Missed

A couple of nights ago, I told C le V that I didn't know if it was a good idea if we should talk every day. He agreed that we shouldn't settle into something de facto just because. And I told him he wasn't supposed to agree with me. He made me laugh when he asked me to hang on while he turned the lights on because he couldn't read the lines I had written him.

When I woke up the following morning, I told him that it was a moment of temporary insanity because I couldn't figure out my rationale. That talking to him is like a hit of crack and I need it daily. But I remembered again tonight. I raced home from an evening out to maybe catch him before he went to bed. No joy. His phone was off by the time I tried calling. And now I feel empty and unmotivated, despite having a mountain of work to get through this evening.

I really wanted to talk to him before dim sum with Grey tomorrow morning. I can't explain why. I haven't even told him that I'm having dim sum (or issues ending things) with Grey.

I'm almost hoping that Grey chickens out of the talk. Oh well, nothing I can do about it until it happens. I smell like Korean bbq. I'm going to do some work now, in case I'm a mess tomorrow. Which is likely. Very.

Friday night

I'm going out with the girls tonight. I'm hoping it will be fun. I'm celebrating my return to full-time employment. I should probably be at home working on the thesis so I can defend before April 17 but my supervisor didn't look at my data before our meeting yesterday. The meeting I took the entire day off work to schedule in! Argh.

Anyway, going out with the girls tonight. I saw them last night too. We sat at A's house and ate chili. I invited The Bartender because I was supposed to meet him for a drink at 8.30 but I couldn't handle it. I doubt I will be hearing from him again. Four chicks and a bartender... that should be the start of a joke.

Haven't heard from Grey since he our last conversation. Part of me never wants to see him again. Part of me wants him to cover his living room in rose petals and propose to me the way that X never did. I know, it's ridiculous. It will probably end with me walking out of there for the last time ever. I'm not looking forward to it.

C le V has been ridiculously sweet. There has got to be something wrong with him. He said he missed me an unwarranted amount considering only 4 days has gone by since we last saw each other. And that the stupid Highway 401 is waaaaayyyyy too long. I wish he was just here. All the time. Then, of course, my messed up brain would invent other problems. Sigh. What is wrong with me?? Wait, don't answer that.

Okay, I must figure out what to wear and make an effort to look hot before I call him at 7 for our pre-girls night Skype date. Ugh, I wish I could just stay home and talk to him on the phone all night.

Meanwhile... Alexandreena, where the heck are you?? I can see blog entries. Let me in! Pretty please? By the hairs on my chinny, chin chin?

Trying to be rational

I just remembered something. Just over a year ago, I asked Grey if he was going to change his facebook relationship status. He freaked out.

I was somewhat distracted today so I made a list at work. I wrote it as an email to Grey. Because I'm nuts like that. I have decided to share it here. Because it's my blog and someone has to read it.

So, I was thinking about the "meeting" you have scheduled for us on Sunday morning and I thought it might be more productive if I put some thoughts down on paper so we can think about them ahead of time. Yes, I'm anal retentive and it reads like an agenda with discussion items. I will print it out and bring you your own copy. Because I'm eccentric like that.

Discussion item 1: What does a normal relationship mean to you?
(i) Making plans for evenings/weekends with each other
(ii) Going out together in public on dates
(iii) Doing things with our friends (even if we don't like each other's friends)
(iv) Meeting the family (only when necessary on holidays and when they come to town)
(v) Talking and listening; discovering what we have in common
(vi) Laughing; trying to make the other person feel good
(vii) Wanting to be around for a while (not trying to kill yourself)
(viii) Taking care of each other's health
(ix) Not dating/sleeping with other people
(x) Working through problems together
(xi) Doing things you don't like because the other person enjoys them and pretending you are having fun
(xii) Being affectionate
(xiii) Traveling together
(xiv) Not yelling unless the other person is about to get hit by a car
(xv) Putting aside history/baggage to take a risk on something you want.

Discussion item 2: What I want from a relationship
A dog, a house, a garden, a life lived together not separately as strangers; someone who wants to be with me, to talk to me, to make me laugh

Discussion item 3: Things about Grey that I worry won't change.
a. Fear - of the unknown; loss of control; me reflecting badly on him
b. Pushing me away by saying hurtful things
c. Smoking - both kinds
d. Working on weekends
3. Partying - am I supposed to wait at home and provide pick up service when Grey is out with other girls?

Discussion item 4: What happens to me when Grey (Mr. I'm Not In Love With You) when he finds "The One" and falls in love with her?

