if i had one wish

i'm definitely going for a smoke. there are lots of websites out there that will tell you how to kill yourself but i just don't have what it takes. although it occurred to me that now would be the best time to do it because i don't have life insurance and i wouldn't have to worry about faking it for my parents to get the money. there is no money.

i just told a friend that i've thought about crawling out the window before. he was shocked so i lied and said i hadn't. but i have. so many times. stood there and looked down and wished.

there's a part of your brain that's wired for survival. it's like the part that wishes i was dead isn't connected to the deeper, more primal part where instincts are stored. the part that thought "no fucking way".

so i smoke. i'm sick. and i'll feel like shit tomorrow. but i feel like shit now and, if i had one wish, i would wish to not feel, to not think, to not hate myself, to not suffer.