Sleepless

I slept all day today. Could not drag myself out of bed in the morning. Was almost late for yoga but miraculously showered and ate breakfast and picked up my yoga mat from the lab and still arrived a bit early. Then I came home and did nothing. Was reading on the couch after lunch and basically passed out. Didn't wake up til 6 pm when I realized I didn't know if my passport was valid. Leapt up, heart pounding to check. Only after making sure it was valid, realized that I don't need a passport to go to Windsor, Ontario. God, I'm stupid.

I wanted to do some real work today and didn't. Instead I watched several hours of recorded TV. Friends re-runs, 2.5 Men re-runs. Little Mosque on the Prairie and Sofie. The Daily Show for the whole week. I'm sure tomorrow will be very painful. Not least because I plan to be at work by 10 am and it's after 2 am now. I am starting to wonder if it's worth fighting sleep during the day. Perhaps I should just sleep when my body tells me to and suffer through the rest. I still think something is wrong but I can't figure it out. Maybe that makes me stupid. Perhaps I should start keeping a sleep journal.

Reasons not to have sex with Grey

I am slowly crafting a Valentine to Grey. I will not call him or email him until I send the card. And probably not after that either, especially if he doesn't respond. Not that I expect a response. I just feel an overwhelming need to tell him that I'm in love with him.

I also feel the need to make a list of reasons not to have sex with him.

Other than the obvious reasons...
1. I can no longer expect him to be monogamous.
2. It will probably be painful for me.
3. If it sucks, I will end up feeling like shit.
4. If it's great, I will probably still end up feeling like shit. It will just take longer.
5. I will set myself back and it will be worse than the first time around. And the second.
6. I will feel obligated to leave afterwards. When what I really want is to wake up with him, have him cook breakfast, then smoke a j and watch a movie on his couch.
7. I don't think it's a "one last time" thing for me. But it might be for him. And that would break my heart all over again.
8. The rules are that I have to pretend not to want it, right?
9. I don't want to lose him forever. And it's easier to be friends without the sex, right?
10. If I cave in and agree to this, I will have to drive over there, get a visitor's parking pass, walk to the elevator and ride up 20 floors with him. In that time, I am likely to get nervous and behave neurotically, if I don't actually freak out completely and bolt.

Why do I still want to have sex with him?

One fish, two fish, pink fish, blue... Me

I originally wrote this for my old (not anonymous blog) on January 25, 2007 and thought it might be time to resurrect it.

For the last two weeks, I have done very little except catch up on someone else's life. She's like me but waaaay cooler. I'm all up to date now and ready to share this list I somehow ended up creating. At first, I thought "wow, we're a lot similar" but then I realised that we're both just girls that like pink, like every other girl out there. But here's the list anyway. If nothing else, it will motivate you to find out more about her.

Bizarre similarities between Fish and myself:
"A social creature who values her alone time -- alone and lonely, rarely being the same thing."
Not so good with scary movies
Diet Coke and nightmares
Former bicycle (un)friendship with J (X, for me)
Age (too tired to do math after pirates class)
Beingwrongaphobia
"Funny is the thinking girls aphrodisiac"
Little Mermaid syndrome
Subway face (or "Don't mess with the Toronto girl" face)
Not good with money woes (good with money, yes)
Dislikes being yelled at (although am a good yeller myself)
Believes in God and karma and yoga
Closet organized by colour
Lists organized by priority and by cost
Grammar
The feeling of music
Clear band aids and stable weather forecasts
Solar powered


Other not-so-bizarre but still surprisingly numerous similarities
A little bit crazy
Bad decision after bad decision
Heavy duty security measures
Fairy tale endings: "what the fuck"
Works too hard to fill the void
Eats too much to fill the void
Shops too much to fill the void
Cat-like snoozes... snooze... snooze... snooze
Shoes (especially boots)
Wax
Relationship with extra poundage
Baking
Cooking for one
Nyquil hallucinations
Skin crawling off body
Jeopardy know-it-all-ness
An Inconvenient Truth
Pink
Sweet Valley Twins and Nancy Drew
Sheets
Mmmm Luke
"nothing sexier than know-how"
Cold feet
Kettles and tea
Keeps all the love letters

Some extremely noteworthy differences
Rain (but that's just me)
Plants
Hair (it's going away soon!)
Thongs (sorry guys)
Rose (call it blush, it's still gross)
Baths (because I don't have a bicycle to fix my shower head)

Now go read her blog
http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/

Did okay on a couple of tests...

You never can tell when it's going to be a good day. Last night I cried for an hour when I went to bed. So I got up again and had a pretty intense MSN conversation with a naive virgin friend (male, thirty-something) who was trying to convince me that positive thoughts will help me find love. Snort.

