He apologized

I just don't know how much longer I can do this with him. I haven't felt this way about anyone for a long time but he is just so confusing. And, late at night, when I'm tired and it's harder to pretend that I don't care, I try to figure out what he meant by what he said. Or didn't say.

I haven't seen him since last Saturday when I walked out. We have talked but haven't had a real conversation. I am on the brink of giving up. I picture my life post-Grey and wonder if it will feel empty or if I will feel better having made a good decision.

I miss him during the week. I crave his touch. I miss his salt and pepper hair and his hugs and his silences. I haven't shown him this flow chart yet but I intend to. I am at the point that I need to know. I want his answer to be the one in the bottom left corner. Or in the top right. But I'm scared it's somewhere in the middle.

We talked on the phone a few hours ago. He asked me what I was doing this weekend and then abruptly cut off the conversation. I don't know why. I wrote him a mental email but I think I'll just wait and see what happens. Maybe I won't ever see him again. Maybe that would be easier. My heart aches for him. How can I feel this already? Maybe in a month it will have faded. Or just fizzled out.

Verbal/emotional abuse

What I wish I could say to his face...


Even before I met you, she told me that you were a really good guy. And she has often said that you treat people well and are a respectful guy. I thought that too when I met you. What you said today was hurtful and humiliating. I don't know what you are trying to do but I think it worked. Never in my life have I been so aware that I am fuckable but not even a little bit lovable. The first time I told you that I couldn't have sex with you (when you called me to come out when you were out having dinner with Steph), you said it wasn't about the sex. When did you change your mind? It would have been decent of you to tell me instead of playing games with me. And even if it was just about sex, you haven't been very respectful towards me. I have treated you with kindness and generosity. The same way I would treat any friend. I'm not sure why you think it's okay for you to talk to me the way that you do. Or blatantly ignore me when I'm speaking to you like you. I wonder what your friends think of me when you talk to me the way you do in front of them. It isn't right. And all that crap about you not being a good guy is just plain bullshit. I don't know what your issues are and I have no idea how to deal with them. You have alternately been good to me and a jerk to me for no good reason except that I continue to let you. Clearly, nothing I can say will make you stop so I really don't know what to do now. I like you but I don't think that you like or respect me. I guess maybe you enjoy the sex more knowing that you're screwing someone you don't like? I hate myself right now for not being able to stand up to you.

Do normal relationships exist?

I had my first big meltdown with Grey on Saturday. He was being a bit of a jerk, I was feeling fragile and all hell broke loose. I cried, I walked out, I came back. He was kind and gentle and quiet. I wish I hadn't cried. I was a mess. I bought him a Nerds Christmas ornament thingy from the grocery store to make it up to him. I hope he likes it. We've booked Thursday and Saturday nights for sex.

He's still a mystery. I don't know if he will ever let me in. I don't think we'll ever truly be in a relationship. I think that we'll continue to do this thing, whatever it is, company + sex, I guess, until he gets bored or I completely freak out and then it will be over and I will be a soggy, heartbroken mess. The truth is that I care about him a lot. I want to be his girlfriend. But every day, I remind myself to back off. I tell myself he is not the boyfriend and I am not his girlfriend. I remember that there is no commitment and that I am not equal in this thing.

I can't talk to him about stuff when I need to. I can't expect him to be there for me. I can't plan for a future beyond next weekend. I'm not allowed to be myself because I have to be careful and guarded and distant.

I have a list of questions I would love to ask, if we were in a relationship. I probably will never get the chance. Here is my list in the form of an email sitting in my gmail drafts:

There are so many things I would ask if I felt like I could. There are times when I could believe that he wants what I want. The comfort and security of knowing we have a future together. But then there are times when a distinctly cold wind blows and I'm reminded that I'm not the girlfriend. So I take a step back mentally and physically. But never emotionally. The emotional check consists of a looped statement in my brain: "You're not the girlfriend. He's not the boyfriend. This will end. And you won't see it coming. So don't think of preparing. Just be warned."

The list of ever-present, ever-growing questions:

1. What does "no commitment" mean, exactly?
2. Is it just sex and company or is there something else?
3. Why is he with me? Why did he keep calling in September? Did my facebook message change anything?
4. Sunday nights, family holidays, Christmas. And why I enjoy Sunday nights now.
5. X/Mr X/X's brother's girlfriend and why we're still close.
6. His relationship history.
7. Is he ever going to let me in?
8. Does he really want to get married and have kids or is that just the politically correct thing to say to women he's sleeping with?
9. If 8 is true, what does "marriage" mean?
10. And when asked if I can have kids, biologically, how significant is my answer and what happens if I can't?
11. Religious beliefs; practicing? "Born Catholic, raised atheist?" Does he see himself getting married in church? Will he raise his kids Catholic? Circumcision?
12. Political leanings. Thoughts on voting, citizenship, this country I call my home.
13. If I fall in love with him, and he finds out, will he run away?

It's hard to open up to someone and trust that person when he has told you that he probably won't ever open up and trust you. It's tough knowing that his history casts a shadow over the present and the future and realizing I'll never know where that shadow came from. It's hard to even have a serious conversation, or even fully be myself, knowing that any minute, he could walk away and he would be perfectly justified because he was clear all along that there was no commitment. Where is the off switch for my heart?