Discussion item 5: What happens to me (and our dogs) when Grey gets lung cancer or liver cancer or heart failure or whatever and dies in 15 years?

Also, I thought it was worth resurrecting this flow chart to see if your approach to it has changed in the last 12 months. See attached.

I will have to give notice on Sunday afternoon as it is Feb 1. That means I have to phone my landlady in the afternoon sometime. Please don't let me forget.

What? - Three

Just had a 45 minute conversation with Grey where he came soooo close to actually admitting that he might have some feelings for me. I cried and yelled and finally said all the things on my mind. We're having dim sum on Sunday. He said we would talk and figure things out. I am so mad at him right now.

Didn't hear from Grey all weekend. Then he texted me this morning to ask when was a good time to talk. When I finally called him in the afternoon, he was aloof and quiet. I guess it wasn't a good time. I give up.

C le V was great this weekend though. Thoughtful, considerate, sensitive, funny, careful and quite generous in bed. We resolved nothing but at least we have established there is something. I won't see him again until March because he's going to Colombia in February. I do miss him already. His presence was comforting. On Saturday late afternoon, we just lay in bed talking and napping. At one point, he turned his head to look at me and I asked him why he was looking at me like that. "I was just checking to make sure you were okay." Good answer! Today after dim sum he decided to spend the afternoon with his buddy but we didn't get a hug goodbye. He rectified that by coming to my place before going to the train station. When I drove him to the train station, we stood in the elevator and I put my arms around him and my head on his chest. It was nice to just stand there and be held.

It was nice to be with a man who can admit that he has feelings for me and is happy to just be with me. Who isn't afraid to go out in public with me. Who doesn't get scared when I get upset. Who runs after me when I run away. His maturity and attitude towards me and life and the world are like a breath of fresh air.

Plus he has a dorky sense of humour. He told me that he doesn't go to church because he doesn't believe God exists and anyway He is a jerk. Which was meant to be, and is, ridiculous. Because if God doesn't exist, he can't be a jerk. And if he's a jerk, then He must exist. His response to that? "Well, either way there's no point going to church." We're both going straight to hell.

Also, he and his buddy picked up his buddy's guitar and his buddy's girlfriend's sewing machine. They were walking down the sidewalk and C le V said, "singer and songwriter". Snort!

What? -- Part Deux

I have a fascinating series of text messages between me and Grey to share. Yesterday, after I told him that my friend's father had passed away, we talked briefly and he uninvited me to his buddy's house tonight. He asked me who was coming to visit and I told him C le V. So then he said that I couldn't come anymore because he had invited some other girl. He called C le V my loverboy and I asked him if he was jealous. He said no, of course not. I was offended and called him a jerk for uninviting me.

From this morning:

Grey: Hey!! [His admin assistant]'s here making me text you to say sorry for my behaviour on the phone last night!!! Did you still want to come?

EB: [His admin assistant] is a gem. Maybe I should have coffee with her tonight instead! Are you going to uninvite the other girl if I say yes?? Sometimes when I talk to you I want to kill myself.

Grey: There was never any other girl.... I was just being an ass as usual!!!

EB: That doesn't sound like something you would admit to. Did [his admin assistant] write that? Why were you being an ass? It's not like I provoked it - you called me. I thought you were trying to be nice bc my friend's father passed away.

Grey: Ya I know..... I guess it's because I am confused about my feelings towards you.... ok that's it no more girly talk!

Um......................... WHAT.THE.F*&K????

What?

My life is ridiculous at the moment.

Grey is actually considering my moving in with him in April. I think the idea is insane and only tossed it out there to see what would happen. The thought makes my head spin. Every time we actually have a conversation, I want to bang my head against the wall with frustration. We haven't discussed this whole moving in thing beyond him letting me know that he's open to the idea. What.the.fuck??

He has been acting very strange. When he picked me up from the airport on Monday night, he was so happy and excited it was weird. He took me back to his place and made me dinner while I showered. We smoked a tiny little j (actually the remnants of something he had smoked earlier) and watched House. He made me sit on his lap while he ate his dinner and then held my hand while we watched tv. And then we had really mind blowing sex which started out with kisses so soft and slow I thought I had died and been reincarnated as a flower in the breeze. And then we went to bed and cuddled so tightly I couldn't tell where my skin ended and his skin started. It was nice. Comforting. His mattress is too soft. So I suggested that, when I move in, we move his mattress to the guest room and put mine on his bed. He laughed. He laughed! He didn't freak out and throw me out of bed. What.the.fuck??

