Yeah, what D said...

Oh wow! I was *totally* here today. I was heading out to meet coworkers for a post division meeting drink and couldn't find the stinkin' pub. After having a shitty day at the office, I almost went home in tears. But I forced myself to buck the shit up and call someone to get directions. I downed a very large glass of red wine and faked it for an hour. Now I'm home and bed looks so good that I may stomp on my phones, throw the computer out the window and never emerge from my pillow cocoon. Fuck you, life, I hate you!

My mom is going to oVo

And I didn't even have to tell her about the whole orgasm thing!

MFV got back from his worldly travels today. My old boss phoned and asked me if I was going to accept his offer. I told him that I wasn't ready to make a decision yet. That it comes down to personal life vs. professional satisfaction. When I talked to MFV, he told me to move to Vancouver. Seriously, in all seriousness, it almost tipped me over the edge. I'm teetering.

Sunday. I will make my decision on Sunday. Or maybe a bit later. Depending on what the other guy at work says. I'm going to phone him tomorrow.

Weekend stuff

Life has returned to regular programming, post-Convocation. Friday night was blustery and cold and raining cats and dogs. I bought a used lens from a guy off craigslist and then went for sushi and coffee with an ex-coworker. Saturday morning, I attempted to go the gym but was foiled because pilates was cancelled and I didn't have my running shoes or mp3 player (I'm the last person on the planet without an iPod) so I went to dim sum with my parents and the septuagenarians kids and newly adopted grandbaby. Then I baked some hazelnut butter crisp cookies and saw Charlie (his mom's birthday) and proceeded to get fat on condensed milk toast with the girls. And today was brunch at Tequila Bookworm, met a briard in the park, bizarre bazaar and Cirque du Soleil.

If you can see the show in Toronto, you should go. It's called oVo. It's my new favourite. It was as good as an orgasm. So remember, o for orgasm and oVo. In fact, it was better than an orgasm because I went with a girlfriend whose company I actually enjoy and we both went home with orgasms :) So.good. oVo, people. You should go.

Convococation!

I'm convoking tomorrow! I'm actually going to get my degree! After three years! I mean, that is, if they actually give it to me. Part of me wonders if I will march up there on stage and hold my hand out for it only to be told, "psyche!" Ha. It's going to feel pretty surreal, I can tell. If I had known how hard it would be to go to school and go to work and go to the grocery store and take out the garbage and live my life pretending to be an adult, all the while being all alone the entire time, I would never have had the energy or willpower to do it. Amazing what a girl can do when she has no idea what she's getting into :)

I have a new outfit - strangely enough though, no new shoes. Which is not to say that I didn't buy new shoes today - I totally did - but they're white flats so totally not fall shoes. I do have a new top, new pants and a new clutch. But that's okay. It's supposed to rain in the afternoon so, much as I would love to wear my thesis shoes, I'm not going to. Anyway, I'd better go to bed. It's going to be an early start. And yeah, yeah, I didn't want to go and my parents flew here for it which is the only reason I'm going but now I'm glad that I'm going because it feels like ducking Christmas! I'm so excited :)

Screw him

I emailed Grey to let him know that I was no longer comfortable with us going to Cirque on Sunday now that he's officially in a relationship with someone. I explained and tried to be gentle about it. His response from Vegas? "Whatever... overthink away. Have fun with ur Mom". So I told him he could go screw himself. It felt pretty good. I'll probably regret it in the morning. Or in a couple of minutes when he drunkenly replies. Or maybe I won't give a shit. Because that's how I feel right now. He's a fucking moron. Oh there's his response now...

Fucking guy always makes me fucking cry. I want so badly to hate him. Kill me now.

New guy update

So, I promised Victoria an update on the New guy. At the risk of ruining the ending (although, if you've been reading this blog for more than... oh about 90 seconds, you will be able to predict how it ends!), I have since lost interest. But it's still a mildly entertaining story and should probably be documented for posterity and my disastrous dating memoirs.