Right now, while I'm feeling tired and fragile, I wish I was in a normal relationship with someone who wanted this to go somewhere. I want it more than being with Grey. I know I won't feel that way when I see him. That makes me sad.

Another unsent letter to B

It's good to know that my instincts about you were right.

All those times I worried about you being with someone else. At the end when you couldn't look me in the eye when you were talking to me. When you kept saying you loved me and still wanted us to be together but your words lacked sincerity and warmth.

I remember thinking "who the hell is she?" but I don't remember if that was before or after our "break" started. Maybe I should have asked. I feel as though you lied and cheated. Why did you stay with me? Why did you have sex with me? Did you fly home and have sex with her? Were you already having sex with her when you came to visit and had sex with me?

Just when I was starting to think there wasn't anything actually wrong with me. I feel blindsided. I was just starting to think I would be happier not knowing the truth. Because I don't really need the extra baggage.

Now I may never be able to trust another man who talks about marriage and buying property and growing old together How can this happen to one person twice in one lifetime?

I'm such an idiot. Gullible. How did I believe all the things you said? It's a good thing I reminded myself this afternoon that I don't need anyone. That I'm self-sufficient and have no expectations of anyone.

Men are monkeyfuckers.

Pouting

I'm pouting. I'm tired and he's going to Vancouver this week and I'm going to miss him. It's not like it will be very different from a regular week. I didn't see him at all last week because we were both so busy. I don't even necessarily need him to call me although that would be nice. I'm wearing his sweater and it smells like him so I'm going to wear it to bed.

I've decided that ignorance is bliss as far as B is concerned. If he met someone or cheated or decided that he is in fact gay, I don't want to know. I'm happy for the entire thing to remain a mystery. Better that than the unanswered questions of "why wasn't I good enough?" if he has met someone else. Not that I care. I don't. I just don't need any additional baggage. I am thankful that he made it so easy for him to walk away and not feel guilty about caring so deeply about someone else so soon.

I've decided to call him Grey. Grey skies. Grey sweaters. Greyscale - in the black and white photo of us on my desk next to my lucky bamboo birthday gift. They make me happy and so does he with his receding salt and pepper hair. He got a hair cut today at the mall while I went off to Crappy Tire to buy ice cube trays and quarter rolls for him. I think I'm in love with him.

Yesterday was my 30th birthday

This should be an important and meaningful post but it won't be. I'm tired which is great for a Sunday night. So I'm going to take advantage and go to bed soon.

I turned 30 yesterday. I'm pretty excited to be 30-something. I've been saying for years "I'd rather be old and wise than young and stupid". I think I've been ready for my thirties for a few years now. I wonder if my early 30s will be remarkably different from my late 30s in terms of perspective and how I see the world. I hope so. I hope I can finally learn to be happy. Beyond that, I have goals but nothing specific in terms of personal development or emotional growth. It's probably best to approach this decade open-minded. The 20s were good - I did things I never imagined I was capable of doing - and I hope the 30s will be great.

Onto more immediate thoughts. I spent the weekend with the mysterious guy. I am going to start thinking of a name for this blog. On Friday night, I had sushi with my closest friends in Toronto which was nice. A small manageable group after all of the planning. Saturday morning, I got a french manicure. I feel like such a girl. Then pizza lunch with X which was nice, if brief. Many phone calls and emails and facebook birthday wishes which was overwhelming and wonderful. Finally, the mysterious guy cooked me dinner and we watched License to Wed which was surprisingly funny. Today we went to the Royal Winter Fair and watched Evan Almighty and lots of TV. It was a really great weekend.

He was nice to me and was clearly keeping the sarcasm in check which was refreshing. We didn't talk about anything and, to be honest, I don't particularly feel like having that conversation just yet. Bedtime.

Letter to B

It has been just over a month since we broke up and a month since I last spoke to you. Today, I was supposed to be packing to come and visit you. Instead, I'm wondering "what the hell happened to you?" It's not that I particularly care anymore. I know that I can't expect closure from you, that I have to create it myself. But I hate loose ends and not knowing.

Where did you go? I haven't received a single email or instant message, let alone a phone call from you. And no response to my birthday message. I wonder if I'll hear from you on Saturday. It's a pretty important year for me.

Do you care how I'm doing? Do you even think about me anymore? How did 14 years of friendship and history just disappear in the blink of an eye? It boggles my mind and I can't even begin to think of an explanation.

Well, that's not true. My theory is that you met someone who made it easy to stop thinking about me. Am I that forgettable? She must be really something. To forget all your promises of marriage, your talk of the future, of our lives together.

I understand and accept it is for the best. I have met someone who does make me happy. He makes me laugh and takes care of me and calls when he says he's going to call. He works as many hours as you do, more actually because he works hard and is dedicated and loves his job. And he parties as hard as you do. But he knows the importance of unwinding and spending time together doing nothing and saying nothing. Of preparing meals and sitting down to eat together. He understands the importance of conversation, even if sometimes he puts on his shell. I haven't figured out to crack it. Yet. I want to though.

I'm crazy about him. I actually feel things in my heart and soul that never responded to your words except with uncertainty and fear and guilt.

Still, this mystery will continue to rattle around at the back of my brain until someone divulges something to me about your situation.

Here, I thought I knew you all along. Turns out I haven't a clue.