He dropped me and my suitcases off the following morning and we went to work. When he got home that evening, he called to say hi. What.the.fuck?? On Wednesday morning, I texted him to ask if he was going to call in the evening to say hi. He did. What.the.fuck?? He texted me this morning to ask what I was doing Saturday night because his friend invited us over. I was mildly disturbed by his use of the word "us". What.the.fuck?? When I finally told him that C le V is coming to visit this weekend (see next paragraph), he sounded jealous but denied it. What.the.fuck??

Very confusing. But I refuse to dwell on his odd behaviour any longer.

So yeah, C le V is coming to visit this weekend. He arrives tomorrow night. We have no real plans. Except that I have to go to a funeral on Saturday morning. My friend's father passed away quite unexpectedly. I'm shocked and a little angry. Cancer is stupid.

I'm not sure why he's coming. He hasn't explicitly said that he wants to be more than friends or regrets his December decision. He has danced around it but I require verbal clarification. There are three major things he will have to fix:
1. He will have to move here.
2. He will have to explain why he decided he wanted to be just friends, explain what has changed since then and convince me that we shouldn't be just friends anymore. And apologize for making that decision in December. And beg forgiveness.
3. Somehow get me over the repulsion I felt at his being the creepy club drunk guy and hitting on everything with boobs. Even the ugly boobs. Especially the ugly boobs.

So, while I'm making no assumptions, this weekend should prove to be somewhat interesting. Outcome: pending.

I had hoped to be back at work full-time very soon. But with the stupid economy behaving like a 5 year old, that may not pan out. So tonight I am going to work on a couple of cover letters before I work on the job I have.

My washing machine is broken again and I have veritable mountains of dirty vacation laundry. Where is my asshat when I need him?

I finally got my lab data. I have to meet my supervisor next week. Before I do that, I have to figure out what the hell I'm doing with my spreadsheet. I hate school.

I haven't spoken to Baby since I got home. Or any of my girlfriends really except for A. Her romance has not worked out as anticipated so we have logged many phone hours. What I really want is to lie on the couch and watch tv but I have too much work to do. At least I seem to finally be getting over the jetlag. I was too out of it to write anything the last few days. I probably shouldn't even have been driving.

Parental insanity

I said I wasn't going to blog until I got home to Canadia but the parental insanity is driving me up the wall. I know I'm going to miss my parents
when I leave but my dad is driving me up the freakin' wall. He's 69
and seriously getting senile. He follows me from room to room and
won't leave me alone for 2 minutes! I can't even have a conversation
with A when he's home so I call her when he goes out for his
walks or goes to "work". He's retired but still practices a bit.
Every couple of hours I shout at him to stop following me around which, of course, makes me feel guilty but I'm going insane here. And then he conveniently comes up with
some computer problem for me to fix. The last one was that he somehow
turned on the hidden punctuation in Word and couldn't turn it off.
Sheesh. And he asks me every single day if I'm going to shower in the
evening even though I've showered in the morning. As if that's not
enough insanity, I went shopping with my mother yesterday and she's
serious about getting a Wii. My mom! With a Wii?! I'm going mental
here people! Okay, I'm going to bed because I spent most of the day
throwing up. To be fair to both of them, they looked after me this morning when I was puking and pooping which was a really nice change from begging Grey (or some other random guy) to bring me drugs after work. My dad went to the grocery store to get plain white bread so I could eat toast. My mom put a cold towel against my forehead when I was throwing up. My dad gave me drugs. My mom helped me make soup (she had just done her nails so she couldn't actually do it for me). And they let me sleep and monopolize the TV all afternoon and evening. So yes, it was nice to have them around for that and I know it will be harder the next time I'm alone and sick. But still... they're my parents and they're making me batty. I can't wait to get home!

I back! Sort of...

So it appears that my dial up internet access in Delhi did not like blogger. Most days I couldn't even get into my email which was a real pain. Although, it may not have mattered really as I had very little time for writing. I barely touched my journal which was with me every moment of every day! It's strange. Last time I traveled like this three years ago, it was all I could do to not fill up my journal before the end of my trip. I guess there was just too much going on this time around. There's lots to write about but I'm going to stick with my journal until I get home. There is only one user login on this laptop and the last thing I need is my parents finding my blog! The mortification... See you all soonly though. I'm home next Monday night. Erm, unless Grey takes me to his place from the airport. But I might insist on going home to my own shower and sheets and water pillow and ergonomic keyboard. It has been a good trip overall but I have been homesick like never before. I can't wait!