorced goofball with a kid is attracted to me long enough to find out what I'm really like.

Big kids

Tonight was better. He met me after yoga (I went to yoga, not him) for sushi at Crispy Roll on Queen Street. I set him straight about screwing with me at work. Ooh, that came out wrong. I made it known that I don't want him joking around about us dating at the office. Even if he thinks nobody else can hear. I have enough trouble getting people to take me seriously without office gossip. I think he understands that he cannot screw this up because I won't take it lightly if he ruins my professional relationships with other people on the project. He's a big goofy kid but I think it might be good for me to be less anal-retentive uptight control freak bitch all the time. He was saying how he is the responsible parent and that actually makes me feel better. Somehow.

After dinner we went back to his place to make oatmeal fudge bars. The guy does not have mixing bowls or wine glasses but he has grown up cereal bowls. His mother made him get them. I don't have grown up bowls or dishes or glasses or cups. My dishes are Corelle from Smeller's (I think that's KMart for you Americans), cups are a mish mash of gifts over the years and, instead of glasses, I have those crazy multi-coloured IKEA cups. I guess he's not the only big kid.

Anyway, while the oatmeal fudge bars were cooling, we lay on the couch and talked about stuff. It was nice. And comforting. I am starting to understand him and I think he is sincere in his overwhelmingness. I will just have to be careful for the both of us and make sure we don't rush into anything crazy.

Programmed to be single

There's something wrong with me. I think I have been single for so long that I have forgotten how to be not alone. Also, I think I have been through so many crap relationships that I have no idea how to be happy when I have found one that is more than halfway decent.

This guy is a good guy. He's not classy or well-dressed or super successful or even terribly good looking. But he is good to me. He genuinely cares (I think) and I do believe that he wants to make me happy. And, for the most part, I am happy when I'm with him. He can be a bit awkward sometimes. Goofy when he should be serious. Scattered and distracted instead of attentive. He talks about moving in together and rings and marriage and it's waaay too early. He has even referred to me as his girlfriend in a joking way to salespeople which is so totally unnecessary. And he's a bit aggressive with the physical contact. That sounds much worse than it actually is. He just has a tendency to always want to be touching me or kissing me or ripping my clothes off. Which is tolerable in private but I'm a total prude out in public. Anyway, I have digressed far beyond my original point. So far, these are the greatest of his sins. Perhaps I should have listed the things I like about him. He completes my unspoken thoughts. He makes me laugh. He hugs when I need it but don't know how to ask. He tells me that he likes me. That I'm beautiful and blah blah. Often. I should be happy.

But, when he's not around and I have missed his phone calls and I'm tired, I start to feel like I don't want this anymore. I start feeling unhappy and dissatisfied and imagine all the different ways I could bolt. If this situation was of the usual dating variety, I would just not call or make contact for a while until the feeling passed. But I have to see him at work tomorrow morning. So now I'm thinking of ways to avoid him. Places to avoid include the water fountain and the coffee room and the printer room. Not taking lunch or running errands to get away. Coming in late and/or leaving early.

God, what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just be content?

Thesis? What thesis?!

And there go another two hours...

Crap. I really need to write my introduction. Crap crap crap. All I can think about is our mega date on Saturday. I requested that we go to Casa Loma but he's doing all the planning. I'm super excited. Not even because of where he might be taking me but I really do just want to hang out with him and talk to him and see him. I actually missed him today. Argh.

Oh yeah, there's yet another red flag. We were on the topic of red flags and he decided he should put this one on the table. I didn't ask if there were more. His son is special needs. Perhaps somewhat surprisingly, that doesn't bother me at all. I'm more concerned about what happens if we don't like each other.

Settling in

I could talk to this guy for hours. I asked him today if he wasn't scared to get married again. Only because he said the "m" word about a million bajillion times. He told me about his ex-wife and we also talked about dating with kids. He doesn't play games (I hope!) and he's forthright and sincere. Yeah, he's a little intense but that will inevitably wear off. And I'm okay with the substance underneath the goofy, cheeseball, smitten puppy dog eyes. I hope we're left with a solid friendship at the very least at the end of this honeymoon period.

I yam tired so I'm going to bed.

