Bed!

My bed is all set up and looks great! I'm so excited to go to bed tonight. I'm in my pjs and it's not even midnight yet. I'm hoping this bed will usher in a new era of better sleep. Fingers crossed.

I let 516 assemble it for me. I helped out but I wasn't the total controlling nazi that I would have been if someone else had been helping me. And he was really good about it. He was careful and thoughtful, read the instructions and corrected himself when he got something wrong. He was funny and I had a really good time with him. I promised I would feed him and we went for Indian. We talked a lot and I found myself thinking that I really like him. I hope we can be friends. He's clearly not interested though so maybe it's better if we're not friends. I have enough friends.

Anyway, it's going to be very busy for the next 24 hours. I'm not sure how I'm going to get everything done before I leave for NYC on Thursday morning. I'm feeling a bit anxious because I haven't started packing, I have no map or guide book and I haven't phoned my friend. But at least I have a brand new bed!

Night y'all.

Random weekend update and other stuff

I'm rather busy at the moment. What with picking up a new bed tonight and leaving for NYC on Thursday morning, I don't have a lot of time to blog.

Last weekend, I shopped. A LOT. It's going to be an expensive month. Hopefully I don't break my credit card in New York.

First and foremost, I finally bought a bed. From West Elm. The overlapping squares headboard and the tall platform. I have been looking for a bed for two and a half years. I'm pretty excited about picking it up tonight. I am borrowing the man muscles of my friend's husband. 516 is coming to help out too. Not sure what to make of that. I texted him asking for help and he said yes. Who knew it could be that easy?

I also went to the Green Living show and shopped there too. I bought Aveda shampoo, Sweets from the Earth vegan cookies, bamboo yoga pants and a couple of tops.

Okay, I gots to run. My tummy hurts too. Blarg.

Predictably so

This one is for Awkward. Actually, I was already writing it in my head when I saw your comment.

The new guy never called. What is UP with that? I really believed him. He was so convincing. And I am so naive. Stupid gullible me.

TGI Friday. If only because I know I have to spend the entire day talking to stupid people. And I won't have to do that on the weekend. I have some really great friends. It's a good thing I don't *need* a man. How to fix the wanting part though?

http://xkcd.com/572/

Earth Day Schmearth Day

Okay, I confess, I'm a tree-hugger. I recycle my batteries, drink tap water, buy organic and go to work every day to save the Earth. Sounds so dramatic, but it's really not. At the moment, I'm building more public transit. Most days it's trivial and mundane. Sometimes it's stressful. Often it's nothing like you imagine. But, when I allow myself to admit it, I do enjoy it. What are you doing for our planet today?

Vaccuum

He's not going to call. I can feel it. I don't know why I'm so sure. The Universe sent me a vibe last night. I know that sounds utterly ridiculous. But it hasn't let up. I'm calling it a black hole. When there's nothing too look forward to. No prospects on the horizon. That, also, is utterly ridiculous. I'm going to NYC next weekend for the first time ever and I'm really looking forward to it. Intellectually and emotionally I know that I am going to have a good time while I'm there. But it seems so far away. I just feel as though the Universe is sucking the energy out of my soul. I don't know what to do with this feeling. I'm going to bed. In theory, I should feel energized when I get up but I never do. Even my bed isn't friendly anymore. Something needs to change.

Oops I did it again

I'm totally freaking out. I saw the new guy this evening (okay it was this morning, like a few minutes ago) and, when he dropped me off at my place, he leaned over as I was getting out of the car. At the time, I thought he was leaning over for a kiss, so I had to make a split second decision.

This was my rationale. I suspect I'm being neurotic and crazy.

1. This doesn't appear to be a hug lean.
2. If I kiss him on the cheek, will that instantly relegate us to friend status?
3. I can't kiss this guy on the lips! I don't even know his last name!
4. Fuck. What to do?

So I kissed him on the lips. It was very quick and very chaste. But what if he didn't want me to kiss him?! What if I just kissed a guy on the lips who didn't want me to kiss him on the lips?! Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. I guess I'll find out if I never hear from him again, right?

AUGH! DATING IS SO FREAKIN' HARD! AUGH!

PS New guy's blog name is 516. Last night (Friday night - which was also when I met him!), when I asked him how tall he was, he said 5'16". Funny guy.

Holy crap it's late

So much for an early night. We went to a small bar on Queen West. Waaay west. A friend was DJing and the man is truly inspired. I wish I could bring him home with me so that he could play the soundtrack to my life.

I met someone there too. Not the first, very large, white dude from Brampton that hit on me and kept calling me beautiful. The guy that rescued me from him. Friend of a friend of a friend of the friend that knows C le V and Grey. We talked and there was chemistry but I thought he was just being a flirt. But then he asked me for my number before he left and I must have asked him three times if he was serious. Who number closes anymore? He texted me right there. When I called him on it, he said he was texting this cute girl he met. It was sweet. I texted him back after he left and he said he would call me soon. Also, he wished me steak dreams because we had been talking about steak. It's affirmative. I liked him almost instantly but I'm scared that he'll turn out to be just like C le V. Apparently he is moving to Australia.