I slept for most of today and then I finally worked up the nerve to see Juno alone. But then, just as I was leaving the house, I phoned Grey. Much to my surprise, he agreed to come. The movie was excellent and we had a good time. The conversation on the way home got a little out of hand but I declined to have sex with him. I feel a bit guilty although I know I made the right decision. I really do want to have sex with him but I know I would just hurt afterwards. And to be honest, I'm tired of crying. But I am having some crazy sexual dreams about him. Perhaps I came off as a bit of a tease? Anyway, I just sent an email apology. I fully expect he will ignore it. I plan to ignore him for 10 days and then ask him to the office shindig in February. If he can't go, I'll give up the tickets. They're free anyway.

I came home after the movie and watched Test the Nation. I did surprisingly well considering I spent most of this century hiding under a rock in Northern BC or hiding under journal articles in Toronto.

45/60 makes me a Worldwide Wonder, apparently.

My individual scores were:
Pop couture 5/6
Earth and Beyond 3/6
Rich and Infamous 4/4
Technobabble 3/5
Poli-sci-fi 4/5
Lightning Round 5/6
So Scandalous 3/5
World at Large 4/6
Body Politik 4/6
Say What 4/5
Indulge Me 6/6

Looks like I'm great at procrastination and celebrity shenanigans. Crap at planetary things though. Perhaps the key is to know a little about some things because knowing too much makes you overthink. Overall not the usual horrifying Sunday night.

Imploding

I can't remember the last time I fell asleep without crying. I stay up til 2 or 3 am just waiting for complete exhaustion to set in and then collapse into bed. But it doesn't always work. Last night, there were only a few tears. All the nights have blurred into each other. I'm no longer painfully conscious of just how long it has been. It's just one long miserable fog.

I can't function. I can't get any work done. I can't get my head into it. I can't plan or prioritize. I'm a walking mess.

I don't even want to eat anymore. If I could get away with not eating, I would stop completely. But usually I just wait until my stomach is eating itself and then cram myself full of junk. This afternoon it was three glasses of lactose-free chocolate milk and jalapeno cheddar Doritos. Followed by marshmallows and cheddar cheese Bugles. A can of ginger ale. There was some dinner in there. Wonton soup and noodles. Then a couple of chocolate-dipped cookies and half a glass of Noel Nog. I dumped the other half all over the floor.

I'm up to date on House now. That filled the hole for a couple of weeks so I'm not sure what I'll do now. Just watch regular TV, I guess. I have lots of old movies I could watch. But I have no interest in life anymore. I just get up and do the minimum. Less than the minimum, if I'm being honest. I went to class today without having done the readings. Hell, I hadn't even printed them all out.

I'm going to bed now. I accept that I'll end up crying and puffy eyed and exhausted in the morning. At least I haven't had a cigarette in 8 days.

Unspoken Valentine

Hey

Happy Valentine’s Day! There’s no agenda. I don’t expect that you’ll respond or even acknowledge. That’s completely fine. In fact, you don’t even have to keep reading. I just wanted you to know that I miss you.

It’s been a couple of months since the soup incident which ended our “relationship”. But I’m still not over you. There were so many great things that I can’t help remembering and missing. It turns out that you were the best spoon ever. I miss the way you used to roll me over and hold me close. I also miss your cooking. Watching you cut vegetables and sauté. The smell of bacon cooking in the morning. You asking me what I wanted to drink just so you’d have an empty can for the bacon fat. To be honest, I’ve stopped enjoying food now. Actually, everything seems much less interesting. You were like the lights on the Christmas tree: the ornaments are nice but without the lights, there’s no sparkle. Maybe that’s a stupid analogy but there are so many things that remind me of you. Bikes, dim sum, Riedel glasses, wooden hangars, black and white photos, telescopes, sheets, cigarettes, Coke products, gas stations… I think I miss your hands the most.

For the last few years, I have been trying to learn how to be happy on my own. It’s tough sometimes but I think that’s the bigger plan for my life. I think I’m supposed to be alone. I don’t know if I believe in God but I think the universe is trying to tell me something. This feeling that I’m meant to be alone is growing.

Before I met you, I didn’t believe in love. I didn’t believe in “The One”. I thought that I would probably meet someone who shared most of my priorities and we’d decide to make things work. Love and passion and romance would be irrelevant. And I would be responsible for my own happiness. Then I met you. I never told you this but I was happy just being with you. Regardless of our conversations or lack thereof. Despite the fact we worked more than we played. Your company was enough for me. So when you say I wanted more, I really didn’t. The simple things we did together were more than enough. It was never about being your girlfriend or thinking about our futures. It was just about you and me and right now.

I never talked about any of this because I thought that was part of the “no commitments” agreement. One of my best friends told me that I made a mistake. He told me that I should have let you in. But I was scared to talk to you because I thought I would lose you. I lost you anyway so I’ll never know if that was the right decision but it is something that I regret. I’m good at keeping people at a distance so I really shouldn’t be surprised.