Here was the follow up fb conversation:

New guy at 19:24
on the verge of blocking you...

Ms Behaviour at 19:29
You're hilarious. Why do you want in so bad? You could just get to know me the old fashioned way like regular people instead of fb creeping me. I mean, if you know everything about me from fb, what are we going to talk about when we go for coffee/tea/lunch?

New guy at 19:35
I want in because you won't let me in, aside from that I don't give a shit.

Ms Behaviour at 19:42
Typical! Men are so predictable. No access for you yet :) My fb rule for coworkers is that I don't add you until I have socialized with you and I know you won't go gossiping about my personal life around the office. Is that fair?

Now go do something useful with your evening instead of messaging me.

New guy at 19:43
Yes, but I am not only planning on socializing with you, I am planning on fornicating with you too.....which reminds me, when are you going to invite me over?

Ms Behaviour at 20:41
Lmao and I'm planning on marrying you and having your babies!

You know, I always recommend Neil Strauss to all my single friends but it's refreshing to meet a man who actually practices the theory! So here's a question, do girls actually go for that sort of thing or do you end up getting bitch-slapped a lot?

New guy at 20:41
They not only go for it, they love it.

So, at this point, my interest has seriously started to wane. Listen guys, if you're picking up a girl and she knows how to play The Game, you should change it up. Because otherwise it's just another tired old pick up line.

Since this conversation almost 3 weeks ago, I have not been at the client office and he has made up for my absence by sending me progressively dirtier text messages. For example, "I can't wait to jizz all over your silky smooth skin" and "I miss staring at your ass and wondering if you like anal". Yeah. Smooth. I know.

Last week, he had a report for me so we met up for coffee. He finally admitted that he had given up on me and was no longer bothered about getting in my pants. I had to buy his coffee because he forgot his wallet at home and put up with his incessant blackberrying all night. Don't get me wrong, there is something superficially entertaining about this man but I have no interest in dating him. After MFV came and went, I have lost interest and patience in these games and the men who play them.

However, all of this did not stop New guy from trying to kiss me on the sidewalk. I fell for his, "give me a hug" and he pulled me in by my winter jacket and attempted to kiss close. I laughed at him and told him that I don't kiss my coworkers (okay, he has no reason to believe that I lie!) and turned my cheek. That was when he proceeded to chew on my cheek. It was kinda cute in a baby animal beseeching me for attention sort of way. So yeah, the fucker gave me a face hickey.

The final nail in the coffin was him posting, "no one likes you" on my fb wall. Yeah, that'll work.

Also, in other news, Grey has a girlfriend. We're supposed to see Cirque du Soleil this Sunday but I might have to uninvite him. I think that I'm over him because, frankly, I'm glad he's not *my* boyfriend. But I don't think I want to be friends with him, or spend $100 on a ticket which he probably won't appreciate. Maybe I'll take my mom instead.

I did meet a nice guy recently. He seemed nice the first time I met him and he seemed nice the second time I met him. He's a friend of a friend. Just this past weekend at a house party, he laughed at my jokes, rescued me from a creepy guy, helped me clean up and gave me a kiss on the cheek goodbye. I really like him as person and I think there might be some chemistry there. However, there is one MAJOR problem. In fact, I have always considered it a dealbreaker. He's a cop. RCMP actually, so maybe not as bad as uniform. But still, not good. That is the only profession I will not date because I cannot be married to a cop. Even firemen and paramedics, though less than ideal, are worthy of consideration. But I can't be married to someone who could die because of a firearm.

Apparently he told our mutual friend that I was an old soul. That's a nice compliment :)

My ribs are creaking

God, have I really not posted all week? It's been a long and crazy one. Not as crazy as some recent ones, but still long, despite being short. Our three day Thanksgiving weekend seems a distant memory now.