After we left that place, I ran into a brand new coworker outside the Drake. I mean, this guy started maybe 10 days ago. That's how new he is. The kicker was that he was high. HIGH. Not drunk. We agreed to pretend that we had not seen each other. See you Monday buddy! I'm still laughing.

Go play outside

I have a headache.

I went to a class at the gym that makes me want to puke. I'm not sure if it's because I overdid it or because I need to wear ear plugs. The Britney-esque instructor is a cheerleader from Alabama. I just wish she would lip sync too. She does little to motivate me but I didn't think of it until I looked at the clock and realized there was only 15 minutes left in the class. Then I really powered it up.

Also, BO Man apparently takes this class. Gross. I kept thinking it was me. I overheard some of the other girls saying they thought it was them too. That's how pervasive it was. Nasty. Maybe that's why the headache.

Speaking of the gym, check out this ScarJo article from my pants buddy, Awkward.

Listen, I'm not a fan of ScarJo but thank the stars for sensible celebs who write these things. If you don't have time for the whole thing, at the very least the third paragraph. 14 pounds = 2 heads!

I get that people want to be skinny. Hell, I want to be skinny! It's not nice to be called "chubby" by a virtual stranger (drunk stranger, but whatever, still hurts). But it's never going to happen. In order for me to be skinny, I would have to lose 10 pounds. Not going to happen. I need my cranium because my brain is just about the only thing going for me. Plus, I like having enough muscle strength to stand up and get out of bed in the morning. Snort.

Baby keeps trying to lose weight and, when she works out, she burns it like a high performance gasoline engine. We're talking 700 calories in 45 minutes on the elliptical. Her legs move so fast I can't even see them. She normally eats a lot because hot damn that girl's metabolism is high. She started depriving herself a few weeks ago and got sick. I think she was doing that because she's in Cali this week. Anyway, she started eating normally again and felt better. I told her to focus on the parts of her body she's unhappy with instead of trying to lose weight. That's why I go to pirates class. At least if I'm actively working on the rumblytummyblobmonster, I won't spend so much time feeling hideous when I look in the mirror. Right? Right.

Semi-productive

Today, I went to pirates class, came home and cleaned the kitchen and then made brownies. I also got almost caught up with my husband, Mr Chuck Bartowski aka Secret Agent Charles Carmichael. I say almost because I can't find last night's episode anywhere online and it didn't record because I couldn't get a signal on my rabbit ears.

I don't like where this season is going. I much preferred Season 1. It was much more funny and believable. *Cough* Anyway, off to bed. I have no idea what time it is but I don't care.

I can't function

Isn't that one of the signs of depression? For several years now, I have suspected that I might be prone to depression but I'm too scared to ask my doctor about it because of what she might say. There's a history of mental illness on my mother's side of the family but I don't know what exactly because nobody will talk about it. I mean, maybe we're all just OCD and anal-retentive. Because that, I can (and do) own. Also, I've gotten so good at faking happy when I'm out in public that I'm scared to drop the mask, even for one second.

But I can't function. The apartment is a disaster. I can barely hold my life together. My thesis has ground to a halt and I funnel all of my energy into staying on the ball at work. I go to work exhausted. Then I come home and I'm more exhausted. I barely have the energy to get to the classes I like at the gym. And it seems I'm on the verge of crying all the time. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks, out of nowhere and I'm totally unprepared. It's a good thing I hid at home for most of the weekend.

I'm so exhausted from faking it. Can't I just stay at home in bed for the next two weeks?

What is wrong with me?

I didn't do much yesterday. Went to brunch with the girls and got groceries. Then I lazed about on the couch all afternoon. I think maybe because I didn't get home til 4.30 am after going out with the girls. Well, they weren't my girls. And there were boys there. One of them drives a 500 series BMW but he was drunk and I wasn't (I'm a lightweight - get drunk fast, sober up fast) so I got to drive it. It was freakin' awesome. At this moment, I am prepared to trade sex forever for a lifetime of driving a car like that. Sigh...

Today, I slept until 2 pm. 2 pm!!! I haven't done that for years. Maybe decades even. I don't know. The most productive thing I did all day was wax both of my legs. Usually I only wax one at a time because I get frustrated and bored. Today I got so tired from the waxing that both my legs were shaking. It was weird. Maybe my body is fighting something off because I'm tired and it's not even 11 pm. Maybe I'm just depressed. I miss C le V a lot right now but I'm not sure why. Maybe because he's the only person I have connected with on so many levels in many years and the prospect of meeting another man I can really talk to seems so slim.