If you knew me, you wouldn’t be surprised either at how things turned out. It’s not surprising that I would spend my entire 20s not believing in love. And then I turn 30, give up on love and marriage and intimacy, and then meet you. My friends would say to me “trust you to fall in love with someone who can’t love you back”. And they would be right.

So, Grey, if you ever change your mind, if you ever decide you’re prepared to take a chance on someone, just know that I’m waiting. I mean, now that I know love exists, how could I settle for anything less?

Bridget Jones - the pathetic first half of the movie

Still miss him. Required to function. Have generally lost the desire to live. Hungry but can't bring myself to eat more than cheese on stale toast. With two week old lemon-flavoured rice krispy squares. Can't prevent self from daily (or twice daily) cigarette. Have lost interest in classes and thesis. Don't care (very much) that thesis supervisor thinks progress last term was unsatisfactory. Plan for week is to wait to hear if Research Assistant is available to help. If not, will find Rob to see if we can figure out method together. Spent lots of time watching TV. Both Bridget Jones movies. Hence the choppy writing style. Also side-splitting episodes of Raymond (Robert and Debra go swing dancing) and Two 1/2 Men (Kandi becomes an actress).

Drank a Pepsi this afternoon. Knew I would regret it but did it anyway. Out of spite for Coca-Cola products. Must really get past pettiness and grow up. Would really rather everything ended. Fantasize that oblivion is a big black abyss with no feelings or words or thoughts. Also often fantasize about taking hot bath with sharp knife. Can't imagine bleeding out. In fact, horrified by the mental picture. Wished that primal survival part of brain wasn't hard wired for evolution and self-preservation.

Must buy groceries. Must sleep. Work tomorrow. Must finish report. Must move on from Grey. Must stop loving him and missing him and pining away wondering what he's doing. Must stop obsessing about sending one liner emails. Must stop punishing self for eventually sending one liner emails. Must find confidence and self-esteem. Not sure where to look or what to look for. Likely need professional help. Don't have adequate coverage. Likely will no longer require professional help when adequate coverage becomes available again. Perhaps will have walked in front of a semi-trailer by then.

Is it over yet?

Today was simultaneously a good day and a bad day.

Dim sum was good. Normal. Comfortable. Same as before. I was happy just being with him. I had hoped for more and he apparently isn't capable of more but I'm still getting mixed messages. Overall the message is that he's not in love with me. I think the mixed part is that he wishes he could be. Or maybe it's that he is in love with me but is too scared to admit it. I have no idea. He did admit he should have brought me soup. That he should have been there for me.

Then I lied and told him that I donated his sheets to Goodwill. That got ugly. I feel horrible about myself for doing that. There was much crying. I think we resolved things though. I apologized for lying to him and gave him his sheets. He accepted my apology. And now we are even in soup and sheets.

I miss him intensely. I really do think that he's "The One". I am almost positive that I'm in love with him. I want him in my life but I'm not sure I can handle being his friend. And this is where my judgement is flawed. I know that my issue is that I push people away and that I shouldn't do that anymore. But perhaps a clean break would be best? I don't know now. I just don't know. So even if I wanted to make a good decision, I wouldn't know how.

I should just rename this blog to "An Obsession with Grey" or something. I don't want to be alive.

Impending

We're having dim sum on Friday morning. It feels like a date. Because he's picking me up. He has never picked me up. Not once. And because we're going to my favourite place. Pearl at Harbourfront. He prefers the ghetto places in Chinatown because he thinks the quality is better and because he thinks Pearl is overpriced. He knows he's buying. That was the condition. If he's buying, I would make time. When he called this afternoon, he seemed cold. Rude, almost. At first. So I made the obligatory small talk. "How was your Christmas?" "Happy New Year" "Are you back at work?" We even talked about the weather before he brought up dim sum. I'm not sure what his agenda is. He can't possibly be going to all this trouble because he wants his stuff back. Or because he wants to give mine back. Maybe he's dying and he wants to tell me in person. One can only hope.

I realize that the most likely explanation is probably the right one. He thinks I'll still have sex with him if we can stay friends. If this had happened a week ago, I would probably have slept with him. Now, I'm not so sure. I want him to be in love with me. I want to hear that he missed me. That he wants me back in his life. That he was wrong. That he regrets not bringing me soup.

I also realize that, if he doesn't say those things, I will probably be disappointed. But I don't really expect his feelings to have changed. So maybe I can preempt the disappointment by not expecting anything at all beyond "give me my sheets". I just can't believe he would go to the trouble of picking me up, choosing my restaurant, spending an hour with me just for his stuff. I want to believe there's something more.

I just hope it's not serious. Health-related or otherwise. Now I'm scared. Maybe I've just been watching too much House. I guess I just have to wait and see.