I attempted condensed milk toast with my girlfriends this evening. We started out with all-you-can-eat hot pot. My ribs are still creaking! Then we went to T&T (huge Chinese grocery store) and picked up milk toast and condensed milk. If you have never tried Taiwanese/HK-style condensed milk toast, go find yourself a reputable bubble tea place and indulge. It's like breakfast and dessert had a perfect baby. Anyway, it ended up being a long night but we had a good time and I haven't seen those two in ages. I wanted to talk to them about Vancouver but I couldn't find the right moment and didn't want to put a damper on the evening. I think I should probably talk to them separately. In person. Soon.

Anyway, I'm picking up keys to my septuagenarian friend's condo (parents are staying there for a couple of weeks), then hitting the gym and then Costco. Then hopefully lunch, camera research and a nap before birthday party in the evening. I'm already exhausted because of my stupid period so it's going to be a long day. My bed is calling out for me. Sleeeeep!

Flip-flop

No, this is not a post about shoes.

Now I know how MFV was feeling about his NYC vs. Vancouver decision.

I go back and forth every few hours about wanting to stay here vs. wanting to move back. I mean, sometimes it's 50-50 and other times I'm about to hit the giant red button which says, "Screw you Toronto!"

When I left BC, it was always my intention to move back. When I was in Tofino in August 2006, I mailed A a postcard and asked her to send it back to me when I graduated. She hasn't done that. In fact, she has probably forgotten. But I remember. Why, then, is it so hard for me to make this decision?

I know that I want to be on the West Coast. I hate the weather and the traffic and the pretentiousness. I miss the rain and sushi and the ocean. I hate that Toronto is sucking the soul out of my body. I miss being able to look people in the eye when I pass them on the street and not feeling like I need to be more threatening than them. I know I am a different person when I live here. Not a better person. I have been acutely unhappy here and very much conscious of it, whereas I feel like I was happier overall in Vancouver.

I want a raise and a promotion. I want off this stupid project. I want to not commute to Mississauga or work out of the client office. I want to be closer to my best friend.

But there's something keeping me here. Is it fear of something? I don't know. There is nothing here for me. Well, there is one thing. It's the illusion of friends. There are a handful of people who really mean a lot to me. But those people want what is best for me and won't resent me for moving forward with my life. It's the peripheral people that will be more difficult to deal with.

One thing that I have learned the hard way is that I always lose people when I move. When I switched elementary schools mid-year, when I left home for Canada, when I left boarding school, then undergrad, then Toronto. You lose people. It's just too difficult sometimes for them to keep up. Frankly, I have a large social circle here. Large enough that I feel guilty saying no to people so that I can have time to myself. The sum of all those meaningless, trivial friendships is greater here than it was in Vancouver. But I have always felt the quality of my friendships there were much higher. So what am I afraid of?

Maybe I just need time to allow the weight of this decision to settle in. So that I can defend my choice to all those who will question me and feel abandoned. Or rather, to let their criticism and judgment and disappointment just roll off. Like rain on a duck.

Quack.

Redacted

Some of you may have an entry in your reader which does not appear on my blog. I chose to delete it. I talked to MFV online today. He sent me an email which helped me understand that I was being completely neurotic and overthinking his response. So I think I will refrain from posting about him and our relationship for the next little while. There are plenty of other things I can gripe about.

Long weekends are lame

While work was a bitch this week, and I was looking forward to not being at the office for 3 days, now that the long weekend is here, I'm not happy about it. I hate long weekends. Everyone doing family stuff, eating yummy things and whatever other things families do together. Not that I want to be with mine at all. I mean, that would just make us all miserable. But I still feel lonely.

I get anxious having such a long expanse of time with so little to fill it in. I'm inventing things to do, none of which are bad and all of which I would normally want to do on a weekend. Like read the paper and watch tv and buy groceries and go to the gym. But the thought of forcing myself to stay busy while everyone else gets to relax fills me with dread. It's a good thing I brought work home.