I answered a craiglist personal this afternoon. I know. Shocking. I've never done that before. At least, not with the intention of meeting someone. We had dinner and it was nice. Not very awkward. And he was cute. Athletic. Opinionated and educated. We split dinner which normally is fine but he had two glasses of wine and a coffee and his meal was more expensive. Sigh. Where are all the decent guys?

Too many maybes and too many sighs. What a cruddy blog entry. What's wrong with me?

Escape from the pubicles

Tonight I discovered six more reasons to stay in Ontario after I am done school. I have some really great coworkers. They happen to all be women around my age. We went out for dinner and it was fun. I hope they feel the same way too. In general, not about me. That would be lame and sappy.

Some notable things happened to me this morning but I am too wiped to remember. I went for Chinese for dinner and something did not agree with me. My stomach is killing me.

Oh yeah, I finished the crossword and the sudoku on the subway ride to work this morning. And then I helped ditzy blonde girl in the office with it.

Okay, I'm going to bed early tonight. For real.

Liars vs. jerks.

Today I learned that I should never trust a man who doesn't freely admit to being a jerk. (Thanks for the tip, GH). I think that makes an excellent corollary to last night's lesson: zero tolerance for assholes.

Asshat, is there a difference between an asshole and a jerk? If yes, how do I spot them?

Okay, that's really all I got for tonight. I ran into one of the other grad students at the gym and we spent two hours not working out very hard. Until we got to the pirates component of Body Flow. I don't care if I hurt my back tonight. I'm going to the ball class tomorrow. That instructor was cute. I will probably fall flat on my ass again when I try to do side plank on the ball on my left side. But that's adorable right? Right.

Zero tolerance for assholes

That's the personal message on one of my friend's MSN today. I may have to adopt it for my new slogan. Hopefully it will remind me to not get too emotionally attached to guys before they have proven themselves to not be assholes. I'm not sure that's even possible though. Baby agreed with me today that all men are jerks. I was telling her that's basically the lesson I learned from the HJNTIY movie. That all men are jerks and even the ones that you want to believe are not jerks are also jerks. I think I wrote that in an earlier post.

Anyway, I booked my flight to NYC so I won't be an NYC virgin for much longer! I also folded the mountain of laundry in my hamper and washed the mats in my bathroom (more like giant fluffy floor towels). I'm going to try and get to the gym after work tomorrow. Normally I take Mondays off because they're painful but I skipped pirates and yoga this weekend because of Aunt Flow taking up so much of my energy. So I'm going to hit up a Body Jam class.

Not so bright

I am in some serious pain tonight. It's my own fault. I was bad this week and now I'm paying the price. The guys might want to stop reading now.

Cramps. Suck. In my next life, I'm definitely going to be a man. Last month, it was not so bad. That's because I was good. Usually, the week before my period, I cut out caffeine and chocolate and work out more. Generally it works. I can manage the pain with prescription meds and I'm on the pill so it always happens on a weekend. That way I never miss work. Sunday nights are usually pretty bad. But last month, I was good. A lot less pain was my reward. However, this month, I had a short memory and thought "ahhh, well last month was good so I can afford to be a little bit bad". No. BAD IDEA.

I was basically doing lamaze for the last hour of the movie (Duplicity - definitely a rental) and for the drive home. I think I hit every single red light between Baby's house and mine. I was yelling at the traffic lights, "change, damn you!" My yelling quietly, in my head, because I was nauseated and felt like passing out.

So I'm going to bed now. I have decided that my bed is my favourite place in the whole world.

Friday night homebody

I can't do anything. Actually, I don't think I can feel anything either. I'm raining so I know I'm happy about that but everything seems numb.

I thought briefly about being sociable this evening but I ended up working late instead. I was playing with five different colours of post-it flags. Five! Normally I have red, orange, yellow and green. But today I had blue! Oooh! It was hard to tear myself away but by 7.30, the office was starting to feel creepy and I could hear my tummy over the distant sound of the cleaning staff and the voices in my head.

I came home and had pizza and brownies and sat my ass on the couch. I almost fell asleep with Pooh bear but I couldn't get my brain to shut down. It was whimpering but wouldn't die. Then, around midnight, I was so disgusted by the state of my apartment that I started cleaning. I did the kitchen and the bathroom but the laundry mountain will have to wait because I'm exhausted. Oh, I also waxed for pirates class tomorrow. But I ran out of wax so I'll have to buy some more tomorrow before banana pancakes at Fresh.

Shopping list:
1. Wax
2. Toilet bowl scrubby thingys
3. Conditioning mousse

Also, I found this website. I can't decide if it's funny or awful. Be careful, it's addictive.
www.fmylife.com

Bump in the road

As much as I want to, I can't pretend to be happy right now. I heard from C le V today. The details are irrelevant. Basically I extended an olive branch in the form of an April Fool's joke and he made it very clear that he is angry with me. I don't know what I did but I'm done trying. No more dating, no more hoping, not more trusting. I thought I was doing better but today everything that I thought I achieved in the last two weeks has come undone.