Oh yeah, I also got a kickass haircut. It's so freakin' awesome! I LOVE it and I look hot and cute and sexy and age-appropriate. Iz perfect :)

Mrs Chuck Bartowski

Yay!!!!! I get to keep my husband!!! :D

As so often happens, Fish inspired this post. And GH got it going with his announcement that I get to be Mrs Chuck Bartowski for another season.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAYAY!!!!


Reasons to date a divorced guy with kid:

1. No big fat stupid wedding
2. No wedding at all...?
3. No pressure to create progeny
4. No labour or delivery (hopefully)
5. No (or little) responsibility for misbehaving children (not that I have met his)
6. Birth control baby, birth control!
7. Grown up conversations
8. Good listening skills
9. A sense of priorities
10. No games

Fireworks

You know what is great? Fireworks. At the end of a long weekend. On the beach. With someone to keep you warm.

Something else that is great? A guy who tries to impress family and friends.

He's still making me laugh. And he doesn't even seem to be trying. It's comfortable. When was the last time I felt comfortable? Grey, probably. But that was fleeting. I think I walked on eggshells around him.

He said something interesting this evening. Not Grey. The new guy. He said he didn't want to hear about past relationships, how I felt about other guys, sexploits etc because it would just piss him off. So I told him to pretend I was one of those guys who's all talk but 90% of the stuff they brag about is total crap. He laughed.

So far, so good.

No Right Answers

I spent all day yesterday being exhausted and stressed. Then I spent all day being stressed. Then he called and now I feel better. We talked for an hour and he seemed honest and sincere and I was reassured by the fact that he didn't pretend to have all the answers. I don't know what will happen but I'm prepared to wait and see. Maybe it will be nothing. Maybe it will be something. Maybe it will be in between.

We might go for a walk tomorrow night when he gets back into town.

I went over to X's parents house for dinner tonight. Whenever someone asks me what my favourite food is, I think "X's mom's cooking". I used to tell people that when we were together but now it would just sound silly. But that woman has magic fingers. Everything she makes tastes yummy and I can't seem to reproduce it. I'm probably lacking TLC. Anyway, we had roast beef and popovers. Do you know what a popover is? Yummy, eggy, goodness which just happens to be hell to my digestive system. Whatever. I ate two. TWO! It was totally worth it.

What have I done?

There's a guy at work. Oh it hurts and shames me to write this. I swore up and down to myself after the last disastrous work-related shenanigans that I would not involve myself with someone I met through work. But this guy. Augh. He completes my unspoken thoughts. He smiles a lot. He's funny and sweet and kind of a goofball. I genuinely like him as a person and there are few people (men, especially) that I meet through work that I can say that about. Anyway, one thing led to another last night and he told me that he likes me. That he's liked me since he started working with me. We don't work at the same company but we work on the same project. It's a large, long-term project. We work together on a limited basis. I'm moving to a different floor soon so it might not be too awkward. Augh.

So, in addition to the complication of work, he has a son. His son is older than 5 but not an adolescent. I don't know what the custody arrangement is but they obviously spend a lot of time together. I do know that the divorce was finalized yesterday. Did you know that you could get an EDivorce?

We were up very late talking... and also "talking". We fell asleep on his couch to the sound of a thunderstorm at sunrise. It was comfortable and comforting. Meanwhile, I am worried about work next week. I'm sure people will notice. They always do. Plus, this guy can't possibly be ready for a relationship but I don't want anything in between. Augh. Why? Where is 516 when I need to be rescued from myself?

Convince me

These shoes are crying out for me to take them home. Should I spend $100 on them? I have $80 in cash from last night's focus group burning a hole in my pocket. Convince me please that I won't think about them for the rest of my life.

Giving up

I have officially given up. I didn't do laundry, take out the garbage, buy groceries or do an iota of work this weekend. I don't want to go to work tomorrow and I hate everything. I just want to lie on the couch for the rest of my life and watch tv. It doesn't even have to be good tv. Bad tv is okay. I spent most of the day actually watching snow. I'm not getting very good reception on my rabbit ears these days. It might be the April showers.

It might also be time to look for a new job. In the meantime, I really need to work on my thesis so I can accept a new job. I hate everything. Most of all myself. Somebody shoot me.