And speaking of work, I'm inching ever closer to Vancouver. I heard today that there is stiff competition for job 1. And the person who is leaving job 2 hasn't even phoned to talk to me about whether I would be interested, even though that's what she told Douchebag she was going to do. Vancouver is not a bad opportunity. It's a big raise to go with a shiny new promotion. I love the city and it's feeling less and less like a backup plan every day. I am going to give myself until the end of the month to decide.

There are four things that worry me:

1. returning to a completely dysfunctional group, although the current state of dramarama is rapidly pushing me out the door;
2. losing my huge - if somewhat unsatisfying - social circle;
3. leaving my hairdresser;
4. not having a family doctor.

It is notoriously hard to get a family doctor. For almost 4 years, I went to the walk-in clinic. Ugh, bad.

I'm really going to bed early tonight. Hopefully nobody phones me after I fall asleep.

Anti-douchebag

MFV just left. We had a really great weekend. Not just because we had fun but because he is a really great guy. A good man. In fact, he is almost the man I need him to be. Amazing what three years can do to a 24 year old. Despite one long year of not speaking to each other (2007-2008), our friendship has stayed tight. I rely on him like nobody else and, this weekend, I realized what it means to have a man around who is capable of being a grown up. He took care of me which felt so good. He helped me make decisions. He was quiet when I disappeared into my thoughts. He was protective and thoughtful and responsible and considerate. I want that from a man, and the douchebags, while entertaining, pale in comparison to him.

For three years, I have missed him and loved him like my best friend. Because that's what he is. But today, I might have started to fall in love with him. Which scares me to death because I don't really know how he feels about me. He looks at me like he really sees me. He makes me laugh without really trying which is not easy with my nerdy sense of humour. I can be myself around him and it is nice not to have to keep my guard up all the time. He can even see beyond the face I present to the world to the sensitive, vulnerable person that I am hiding from everyone. It has been a long time since I could spend 48 hours with someone and not feel exhausted by their company. Which is not to say the weekend wasn't thoroughly exhausting.

Dinner on Friday at Ruth Chris to celebrate his raise and my degree was amazing. Then salsa dancing with Baby and Delorean at El Rancho. My former salsa partner has improved vastly and I frankly couldn't get enough of him. I could have danced all night...

When we got home, he kissed me and I freaked out and we talked. We talked about the past and our futures and decided that there's nothing wrong with friends fooling around. It was nice, actually. Okay, the sex wasn't mind blowing the way that it is with Grey but MFV has only been with three other women. Counting him, I am into double digits. I wonder if he will be my last.

Saturday was brunch and the Ontario Science Centre. We're a pair of giant nerds and had a really good time. Dinner at the Host with friends and then Nuit Blanche. I'll post photos later. We stayed up til 4 am walking all over downtown before my legs gave up outside the Art Gallery. We had dim sum this morning and then read the paper and had dinner on the way to the airport.

I cried when he left. I don't know if I'm just tired and overwhelmed or if this is just a passing emotional phase. I miss him. I hope we end up in geographically closer cities. I know that the ideal situation in the short-term would be here for me and NYC for him. But long-term, maybe it's better if we're both in Vancouver. Who the hell knows what he is thinking though? I suspect that I'm more than a long distance booty call but I have been wrong in the past.

He's back from Morocco at the end of October. In the meantime, I have some decisions to make about work.

Calling bullshit

I am so sick of the crap going around of the office that I am officially done with it. If I can't leave the company for public sector, I'm moving back to Vancouver. I have a phone call with my old boss tomorrow afternoon. Before that, I intend to follow up on two local job opportunities. I'm really, truly angry and I haven't felt this way about work in a long time. Close to 10 years, actually. I'm sick of being the one that gets pushed around because other people can't manage their schedules. Or because they're not 100% on this project and have other priorities. I don't feel any loyalty towards the people on this project anymore. And while it will suck for my current supervisor, I'm not exactly getting a lot of support from the seniors in my own group either. I am taking the first opportunity I can get to walk away. I am done crying over this bullshit. Work is not worth the tears.