Being a girl

GH suggested I turn these two lists into a blog entry so here it is. There was some sort of context related to my mother slamming my choice of wedding attire vs. the outfits I wore to my ex-boyfriend's ordination and reception today. (Please no wisecracks about my ex becoming a priest! We dated 14 years ago so it's ancient history).

The reason I prefer to wear a sari over a dress:

1. No hair removal (waxing, shaving, other godawful crap like that)
2. No pantyhose or thongs (ick). I accidentally bought a Lululemon thong this week and it was $14. $14!!! For butt floss!!! Augh.
3. No control top underwear or Spanx to suck and tuck in the jelly rolls. Control top is heinous.
4. I can eat as much as I want and just hike it up a bit when it starts to get tight ;)
5. I have a lot of saris and very few occasions to wear them.
6. I have like maybe 4 dresses. I never wear them. I don't feel comfortable in them. I don't know why.
7. They're much prettier than dresses.
8. I'm non-traditional in just about all respects so it's fun to dress traditionally when I'm around people who know my personality.
9. You can get away with fancier jewelry.
10. Nobody notices hair or make up or manicures or pedicures. So overall less work.

Now, the things that are bad about saris:

1. I don't *really* know how to put them on so they have a tendency to fall off when I dress myself.
2. It's nearly impossible (for me) to drive when wearing one
3. I can't walk as fast as I normally walk
4. Going to the bathroom is a giant pain in the ass (for me)
5. It's hard to dance
6. There's a lot of fabric (~30 yards) so it can get hot under there!

So today I went to church in the morning and then to the reception in the evening. For some reason, I thought it would be smart to shave my legs and wear a skirt. In the thunderstorms and hail. My toes were numb after standing in church for 2 hours. It was a full Catholic mass and then some. Augh.

This evening, I wore a black dress. I had to wear a thong. Friggin' hell those things are uncomfortable! I should have worn flats but I wore heels. Thankfully, Baby and Robert dragged me out but we couldn't get into The Courthouse so I was home and in my pjs before midnight. I'm going to bed right now.

The nice guy blow-off

I realized I had to run some errands on Thursday (drug store, drop off paperwork, eat lunch) so I went out and bought shoes.




I'm glad I did because the rest of my day was kinda crappy. 516 is definitely not interested so I deleted his number and all of his text messages.

This morning wasn't much improved either. Yesterday I sent my mother an email telling her that my supervisors had set a defense date and asking her to help me plan vacation for August. Her response? That the gorgeous green georgette silk sari I picked out myself and wore to the wedding wasn't formal enough. My mother is a bitch. I hate her again. I haven't felt this way in several years but forget about family vacation. I'm not even going to my graduation. If she decides to go, she can pick up my degree for me. I wrote her a long and hateful flamer but didn't send it. I'll probably just ignore her for a while and tell A's mother how I'm feeling. She's pretty much guaranteed to tell my mother.

Also, I think I'm starting to get sick. A lot of people at the wedding were sick so I figured it was only 3 to 5 days before I started to feel it. It's either NYC withdrawal or H1N1.

I'm so miserable. I think the only remedy is pizza and the couch.

Defense

My supervisors set a defense date for me today. They want a first draft of my manuscript by the end of May and are planning for me to defend on July 23. I'm going to be very, very busy. I'm so anxious that I'm too paralyzed to do anything right now. I'm tempted to go to the mall and work off my anxiety with my credit card. MFV told me to go buy a pair of "thesis" shoes. They'll make me feel better. I would marry that guy if I could. But going to the mall would be an unproductive waste of time so I'm going to shop for shoes online instead. What I really need is breakfast.

I heart NYC

I really do. I only met one person who doesn't love NYC. That person is the mother of a friend I grew up with. They're close, close family friends. She (the mom) has retired to a sleepy village in India and complained about the noise and traffic and traffic in New York. The groom's mother told her that nobody in India can complain about the noise and traffic in NYC. She makes a good point. NYC is a lot like India and a lot like Hong Kong. It's loud, it's fast, it's noisy and it's smelly.

It's friggin' fabulous. It felt like I had finally come home. I would live there in a heartbeat. Not forever. But for a couple of years. Anyone wanna come with?